Life Hack for confidence?

Frya · 2014-11-29T01:04:02+00:00

"What is the quickest way to really boost my confidence?"

Amount of reference experiences.
Going for what you really want in every situation. Don't "try" to be confident. Don't try to be alpha or some other bullshit. Just go for what you want and defend values that you stand for.

But the quick fix is, having a sense of direction every day, all the time:

Choose your "north star goal".
Sit down, think and write down path to achieve it, step by step.
Stick to it at all cost. No excusses, no "tommorows", no manianas. Do as much as possible every day. Be radical about it. Either you are on a narrow path to achieving your goal, or you are going down, down, down... down... down............

o_Guybrush_o · 2014-11-28T23:16:32+00:00

You asked for it and even mentioned hypnosis, meditation etc yourself, so don't laugh at me:

You might have heard of that sub /r/NoFap and might be put off by it's strange sounding community and the cult-like approach.
Fact however is, that abstaining from masturbation and porn (read: artificial sexual stimuli) fixes your dopamine system and raises your testosterone levels to their normal amount after spiking them extremely on about day 7. Even after that spike you will benefit, because it also repairs the amount of testosterone-receptors.

This sounds like a huge pile of bro science, I know, but let me tell you from my personal experience and that of hundreds of thousands others, that leaving porn and masturbation behind (while being hard) is one of the best things that can happen to your confidence.
The benefits we notice in this "challenge" include a wide variety of things, for example: easier eye contact with everyone, more social presence, a clearer mind (no brain fog), the huge confidence to talk to every girl you like, amplified emotions (-> life feels more "real"), increased motivation to follow the more lengthy "projects" (relationship-wise, no more of that "ugh, I guess I don't really have a chance anyway)...
And - again, don't laugh at me - from about day 7-11 you will really notice more female attention.

I'll try to send you some good links if you want to read more, because our community can be strange sometimes :D
After all, giving it a try for just 10 days (most people go for 90 and more) won't hurt and you have a chance to experience this by yourself :)

Into_the_groove · 2014-11-28T21:40:18+00:00

Confidence comes from successful accomplishments. School, sports, job, etc. Pick something that you can feel proud about and stick with it.

There is no way to feel confident without having something to back it up with. Through the trials of adversity comes confidence in oneself.

I have a ton of money in the bank, a good career, tons of great friends, and a house. Sometimes my confidence in my abilities wavers, but it certainly helps to look back at where I came. It certainly gives me a boost in my confidence.

I do not recommend getting your source of confidence from picking up or women. Life accomplish can not be taken away unlike a girl that can break your heart at a moments notice.

TheGodfather_1992 · 2014-11-28T21:30:23+00:00

Building confidence takes time. Sure, some stuff will give you quick confidence, but an ill build confidence gets destroyed as quickly as it was built.

You can try self hypnosis, there are tons of files out there for confidence. I would stay away from medication, as I'm sure they'll have undesirable consequences. You can go in therapy to a psychologist, it might help to know why you're not confident and give you a professional advice.

But what helps most people is building it slowly. For people with social anxiety, it is to start with few conversations, to extended small talk with strangers, to finally building real relationships, etc.

Without knowing what the real issue is, we can't really help. I'd say go out a lot, get to know people, work out (the hormones released are said to help to gain confidence) and just try to enjoy your life. Everyone is worth something, you have your own skills and values which no one has in the same combination. Everyone is unique, keep that in mind.

AmexAndXanax · 2014-11-29T08:25:46+00:00

I used to be you.

Sometimes, I relapse. Almost always as a result of a personal failure - whether it's missing several days of exercise, eating like absolute crap, failing a final exam because I decided to smoke instead of study, etc.

Whenever you relapse, I've found that the following things can help.

Place yourself into the situations where you've felt extreme confidence in the past and pinpoint what it is about that environment that makes you feel confident. For example, maybe you're confident and perfectly composed at small get-togethers but uncomfortable with big parties or bar scenes. Instead of just saying, "Well, I'm just not good in big crowds", really consider what it is that makes you feel differently. Is it actually, in that case, a loosened core of good friends at a bigger gathering that makes you feel less confident? Really think about it. And then try to incorporate whatever your 'missing piece' is into situations in which you feel less confident.
Do something you think you can't do (e.g., 100 consecutive pushups; don't get up until you fucking do it). Learn something that you've always wanted to learn but thought was too difficult (whether that's learning to dance, learning to make something from your own labor, learning men's style from the ground up over at /r/MaleFashionAdvice, the possibilities are endless) The confidence boost from breaking your own personal barriers is huge.
Adversity in private leads to confidence in public. Overcome the obstacles you recognize in your life in the privacy of your own home. Can't dance? Don't embarrass yourself right away on the dance floor or you will be scarred for life at dancing. Get a feel for it at home so you can wow people and feel great about yourself (not that your happiness should be dependent on what other people think - confidence is all about what you feel. But of course, there are, definitively, very wrong ways to dance). Can't do small talk? Harder, but in casual conversations with people who you don't really care about (waiters/waitresses, retail folk, ...), consciously try to nip your bad habits. Obviously, doing something you're unfamiliar with for the first time and in front of a crowd has the potential to be damaging to your confidence, so be proactive and don't let that happen.
Look people in the eyes! Smile! Posture! Open body language! It's amazing how many people don't do this, because it is absolutely foundational to self-confidence! You should look people in the eyes for about 90% of a conversation with casual glances here and there so it always stays welcoming, not intimidating. Smiling is another absolutely crucial thing to do. Catch yourself if you feel your face falling into a deep ugly frown (like mine naturally does). People are far more likely to smile back at you just passing by, and that does wonders for shaky self-confidence. Posture is important, too. Open body language, including a good sitting posture, hand movement when appropriate while speaking, etc. Keep just a little bit of cognizance about these things and all these things will become second-nature by next month. And arguably the most important:
Be fucking great at something. Confidence isn't just something that can be manufactured out of thin air. Both fortunately and unfortunately, as Into_the_groove pointed out, there has to be something backing it up. But you can easily master whatever it is by following the other steps. Back to the dancing example, it's impossible to have confidence if you have no rhythm and no moves. Spending half a day practicing and learning at least the foundations will give you all you need to have confidence. Confidence does NOT require you to be the BEST at anything. Far from it! Confidence is a self-building cycle. If you train yourself to be an average dancer, you can use the adequate amount of confidence you now have, and it builds on itself because people can see your confidence from a mile away. Suddenly you feel a rush of self-confidence and you're the guy in a dance battle for the beautiful girl - in a scene straight out of a 90s movie. All you need is that first kick, which comes from being proactive and getting - at minimum - good enough at something to feel comfortable.

I really do hope this helps. This is my first comment ever on Reddit after being just a skimmer for 5 years, but at 3am EST and just getting back home from an awesome night out where all I could think about was, "Wow, I'm so glad I taught myself how to be confident instead of how I was in high school; I wish I could take myself back and do it over", I thought all this needed to be shared. But now I'm going to sleep.

Good luck! Confidence starts with doing things out of your comfort zone, but only when you're ready... which you will be if you truly want it.

AKCheesehead · 2014-11-29T01:53:54+00:00

Try some excercise. I feel great after a nice run!

ThatSpecialPlace · 2014-11-29T00:34:59+00:00

if you have confidence and happiness, you dont need anything else imo.

I strongly believe this true confidence comes from being passionate and devoted to an activity or hobby that you love. When you do what you love, nothing else matters. Money, cars, jobs (Unless you literally have your dream job); they're all possessions. They will come and go, it's the things you can't buy that will bring you true happiness.

2014-11-29T02:29:26+00:00

It largely comes from experience. Try to talk to people every day. No, not your 2 best friends, you're already "confident" around those. Talk to people in your class that you don't know. "Practice" on them. Be overconfident, and it's okay if you come off as obnoxious. You probably won't be close friends with those people.

1step2step · 2014-11-29T05:54:57+00:00

Kick out and avoid any negative poeople in your life including family and friends.

By negative I mean when you are done interacting with them you are much happier. If you are simply neutral then you need to get them out of your life.

This_is_skyler · 2014-11-29T06:08:38+00:00

Theres no life hack for something thats a lifetime skill

Cleftin · 2014-11-29T06:21:55+00:00

Amy Cuddy TED Talks: http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

Endoss · 2014-11-29T10:22:53+00:00

Confidence comes from trust of the self. Focus on who you are and trust that you are someone worth depending on. Trust that you're able to do what needs to be done. Trust your own instinct and you will find yourself brimming with confidence.

Gamma_Male_ · 2014-11-29T10:38:46+00:00

I've been through the same journey. The most authentic, the most effective and deepest "hack" that I have come across is from this book:

Learn to love all parts of yourself including thoughts, emotions and body unconditionally which translates to accepting and owning everything about yourself. It sounds cheesy and new-agy but if you get into it you immediately feel the results. My two cents.

The_2nd_Coming · 2014-11-29T11:35:09+00:00

I have started eating very healthily, have calorie counted, have been taking care over my appearence, and buying nice (but by no means expensive) clothes, and I have lost 20 pounds.

You are on the right path my friend.

Is there a shortcut

IMO there is no shortcut. Confidence is a result of external feedback from successes in life. You lost weight and look better and now girls respond to you better? You get more confident. You get multiple job interviews and offers as you have worked on your career for a few years? You get more confident.

As /u/Frya have already mentioned, it;s the amount of reference experience and being able to tell the difference between when something will work and when something won't, and what input you can have on the result/situation.

Keep looking after yourself and trying new and difference things, and go after what you want in life. You'll get there eventually.

Knowing what you want and what you believe are right or wrong is also very important - only you can judge that for yourself and no one else. What do I mean by this? I mean that you should examine what your core believes and values are, and they should drive your behaviour. People will disagree with you every now and then but as long as you are okay with looking at the guy in the mirror every day for the actions he has taken then that is all you need to justify your actions.

belsober · 2014-11-29T12:06:28+00:00

Confidence should not be confused with arrogance. I associate arrogance with being disconnected with this world. Shortcuts like drugs, hypnosis are a blanket that does not target the source cutbags (with drugs doe happen dependency costs...) Coffidence and inconfidence are a continuum, try to place yourself on it. If it goes really deep, maybe try therapy. Feeling inconfident is normal a natural respons, don't let it limit you and take on small challanges once and a while.

Turbolqk · 2014-11-29T12:58:39+00:00

Think about why you get confident sometimes and why you don't. I used to be like you and I never got why this happened. But now when I look back at it, I think I know the answer.

Back then I used to be very reactive. Reactive means dependent on external sources which is the opposite of proactive. Basically my confidence depended on weather people liked me, respected me, treated me nice and payed me attention. If they did I felt as you say - phenomenal.

If people did not, I felt inferior and tried to get them to like me. I acted, said things, did things the way I believed would make me look cool. The irony is, just the opposite happened. People found me weird, or at least I thought so.

If you feel this is your problem then read on. The true way of confidence is:

Know your prize - That is realized in time. You will know how cool you are or not and what to fix on yourself when you build some strong values. You're 23 still, so you have time. I personally went through a phase when I didn't knew who I really was or how valuable I really am.
If people don't give, they don't deserve - This is a mindset which is also built as time passes. If ladies or some gentlemen do not give you attention, respect, or whatever, they don't deserve yours. Simply ignore them and you will actually find that they will start respecting you.
Confidence is not something you have or you don't - Confidence is the combination of your believes about yourself. You may be confident in one situation and completely unconfident in another. Lets say you try to seduce a girl. You've never really had any success with that so It's completely natural for you to be unconfident. But if you keep trying and eventually get laid a few times, you'll feel confident about seducing chicks. Just as you aren't confident with seducing, you may be confident with getting in a fight because you've fought a lot as a child. So you'll basically be unconfident in seducing, but confident in fighting. Get it? So the logical way to fix this is to find the spots you're uncofident about and practice until you become confident in them. Simple, but that also takes time as well.

So the conclusion is there is no fast way to confidence. It's about changing mentality, becoming experienced in many ways you're not and focusing on your belief about yourself instead of focusing on what others think of you. That all takes time, but go on now. Don't stop. Keep training and keep developing yourself for the rewards are great. I advise you to read my other post: http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2m3ugf/the_full_how_to_stop_seeking_validation_guide/

Hope I helped :).

moh_money_moh_probs · 2014-11-29T13:26:56+00:00

Inaction lowers confidence which leads to farther inaction. so the counter must be true. Action raise confidence which leads to farther (possible) action. When you see an opportunity, take it! You'll be glad you did.

awareness1111 · 2014-11-29T23:23:52+00:00

The old saying goes "know yourself, know the way in all things".

Seriously, though. Start a meditation practice, and read about self-knowledge and get right in your own head. If you're in a decent size town, there's meditation groups everywhere. Go sit down, shut up and be with your own thoughts.

You start doing that, you'll get the inner confidence of You, knowing You. Can't nobody take that once you got it.

Good luck.

gexxx007 · 2014-12-01T19:40:03+00:00

I heard there's a magic potion to give you confidence. It's called Jaeger.

Nofap_TH1356 · 2014-11-28T23:07:37+00:00

Fake it till you make it can work here. Constantly be saying "I got this" to yourself whenever you feel doubt. Get that feeling you get when you look someone in the eyes and say "I got this" with a smirk and a nod. Find things you enjoy doing, and get good at them, and then sit down and look at your accomplishments. It's gonna take some time, definitely not an overnight thing, but it will be 100% worth it

2014-11-29T04:31:37+00:00

Bodybuilding.

metshower · 2014-11-29T05:58:45+00:00

Lots of good answers here but I'm going to throw in a book recommendation - Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (Nathaniel Branden).

The author (a psychiatrist by profession) breaks down self-esteem into six essential parts:

Living consciously (Being fully aware of and not disowning reality)
Self-acceptance (Fully acknowledging and not disowning your attributes and flaws)
Taking full responsibility and ownership for your experiences in life and your ability to change them. (Not playing the victim)
Being assertive (Being respectful of and expressing your needs appropriately.)
Being a productive member of society, having goals and executing on them. Living life purposefully.
Having integrity. Acting in alignment with your values.

The book has exercises in the form of "Sentence completion".. it's a more subtle way of changing your attitudes (by gradually training the subconscious mind) but it will takes weeks or months of daily practice. Even if you don't do the exercises, I strongly recommend reading the book because each pillar is described exceedingly well and you will quickly and easily see where you are going wrong with your attitudes.

Radicalmattitude1 · 2014-11-29T06:55:53+00:00

Your "confidence' is a relative thing. some days youll feel really confident and some days you wont.

Think of your confident days as a reward for your hard work -- The unconfident days as when you push outside your comfort zone and get stronger.

I find that my confidence comes from a place where I can respect myself, and that has nothing to do with how many people like me. If I am dead honest with myself and I'm putting an honest effort towards achienving my goals, then I can respect myself.

Once you respect yourself, other people will respect you. if they dont, they can go fuck themslelves.

think of life on theses terms and you will learn to love yourself, and girls will learn to love you for it

2014-11-29T01:03:11+00:00

Get a process for everything, it isn't some magical feeling, logically set up a process for girls, as there is one, you just need to find it.

There's one for everything, making coffee, getting dressed, etc.

Terakahn · 2014-11-29T08:29:57+00:00

Pretend you're someone you know to be confident. Ie: James Bond

Title	Life Hack for confidence?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	57
Comments	37
Date	November 28, 2014 9:08 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2np6cc/life_hack_for_confidence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/life-hack-for-confidence.1380275 https://theredarchive.com/post/1380275

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