How do I define my boundaries and not just be a SUPER nice and accommodating guy? How do I change myself?

K3wp · 2019-01-13T23:03:39+00:00

You sound like I used to be. Here's how I fixed it.

I'm an order of magnitude less generous with my attention now than I was twenty years ago. When I am generous, I don't expect anything in return.

Practice being selfish. It's that simple.

2019-01-13T22:36:49+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Bammer1386 · 2019-01-14T01:19:42+00:00

I remember a time before i ran into seddit, and i had just went through a breakup with my first girlfriend. I was at my most vulnerable. I went to a party, and after the party was winding down, one of the girls had offered me a ride to my car, because I told her i had to park down the street due to parking constraints. I had not gamed her all night. She told me that she was into me and she had been looking at me and observing me, not because i was leading conversation at the party, but because i was quiet and calm, but still a part of the nights interactions, speaking when necessary. Often times the loudest guy at a party is the most insecure, because they are attention seeking. Her read of me was wrong at that time, but it worked in my favor. Since then, ive realized that talking about and revelaing too much about yourself is a misnomer. Mystery is better. If someone is worth your time, they will ask about you. Spill your guts too much and its a turn off.

Also, when it comes to helping others out, weigh what works for you. Dont be afraid to say no. No is the most powerful word in the dictionary. Your time and effort is priceless, and if you say yes without any expectation in return, you are giving away something priceless for free. Only say yes if you can trust the person, or if there is monetary gain, like accepting overtime at work.

Chabubu · 2019-01-13T23:13:12+00:00

There are a LOT of books out there that provide information on how to reprogram your thoughts and behaviors.

I am currently reading the book "Breaking the habit of being yourself" by Joe Dispenza. If you're not a reader, it can be a little much. But I am getting a lot from it. (He also wrote Evolve your brain, and becoming supernatural. I have not read those but breaking the habit is the 2nd in the series and has more actionable info than the first one. )

This one resonates with me because I have made significant changes in my personality over the last several years. I have personally experienced a transition from being an extremely shy and introverted pessimist, to a confident, somewhat social, optimist.

This book explains that your personality is a function of your internal programming, which is comprised of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. All of which you have control over.

However, 95% of the time, your body operates on auto-pilot. No different than if you were driving your car to work. You don't have to think about it. Therefore, your subconscious mind runs your body, not your conscious thinking. You can't re-program that subconscious simply by wanting to change. You have to follow a process to un-wire the connections that have may have taken years or even decades of your life to form. This book lays out a process of becoming self-aware as well as a meditative process to change who you want to be.

syntheticproduct · 2019-01-14T05:42:24+00:00

My FIRST tip would be to STOP with the UPPERCASE on RANDOM words.

No reason for it; it's distracting, it's incorrect, and it comes across as a little insecure / cry for attention / afraid to be ignored.

recyclablebanthas · 2019-01-14T04:24:25+00:00

1

How do I define my boundaries and not just be a SUPER nice and accommodating guy? How do I change myself?

Look, you have to define your own boundaries, we can't do it for you.

But at the heart of this issue, is that you're too "nice," right? And at the heart of that, it's probably likely that you are afraid of disappointing someone or otherwise losing out on approval.

Here's the thing: caving in to people and trying to be nice and accommodating, doesn't actually win approval or even always come off nice, not if it's clear that you're desperate for approval.

Real friends and other sorts of people who matter, will respect and like you even if you're not bending over backwards for them.

2

One example is I will go out of my way to help a colleague at work, and when I ask her to help me out, she is always busy.

Look, you know the issue just as well as I do from reading this, but I'll summarize it for you in a form that you ought to be reminding yourself of more often.

Relationships based on respect will have some reciprocation. If you do for her, but all she does is take, then she's not a friend or a helpful co-worker, she's a liability. You need to start having some respect for your own time, or she sure as fuck won't.

It's not even about being a dick, though it will feel a bit like you're being one when you stand up for yourself early on. It's just a matter of you having your own fucking life to take care of. And just like they say on airplanes, PLEASE PUT ON YOUR OWN MASK BEFORE HELPING OTHERS. Meaning, that you can't effectively help others unless you help yourself. And if you try to do so, you'll do harm to yourself, as you're emotionally harming yourself right now by sacrificing of yourself in his unreciprocated sort of way.

It's not wrong to help others. But if they don't help at some point, then it's time to reconsider the spent time and energy. Giving to people who only take, doesn't make sense.

3

I can't seem to say no, yet get super frustrated when I am not returned that sort of help in return.

Look, there's no way around it. You're going to have to face discomfort and the feeling that you're a dick, just for standing up for yourself. People who are used to taking advantage of you, are going to throw it in your face and try to make you feel like you're being a dick or not a team player. (People who are also spineless will also try to make you feel like a dick, out of passive-aggressive jealousy towards someone who's standing up for themselves.)

And the important thing to keep in mind is that you have your own priorities and that's not an insult to them, anymore than it's an insult to you that they prioritize their stuff.

4

Another thing I have, is that I speak a lot. I try and control myself, but end up wanting to talk and as such, I just feel I am just too open when rather I'd NOT be. Especially when everyone ELSE knows SO much about me, but I barely know anything about them.

Why do you think you talk so much about yourself?

5

How do I make changes that stick and CHANGE and EVOLVE me!

The key here is that humans have needs and like it or not, what you're doing right now, feeds needs that you have. The key is not to simply judge yourself for having the needs everyone else has, it's to identify what needs aren't being met, that you're trying to meet in these unhelpful ways, and find newer, healthier ways to meet those needs.

One doesn't fix this by simply calling yourself a turd. ANYONE would end up being a turd under the right circumstances. "Normal people" actually start out a bit turdish at SOME point in life.

Spiritofchokedout · 2019-01-14T07:37:43+00:00

Be willing to piss people off. Practice with people you don't like. Don't be a dick or abusive, just be willing to say "no" and state your mind with the goal of disappointing them.

It's empowering.

syntheticproduct · 2019-01-14T05:45:52+00:00

My guess is that you're too desperate to be liked, and not comfortable saying "No".

Google "how to be more assertive", "how to me more confident", "how to learn to say no", "I'm afraid that people don't like me"

It's also possible that you're afraid of conflict.

My personal tip is that learning to say no is like a muscle. Youll get better at it by practicing. Try to say no to one thing every day. Even if it's small. If you get conned in saying yes, as soon as you catch yourself, get back to the person and backtrack it, unless it's too late. It will feel amazing!

wingrovepike · 2019-01-13T22:25:49+00:00

I am juuuust like this. With me, i’ll be nice and then when someone does something... -well, un-nice, i won’t say anything.

That happens so many times until i just straight up explode.

Its not a good way to be bro. Idk what to do either..

Veganpuncher · 2019-01-14T00:28:58+00:00

Consider 'Becky'. Becky is sweet, attractive, bakes cookies, laughs at everyone's jokes and is a cheerleader. The problem is that Becky is pretty limited in other areas - like having a car (she doesn't), having someone to hang with when her QB boyfriend is away (for some reason few of the other girls will hang with her) and, y'know, getting her stupid homework in on time.

It's a good thing that you're around to help out at those times - It's a win-win, she gets her problem fixed and everyone thinks you're a champion for hanging out with Becky.

Except it's not. Because Becky isn't really winning. She is missing out on opportunities to grow and to master new skills. You are the real bad guy here. You are the one dragging her down.

Now, you need to be strong, summon all that Evil and turn it to good. When she asks for a lift, say 'No'. When she asks 'why not' You have to take the toothpick from your mouth, take off your Panama hat, wipe your brow, and say 'I got people to see.' and go back to studying the form guide.

When her boyfriend's out of town, you're fixing your nephew's bike with a greasy rag hanging out of your left, back pocket and smoking a Chesterfield.

When she has homework due, surely her boyfriend could do that? Besides, you're going hunting with your pals. If she's lucky, you'll give her a spare Ruffled Grouse behind the old hay shed when you get back.

It's a hard lesson for poor Becky, but teaching others is part of being a man. Getting hard, turning her around and making her beg for more lessons is just one of the chores of growing up.

Let us know how it goes, Knuckles.

KindnessWins · 2019-01-13T22:30:29+00:00

My advice to you is teach guys small talk. Most guys are terrible at it but you do it naturally and women are drawn to intelligent conversation. Where do you get your subject matter? How do you link sentences?
Make posts and help the shyer guys(and girls) on here.

actualMattD · 2019-01-13T23:55:51+00:00

Great question!

I don't really see this being about boundaries. This seems more about interpersonal skills.

The key here is to take your attention off of yourself and put it on others. Be genuinely interested in other people and ask them questions about themselves. If you notice that you are focusing on yourself, just pause, look up at whoever is around you, and day something like... "So what else is going on?"

There's really no way to "stop" doing the things you don't want to be doing. But if you at least notice it when it's happening, that's half the battle.

Notice. Pause. Redirect. It's that simple.

Best of luck!

scotchpotato · 2019-01-14T06:25:22+00:00

Approval seeking behaviour I guess.

Looks like you are trying hard to seek approval of others. While it can be rewarding at times, most of the times it is a trip down the rabbit hole.

THEGEECKO · 2019-01-14T06:34:55+00:00

Realize what you are the things that you control and the things that you don't control and start working on the ones that you control and let go the ones that you don't and with it, you start realizing what is your boundary size really is

GucciGuac · 2019-01-14T07:12:09+00:00

I recommend books like “No More Mr Nice Guy” As to changing yourself you need to have boundaries and become unpredictable. The thing is that when you have boundaries people will either respect them or test you. The moment people know they can break your boundaries they won’t respect you. It doesn’t matter if they don’t like your boundaries, if you are indifferent and stick to your guns you will be seen as in very attractive because that shows your a guy who’s not easily bent. When you do nice stuff for people, it has to become genuine, as in your not expecting anything back. When you talk, you need to talk less. “Less is More” Men who talk less are masculine traits. This is where unpredictability comes to play. You see, a girl knows that she’s pretty even though she may be insecure, which we all are. She knows that all guys come across like you do. Their nice, extra generous, and friendly. When a man is unpredictable, he is not acting in a way that most men do when they come across a woman. He’s quiet, keeps to himself and does not validate none of the girls because they have to earn it. When a girl sees that in a man, she will become very curious as to why your not acting the way like most men do, this where you start to become very mysterious in her eyes and most importantly a challenge. And when your not an easily bent guy, that adds an extra edge to you. There’s more to it but I hope my advice helps you understand. Good Luck

xxsimplyjosh · 2019-01-14T07:41:07+00:00

sometimes you gotta be a little bit selfish to not compromise your defined values. i think people respect you more and desire you if you behave and showcase yourself in an authentic manner. that means whatever you are not keen on, you speak about it with confidence without being borderline aggressive or passive.

think: its okay to say no in certain situations. if a girl told me no i dont need your help when i offer a request i would say understood and acknowledge and respect her response rather than trying to challenge it for hopes she’ll say yes because that challenging and desperation to get that “yes” response is self destructive to your confidence & self esteem because you depend on others opinions to somewhat feel “complete”

being able to say no shows you have some form of boundary and aren’t a people pleaser by always saying yes to requests and saying no to things you feel that others would “not like” so you avoided the conflict (niceguy mentality)

theres a fine line between asserting your own rights and dislikes specifically whilst maintaining neutral tone, vs being an asshole about it (aggressive behaviour to put people down to get what you want)

be the former.

Musti3 · 2019-01-14T08:09:25+00:00

u/DepressedAK

user_7_ · 2019-01-14T09:42:20+00:00

Try book "No more mr Nice Guy"

yanthropology · 2019-01-14T09:45:01+00:00

Reflect and determine the value of your own time.

Use it as a scarce commodity and manage it's price to affect the demand and supply.

Funkimonkey · 2019-01-14T09:56:35+00:00

Break your comfort zone. Just do it. Do something you are uncomfortable doing. That’s how you break it. Do it again and again to make it a habit then it becomes a transformation.

If you don’t have the balls to do it, get your best guy friend to push you.

If that doesn’t work, then tell him to punch you until you do it.

Either you will go do it, or it will be like fight club where you will be so beat up you won’t care anymore

uptimex · 2019-01-14T19:31:30+00:00

Stop telling about yourself. Stop updating about events of your life. If someone asks you about anything particular, just give vague answers.
The problem is your identity. Your mind created an identity of a supernice guy. The trick is to see your identity from the side.
Stop telling stories about yourself to you. Be vague and unpredictable for yourself.

thebochman · 2019-01-14T05:36:37+00:00

Read No More Mr Nice Guy, i'm reading it now and I cannot recommend it enough, i resonate so much with the message

Title	How do I define my boundaries and not just be a SUPER nice and accommodating guy? How do I change myself?
Author	Bruce_wayne89
Upvotes	114
Comments	37
Date	January 13, 2019 9:57 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/afofvr/how_do_i_define_my_boundaries_and_not_just_be_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-i-define-my-boundaries-and-not-just-be-a.1460472 https://theredarchive.com/post/1460472

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