How does one get over shyness and uncertainty ?

eagleclaw457 · 2012-12-09T02:21:51+00:00

I still get approach anxiety, but to it simply, just not give a damn. You gotta think everything I do is totally socially acceptable, and that it is her privelege to talk to someone as interesting as you. I say these things in my head over and over when I am about to approach.

Cooolllll · 2012-12-09T05:49:01+00:00

What I always tell myself. "hey you sexy bad ass motherfucker, you know this moment? This exact goddamn moment as the earth orbits the sun rotating so fast I cannot even comprehend? Yeah, this place in time? It will never exist again. Not now not ever. These people and where I'm standing cannot be duplicated. It may be similar but never identical. Stop being so goddamn selfish and go talk to women. Also you're awesome."

fancysuit · 2012-12-09T06:01:15+00:00

The 3 things that I've read that have helped me:

Talk to everybody.
Say something to the girl within 3 seconds of seeing her. This prevents you from getting in your own way.
Pretend that you're talking to your best friend.

I'm still working on AA, but of the things I've read, these three have been the most helpful.

awildblokeappeared · 2012-12-09T02:55:00+00:00

Same boat, although I'm 21.

Started working out about a month ago, and I've stuck with it. It seems to help. Even a small amount of muscle gain is a big confidence boost.

fishesntits · 2012-12-09T03:21:11+00:00

id say instead of going into situations focusing on how not to fuck them up, just let go, in fact TRY to fuck up. try and fuck up as much as possible and you'll realize that when you do, its not even that bad and there will be many more opportunities.

hustlerz · 2012-12-09T04:51:36+00:00

work out. my #1 method of confidence booster.

its more about working out your mind than your body.

dbaker102194 · 2012-12-09T03:19:38+00:00

Find a stranger, try something so bold you wouldn't do it with some one you were dating. (Try to keep it appropriate for the situation) If it works, hey! Wow, you are the man! Holy shit! That would be fucking epic! However, it will probably not work out. But after that, anything will seem minor.

How I got over it. I was at a party, a little tipsy. (Teenager at the time, at a high school party.) I hadn't had any love life or really a relationship of any sort with any girl for about a year. I walked up to a cute girl, said hi, and before she could say anything, I quickly kissed her. She was stunned, I walked away. I haven't really had problems approaching a girl since.

Epoh · 2012-12-09T06:41:56+00:00

So here we are sitting on this tiny little ball called earth that's part of a solar system that represents a speck of dust in the milky way galaxy. Oh I forgot to mention there are also billions of galaxies comprising this universe, let alone the potential for many others. You're so insignificant it doesn't matter, none of this matters, not Lady Gaga, not that embarrassing time when you couldn't get it up, not anything. So just look at your daily living through that lens, and start to fuck around, do what's unexpected, that may feel like too far of a stretch but odds are, it won't be.

Just go, run, play.

2012-12-09T05:07:44+00:00

Think about how the pain of rejection or awkwardness pales in comparison to the regret of doing nothing.

heatherfly · 2012-12-09T06:23:54+00:00

Firstly, if you're unable to change your behavior, that means your thoughts are getting in the way, so you have to change your thoughts. How do you do this? It's hard. Meditation and heavy introspection can help. Why do you feel frightened to talk to a girl? Try and hash it out logically with yourself.

Secondly, you can just skip your thoughts entirely. Try and remember a time where you stopped thinking. This is easiest in events that require a lot of concentration, like for me when I am riding a really difficult horse I forget that anything else exists but trying to get this motherfucker to canter on the correct lead. This is feeling recognized in psychology as Flow (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)) and referred to here as being "in state."

So the key to getting over your shyness may be to conquer it head on and dismantle it piece by piece, or you can just jump over it like most of the guys here do and find some way to enjoy yourself so much in the moment of approaching a girl that you're in state and forget to be uncertain. :) In a word, be selfish when you're interacting with people. You're not uncertain about how to make yourself happy, you're uncertain because you're trying to make her happy. There is no way you can know how to make people happy 100%, so stop trying. Just make yourself happy in an interaction, and the best girls will be the ones who can join in.

coletrane4686 · 2012-12-09T04:29:00+00:00

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? PRACTICE! Force yourself to face your fear, if you're running out of things to say make yourself stay in the set even longer - you'll learn to think of something new really fast. Take an improv class. Just do things that your shy voice would tell you not to, feel the fear and go for it. The guys that are the best didn't get to where they are by just wishing, they pushed every signle one of their boundaries, that's what the journey is all about in the end, but you'll figure that out :-) Oh, one more thing... have fun!!!

POOR_IMPULSE_CONTR0L · 2012-12-09T08:07:41+00:00

There are short term and temporary solutions, but I believe that the only real permanent solution is this:

Write down what YOU'RE definition of what attributes you would have to possess for you, when you think about yourself, to think that you are the coolest person alive. In other words, figure out what it is that would most fulfills you in life. Then take steps towards becoming that person. Measure your life, not based on the mistakes you make, but how much closer you are to your goal. Every day is then a good day, because every day, you are one step closer. You should review these goals and make changes as necessary on a weekly basis. Every day you should be taking at least one step forward. And remember, it is not the size of the steps you take that matter, but the consistency with which you take steps forward. You will become a greater man by taking a baby step a day, every day, than you will by making large bounds only every so often.

Short term, the easiest way to feel better about yourself is to learn about men's style, and get yourself a sick wardrobe. It doesn't help your self image as much as getting ripped, but getting ripped is freaking hard.

Yes, just going out and talking to people will help, to an extent, but it is a slow process, and that entails a lot more psychological stress than just first becoming someone who you would feel confident as talking to others. Just my two cents.

2012-12-09T14:44:36+00:00

Learn to live outside your comfort zones elsewhere in life and it will translate to your interactions with women.

cma6250 · 2012-12-09T18:38:15+00:00

Watch this

bewt · 2012-12-09T05:52:40+00:00

I bet that if you're talking about something that you enjoy you're enthusiastic and entertaining. You don't know what to say because you have this concept that conversations with attractive women are different than normal conversations. They aren't. Talk about what ever is relevant. Better yet, talk about what you want to talk about. Nothing is more attractive than a man who talks about what he wants to talk about. You're probably intelligent and have a lot of interesting things that you enjoy. If it's history, fuck it, talk about history. Games, fuck yeah, Korean girls love starcraft. Any other conversation will seemed forced or dishonest.

Furthermore, when initiating conversation, take all of those impulsive thoughts like "Her hair is cute today" or "I really like her eyes and turn them into compliments. Bitches love compliments. Don't go overboard, though. A simple "I like your eyes" will do.

Lastly, I'm going to paraphrase Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People: ask questions. Everyone's main goal on this planet is to feel important. A main way of feeling important is expressing yourself to others. Ask her questions and let her do the talking. Women love to talk, especially about themselves.

neightdog · 2012-12-09T06:23:17+00:00

channel Courage Wolf and just fucking do it, man

Make3 · 2012-12-09T06:24:32+00:00

First you fake being confident, talking to people, saying stuff, although a bit awkward a times. You will progressively see what works, get an idea of how social dynamics work, and understand how to read the energy of an interaction. One day, you will become truly confident as your experience will let you pretty much know what to expect in most social situations, and how to be to look cool.

2012-12-09T07:21:15+00:00

I suffer from the same thing. I pretty clueless when it comes to women and initiating conversations. Personally i feel that if there's no immediate chemistry between the two of us, then trying to talk and flirt with her is a waste of time.

banana_box · 2012-12-09T08:11:06+00:00

something that's sort of helped me that i read here a while ago. a big problem with guys is that they put the girls they're interested in talking to on a pedestal. A technique i've used sometimes is to picture what their dump would look like

happysri · 2012-12-09T08:52:12+00:00

Every one else is worried about what everyone else thinks of them. :)

TattoosNgirlyHearts · 2012-12-09T10:55:51+00:00

Coming from a female point of view- the easiest thing you can do is tell yourself that the outcome doesn't matter (at this point, it really doesn't) - be yourself, and flirt if you feel like you are comfortable enough. If you find a smart way to ask her out or trade numbers, go for it. If not, save it for another time. Don't forget to smile.

ThorLives · 2012-12-09T19:20:30+00:00

Practice.

You should start by talking to strangers in general. If you're not that interested in talking to random strangers, but you want to talk to pretty girls who are strangers, you're going to fail because it's a high-tension situation and you've got no practice. If you're not talking to random people, you're like a boxer who gets in the ring for a fight but you haven't been going to the gym and working out.

Once you get comfortable talking to random people, you can transition to talking to the girls you like. Instead of one big step, you're breaking it up into a series of smaller, manageable steps.

2012-12-09T20:01:43+00:00

I think the most important thing is to remember these girls are people, not goals.

klaymen01 · 2012-12-09T22:21:48+00:00

Don't think about what you're going to say just improvise. I spoke to a girl i like today that works in a shop near me about the cold weather. A simple opening conversation can lead to others.

KyleIsATree · 2012-12-10T05:06:27+00:00

I'm the exact same way. I don't have approach anxiety or stress, I just don't know what the hell to talk about. It might be from not being in a relationship or in the game for so long or I might still think too highly of women when I should think of them equally(weird how in history how we downgraded them and now the opposite). It's easy for me to just give no fucks on initiating an intro to a conversation but I feel like I can't hold a convo for shit. I can't think of anything important to talk about or humorous to talk/mention to get her into talking to me.

ButteredPastry · 2012-12-10T06:19:28+00:00

Start by asking girls for simple things like the current time, date or day of the week.

Those questions aren't very effective openers but it will at least help you overcome approaching anxiety once you get used to just walking up girls and talking to them.

2012-12-09T04:58:00+00:00

Simply.....just don't give a fuck. Set your ego aside and be willing to look foolish because it's pretty goddamned fun sometimes.

Asilus · 2012-12-09T10:17:12+00:00

Practice, practice, practice.

corrisoner · 2012-12-10T14:19:34+00:00

I was in the exact same situation about 3 years ago (I was 18 back then). I never had long lasting relationships and I was freaking out because of that. I had self doubts if it was my looks that led to not getting a gf or any kind of sexual relationship with a girl.

What helped me most to turn this around was a guy from my class back then, who's meanwhile my best friend. He is a "natural" and he tried to help me with the girls.

So the first thing I then was able to was seeing him "in action", how he behaves with girls.

The second thing is, that he always supported me and still does today. He made me approach girls with a simple argument: "what could possibly go wrong?". And well, most of the times the approach worked out. So the only thing that stopped me from establishing relationships was myself.

Well, I know I was lucky to get to know such a person and to get friends with him. But remember: "One can choose his friends, not his family". So maybe it's possible for you to get to know such a person and get friends with him.

What also helped me a lot to become more self confident was working out. I go to the gym about one year now and this really made me feel better. And as far as I recognized, girls notice if you feel better and then they feel more comfortable being around you.

And finally different techniques (Kino etc.) also helped me a lot to overcome the situation. (Thank you reddit :) )

Hope this helpes you :D

budguy68 · 2012-12-09T04:43:04+00:00

Dis-comfortableness will always be there. Its nature's way of making sure you can handle the heat.

A beta male will surender and go home. An alpha male will act. He might fuck up but ohh well...

Really though, you should be happy you feel discomfort. It means you're stepping out of your comfort zone. So the more discomfort you feel the more desensitize you become because you get use to it.

Its like UFC fighters. The way they get rid of pain is by hitting themselves and fighting more. Eventually they develop leather skin and become more desensitize to pain.

Title	How does one get over shyness and uncertainty ?
Author	Graal2
Upvotes	82
Comments	56
Date	December 9, 2012 1:28 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/14ixtu/how_does_one_get_over_shyness_and_uncertainty/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-does-one-get-over-shyness-and-uncertainty.1344019 https://theredarchive.com/post/1344019

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