Unless you are especially handsome, there is no reason for someone to find you attractive prior to you interacting with them. The majority of attraction is created via your actions and behaviors within an interaction. In many cases, the interaction comes prior to attraction, not vice versa.

gammaJinx · 2021-04-07T15:11:41+00:00

I think if it like a video game. Its helpful to optimize as many stats as possible to achieve the same outcome.

ld20r · 2021-04-07T14:51:25+00:00

Hard disagree. Attraction and seduction isn’t a one size fits all approach and different people like different things. Some are attracted to looks inherently and some aren’t. It’s different for everyone.

optimal981 · 2021-04-07T14:15:25+00:00

I disagree and apparently you do to. You literally wrote "or have social proof". When people see you leading others in any capacity or interacting with other girls (the hotter the better), they will find you more attractive.

monked80 · 2021-04-07T14:50:06+00:00

Yeah but physical attractiveness is usually the first step, so a lot of things don't matter if you can't get past that first step.

MO_drps_knwldg · 2021-04-07T15:26:32+00:00

The key is saying the MAJORITY of attraction is created by interacting in an attractive manner.

Where this concept is taken too far is where you say that there is NO REASON for someone to find you attractive without any prior interaction.

Totally discounting physical appearance and its role in attraction is unrealistic. However, I agree that it shouldn’t disuade someone from attempting to talk to someone else.

Body language, style, grooming, and physical fitness are huge factors.

If two guys are equally as interesting and charming, but one appears more dominant and is demonstrating value through his physical appearance, and the other is sloppy in his appearance, the well-groomed guy is going to win out the majority of the time.

You might be equating being naturally handsome and physically attractive, which are two different things in my opinion.

Agreed that deeper level attraction occurs the more you interact with someone, but initial physical attraction can be powerful and shouldn’t be neglected.

AppearanceAccording6 · 2021-04-07T15:14:33+00:00

I think this is important especially for guys who believe that “all chads get girls”. Yes some good looking guys do, but some can’t even speak to a woman despite getting noticed a lot.

I have a friend who is not good looking at all but is incredibly charismatic and gets insane results with hot women.

The_Sir_Galahad · 2021-04-07T15:18:12+00:00

I agree.

I think even attractive people are placed in a neutral zone of attraction for most women.

Then, depending on how you act, they categorize you as fuckable or unfuckable.

chada37 · 2021-04-07T15:28:43+00:00

I know this is correct. I have a really good friend. 70 years old, bald, false teeth, short, not particularly attractive and married. Gets more women ( attractive younger women) than you would ever believe in a million years he could get. Why? He just talks to them and he is funny and uninhibited. After a while they think he's cute. Next thing ya know he's banging them. If I did not witness it over and over I would not believe it. Totally changed all my beliefs about seduction that's for sure. He says all the time he doesn't even look for them they just appear. I am much younger and more traditionally attractive but when we are together they don't give me a second look cause he can talk. I've never seen anything like it. He made me understand looks really don't matter alot of the time.

Tech-guy-201 · 2021-04-07T15:24:18+00:00

This is very true and you should operate with that assumption, if you go through life thinking people are judging you entirely based of your appearance, I think you are more likely to not even try with women or people, you just wait for them to pass judgement then leave it at that.

Whereas if you go through life realising that it's how you act that creates attraction and not attraction that creates how you act, you are way more likely to be considered a confident/attractive person because you just take action, you make it fun/flirty.

Bizarro- · 2021-04-07T23:14:50+00:00

This is why I kinda advocate for a lot of guys to get their social skills and everything up cause I’ve seen some “ugly” dudes pull some of the baddest females.

GlitteringJudge2447 · 2021-04-08T02:22:30+00:00

So true found this out this year tho lol

Remarkable_Prompt_84 · 2021-04-07T15:16:49+00:00

I kind of agree with the OP. I have literally never approached a girl from my side. And looks wise I do not rate my (past) self well. But I have had success when I have first interacted with someone before and then the attraction kicks in. Hence, the fact that I've always had feelings for someone who was my best friend or an acquaintance. If at all I haven't interacted with the girl, safe to say I won't approach them due to my social anxiety issues.

krnhaha · 2021-04-07T15:46:15+00:00

I think your point is really good and logical but there is also a other logic like - timing

explanation:- like I am interacting with he/she and going well but I am not the only one in the world who he/she is meeting so if I have more time then I have high chances that I will win.

but if she found someone else in that time that he/she already finds attractive my chances just goes to minimal.

and I was just trying to explain my thought, not giving any excuses about your post. and this is the only way for average looking male/female.

2021-04-07T17:28:32+00:00

I like this approach. I’ve always thought that being attracted to the superficial is what kills our judgment, and in order to build something together we need to determine our value to one another.

I think where this can go wrong and needs to be checked is the mindset that everyone now has to prove themselves to you, but overall I think it’s better to let people reveal themselves than decide immediately that you’re attracted to them.

This is where it becomes key to focus on building an interesting, fulfilling life in order to become attractive in the long run rather than focusing on maximizing short term gains in an attempt to show you have “game.” It’s the difference between leasing a Mercedes and knowing how to build a Rolls Royce.

JourneyForLife · 2021-04-07T18:31:06+00:00

As a woman: I agree. There are a lot of physically attractive guys- unless you're unusually handsome I won't even notice you. I assume guys are somewhat different, but to women just seeing an attractive person means nothing to us. Because you're a stranger, we will not make something more out of the situation than we need to, and that means that the most men, whether handsome or not, will actually be treated like a stranger. It's only through interaction that we can consider any other possibilities. Or else you are just "that dude over there."

Since "that dude over there" must interact with you before you think more about him, the nature of the interaction is important. That does not minimize handsomeness, but if your handsomeness is paired with awkwardness you won't have sparks flying.

Also, this includes everyone women have crushes on, not men they are close to. The "interaction" could be one-sided, but if I'm spending two hours watch Chris Hemsworth face in "Thor" and get attracted to him it doesn't mean I would look twice at a random Chris Hemsworth look-a-like who walked past me on the side walk. At the absolute bare minimum, even noticing a friend's friend could be enough for a spark, but there must be something.

TiedHands · 2021-04-08T01:30:32+00:00

But you usually have to be somewhat attractive to get your foot in the door. Thats just how humans work.

geychan · 2021-04-08T03:41:40+00:00

So true!

naughtychick9999 · 2021-04-07T15:16:41+00:00

Agreed. I have two categories for men physically, gross or not gross and whether or not I find them attractive is determined by their personality, conversation and demeanor.

ThenIJizzedInMyPants · 2021-04-07T15:16:40+00:00

Agreed - which is why simply the act of approaching in a confident way can generate attraction where before there was none. You don't get this benefit with online dating as a guy.

Gimmeabeerandamop · 2021-04-07T15:31:45+00:00

Look at all the people who still haven’t figured out how “attractive” doesn’t exclusively refer to an appealing physical appearance

wolflion20 · 2021-04-07T13:57:38+00:00

one trillion percent true. my looks alone don't get me any attention, nor should they. just like anyone else. but once i start just vibing and having fun and dancing and stuff, that's when i start to get attention and take the women home, lol. rejections too, but that's inevitable part of success.

Crosismitosis · 2021-04-07T16:56:27+00:00

As people, we all have different strengths and comfort zones. This can be a great tool you should add to your utility belt. You never know what you might discover about yourself as you try new tactics.

That first sentence is wrong though. The reasons someone would find you attractive prior to interacting with you is how they see you interact with others, how others interact with you, and how you interact with the environment overall.

If they see people are having a good time around you, then maybe you’re someone worth getting to know. At which capacity? That will depend on your ability to follow through.

Impressive_Weather60 · 2021-04-07T17:57:14+00:00

TRUE AF

2021-04-07T22:03:28+00:00

The key point here is "Some people want to be sure that another person likes them before approaching and starting a conversation. This is the wrong mindset to have." Here are the caveats:

Good looks (also including fashion etc.) are subjective so someone somewhere will find you especially handsome/beautiful (I'd rather be with them)
If by attraction you mean likely to want a long term relationship, then similarity is much more important. However, in short term casual relationships, then looks are the most important
Actions and behaviors gives us a sense of someone's personality, and "good personality" and "good looks" tend to be mutually reinforcing in our perception of someone e.g. an outgoing person will be perceived more physically attractive, and a physically attractive person will be perceived more outgoing
When it comes to interactions between men and women, women typically play a selective role from the beginning simply by how approachable they come off or whether they give any invitations, and it makes sense for men to go more for the ones who do
If a guy hasn't gotten any invitations from a woman, all he has to do is wave, or otherwise do something to get her attention and see her reaction. If it wasn't enthusiastic, I don't think it's a good idea to bother her

taa_dow · 2021-04-08T00:54:47+00:00

In theory sure.

_Turiya · 2021-04-08T01:06:28+00:00

my problem is, i’m attractive and receive this input from others of both or any gender. but it doesn’t mean shit cus i identify and exhibit as a man and women, do not give a single fuck, on any given day the badder they are the more fucking dicks get thrown in their slightest ventures outside their homes. men do not fucking know what that world is like maybe you get close to it if your gay and go to gay scenes a lot but i wouldn’t know and frankly that’s just my projection. the fucked up thing is too i’m also attracted to those bad women but godamn it it’s almost guaranteed if she’s bad she’s fucking bougie there’s no way around it i’m almost certain lol. they just got options man they don’t even turn their heads if they see a man any one and everyone will agree is handsome maybe unless he also has visible status proof and pockets.

the mating game is rigged from the big bang. if you are xy creating more is going to be a helluva fucking steeper hill to climb than if you are xx

pablodiablo906 · 2021-04-08T01:28:21+00:00

Grossly exaggerated thesis

https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

MakeSail · 2021-04-08T04:05:46+00:00

In my actual experience with women IRL, I find there are two basic categories of attraction, both are important to women:

Initial attraction (instinctual): This is attraction at a distance before conversation, which includes flirting at a distance. When a women see a man she is attracted she will flirt in some instinctual way, which can be very subtle and I think is largely involuntary.

Initial attraction IRL is not just facial looks (being handsome), which I think is actually the third thing women notice. I am very fit and I would say have above average looks, but when a women sees me at a distance walking, the pattern is very repeatable and I guess could best be described as genetic markers.

The first thing women look at is the V look (chest to waist ratio). Second the tall lean look (height to leg length ratio + butt). Then third facial looks with emphasis on eye contact.

Beyond this I really don't know the sequence or importance, but the way you walk and move and other nonverbals are very important because you demonstrate or project confidence, charisma, empathy, kindness, being approachable, looking friendly, etc.

How does a woman know a man is confident just by observing him?

He is projecting confidence in his persona.

Women who are very good at judging men at a distance have actually cognitively honed their instincts, which some would label as intuition. Instinctual behavior that is honed or perfected I think is a common occurrence for emotionally mature women. But in practice it is not cognitive, meaning can a women cognitively describe the actual details of overall initial attraction after the fact. No, not to a great deal of detail. But, I think this is normal in a skill based in instinct. I am very good at reading people, and I would say I lot of what I do in nonverbal communication is instinctual in application, which means both receiving and sending "signals" happens very quickly.

Mate value attraction (cognitive): This is attraction during conversation and connection. Here women are judging mate value traits, like confidence, charisma, intelligence, emotional maturity, etc. Communication here is also high level especially in making a connection (chemistry) through nonverbal communication. In conversation with connection at some point you are establishing trust, which is just another aspect of how women evaluate men.

If you have a specific question about the above just let me know.

PostAndDelete · 2021-04-08T04:38:47+00:00

But I’m especially handsome

FaithInStrangers94 · 2021-04-08T04:46:54+00:00

I agree but a certain degree of physical attractiveness is a prerequisite.

A girl at work told me she would date me if I were (another ethnicity) - since she only dates that ethnicity. It’s weird but not that uncommon.

I’ve met girls who I would have dated but there was no physical attraction toward them whatsoever so they may as well have been a friend.

RedRiki24 · 2021-04-08T06:34:16+00:00

Just my take:

Statement is not always true once the rubber meets the road. At a party or any social gathering, looks always come first (unless you're a somebody ie: "social proof") then that sets course for your interaction. If you're down on the looks department, there's a high chance no one might even give you a chance to hit, even with a wingman to start you off, the level of attractiveness won't be there. We humans, after all, are visual creatures. Looks matter.
While looks matter, it's NOT EVERYTHING. Interaction is where it really get you moving. This is the blood and soul of dating. This is basically everything.

*While you may not be qualified in the looks department, know that someone out there will be attracted to you, somehow and someway. Attraction works differently and is often individualistic (it's really the media and social media) today that dictates what looks good. But in a way, someone will find you attractive.

chriipping · 2021-04-08T06:41:51+00:00

According to psychological research, the biggest factor for two people getting together is actually physical attractiveness. It's unfortunate but true

Amikatey · 2021-04-08T07:13:07+00:00

Most legit post ive seen in 100000 years.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2021-04-07T17:07:20+00:00

The majority of attraction is created via your actions and behaviors within an interaction.

Some people want to be sure that another person likes them before approaching and starting a conversation. This is the wrong mindset to have.

However, if you reverse the order to first interact then attract, you will find that there are new opportunities around every corner. But you must be willing to take the first step forward.

I don't typically "interfere" in the affairs of men, but this is one of the FEW posts on this subreddit that has merit behind it.

I can confirm the quoted info, for a FACT, as a woman that this has worked on.

In my younger years, I would give ugly guys a chance, but ONLY IF they seriously impressed me. Ugly guys who really and truly swept me off my feet and went above and beyond in courting me (read: kissing my ass from cheek to shining cheek and LOVING IT) got me at the end of the day. I even grew to find them attractive.

Strongest_son · 2021-04-07T16:54:52+00:00

The majority of attraction is created via your actions and behaviors within an interaction.

No, the majority of attraction is created based on looks.

taxbeast · 2021-04-07T16:28:53+00:00

Don’t agree. Ever been at a bar or club. You gravitate toward people you’re attracted to.

Deep-Advice7587 · 2021-04-07T19:20:41+00:00

Well, I do agree on this in theory but reality proves otherwise.

oscarony · 2021-04-07T17:26:32+00:00

Cap 🧢

Gold-Community-3826 · 2021-04-08T06:29:27+00:00

So looks doesn't matter??

stefjack1000 · 2021-04-08T06:49:13+00:00

Actually... Even if you are especially good looking or have social proof, you still need to prove your attraction

LakersAreTerrible25 · 2021-04-08T09:27:00+00:00

Shit last nigjt me and a girl I just met hit it off within a few hours of talking. Asked me to link right away and keep complimenting my height, hair and face. She gwaked and I hit after we vibed for a bit. I love when a girl is attracted to me for my physical traits, the intimacy is so much better and no effort is required

Kowashitai · 2021-04-30T11:51:43+00:00

I found a cheat code then, I guess

I look good but nothing spectacular (+ my face is hidden because of the masks anyways), I don't have good social skills either, and I don't think I can be considered popular outside of my class... And I somehow lead a complete stranger to have a crush on me. I tend to wear elegant and original outfits, which make me stand out a bit more, but... Are clothes truly enough to get myself an admirer ?

Then again, I wear skinny pants 95% of the time because my legs are hilariously great, I'm pretty tall for my age (though everyone is a giant in my high school, to the point where I seem tiny despite having the average size of a grown-up man) and I'm a bit muscular... Could it be the reason why I seemingly attract him ?

Itype2readU · 2021-08-07T18:55:07+00:00

Only mostly maybe true from a girl perspective

As a man. I tell you if she looks hot im attracted.

Then the speech quality and personality is just a deal breaker, but it starts viscerally for me.

Will ever wonder about women feels on social status and preselection, fun, games. Values, chemistry...etc. Yeah. Maybe ill never know

beenrichie00 · 2021-04-08T05:53:20+00:00

Honestly here’s the thing.

Take care of yourself, have one or two hobbies, have a job, and try to just genuinely be a good person.

I’m sure someone will pick up on you and ask you out. Or you can talk to them platonically and then see where things go.

Literally not that hard or deep.

Am I wrong?

Also don’t do stuff thinking others will like you more.

You want to brush your teeth in the morning because you want a nice smile, you want to have a hobby because you actually enjoy it, you want to exercise because you like to be healthy, you want to be a good person because you are. You are not obligated to do anything. Just keep yourself moving a little.

Comments