You can't earn a person’s affection through performing unrequested actions and then getting upset when they don’t give you what you want.

daveinpublic · 2021-03-17T16:47:43+00:00

This was something I learned early on, but wish I knew it even sooner. Performing for someone is not going to get them to like you. Imagine if some random girl you know was always buying you little candies. Wouldn’t make you like her much more. But you’d be kind about it.

Night_Hawk1 · 2021-03-17T17:53:13+00:00

Plain and simple: people don't attach to you based on how much you invest in them but rather how much they have invested in you. If you want to earn affection from someone, encourage investment in you, whether that's time, emotions, money, gifts. I've placed them in that order for weights sake but for some people it may be different. Someone who doesn't have money, buying you a dinner is a huge investment. Etc. By encouraging to buy into you, it's based on your confidence in the product and what you're selling. You by yourself are enough to invest in. That is why seduction community encourages so strongly in self improvement. Because then selling their investment in you is easy, the product sells itself. People will hate you if you sell investment in yourself like you're a rockstar but end up being a loser fat slob, with no social skills, emotional intelligence, romantic and bedroom skills, hygiene, or job. Aka catfishing.

In fact it IS detrimental to invest in someone without seeing a return or overtly encouraging investment first. It makes you look desperate. Men do this all the time with buying drinks at a bar. It's a shit test. It says 'I will give my worldly possessions to a stranger for their time because I have 0 things other than my money to offer this stranger.' They are the seller and I am the buyer. Fail. While stupidly, the guy improperly envisions it as a fair trade agreement. Or worse he subcommunicated she's a prostitute, ie 'my financial possessions for your attention and body and you have the chance to say no.' 'What a sucker,' she thinks, 'of course i will take the free offering and say no.'They will no longer respect you. They walk away after a short terse conversation and the guy is left going' but I bought her a drink!?'. Why is he so upset? Because he is the one who is heavily invested! An hours worth of work for the $10 drink at his minimum wage job. She invested a few words, a smile, and a couple minutes, not all that costly, and got to leave with a free drink. Do NOT EVER DO THIS. Take this to heart: Bussiness deals are overtly communicated, relationships are subcommunicated.

This is the top #1 tenant to garner Long term attraction.

One last addition of completing the circle is segwaying the sales from buying into you, to buying into 'us.' ie let's go invest in doing, buying, experiencing/feeling x together.

SliPKnoTChiC · 2021-03-17T16:55:02+00:00

Found out the hard way. If they like you they will like you for you not what you can do for them

geocesc · 2021-03-17T16:12:07+00:00

Learned this the hard way.

ihaphleas · 2021-03-17T16:57:52+00:00

This is not just seduction, this is life and economics.

People have different things and want different things ... that's what makes cooperation and division of labor reasonable.

Don't treat people as you would want to be treated, treat them as they want to be treated.

Maybe you don't have the intelligence or empathy to know what other people want. Then just be honest about what you have in abundance, what you can easily give/trade. People who want those things, people who will be happy with you, are then more likely to come to you.

Often, what is easiest for you to give should be what you offer other people.

intercoursesadness · 2021-03-17T17:02:01+00:00

Yes you certainly can but not for everyone since everyone is different. Unrequested actions involves gifts and helping around the house/work etc. If you get upset because you wanted something then where is your heart at? Do it for the love of it and because of who you are.

Casanova-Quinn · 2021-03-17T19:03:47+00:00

In his book, Dr. Glover calls these "covert contracts".

It's one of the major flawed behaviors of nice guys.

Maximum-Cash · 2021-03-17T17:40:45+00:00

The problem is keeping this in your mind and stop letting your subconscious work on your behalf. It’s easy to say you should/shouldn’t do a certain thing when you’re in the comfort of your home, but outside your mind can easily go auto pilot. And thinking too hard about it in the moment makes it harder to connect to people and you keep selling yourself short. Gotta find a middle ground.

poots2 · 2021-03-17T18:31:02+00:00

I remember Matthew hussey, quoted a study that showed that when you do something for someone else, it actually causes YOU to like THEM more and not the other way around. That's why he always tells girls to ask guys who they're interested in for their help, to build his attraction. Can't find the study right now but if anyone knows about it, please comment

w3agle · 2021-03-17T18:46:59+00:00

God so real. I recently had a bad case of being hung up on a girl for a long time. Decided to lean into it. Wrote her a poem (lol ok look we bonded over writing ok?), bought flowers, etc. She responded “I just started dating someone.” Maybe it’s true, maybe not. Certainly felt like an excuse to get me out of her hair though haha. Because I mean we talk normally and she had never mentioned that?

Anyway - point is. TITLE IS 100% accurate can verify lol.

dodged_that_one · 2021-03-17T23:47:46+00:00

I stopped doing spontaneously nice things for friends because even though I didn't expect anything back, they held it against me that they perceived they'd involuntarily incurred a debt

I recognise now that it also lowered my social standing because people reasoned that if I was thinking of others all the time and putting my self out, it must be because I was inferior and needed to do so in order to make up the ground.

It's sad that that's how people think. I used to be a better person, now I'm a happier one.

Fokker_Snek · 2021-03-17T17:08:41+00:00

Agree but don’t really think that communicating low status or desperation are the issue. Affection is about feelings and engaging with them, especially sexual and romantic ones. Buying however suggests a transactional relationship where feelings don’t matter. It wouldn’t matter if you came across as low status or desperate or not, if you never actually engage with their feelings they’re not going to be attracted.

Rev_Irreverent · 2021-03-17T20:57:41+00:00

You don't earn a person's affection by performing even requested actions! The only accepted trading coin of love is virtue, or personal value.

e66666666666666666 · 2021-03-17T20:29:32+00:00

Women are notorious for doing this. The whole phrase “I went to the moon and back for him” and all he said was I never asked you to. This is what this is referring to as well.

dentodili · 2021-03-17T21:30:20+00:00

THIS!!! 100 TIMES THIS!. Even worse sometimes they will hate you for it

ContWord2346 · 2021-03-17T19:16:10+00:00

Sounds like a mafia shakedown racket.

jaybetterman · 2021-03-17T21:37:00+00:00

No covert contracts

2021-03-18T01:06:49+00:00

Never simp

2021-03-17T17:06:42+00:00

When WHO don't give what we want?

light_90 · 2021-03-18T00:29:36+00:00

I learned I can’t earn someone’s affection even if it’s the first encounter or or Last they just simply move on

dreweydecimal · 2021-03-18T01:16:41+00:00

Person A: dumped him because he wasn’t investing and doing nice things for me.

Also person A: he was investing too much and I lost attraction.

Funtimes773 · 2021-03-18T03:45:40+00:00

Yeah if you're being played one of the big red flags is early on she's telling you to try and bring her things when nothing's been established. I got played by a Communications Major, right after she played my coworker. Thing is she basically still asked me out so it's bittersweet. The ghosting/sudden drop of interest still hurts though.

One of the things she suggested was bringing something for her, which when shared to others helping completely baffled them. Others said watch out for the gaslight. Just another emotional vampire. Was truly sad she courted it for several months and even broke up with a bf right before that she had been with for 4 years... Checked all the boxes... yeah this one hurt.

2021-03-18T04:28:53+00:00

Attention seeking, pleaser, external locus of identity (likes self as others like oneself), needy, pushover, doormat, beta behaviour or nice/codependent demeanor aren't attractive, social proof, not peacocking (picture the animal; standing out), definitely not good guy/person material. Fishing for comments is an example of such non respected manner. Be best self, be authentic, good, kind, assertive, playful, adaptable.

vvdawggg · 2021-03-17T16:12:15+00:00

Agreed

natpron13 · 2021-03-17T18:19:47+00:00

Sounds like the "nice guy" mentality. Doing nice things for a girl, not because you want to, but because you expect something in return. Like the girl has status bar or "Affection level" bar and you have to fill it until you reach the max level.

Throwaway7907901 · 2021-03-17T18:58:09+00:00

I actually tend to date richer girls and convince them to buy me gifts and shit. I’ve noticed they start to justify it in their mind.

Then they will say “wow I can’t believe I actually bought you a PS5.” To which I say “I guess you just really must like me” and they fall for you after a while of this type of manipulation.

Lord_Augastus · 2021-03-18T02:11:05+00:00

But you can gain their favouritism by getting them to perform small tasks (like foot in the door)...

eagleye03 · 2021-03-18T03:45:37+00:00

I wish i knew this earlier. Saved this post.

LeavingituptoBeaver · 2021-03-18T05:00:36+00:00

This topic strikes a nerve. I’ve walked this road with a man that had the grace to tell me when I said “I had been a fool “ that he didn’t know any!! Please understand how that made me feel!! Our friendship remained intact and my self esteem did as well!

CrabBucketSecurity · 2021-03-18T05:49:50+00:00

Covert contracts

Ziondizl · 2021-03-18T08:10:48+00:00

I did this in my last relationship, even made her get there 4 or 5 times before I even entered her, ahe still found her ex more attractive because he did less but did them when it counted. If I had of seen this post before that I'd have saved myself thousands on wasted time. Now I just tinder and assert myself.

Gervaes · 2021-03-18T08:12:18+00:00

My family in a nutshell. On the other hand, I knew pretty early that it doesn't work since I hate that they do this with me all the time lmao

sillywhg · 2021-03-18T09:40:02+00:00

I’m used to get what i want when it comes to men. And this one time when it didn’t happen, i became soooo childish. Like « you’re stopid» level. I just felt like getting it out, and probably shamed my reputation a bit. But thats life! Can’t have it all! Still think it was worth it for me, to get the rant out. doesn’t make any difference in his life anyway,

Direct-View-1195 · 2021-03-18T23:19:37+00:00

"A high status person with options would believe that they are good enough as they are, and not feel like they needed to compensate by performing additional countless favors." Then go watch this video of a millionaire who is worth $100 million who got duped by a Onlyfans. Isn't he considered "high status?" Yeah your opinion is invalid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yepfn6stI5I

Title	You can't earn a person’s affection through performing unrequested actions and then getting upset when they don’t give you what you want.
Author	MK2718
Upvotes	900
Comments	57
Date	March 17, 2021 2:41 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/m71wp3/you_cant_earn_a_persons_affection_through/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/you-cant-earn-a-persons-affection-through.1511234 https://theredarchive.com/post/1511234

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