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Ok-Anything-3605 Archive

View 3 posts and 534 comments by Ok-Anything-3605 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
36

Ok-Anything-3605/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 07:56 AM
1

CustodyOk-Anything-3605/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 05:57 PM
1

RantOk-Anything-3605/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 02:50 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
3

Post on your city’s sub Reddit! I’ve met women and men looking for activities like hiking, camping, pickleball, disc golf, etc. I’m with you, this sucks. I miss my kids like you wouldn’t believe when I don’t have them. They were my passion, and nothing else compares but I keep trying. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/26 01:37 PM
3

No accountability is a given. I found that out the hard way
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 01:11 AM
1

Good for you rocking the 100% custody, you’re living my dream. I’d take 100% and give alimony if mine would hit the road. I’m lost without my kids on this stupid 50/50 nonsense
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 03:49 AM
1

Thanks man…it’s not easy, I’m sure it won’t be far down the road. I’m just glad the separation agreement is done though so she can’t take the kids from my address. Once you block out the unknown and treat the separation as divorce, it’s easier.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 03:44 AM
2

This is the reason we’ve agreed to legally separate, for now. It is an internal emotional battle. the cost of insurance is so stupid I’d rather stay separated and use the money for the kids. It’s the one thing she could actually do for the family for once, which is basically nothing so it’s right up her alley. It’ll be years before I even consider making this mistake again
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 03:41 AM
3

if I may ask, why the regret?
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 03:37 AM
3

My wife and I just legally separated. At any time, either of us can file for the next step. Not sure what the future holds.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 12:49 AM
2

I appreciate the insight, one year removed from estrangement, this is a solid summary. Put yourself first!
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 03:37 PM
1

Lack of effort, physical and emotional retreating, reminding you of what you do wrong (everything), passing blame, lack of accountability. It was the hardest thing to endure, I hope you can reverse it in marriage therapy, good luck
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 11:04 AM
6

I feel your pain, similar as mine, and you are right nobody wins. I wrote an email, and sent it to myself. To go back and read if I need a reminder of all the nonsense I endured. Take care
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 10:55 AM
1

I have this same sentiment, and it sucks, your not alone
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 04:03 AM
1

We started with 2-2-3 for a year and it was a lot of back and forth. The 2-2-5-5 is one less exchange and easier to follow in my opinion, we’ve been doing it for a few months now. The 5 days without the kids sucks for me, but it’s not about me and I can keep myself busy
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 02:02 PM
1

We’re high-ish conflict in the fact we have bare minimal communication, three young kids. Keep the custody on a simple schedule for the kids sake, easy to follow. 2-2-5 or 2-2-3, chose every other holiday, each get two weeks a year for vacations, and be done with it. Yes it sucks, nobody wins, but make sure she checks her ego at the door which is what I had to remind her to do. Good luck and I wish you peace
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 12:52 PM
1

Fuck ‘em
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 08:16 PM
0

Yes get an attorney. Of course if you’re young and neither of you don’t have much for assets, a prenup may be a waste though.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/26 02:18 PM
3

I wouldn’t have believed false allegations were so common, until it happened to me.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 08:33 PM
10

Sorry for what you’re going through. Same for me, but 12 years and 3 kids to boot. I just accepted she changed into someone else, and that someone else is a person I wouldn’t piss on if she were on fire. Go full gray rock, it wicks for a while, but you’ll recover. I havnt spoken to or seen her in 9 months, bare minimum contact regarding kids only. Keep busy, find new hobbies, take a vacation or long weekend, enjoy the solitude trying to make one less person happy. It sucks. We got this!
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 04:35 PM
4

I kept it…we have 3 kids and it was cheaper to buy her equity bc it’s a 4 bedroom. Plus she hated everything at the end, the house, the neighbors, the vehicles, the cat, the commute, the washer and dryer, the dirty windows, the dust, the carpet fuzz,, and of course me, …yet I was the problem. I’m the stable one, putting the kids needs over anything. Good luck out there gents, it sucks, I wish you all peace
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/26 07:05 PM
3

Nope. But if the kiddo’s keep any I’m fine with that
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 11:50 PM
9

Thank you, it’s the kids deserved better
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 03:22 PM
20

My wife proved the saying ‘a woman will forgo her family for her happiness while a man will forgo his happiness for his family’. Oh well, I owned my part, but she never did
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 03:02 PM
1

Do you even have the option to? Is she willing? Did you each do your individual soul searching while separated? 4 months isn’t very long to heal.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 11:47 PM
2

Oh that’s wonky, but I could understand especially if it’s a small business. My wife is a federal employee with ideal health insurance, so it is to my selfish advantage (and the kids) that I can ride the insurance and have extra money for the kids sake. It’s written in our separation agreement she’ll always carry the kids, and then myself until the divorce. Plus it’s the one thing she could actually do as a ‘favor’ for me after all the other nonsense she’s put the family through.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 05:11 PM
2

Correct, no penalty to transfer but then no money to buy. This is why I didn’t propose this option myself, I’d rather my wife have the money to use for housing for our kids sake
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 05:01 PM
2

This was a bullet I had no choice but to bite myself, especially since we just paid ours off last year. Even at 5% it makes my stomach ache
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 04:19 PM
1

I refinanced to buy my wife out of her portion after agreeing on an amount. Is that an option for her? That will give you money to buy a place of your own, as it did for my wife. Be weary of the 401k offset, if you need or want that money, you will have to pay penalties and early withdrawals.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 03:16 PM
2

lol, here’s a great example of the way i read and misunderstand even simple things, as did she. Anyway…. There are benefits of remaining separated like family health insurance. With young kids the last thing on my mind is remarrying anyway. If a future potential partner isn’t ok with this arrangement, they’re not for me. You’ve just got to be comfortable with it ‘hanging over your head’ and at any time either of us can file, maybe sooner rather than later. This whole process has been one big min…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 02:19 AM
1

I’m 47M, go for it and see hat happens
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 10:23 PM
1

It takes two to admit faults, be vulnerable, and want to work on things, but it only takes one to walk away. I can’t even answer your questions because I didn’t even get closure.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 04:35 PM
6

I just signed my separation paperwork Tuesday after 6 months of the back and forth. I share your feelings. We have three young kids. No waiting period in NY, either can file next step and can happen in two weeks. I’m torn up inside still for my kids. I hate the addiction disease and ugly unresolved trauma, it’s the root of all evil. I wish you peace my friend
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 02:29 AM
9

I got snipped, I would find this absolutely hilarious if a broad pulled this on me. Maybe I’ll keep it to myself and see what happens next time around. Definitely not getting married again
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 01:24 AM
5

I got into pickball which is fun. Any active group will help (bowling league, running/tennis/basketball, etc…). Take up fishing, hiking, mountain biking, whatever you can do to try new things. That’s what’s helped me
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 03:28 PM
7

It’s time to consult a lawyer and protect yourself and your kids
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 10:50 PM
8

I feel the same way, unfortunately I realized it’s out of my control. Where they’re with her, I have no model what they do and don’t ask. When they’re with me we hang out together, stay emotionally connected, keep busy, etc…to make sure they know I’ll never leave them like she left our family. I hate the idea of sharing my kids, even with another woman on my end. I wish you and all of us peace
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 10:03 PM
6

8 months in for me, she gave up early in our specific marriage therapy program. Nothing I could do. I accepted it and we did mediation to divvy up and custody of our 3 young’ins. It sucks, no way around it. Go ‘gray rock’, keep your peace, and don’t say ‘no’ to any opportunity to go do something. I picked up pickleball as a hobby and to meet people. Therapy can help some people cope. Good luck if you need support sent me a chat
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 10:57 PM
3

Make a list of red flags and what you’re willing to tolerate from a comparability perspective, nobody’s perfect. And don’t forget to ask if there’s unhealed childhood trauma, that’s what got me
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 08:01 PM
1

I felt the same way, I had to ‘gray rock’ and parallel parent for my peace. Maybe one day it will me different, but it’s only been 8 months
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 01:21 PM
2

I feel your pain. I’m fortunate enough, even with three school aged kids I haven’t seen her in 8 months. We rotate the kids around the school bus and babysitter. Absolute minimal texting only due to kids health. It’s been magical. I hope I don’t recognize her if we cross paths, she’s certainly not the woman I married anymore anyway. Stay strong, I wish you peace
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 10:37 PM
3

I’m pro-parallel parent also, good for you. Im not here to appease her anymore and I do what I want with our three kids, much like I did the lions share during the marriage. She’s the one that has to learn to be a parent without me. Kids come first, always, including protecting my mental health.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 07:12 PM
2

It sure is….im 12 months out of separation and still can’t get in a routine. It’s summertime though finally and keeps me sane enjoying outdoor stuff (concert last night!) with our young kids.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 05:54 PM
6

You can go on without her. My wife left after 12 years and the three most beautiful kids ever…because nothing was good enough anymore. It’s been 8 months for me and I finally accepted it. Easier said than done, but go full ‘gray rock’ and keep active, try new things, do everything she held you back from. Give yourself grace and be patient, there’s no hurry, it’s not a race or competition. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/26 12:02 AM
2

Same for me, signing separation paperwork within two weeks. I’ve been texting a woman and the banter is great but hesitant to meet up, taking it slow. And of course custody schedule challenges
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 01:06 PM
1

100% gray rock for your own mental health. It sucks good luck. Venting on this sub helped me. Send me a chat anytime to vent if it helps
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 08:11 PM
2

Ooof….we had a good marriage at vasectomy time because it was right after Covid nonsense. I thought it would be appreciated but wasn’t. I love my kids, but if I was fortunate to meet a younger woman I would consider another under wayyyyy more compatibility tests though!
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 03:06 PM
2

If he, as a man no longer wants children, it’s the right thing to do. I did it 5 years ago after our third kid was a ‘oops’. We were 40 so increased risk for her. However, now that I’m 46 and signing paperwork for separation because of her, I am feeling sad. What if I met a younger woman? This shit is awful
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 01:49 PM
1

I feel your pain, from NY. I make $7k more a year than my wife and the state calculator has me paying $2.5k/month for 3 kids with 50/50. It’s antiquated and unfair in my case
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 10:55 AM
2

Same…:it’s awful. It does get better over time. I wish you peace
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 10:47 PM
2

What’s your schedule now? We’re on the 2-2-5-5 with 12,8,& 7 years old kids. We did the 2-2-3-3 for a year when my wife first moved out.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 07:35 PM
2

Please no. It does take time and it’s awful. I’m 8 months from when she asked for it, the first 6 were the worst. Keep busy. Call a hotline or even a warmline, that’s what they’re for. Good luck, we got this
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 01:10 AM
1

You are not alone! I’ve got 12,8& 7 year olds and they are all I care about now. We’re still in the legal separation process 8 months later and it is exhausting, but I’m finally over it all. I made a post on my city’s subreddit looking for a support group, it didn’t pan out except for one guy contacted me and we meet up once a month or so to commiserate. Other than that, do stuff she held you back from…I joined a pickleball group, took an improv class, go out to trivia nights with friends and to…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 02:46 PM
3

Mine was the low libido, lack of even touch for intimacy. Avoidant was an understatement, once I brought up the real issues we needed to discuss in marriage therapy, instead of acceptance and vulnerability, it was game over for the marriage therapy
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 01:38 AM
5

I hope so. I share three young kids with their mother and have seen her in 8 months, only spoke to her on the phone with the attorney, and only txt for kid illness and school. Otherwise no interest in her
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 01:22 AM
3

Is it really all of them? It seems so common here, including my situation
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 01:17 AM
8

Very accurate breakdown from my experience also. The saying I learned on this subreddit is ‘a woman will forgo her family for happiness, and a man will for forgo happiness for family’ which was my case. Of course it was too late like you noted because she checked out before we could even try to right the sinking ship
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 05:58 PM
3

Similar story for me, 3 kids under 12. I just let her go and gave her what she asked for and in the legal separation phase still, after 8 months. Haven’t seen her since, it’s drop and go for the kid exchanges. I miss the family unit but you can’t control other people’s decisions. I never even got closure. I wish you peace.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 01:38 PM
3

Yes we tried marriage therapy, we needed it, however it was too late. She used it as a ‘soft landing’ in my opinion. I regret it bc I was the sucker, got very open and vulnerable two months in to a six month program, then when it was my turn to bring up my issues with her, she bailed. She got what she wanted and I got left without closure. Classy!
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 05:11 PM
4

Joint mediation with an attorney to review it in your individual best interest
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 03:06 PM
1

We’re doing mediation, it’s slower than I expected (in NY). If you’re in a hurry it sounds like you need to push the mediator or hire an attorney. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 12:07 PM
8

3 young kids for us, their mother broke the family and 8 months later the kids have adjusted and have been resilient, thank god. It still sucks though
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/26 09:32 PM
2

I’ll head on over to the divorced women sub Reddit and get ready for my castration
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/26 09:25 PM
1

Line refused to accept perimenopause and sure blamed me for everything, even stuff from before we met. Go figure
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/26 12:48 PM
5

It’s all true, gym,hobby, do shit you couldn’t do before because the ball and chain held you back. I started playing pickleball it’s a good way to meet people in general
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/26 12:26 AM
1

I’m in NY and CS is total robbery. We’re 50/50, I make $7k more per year yet the state calculator has me paying $2500/month for 3 kids. I’d save money of if I took a pay cut. She’s waiving CS in our separation agreement because she even realizes it’s a scam. I couldn’t give the kids what they deserve when I have them if I had to pay that much. It’ll be up to the judge to accept it now. See if you can talk some reasoning into her
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 02:58 PM
3

Stay strong! We’ve got your back!
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 03:02 AM
2

Same my friend. My priority was family, stability, careers, safety, kids, future, big picture stuff but she said I was too good of a father and made her feel like an inadequate mother, and that she should be the priority. The selfishness was unreal
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 11:19 PM
2

I can’t imagine going through anything worse than this. I’ll come out on top one way or another and keep being the better parent
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 07:50 PM
4

You’re a fellow man of integrity, I kept it for the kids elementary school and stability too, for their sake. Will be refinancing $130k to make her go away.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 06:02 PM
10

I did. It was my house before I met her and put her on the deed while we raised three kids, you know as the ‘life-long’ commitment we made. Plus the kids use the address for elementary school instead of bouncing all over like she does now. Again, you know, the stability I planned for the family.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 05:50 PM
4

Sorry to hear! I refused to meet in person even with our joint attorney, so I call in by phone and will only speak directly to our attorney and do not engage with her directly. It got to her last time and it was clear she wanted to ‘have her cake and eat it too’. I set the boundary from the start and sure as shit I’m sticking to it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 12:12 AM
2

Yes sir! I even sacrificed my career for hers and held the fort down, still worked full time, encouraged her to keep getting promotions, yet being a mother, wife, career service member still wasn’t good enough. So guess who got the shaft? This guy!!
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 11:59 PM
6

Congrats! Same for me it was the only solution for my mental health
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 11:54 PM
10

I never understood ‘the person you divorce isn’t the person you married’ until it happened to me. Mean, selfish, apathetic, emotionless, cowardly, etc… so I understand how you feel
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 12:31 AM
5

Live your life by your own rules now. YOU ARE YOUR OWN PRIORITY NOW. Trust me, it feels good to say ‘too bad’ or ‘no’ or just whatever. Take the power back. That’s what I had to do
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 05:31 PM
1

I feel this. Was the same for me and I never understood the phrase ‘the person you marry isn’t the person you divorce’ until it happened
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 08:03 PM
7

Happened to me…I got no physical attention and was then labeled as a sex addict because I like touch and affection. Then magically I was emotionally unsafe for her. I hope the resentment hasn’t built up too much yet, because that’s the dagger in the heart. Good luck, it’s sucked for me and our kids
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 04:30 PM
12

You’ve unlocked my worst nightmare I’ve had from day one. I wish you peace my friend. Your their only true father
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 02:26 PM
1

Your first paragraph is what’s eating me alive with this. What do you think the biggest issues were solely due to the divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/26 08:32 AM
1

Nope, 50/50. I made a post about it months ago. Someone from NY explained it as the CS calculator being antiquated. She’s waiving it but it’ll be hanging over my head bc the judge can make the final decision.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 10:03 AM
4

It’s never good enough. This is what they do to us
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 09:59 AM
1

I hope your not in NY. I make $7k more per year than my wife, 50/50, yet the state CS calculator has me paying $2400 a month, 3 kids. Insanity
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 07:09 PM
2

It definitely takes time, give yourself grace for a learning curve. It was kind of easy for me because I ran the household, including taking care of the kids while she lived in fantasy land anyway. I always put the kids first and she got jealous of our own kids, and now we’re a broken home. Ask for help too (not from her). You got this!
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 11:30 AM
4

I share your sadness, my day will be coming soon after 12 years. Take care of yourself now. I wish you peace
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 11:14 AM
4

I have 3 kids (12,8,7) you just have to focus and prioritize. Wife moved out one year ago. Now i can parent without any interference since i always put the kids first anyway. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 09:32 AM
9

Deeps breaths my friend…go for a walk. It sucks, I’m 8 months out and was really angry but now I’m just angry when I see my beautiful kids on the 50/50 schedule and think to myself ‘how could someone leave these kids like this?’ Try therapy, try anxiety medication, keep venting on this sub ornaments me a DM if you need to vent more. Good luck, it gets better but it’s the hardest thing to endure
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 01:22 AM
3

Discernment was a joke for us and will haunt me forever with the words ‘don’t think about your kids’. Where do they find these ‘professionals’?
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 09:36 PM
5

Resentment go her in my case too, that and unresolved childhood trauma. Give yourself some grace and time to grieve if it gets to that point. I was in your shoes 8 months ago and I’m finally let go. 3 kids and myself is my focus. Send me a chat anytime if you want to vent. I wish you peace
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 09:02 PM
1

Never married and no kids, there’s a reason for that. Or they’re unicorns. I have this hope but it’s dwindling
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 12:03 PM
2

NY is beyond antiquated with their calculation too…..I would be forced to feed my kids beans and rice if she wanted to really fuck me over
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 12:01 PM
5

My condolences friend. Same thing for me at 46, married 12, even our 3 kids had no bearing on her decision to leave. Take care of yourself first and foremost
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 11:47 AM
2

I got on a low dose anxiety medication…it’s either helped or I’m finally over the hump. Therapy can teach you coping skills also
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 12:34 AM
2

Not to mention I’ve been 8 months in the legal separation process and still no final draft because she keeps changing shit around. Attorney takes a month to make one line revisions. What a painful experience for me
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 11:50 PM
12

I learned the hard way when I made a post about not being ready to date during the separation process on the dating over 40 subreddit and got absolutely annihilated for even mentioning dating. Holy bitterness Batman!
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 11:40 PM
3

I’m in my mid 40’s and meeting people thru activities. I sigh up for pickleball, go solo to concerts, shows, dinners, etc to meet people
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 10:03 PM
3

She stopped putting in any effort and distanced herself from even family activity. But don’t worry, somehow it was still all your fault
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 11:30 AM
6

Real! I put her career first for 15 years. On our last call I said ‘I’m not your yes man anymore. Now I have to put my own career first and I won’t always be available’. And now I ask my family if I need help with the kids schedule and she said ‘but I WANT you to ask me!’. I said too bad. It was glorious.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 10:45 PM
13

It was the same for me, exept I absolutely set the boundary of we will not be friends or plan anything together as a ‘family’. 6 months into the separation and I haven’t seen her, only spoke three times on the phone with the mediator together. And we have three kids. Exchanges happen around the school schedule or simple drop offs at each others house, ZERO interaction minus text messages for kids health stuff. It’s been great but still sucks bc I didn’t want this. You got this!
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 10:08 PM
2

My wife put her childhood trauma on me. I wish she (and I) dealt with it sooner. Good for you, good luck
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 01:53 AM
5

Find your new passion to replace the passion you had as a husband. That’s all I have to offer. It’s sucks and it’s a challenge, but we got this. I wish you peace on your new journey
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 11:12 PM
2

I’m with you my friend. One thing I’ve done is disconnected when it’s not my parenting time. It sucks, it’s awful, and the last thing I wanted to do was not think of them when I don’t have them but it’s helped me the most. I also talked to my dr. and started a low dose anxiety medication. I lost 50% of my three young kids because she gave up on the marriage, but I took my own power back. I wish you peace!
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 07:32 AM
9

You are correct. I shut her out 6 months ago, no contact except for urgent kid stuff. Anyone that can crash out and put their own needs over those of our own three young children doesn’t deserve me and what I did for our family unit. It took all that 6 months of therapy, gym, social outings, sitting with the grief and pain, crying tears, etc… but I’m ready to finally accept it. I never thought it would get better, but it’s finally here. Give yourselves grace gents, take the high road the view is…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 08:53 PM
3

I’m 6 months in…and I thought it wasn’t going to get better. But like others here say, it does and will get better. We have 3 young kids and I’d rather have them all the time because I was the more involved parent. Keep busy, this sub has been one of the biggest forms of relief to vent and get good advice. Good luck, I wish you peace
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 10:31 PM
4

Living apart in separation process now. F-no. I took our kids shopping together for a small gift item of their choice. I offered no input, just the ride around town and the money. I love being with my kids with zero pressure or walking on eggshells to try and impress her nowadays!
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 06:32 PM
1

I’m 47 with three younger kids, just jumping in to say you’re not alone. It sucks, it’s a lot of work, but we got this. Treat yourself whenever you can
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 04:36 PM
5

I’m in NY…my salary is $7k more than hers and the child support calculation has me paying $2600 a month for three kids. It makes ZERO sense
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 12:31 AM
5

‘Take your power back’ is 100% a must. My power was cutting her out 99% of my life, the 1% being text only and for the kids health and education. Then keep busy. Don’t be afraid to get a health check up, I started anxiety meds which helps
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 02:29 AM
2

You’re not the only one with the anger and bitterness my friend. It’s real and it’s tough to get over. I’m 6 months in from her asking for the divorce. only seeing my kids 50% is a burning inferno inside of me. Only time seems to help me
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 02:21 AM
3

Same for me, this hits closer to me than you know. Well stated.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 11:34 AM
3

Cut all communication except for child related. It’s sucks for a few months but better in the long run. I haven’t seen my wife in 6 months, only spoke twice over the phone with mediator. And we have three young kids 50/50. I’m finally over the hump. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 10:05 PM
2

Says the scorned woman
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 01:43 AM
2

I’ve been in your shoes, it’s awful until you realize she gave up. Then it gets more awful. I wish you guys the best of luck, I wish it didn’t happen to me
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 11:59 PM
1

I get it, why would they want to put effort into their own marriage. I had a dead bedroom too and it was downhill from there
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 11:39 PM
2

Parts touched?? Sounds like something I’d ask my kids if someone did that to them. Gross. That’s the wrong phrasing for dirty talk but about as much effort i got from mine too.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 10:39 PM
1

Hey man you are not alone, we’re in the trenches with you
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 08:12 PM
2

I’m was in this position when we were doing marriage therapy trying to save the marriage. Fix car door, set and remove bee traps, just small stuff. Either way I fell for it more for the safety of the kids and I was optimistic she’d wouldn’t go full crazy….well I was wrong. Good luck either way
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 05:53 PM
6

Same for me, and we have three kids she chose to impact instead of working on the marriage. Remember the cliché, the women you divorce is not the woman you married. Best to you and all the others like us
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 01:56 PM
1

Welcome to the club you or I didn’t expect to be in. Take care of the kids if you have any. Take care of yourself too. Therapy, divorce support group, friends, relatives, take up a new hobby and treat yourself! It sucks, it’s a roller coaster of emotion. Talk to your Dr., get your health in-line, set some goals. You got this!
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 05:48 PM
1

This all relates to me also, same scenario. My urologist wouldn’t prescribe me testosterone, but these local ‘sports clinics’ run by physicians assistant gladly will so find one and get tested there. I’m on an ssri also after 6 months of suffering and I wish I did it sooner. It’s only been a month of ssri and something has changed, upped my does to see. Maybe it’s the med, or maybe I hit rock bottom finally
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 06:32 PM
8

It’s always our fault because woman don’t seem to hold accountability for themselves. Even her childhood trauma from 20 years before I met her was my fault. Good on you for being different!
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 07:22 PM
2

Romanticizing it by being proud of it, being ‘free’ to not be a wife& only a 50% mother, telling me that we’ll still go on family vacations together, do joint family activities, etc..
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 04:46 PM
2

I got the same avoidant and childhood trauma issues that was the straw that broke the camels back for her in marriage therapy
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 02:57 PM
1

We probably all have a different variation of it, but it certainly prevents conflict. Maybe I’ll be in a better place one day, but she was romanticizing the divorce instead of fixing the marriage. Hard boundary for me not to play those games
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 02:55 PM
5

1,4,definitely 6,7,definitely 8 (mid life/perimenopause. 3 she never was, even now
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 03:52 AM
6

F-that block him and the MIL. The court can assign a parenting app to keep them out of it. I wish you and your children peace
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 02:29 AM
3

Grey rock is a term for minimal interaction. If interaction is necessary, keep it short and to the point.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 12:22 PM
7

Hey man good for you! It’s a struggle every day is different. I haven’t seen my ‘wife’ in 5 months since she dropped the bomb and only spoken twice via phone with our mediator. And we share 3 young kids. Minimal texts, only around sick kids/schedule. Grey rock, as suggested in this subreddit, has been the best method of healing for me. Keep up the good work, we got this!
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 12:01 PM
2

Sorry to hear, I’m a military spouse also but have my own career because she’s stationed in our home city. I prioritized her career, whenever she had to travel for training or school for months on end I encouraged her to, we were in this together to get her to retirement. Then in therapy she said ‘you don’t appreciate my career’…. I was floored!! 3 kids and she got to focus on her career while I worked and raised them. They are the best kids too. If shit hits the fan you take everything you can …
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 11:29 AM
3

Thanks, back at you. It’s sucks for everyone, but I’m trying to make it suck less for them
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 12:49 AM
3

I’m with you, my 3 are 12/8/7 and I haven’t spoken to their mother in 6 months yet we have 50/50 custody because she lacks common courtesy through this awful process. I’ll let them pick out some things and a card, that’s all the energy I have for her. It’s for the kids
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 09:44 PM
1

Hey man you’re not alone…my final day is coming in a few months. I expect the same feelings then because I feel them now. Take care of yourself
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 11:44 PM
2

Best advice yet
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 12:50 AM
12

Joining in to remind myself what a nightmare it will be with my 3 young kids. I can’t wait to spoil them even more! No time for dating
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 12:39 AM
3

Set some goals! With the kids for summer itll be amusement parks, water parks, festivals, camping, etc.. without itll be fishing, biking, socializing, gym, etc.. it sucks, 6 months for me and still working on the legal paperwork. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone who didn’t want it
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 12:37 AM
6

I was on the same side as you, and there was nothing I could do. Marriage therapy failed, bids for connection failed, talking failed, providing space failed. It sucks for everyone, one way or another. If they check out, they check out. I’m heartbroken for me and my kids, and my wife bc it was her childhood trauma that resurfaced that was a powerful force. I wish you well, take care of yourself first now
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 05:49 PM
4

Thanks, It was tough. I joined an online divorce group to try (not optimistic because it’s church based and that’s not my thing, but I’m willing to try anything to help). Even went to my dr. and got anxiety meds. It’s been the hardest thing, but I am fortunate to have the most incredible kids. slowly healing. F-her for walking away from a simple, secure life and stable future
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 12:50 AM
4

Hit me in the chat if needed! My 3 kids were gone all last week with their mother, first time I’ve been without them for more than 2 nights. We have to survive for them.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 12:15 AM
1

I hope you are in a good place, that must’ve been awful. I feel my divorce stole me as the father I wanted to be and it’s been a tough road to navigate since. One day I hope to get that proud father feeling back, sooner rather than later.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 10:28 PM
1

Warm weather is coming for me. No more staring out the window on the couch, I’ll be able to enjoy my deck and grill soon!
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 03:35 PM
3

Same…her childhood trauma was my fault too! Accountability or vulnerability wasn’t an option on her end
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 12:49 AM
3

I had a bit of the opposite…I was the terrible husband trying to save for retirement, vacations, and the 3 kids colleges and future, and not spending enough on her fancy jewelry or weekend get-aways.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 12:46 AM
9

The non-dating resonates with me too. It’s like I’m supposed to work full time, take care of the kids, household, finances, family,etc… AND make dating a priority. It’s almost if I had a wife to help out I’d have time to plan dates. hmmmmm
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/26 12:18 AM
7

Fun post, I like it! Not hanging my coat up and leaving it on a chair or bench in the entry way. Treating our kids better than her (wild to me). Grocery shopping and not putting all the groceries away too (because I’m supposed to do it all without her help I guess?) And breathing of course…at the end it was just every little thing and nothing was good enough. Sad end to a beautiful family.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 09:28 PM
2

Same for me. The hardest thing I had to do was go ‘no contact’ except for the kids. It’s just an awful journey bc I didn’t want it either but she gave up. It’s a roller coaster, I have bad days and worse days, that’s it. I miss my kids, I miss the family we created together. Good luck, send me a message anytime if you need to vent
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 02:16 AM
6

Does she at least offer to pay? I’m old school too but the shift in dynamics are here
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 10:24 PM
1

I’m in therapy also, I even ventured to see my Dr. for anxiety meds, bc all I do is worry about my kids’ futures now. I struggle to get into a routine again, their presence was my motivation. a piece of me is surely gone and a void that may never be filled. Good luck my friend
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 11:14 PM
5

A lot of this resonates with me, I feel your pain. Take care of yourself the best way you can. It’s been a slow healing process for me, and I hate every minute of it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 01:06 AM
1

Same for me. And we have 3 young kids that took all of our free time and I wanted a better life for, but here we are. I’ll never understand how this route is easier/better, but it’s out of my hands and I’m heartbroken
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 12:14 AM
11

The obligatory ‘I’m not happy’, ‘I don’t know who I am’ is the most I got out of her.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 01:13 PM
3

It’s a roller coaster. I wish the same, having the family back. I’m 6 months in and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Trying to heed the typical advice, gym, keep busy, go out, try new things, find a passion. My kids were my passion. I’ve got a long road ahead. I wish you peace and healing on your journey
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 01:06 AM
2

I’m in mediation now, not my choice to be here either but it’s the cleaner/easier/cheaper option. It’s is not a fast process, between you both gathering documents, initial meetings, attorney schedule, and drafting a ‘draft’ of the separation agreement, it can be months. Hire an independent attorney to review the draft on your behalf. Nobody can fault you for wanting to take your time. Good luck, it sucks regardless, stick up for yourself and ask for what you want
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 05:16 PM
8

I am angry and bitter myself. Grey rock is the only way to get me through it. I’ve had to learn how to detach from my own kids in the meantime. It’s been an awful experience. I wish you peace
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 06:26 AM
1

Same for me, I haven’t seen my wife-on-paper since October and have no desire to. We stick to a tight schedule for shuffling our three kids so no reason to interact except sick days, via text. They all lose, and she just didn’t care about any of the impact to the kids
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 08:43 PM
2

It happens, I guess it’s refreshing to see a woman being emotional too since most of the wives appear to lack empathy towards their husbands and family, like mine
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 01:56 PM
1

How old is your daughter? Any major hurdles she’s had to cope with? Asking bc this is new to me and I have 3 kids. I’m trying to project the future
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 01:52 PM
3

‘Graduating class’….my friend that made me chuckle, thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/26 11:31 PM
1

I’m with you, pro marriage. A little space and clarity goes a long way sometimes
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 11:53 PM
3

The buddy thing is the hardest part. I miss my kids the most. tough to get in a new routine
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 11:46 PM
7

Mid life 40’s crisis is real for women, that’s most of what happened to me. She shrugged off perimenopause bc I brought it up…anything I mentioned was immediately shot down.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 02:34 PM
1

Sorry to hear, I’m in the same boat although you’ve been at it longer. The kids are resilient but I can tell with my sense it’s scarring them. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 02:13 AM
1

The truth shall set you free
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 02:11 AM
4

Keep positive, I know it’s easier said then done. This sucks for everyone, we all lose here especially the kids. I can’t be a full time dad now and my hopes and dreams for them are crushed. Stock up for yourself in mediation and don’t back down, we’re in that phase now also. I wish you well on your journey
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 02:09 AM
2

Two years, that’s tough to hear. I’ve got three (12,9,7) and only 5 months in the separation process and all I do is worry about them. It’s been nothing but heartache but they’ve been resilient!
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 01:20 AM
4

Truth, as I learned the hard way too
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 06:17 PM
3

You’re not alone. My wife told me ‘you don’t appreciate my career’ (military) while I had my own career and she deployed, months away for promotion/training every year, all while I encouraged her to do so for ‘us and the family’ for the long term, and I held down the home front with our three kids. All to have the right pulled out from me. We were on the path to easy street
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 05:29 PM
2

Sorry to hear this, similar thing for me. We tried a 6 month marriage therapy program but she quit after 3 months. I never got closer so had to write my own narrative. It sucks, it’s a roller coaster. I’m around 5 months and still trying to keep it together for our 3 kids. Good luck and stay strong for yourself and your daughter
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 07:44 PM
2

Congrats! Be cautious of marriage therapy, don’t dwell on the petty stuff because that’s what will happen. Break the marriage down to the core positives, why you dated, why you married, why you had kids, and build it back from the foundation. look toward the future, not the past. set boundaries and expectations, date nights, and regular emotional check-ins with each other, and take your time. the above advice is what I tell myself I would have done if I got a do-over from my failed marriage ther…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 01:33 AM
1

It’s still 5 months fresh for me, I feel it’ll be a while too. Your last sentence is the same way I feel. Take care of yourself, I hope you find peace soon
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 11:00 PM
1

I stayed in the house…told her to take whatever she wanted, what was left was mine to dispose of or keep. I knew she wouldn’t take much because nothing was good enough for her anymore and too lazy to move it, I even offered to split movers cost. We then agreed to $5k from joint saving so she could buy the kids bedroom furniture or whatever. Good with me! Can’t wait to spring clean the junk she left behind to cleanse my soul!
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 09:20 PM
3

I’ll let the kids pick out something for her, but absolutely nothing from me. Apparently that was one of the many stupid reasons she wanted out…expectations of gifts.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 06:32 PM
1

Once was enough
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 12:29 PM
12

Congrats! Remember her nor her attorney have any feelings….they are a cold heartless team. Keep the good fight going!
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 03:38 AM
4

I’m going through the same thing. The silliest things would trigger her (like coats not being hung up, dust & dirt on the floor, laundry not done her way) and the resentment built from there. All while raising three kids and two careers, it was too much for her. It sucks but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. ‘We’ tried to save it with marriage therapy, looking back she used it just for an attempt at a soft landing bc she didn’t want to talk about her own issue. Now she’s on meds, now…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 01:52 AM
1

I’m ready to talk to my GP about depression and anxiety meds. How does lexapro make u feel? Any side affects?
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 12:11 AM
2

I enjoyed reading your words, thank you. I’m slowing getting myself worth back but it’s hard. Detaching from the kids when they’re not with me is the hardest
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 12:09 AM
1

Congrats!
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 12:05 AM
2

Rant away, same for me. I fought this battle with myself because this phrase makes me sick. I found the phrase ‘parallel parent’, google it. I was practicing it before I knew what it even was during trial separation. Sounds like you feel the same way. I’ll do what I want as a real parent who didn’t bail on the family, no input necessary! My rant over
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 08:36 PM
7

Second this!
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 08:01 PM
5

Sadly, I can attest to this. Even though she didn’t heal her past trauma, was an alcoholic like her father, told me it was all my fault for prioritizing her instead of our THREE awesome kids, me proving her social worker wrong, our marriage therapist trying to get her to see faults, her depression medication, her not admitting to perimenopause. Somehow it was all me bc I didn’t hang up my coat or put my shoes away or disagree with her enough. Go figure
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 05:33 PM
6

Sorry to hear, it’s a terrible place to be in especially if you tried to save the marriage like I did. I got the same ‘I’m not happy, people change nonsense etc… we were married 12 years and have three (11,8,7) kids. she was only concerned with herself and didn’t care about the impact on the kids. I’m so sad for them and their future. I see that they are resilient but don’t want this, and know it’s out of their hands. Good luck, this is a great sub to be and I vent frequently. You are not alone,…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 02:39 AM
2

It’s an emotional roller coaster for sure. Good luck on your decision and your journey forward. This subreddit is helping me heal, slowly but surely.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 01:47 AM
2

Good luck. the very first thing I did was put a hard stop to any idea of her interfering with my time. She was barely an active mother when we were together so sure at shit I wasn’t going to let her pretend to be concerned now. It’s the only way I can heal, ‘grey rock’ is the term I learned on this sub Reddit!
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:56 AM
6

Set boundaries, tell her to organize her thoughts and send one text a day (at most!) as it disrupts your parenting time. Detaching from my kids has been the toughest part for me because I was the one that did most of the stuff she’s mentioning, but she’s just to let go, unless it’s urgent. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 09:20 PM
5

What a great post. Some of this resonates with me, 12 years 3 kids, her ‘break free’ moment. We’re still in the legal separating phase, and when the mediator asked what the plan was after filing the separation agreement you could hear a pin drop. selfishly I’d love to remain separated for legal benefits because I’ll never remarry. However I don’t know if I could ever have it hanging over my head that at any time I could be served, it would open up far too many emotional wounds. So I’m here to fo…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 12:47 AM
2

Right? Yeah don’t forget to invite my alcoholic father and make sure he brings his meth head girlfriend so she can meet the kids! WTF!!??
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 11:56 PM
2

Similar for me, I can’t control who comes around the kids when they’re not with me and it’s scary. And instead of blaming them for her childhood trauma, guess who took the brunt of it, me. They all turned a blind eye and never got her help. And my wife got triggered and now separation under way. Who knew 30 years later this evil would resurface
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 11:05 PM
8

Understandable emotional reaction, but don’t play her game. Go no-contact except for kid related things.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 08:34 PM
2

Like me, you tried, and it’s unfortunate. My passion was the family unit and now it’s a struggle being only 50% in my kids lives. It’s tough to put myself first and try to find that same passion for myself, I have no choice but to try. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:21 PM
2

Keep busy, try new things. If you don’t have kids, move, travel, etc… there is an online divorcecare.com, I haven’t tried it yet bc none of the times work for me. Stay strong, absolute minimal communication related to the divorce only. I wish you well
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 01:28 AM
2

You describe the typical ‘talk therapy’. I tried, it wasn’t for me. I’m working with a hypnotherapist now and he’s more into teaching coping skills. therapy helps, but divorce is more than just that, there needs to be a few different avenues to help you heal. It’s awful and no quick and easy solution. Good luck,I wish you well
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 01:07 AM
1

A mediator helps with custody, holidays, child support, asset division, etc… if you can’t agree they’ll steer you down the correct or typical path and try to reach an agreement (trade this for that). If it’s all amicable, good for you. But don’t forget to protect the future
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 09:10 PM
3

If it’s amiable, consider using a joint mediator so you don’t get tripod up in the legal nonsense. My wife gave up on the marriage and I don’t want to waste time fighting and that’s what the mediator is doing. So far so good. If shit hits the fan im ready to fight for my kids though
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 07:40 PM
9

It’s a roller coaster. Do focus on yourself and your girls. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 06:00 PM
3

I asked mine if she wanted to quit drinking in marriage therapy, ‘I don’t know’ was her response. Absolutely unhinged accusations from her too…jealous of our own kids, I was a sex addict because I like physical touch, I didn’t appreciate her career yet every time she had to go away for months I supported it and held down the home front with three kids and my own career. It is a slow painful death for me too. One day it’ll get better. Vent away on this sub or in DM, it’s what I do. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 06:33 AM
5

Congrats, keep the momentum going. I’m 5 months in and struggling. I’ve had a few ‘wins’ in meditation where our mediator had to remind her of a few things (like telling her NO or TOO BAD without actually saying it). Those little moments feel good.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 03:52 AM
11

Congrats to the men staying away from it. I asked my stbxw in marriage therapy if she wanted to quit drinking. The answer? ‘I don’t know’. what a sucker I was. I lost to a disease, I lost to her childhood trauma, I lost to her depression, I lost 50% of my kids. And my goal is to be the 100% best dad I can be because I know she can’t pull her own weight.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 03:47 AM
1

My wife’s choice to divorce also. we have a female mediator and has been very neutral. As that’s their job. No sense fighting (unless you can’t agree on values, alimony, child support, custody, etc…). We’ll have individual attorneys for an independent review of the mediator, which isn’t required but recommended. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 05:31 PM
1

I feel the same way. It hurts. Therapy is slow. I see my kids and get sad bc they deserved better. I’m only in the separation process but it’s a slow and painful process. I hope things turn around for you. I feel I’m getting close to rock bottom and then hope to bounce back
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 01:33 PM
2

Thank you, I would not wish this on anyone. i hope things turn out as best as possible for you and your kids if & when it’s your time
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 01:17 AM
4

I’m reeling over the long term impact to our three young kids, but she can’t see it because all she cares about is herself. It’s awful to have to detach from your own kids and lose the brighter future they had going for them.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 09:36 PM
3

I thought I got a kick in the nuts when my wife made false accusations, but you sir endured something far more sinister.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 07:25 PM
6

Rumination all day, the constant unintended reminders (seeing families out together, anyone referencing the ‘wife’ or ‘family’ words, empty house, empty bed, etc..) therapy helps but it is slow healing for me
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 04:30 PM
3

Depression got my wife too, it’s ugly. Separation under way.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 03:47 PM
2

Congrats you found a unicorn! I’m 47 with three kids and the thought of meeting someone else isn’t even in my radar because they’ll have kids and baggage, like me. I’m only 5 months in though and still looking for peace
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 03:36 AM
1

I’m 5 months past the bomb being dropped. I’m bitter and angry still, I fear for our 3 kids’ future. Set hard boundaries, take the power back. I put her career first, now I say no. No schedule changes to accommodate your career or personal schedule. The kids always come first and I chose what that looks like now
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 02:49 AM
1

This hit hard for me, couldn’t agree more
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 02:44 AM
3

Same for me but three kids. Wife was ‘depressed’ and started med and that made it worse, when went full bananas. wouldn’t give meds time, therapy time, or heaven forbid mention perimenopause. Hang in there, it’s a roller coaster. It’s been since October for me with no peace in sight.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 12:05 AM
6

Me too
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 12:02 AM
3

Very cliché
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 03:35 PM
3

I’m pro-marriage and trying every resource to do so. Anythings better than the useless marriage therapists we had
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 02:19 AM
7

I hit the gym for my release, but I crave touch here and there. Take care of yourself, in whatever way you’re comfortable!
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 01:45 AM
3

Keep going! I had to ramp up my own therapy I recognized I was getting worse. Self awareness is key. Lonely weekends are a good time to rest and reflect
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 03:14 AM
1

Me too, but I kept it because the kids will absolutely still use it for elementary school address. She will have to accommodate them on her days. In 3 years I can re-evaluate for a fresh start. I can’t wait until spring cleaning to take my house back.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 05:25 PM
1

Don’t be embarrassed my friend, I feel the same way. I’m moving forward with trauma therapy myself
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 03:21 AM
2

Curious how long has it been for you? It’s still in the legal separation phase for me and I have no desire to even think about moving past this all
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 01:57 AM
3

I feel your pain. I told my friends how embarrassing this was and they absolutely reassured me not to feel that way which was helpful, especially if you did what you could and wasn’t ‘all’ your fault. Kids don’t like it but have been incredibly resilient. if you can’t talk to family, get therapy (do it anyway). Keep busy, be selfish, take care of yourself . It’s a rollercoaster
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 12:42 AM
3

It’s a must book, I’ve gone back and re-read it. For me it was just learning to say no, it’s sucks at first. Someone needs help? I’m busy and can’t drop my own stuff for you. Plan a weekend away, by yourself. Slowly start to put yourself first. Buy some new shoes, boots, jeans, etc….spoil yourself. Don’t be afraid to make a shift….try for a new job, relocate, get a new place. It’s all easier said than done but that’s where I’m at, 5 months after she bailed on the marriage. And don’t worry about …
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 02:59 PM
1

Good on you for doing therapy. I’ve been through a few and it’s been more of ‘talk therapy’ just to help process it all and provide insight like reminding myself ‘I’ll be ok, and the kids will be ok’ kind of stuff. I didn’t have any specific goals, until I realized I’m not getting better. I’ve since switched it up to psychotherapy which will lead to EMDR after we get to a point of comfort and understanding. Good to hear your doing better, it’s a wild ride
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 07:39 PM
5

What was the smoking gun? I’m 5 months in. I had my kids all last week on vacation by myself and it was nice not having to tip toe around her. I’m still waiting for that magic moment
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 06:02 PM
1

Sure feel to send to the chat or post here
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 04:28 PM
1

I do the reverse move….I reassure the kids I love their mother and she’s beautiful. deep down inside it couldn’t be further from the truth
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:58 AM
1

What do you have in your agreement? We’re going through it now. It’ll be something like one week every summer with first priority altering every year. So if it’s your year you get priority dates and it’s more of you telling her, not asking. but definitely reach out for an acknowledgment
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 05:25 PM
2

Kids are 11,8&7. If I hear her or the mediator say ‘you have to do what’s best for the kids’ one more time I’m going to lose it. If we truly did what was best for the kids we wouldn’t be in this spot. But she bailed on the family, and NOW she wants to do what’s best for the kids? Everyone loses in these situations (unless of course there’s abuse or neglect)
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 04:37 PM
1

I get a lot of triggers 5 months in, too many to list. It’s brutal for me bc it wasn’t amicable so I hope your recovery is faster than I expect mine to be
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 03:43 PM
2

I’m only 5 months in, and I feel the same so I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in this journey. We have 3 kids too, haven’t spoken or seen each other in these 5 months
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 02:48 AM
6

I was a ‘do anything for my wife and kids’ husband. Well not anymore I enjoy saying NO and setting boundaries
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 11:01 PM
2

You and me both…just awful what they can do.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 10:58 PM
5

I have a much longer list of red flags now
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 10:56 PM
2

We have 11,8,6 year olds. Wife initiated a few months ago. While I’m sure they don’t fully understand what’s going on and why, they also didn’t react in a negative way. They just want to be kids from my experience. They don’t like it, but they all knew they don’t have a choice. They were more resilient than I expected. Only you know what’s best for your kids. Take care and good luck
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 07:51 PM
1

Your words resonate with me also. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and I’m just a few months in the process. I wish you peace on your journey. There is no right or wrong answer here, just take care of yourself
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 12:16 AM
6

I cry too, the intense waves of emotion hit me out of nowhere. Most often when I look at our kids and think ‘who TF would not want to be with these kids full time?’ It’s been a rough go at life lately
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 04:29 PM
12

My guy it sucks, no way around it. I’m also 47 and she 46, 13 years married and 3 young kids. I was the big picture spouse like you, but she was the selfish spouse like they are. I wish you peace, I’m still waiting to find mine after a few months still suffering through the mediation process. I’m grateful for this subreddit, I’ve have some private chats with some gents and it’s been helpful, the pain is real and it feels like forever
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 03:36 AM
22

It’s like they’re all the same. Thanks for this post. Signed, another man
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 08:22 PM
5

Sorry to hear my friend. I’m also boiling inside and just can’t figure out how to cool it all down inside. We’ve got three young kids and she didn’t even think twice about them nor how it would impact them. She can’t see the forest for the trees. I’m in shambles. But at least I’m in Florida with my kids for their school break without Nag-asaurus Rex with us complaining about the 85 degree weather and long lines at Universal. My kids are absolute animals having fun with the best dad I can be. Goo…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 03:02 AM
1

I’m early in the mix of my mess and it’s aweful. I had to lay the groundwork early with my kids (11,8,7) that I’ll never be in the same room as their mother. Not thanksgiving, not Christmas, not birthdays. Everything will be separate. They understood. One birthday was just a few weeks ago and zero contact. What a success. It is sad but I told her I’m not playing pretend family. It’s not healthy for me, so it wouldn’t be healthy for the kids. Maybe it won’t always be this way, but it will for a w…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 03:46 AM
2

If it’s amicable, use a mediator together and then hire your own attorney to review it in your interest only.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 05:41 PM
6

At least she’s proactive with the perimenopause, my wife (46) refused to acknowledge it in marriage therapy. Best case it sounds like the typical mid-life crisis and looking for the ‘glow up’ as the trend calls it nowadays. Talk to her and express your concerns. Worst case is you’ll be in my situation where she becomes a selfish monster and asks for a divorce without any consideration for you or the kids. Prepare yourself accordingly my friend, it sucks for me
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 05:21 PM
2

This is how we’re going to approach it also. It’s the same account we used for joint marriage purposes, but we’ll both put in $X a month for the kids use only.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 08:33 PM
3

I feel your pain. I miss my kids, I miss my previous life. It’s not easy. I’m trying to shake things up, new job after 20 years in my current career, vacation with just my kids for this week. I think about selling my house for a change and moving within the same school district. Having a pet can go a long way. I’m trying a new therapy, EMDR. I’m going talk to my doctor about anxiety medication. I wish you the best of luck
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 11:16 AM
1

Awful, and just looking at how awesome our three young kids are and how fortunate we are is just mind boggling. if she could have only kept working on her past trauma, but instead the generational trauma passes down to our kids now which is the worst part
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 04:27 AM
4

4 months in, emotions come and go but still hits me hard. I was dedicated for the kids, and being without them 50% is a struggle. I know it’s over but can’t seem to process it yet.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 08:11 PM
1

I feel your pain, I’m in the same boat but just let go. I never got an answer to why. All I do is worry about of kids now. One thing that helped is having a person to communicate with instead. For example I was with our kids and my some did something cute. I would usually text my wife, but now instead text my oldest sister just to share it with someone. My wife doesn’t deserve the kids when I have them, sad but i have to gray rock her no matter what
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 06:34 PM
3

I feel the same way and it’s torture for me too. I love the house that feels lived in and full of love from the kids, but without the kids it just feels empty. My goal today is finish their laundry, repaint one bedroom, hit the gym, grocery shop, and get ready for vacation with them next week for their school break. You’re not alone
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 01:02 PM
2

True, it was a lose-lose situation for me. I tried to bring up her individual therapy but got shot down in marriage therapy ‘we can’t talk about that yet!’ Ooooof, so what’s point of therapy if we can’t talk about the issues
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 01:27 AM
2

Same for me….i just wish she did therapy for herself first, then marriage therapy, instead of both at the same time. I’ll never understand why the therapists thought that was a good idea
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 05:01 PM
3

Through my search online I came across the Walking Talking Men group. I’m not sure where you are or if this is something like you’re referring to? It’s not specific to divorce but I bet it’s a topic
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 02:49 PM
1

We’ll see, but I doubt it too, unless she’s in a bind and ‘uses’ them. I have no doubt she was coached by her therapists to make the decision and stick with it and instructed to not show emotion or talk about it to anyone on ‘my’ side, including me. I’m beside myself with this whole thing, including anger and bitterness. The kids lose, I lose, she loses, extended family loses, the whole gamut of feelings roller coaster
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 07:15 PM
1

In my original search, I noticed there are attorney’s that call themselves ‘collaborative practice’ attorneys, which i think are what you describe. At least in NY anyway. We’re using a joint mediator to keep it even more simple.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:44 PM
1

Same for me. She bailed after a few months of marriage therapy after she got what she wanted out of me
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 12:35 PM
1

Same for me, she needs therapy from her unresolved childhood trauma. That was supposed to happen alongside marriage therapy but it was ‘too much’ for her. It’s not her fault she had a shitty family. The stress of not being a family unit has been awful for me and I can’t get in a routine. We all lose, so I’d rather try to make it so we all win. But it will never happen
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 12:28 PM
1

Yes it sucks. No matter how it ends or what they did, parents will always take their own kids side. Having kids adds a whole new level of stress to the situation
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 02:32 PM
2

I get that aspect especially being in a neutral place. We would drop our two youngest off at grandmas almost every Tuesday & Wednesday night for an hour while the oldest did her sport. Now its down to maybe twice a month and me only. The ‘what’s best for the kids’ is only true when it fits her needs.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 03:24 AM
1

I’m with you, I loved the stress of raising kids and a family, it was too much for my wife. Looking back it was the question of who comes first, the kids or the spouse? In therapy it came out my wife thought she should have come first, which would have been ok IF she reciprocated and put me first. I put the kids first bc they are young and I thought that’s what good parents do and you evolve until they fly the coop, it’s how I was raised. Don’t forget to get your alone time with her. And F-socia…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 12:10 AM
1

Im sorry you’re going through this. I’m pro-marriage and was in your shoes. My wife flat out told me she was jealous of how I treated our own kids because she felt like a lesser parent. Unreal. And here I am in this sub offering support and experiencing other guys dilemmas.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 08:37 PM
1

I forget where I read ‘the grass is greener where you water it’. So true, but by the time I tried to explain that to her she was too far gone.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 07:51 PM
1

I’m going to take a typecast swing here…you guys have been together for 15 ish years and have two younger kids and in your 40’s? It seems to be theme, including myself
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 07:44 PM
2

Sorry to hear. I went through marriage therapy in the same manner. It was going well until it was time to get to her personal issues then it was game over, I didn’t even get a reason. I have to accept it and just live with my own reason she didn’t want to be vulnerable about her childhood trauma, mid-life (46) crisis with hormones, etc… in order to save the marriage. We have three kids (11,8,7) and my dreams for their future have been dashed. It’s a roller coaster, take it day by day. Try person…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 03:11 PM
5

I’m four months in also and the family dream part is an absolute heartbreak for me also. I hope you heal my friend, it will be a long road ahead for me
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 03:02 PM
1

Thanks I appreciate that breakdown of things to consider. I expect there will be no perfect scenario I’m just tying to get into some sort of routine, which will be difficult no what we decide
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 01:50 PM
2

I feel the same way, your post was warmly received and I appreciate another person that feels this same way. I’m still baffled how some women can walk away with no cause without putting in effort to work for this type of future
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 01:41 AM
3

I’m riding that same roller coaster, it won’t stop for anything
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 10:50 PM
1

This is probably why she’s pushing it under the ‘better for the kids’ smokescreen. Part of the marital issue was her not being able to have her own time and space (which she got waaaaaay more than I did, but that’s a whole other issue)!
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 07:10 PM
1

We’ve ruled that option out. Having weekday time allows us (me anyway) to check in with their school progress.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 07:06 PM
1

7,8,11
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 06:09 PM
1

Did you guys consider the 2-2-3? I can already hear the ‘it’s what’s best for the children’ rhetoric because of the known days vs rotating days. Well, what’s best for the children is not being away from the one parent that actually wants to be a full time parent . This one will likely be put in front of the judge, I can’t wait for a complete stranger to decide what’s best for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 04:40 PM
1

Custody. 2 days with me, 2 days with her, 3 days with me, 2 days with her, 2 days with me, 3 days with her, rinse and repeat. Give us every other weekend. 2-2-5-5 is similar but I don’t like being without my kids for 5 days
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 04:14 AM
1

Start a plan to see what’s best, ours were 6,7,11 when she bailed on the marriage. We’re 50/50 right now and do the 2-2-3 but we live near each other. There’s the 2-2-5-5 which I don’t want or the 7 on 7 off which neither of us want. Kids are resilient thank goodness
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 04:06 AM
1

Nah, I had an uneventful but stable childhood. The unresolved trauma is the beast waiting to awaken
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 10:18 PM
2

I feel this same way but my wounds are fresh. My enjoyment and priority came from my kids and now it’s just dead space. I did start the gym last week bc the winter sucks. Good luck, we can do this
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 09:16 PM
3

I made a post about this in my home town’s subreddit and someone suggested divorcecare.com but it’s religious affiliated. They have some basic videos too. I didnt do the zoom calls yet because they conflict with my parenting schedule but it’s an option
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 09:14 PM
2

I’m going through the same thing. I always handled the taxes (along with everything else) so I’m just doing the same as we’ve done the past 12 years since we’re still legally married.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 09:11 PM
1

Interview some mediators. Ours told us to expect her costs to be $6-7k. Make a list, find examples, come to an agreement on everything possible and use the mediator to help bridge the gap. Call appraisers for an estimate, it’s usually a flat fee for them. You’ll have to turn it all over anyway, taxes, W-2, savings, etc…. Good luck, it sucks all around
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 08:19 PM
3

Same for me regarding her military career coming before mine. She was gone a lot, I wish I kept track of the past 12 years that I was a working father with 1,then 2, then 3 kids by myself. She still didn’t appreciate it. CS is just unfair, she said she’d waive it bc our incomes are close but the judge can legally make an example of us and just say ‘too bad, it’s for the kids and ill decide’ type stuff. The ungratefulness was mind-blowing. She’s never had the kids for a week by herself, and I did…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:47 AM
1

Congrats, this is what we’re mediating for unless it blows up. Was there an income discrepancy? I’m a little more and the state calculator still has me at paying $2400 which is wild. I hate to leave it in the judges hands but will have no choice
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 11:51 PM
4

You hit the lotto, I envy that and hope it was all worth it in the end
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 11:47 PM
3

I guarantee I speak for every man in this sub, we’ve got your back. Once she asked for it, she spewed some nonsense about how great is going to be still doing family events, vacations together, etc… I had to put a hell no to that and do what I need to do to heal. It’s time to be a little selfish, take care of yourself first now. It sucks, my 3 kids are everything to me and she took 50% of them. You’ll go through phases, I’m in the bitter and angry phase. Maybe in years I’ll be able to forgive, b…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 11:43 PM
3

I feel the same way, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’m only four months in from her dropping the D-day nuclear bomb. Seeing the kids act like they aren’t affected is the only thing keeping me going. No more safety net of two incomes and double most of the bills. I finally got into the gym. I finally admitted I needed more intense therapy to forgive quicker. And we have no contact except for kids sake because I’m too emotional about the ending and losing 50% of my kids as a proud father. We all…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 11:37 PM
4

How did you get 100%? You’re living my fantasy.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 08:23 PM
2

I’m pro marriage but if you’ve done everything possible then only you know the answer. Our Hail Mary was discernment therapy, it’s a specialized marriage therapy that is quick and to the point. Look it up and see if it’s for you guys. It would help with a soft landing should either of you chose. I wish you peace on either path.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 08:18 PM
1

I called her out on the FB reels to be brushed off. I questioned perimenopause in marriage therapy but I’m the big-bad man and not a doctor, so what would I know about it? If I ever heard someone say my wife called me a narcissist I’d lose my sh!t….she accused me of being too good to our kids and was jealous of my relationship with our own kids. Her mental health really took a dump and the psychiatrist f’ed her up with bad doses of whatever where she just gave up the marriage instead. It was the…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:40 PM
1

I’m jumping in for the post above. Yes mid 40’s, no to til tok but definitely FB reels I think it’s called? I don’t do any social media except Reddit venting. What’s your take on the 40’s/tik tok theory?
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:31 PM
1

I’m with you my guy.. except my wife had unresolved childhood trauma that I guess, was my fault somehow? Absolutely crazy what she put on me
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:29 PM
3

I’d do anything to be in your shoes and get 100% custody
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 12:57 PM
11

It sucks, plain and simple. Four months in. We’ve got 3 kids. I didn’t want it but had no choice. Consider a mediation attorney. Of course I take my accountability, thought it was salvageable, but she was just too far gone from years of unchecked marriage maintenance, mid-life issues, and unresolved childhood trauma. The kids have been resilient, they don’t like it but have accepted that they have no choice. It’s a roller coaster of emotion, but you can do it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 12:55 PM
2

You’re not alone. It sucks, no way around it. I’ve gone no communication with exception of urgent kids’ issues. It’s not amicable for me because I tried and put forth effort in marriage therapy just to get nothing back. she faded away and I lost her to the unresolved childhood trauma and now it’s spread another generation instead of stopping with her. I know I’m mourning the loss of the fantasy family that she didn’t care enough to fight for. The ‘feeling of the week’ for me was regret. Not for …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:55 AM
4

Sorry to hear for sure. Everyone’s situation is different, and I’m jealous you got this far with your youngest graduating. My youngest is 6, so I have 12 years of ‘parallel parenting” to suffer through. All I do is worry about them. I wish you and your kids a peaceful journey
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 01:56 AM
3

I feel your pain, It’s a roller coaster for me. I’m four months in and just can’t get in a new routine. I constantly worry about the kids and their schedule and can’t break free for myself. Therapy, trying new things, this subreddit is what’s helped me the most for help
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 01:04 PM
3

Not all therapists are a match for you nor are they all the same. What is your goal with therapy? They need to know. My first therapist’s push was ‘find a passion’. My second therapist was ‘reach out to friends and family for help’ and ‘keep busy’. I needed more. I’m on a third therapist working on coping skills bc I have panic attacks and all I think about is my kids when I don’t have them. The waves of grief and sadness are soul crushing for me. We’re working toward a hypno-therapy session and…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 03:39 AM
3

Same for me. We do exchanges via the school bus and sitter’s and drop and go’s at our separate houses. Haven’t seen her in four months. She turned into a disgusting person and I don’t put myself in those situations. It sucks but it’s part of my healing process.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 03:19 PM
1

Not just the kids 529….the kids extra curricular activities, the kids fun time, the kids anything! She was priority number 1, the kids were an afterthought. Shame on me for not thinking that way
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 01:11 PM
3

Yes!!!! this exact same thing was my scenario. I tried to bring up perimenopause but of course got laughed at, I mean I’m just normal man not a doctor so how could I possibly understand? Throw in the depression medication doses getting all wonky and the unresolved childhood trauma…the absolute TRIFECTA for blowing up a family with a dedicated husband and three awesome kids.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 10:27 PM
2

I read a similar saying somewhere and it rang true for me. ‘A man will forgo happiness for his family, a woman will forgo her family for happiness’. This is why therapy doesn’t work especially when the therapist(s) are woman and the wife is selfish, they all want to swim in a dolphin pod together and protect each other from men painted in a bad manner.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:32 PM
2

You’re in my almost my exact shoes. 3 kids, married 12 years, she’s active military for around 17 years and part time before that. We’re doing a shared mediation attorney to keep it amicable although I didn’t want the divorce. 50/50 custody is the norm now unless you can prove it’s unhealthy for the kids otherwise. I’m doing to send you a chat request
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:45 PM
1

I’m going to piggy-back on your offer to the OP for any advice. I’ll send along a DM
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:57 PM
1

I’m with you at the 12 year mark, it’s been awful for me. I just wanted to jump in and wish you the best on your journey and let you know you are not alone. This sub has been very helpful for me. Take care of yourself first.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:55 PM
1

We do the 2-2-3 and two full weeks a year each (one for a school break week and the other for a summer week). First time with a full week in a few weeks and I can’t wait! Travel should be given notice, maybe trade for extra weeks in return? If you want to travel alone you’ll have to do it on the weeks she has them. And the biggest thing of all, yes this all sucks!!!
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 03:17 AM
7

It’s a must read. I just read it a second time bc reading comprehension isn’t my thing. You can easily read it in a weekend. It tells you to put yourself first and foremost. And I was guilty of a lot of the outlined characteristics also.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 07:21 PM
2

Same…she couldn’t keep facing the reality of all her issues so she just gave up instead
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 04:38 PM
1

I feel your pain. I wish it were easier
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 03:47 PM
2

I feel the same way, I had to put a little distance between my mother and I bc she was driving my anxiety to levels I’ve never experienced (of course divorce was the biggest factor). Set some boundaries, as the therapists would say. Ask for help (other brothers, sisters, neighbors, etc.). I help out only when others can’t. I was always the first call and now I have to be the last resort for my own mental health.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 01:51 AM
3

Good on you for having a relationship with the ex. I cannot do it (yet….as the therapists tell me to say). My day is coming which is why I have to keep my distance now so it won’t hurt later. It sucks thinking about it, but I hope you get your peace
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 01:46 AM
1

It’s an emotional roller coaster and no quick and easy solution. I wish you the best and peace on your journey
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 12:42 AM
4

I’m pro-marriage myself, but dig deep, it won’t be easy either way. Best wishes from someone whose wife didn’t dig deep enough
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 12:40 AM
1

I understand you. school closed for two different days for us and they were exchange days and I told her I’m taking a sick day to play with them outside while we’re still sorting out custody agreement. I’m over the snow, but just something about it for the kids. I’m glad you got some of that time, I guarantee they wont forget those core memories. Keep on keepin’ on!
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 02:15 AM
2

Oh man that’s ridiculous. Good for you, it’s not easy. We’ve got three (11,8,7) and they truly are getting the short end of the stick. We’re in mediation now and I’m alone and sad not being my weekend with the kids. I hate the word ‘co-parent’ because I only wanted to be a full time parent to our kids, and after seeing your ‘parallel parent’ for the first time I think this is a way better term.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 04:39 PM
2

These situations are what I fear the most. I missed one chorus recital already. Celebrated Christmas and a birthday as the ‘new’ family dynamic. Heart wrenching. Curious as to your username also? I learned that phrase from this process
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 01:26 PM
3

Sorry to hear. I tried to do dates and other things to reconnect, but always got shot down. Then we tried therapy, was ok at first but then she pulled the plug. Sounds like she just gave up, it’s an awful experience especially if it’s not what you wanted.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:38 PM
3

Good for you, my kids were my happiness until i lost them to 50/50. I’d suffer through anything to have them 100% and fight for the marriage but she thought otherwise
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:08 PM
2

After shit hit the fan in my marriage, my wife told me she was jealous of how I treated our own kids, because i made them a priority and my hobbies were them and her. She didn’t want to be a hobby, she wanted to be the priority (still baffles me). Find a babysitter. Take your wife out on dates, maybe even an overnight if you can leave your kids with family. Or make yourselves a priority and leave for a few days somewhere alone and give the other space. Yes it’s tough with 2 kids, we have 3. What…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:05 PM
4

100% a must. From a fellow (former) nice guy here.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 07:28 PM
8

I’m a proponent of doing everything to try and save a marriage unless there’s abuse or infidelity of course. You can try for a quick and straightforward marriage therapy called discernment therapy. It’s a Hail Mary but why not?
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 12:37 AM
2

I’m in the mix of it now too, 3 kids also. I can’t get into a routine yet after four months. I hope the best for you and your kids. I just live in the moment when I have them and putz around when I don’t. It’s awful, good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 06:31 PM
4

I wish you luck. I was in your shoes, we tried marriage therapy but it failed. Three young kids, a bright future ahead for the whole family but it wasn’t good enough. She pulled the plug and I’ve never been more hurt. Once she said those words I turned the switch off. Bare minimal contact, text and email only, I haven’t spoken to or seen her in 4 months. It’s an awful emotional roller coaster. I wanted to keep working but she made up her mind. I truly hope it goes better for you if it’s what you…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 03:36 AM
20

I set this boundary from day 1, separate everything (holidays, birthdays,etc..). I’m not going to put myself in a stressful situation nor do I want my kids to see me in distress. Her actions have consequences, and this is one of them, don’t let her bully you
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 03:50 PM
1

Being a mother or a father is tough, no doubt. Then add life in the mix. it was easy for her to become overwhelmed while I got to grin and bear the brunt of it. Like you said, if they could just work as allies instead of enemies it could have been different
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 06:03 PM
3

I’m stealing ‘fun sponge ex’ because that’s my situation too. I’m still dumbfounded on how kids can’t bring joy into their own mother’s life.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 04:25 AM
2

I read thru the licensing requirement and they are suppose to be factual and neutral, as most appraise for a bank anyway. since they have a license, they have ‘skin in the game’ to keep their license in the event someone accuses them of being shady. Of course there is a human element but I’d image two appraisers should be within reason of each other, maybe 10%?
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 04:21 AM
2

Start the discussion with a lawyer. She certainly can’t keep you from your daughter. I’m on the opposite side…wife and I tried marriage therapy but in the end she gave up. I’m torn apart inside for our 3 kids. It’s out of my hands but neither of us have been hostile or problematic. Therapists will even say think of yourself first, don’t think of your kids. I don’t think this mindset is a ‘one size fits all’ but my wife did so she gave up for ‘not being happy’ instead of trying.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 04:16 AM
5

I commend you, you’re doing better than me. I’m only 4 months into separation process, 3 kids. My boy is 7 today, just dinner out last night and birthday cake and presents tonight with only his sisters. I still haven’t spoken to their mom in 3 months. We rotate custody around the school bus so we don’t have to cross paths and they understand. I’m not sure how long it will be like this, but she hurt me to the core. I constantly ask the kids if they are ok, and they say yes. I have the most incred…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 03:27 AM
2

In mediation now myself. I offered a house value range of $15k based on two houses nearby that sold within the past 2 years. Now my wife wants an appraisal, happening Tuesday from mediation provided appraiser. Appraisers are licensed here in NY so we’ll see. If it smells funny maybe I’ll waste money on a 2nd appraisal. If it comes in high, I’ll offset it by asking for more joint savings or something else. In the end it’s what you can agree on.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 12:25 AM
2

No doubt the therapists made the decision to leave easier for her
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 03:32 PM
2

I started with a new therapist because my wife’s trauma passed to me. sounds silly but it is possible because I was vulnerable during marriage therapy and she did not want to address her trauma. Therapy may very well be years and I was committed for the sake of my wife and family. And now I have to do it alone. Divorce is the worst, for me anyway
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 05:55 AM
2

Unresolved childhood trauma from my wife’s past was what killed my marriage. 12 years and 3 young kids. I’d encourage her to focus on the therapy, my wife did not want to and I regret not pushing harder. Separation might be best so she can focus, set some boundaries, try individual therapy yourself maybe
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 05:47 AM
15

Don’t be surprised. Not to compare stories but we have 3 awesome kids, stable careers, good finances, the big picture future still wasn’t good enough. I didn’t even get closure after 12 years of marriage. Marriage therapy was her soft landing. I had to chalk it up to ‘if you’re not happy with yourself mentally, you’re not going to be happy in a marriage no matter now good it is’ excuse for her. Good luck and take care of yourself now
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 01:54 AM
1

Good for you….im still trying to find my peace
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 11:56 PM
4

I’m pro-try everything to save a marriage (mine failed bc of my wife’s issues) but if you’ve exhausted all options and the kids are affected then everyone will tell you it’s time. Just get it out calmly and definitively. Do it with a mediation attorney and hope to keep it amicable if you do decide. It will suck ass for a while, I’m only 4 months in and it’s a roller coaster. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 03:33 AM
1

I’m in NY. Any children? We’re working with a mediator who is also an attorney and can file for us. I’d suggest mediation also so you don’t get tripped up on the legal stuff. Most of our finances are separate and we’re going with the same ‘what’s mine is mine’ mindset. The house is a big deal, it was mine but she definitely paid into it and value has doubled so I have to buy her marital share out, that’s fair. For us I told my wife just take what you want from the house, I didn’t care. You still…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 03:08 AM
2

Hi I’m going to send you a chat. Wife and I are in mediation with joint attorney but I know shes getting coached by a colleague national guard member divorce attorney. I’m a civilian
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 11:22 PM
1

I feel it creeping in. I offered a fair buyout range to consider based on two neighboring house sales and now she decided she wanted to hire an appraiser. She’s had an attorney in her ear for sure.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 08:58 PM
1

What a terrible person. Looking back, what would you have done differently so that others like me don’t get shafted? Thank you and hang in there
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 08:41 PM
3

I agree with this. I’m de-wifeing the house and simplifying. Waiting for a vision and adding little by little. A plant is a must! I use wax cup melt warmer for scents, easily interchangeable. And I can put my truck and tools in the garage again
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 02:16 PM
6

I don’t know what to say bc I’m new here, but stick around for a while some of us newcomers might need some advice! Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 02:26 AM
5

Same for me, 47, together 15 married 12, 3 kids 6-12. Neither of us cheated but my wife got wicked depressed and health issues and childhood trauma that she put all on me. Marriage therapy was a bust, she gave up. We’re in mediation now. Take time to heal. It’s not a race, no one is competing. I can’t even think about another woman. It’s been four months since she asked for the divorce and it’s a roller coaster. I still cry on swap days and it’s ok!! This impacts everyone. I’m slowly trying to p…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 01:54 AM
1

There is pre-marital assets and marital assets but that might depend on the state laws. If it’s amicable (or at least not going to be a battle) work with a mediator. my wife and I have a mediator…we’re going with ‘what’s in your sole name is yours and what’s in my sole name is mine, then splitting joint assets like house equity. Our incomes are close so no alimony or child support. I saved more for retirement but she has a pension. In the end it should be fair and equitable for both parties. Mar…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 12:36 AM
1

Consult with an attorney for a courtesy if they offer it. Ask her to get a job too, could soften the blow. You should be able to separate pre-marital and marital assets but that might be state dependent
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 11:54 PM
3

I hope you heal as quickly as possible. I’m not afraid to admit, I’m scared shitless of my time coming in the next few months and then beyond of course. Kids, finances, security, all impacted.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 04:52 PM
3

I’m sad without them,struggling trying to fill the void. The one thing I wanted was to be a better father than I had and it was ripped away by solve-able issues if she wouldn’t have given up. Now we’re the majority being from a broken home. Stability and availability gone. I’m sure they will be ‘ok’, but I wanted better for them. Good luck my friend!
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 04:05 PM
4

It sucks. 11,8,6 year olds for us. Kids are resilient. Try to focus on (any) positives, like new bedroom furniture, two holidays, etc.. they were sad I won’t lie, but 4 months later they’ve adjusted more. I hate it, didn’t want it, and fought for it. For me worrying about the kids is a ‘me problem’ to which I’m in therapy for anxiety and detachment. Like I ever wanted to detach from my own kids. I still cry when I don’t have them on my 50% time. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 02:37 AM
2

Keep him busy!!!! This sub Reddit is great and the whole reason I haven’t lost my mind, knowing that I’m not alone. I put out a request for a support group on my city’s Reddit page and it was a bust with the exception of another fellow divorced dad and we meet in person every other week. Reddit has a chat feature there are plenty of guys in there same boat that would be willing to chat if needed. Therapy can be helpful. It’s is awful, I’m 4 months in working thru mediation. I wish he the best!
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 01:44 AM
5

Sorry to hear. This is what therapy does…my guess is your wife’s therapist is a female and they convinced her to think of nothing but herself. They force the idea that if you are not happy, go be happy and be selfish, think only of yourself. If your wife’s troubled childhood involved abuse, that abuse will somehow reflect on you. This is from my own recent experience. You’re young, now’s the time you do the same, go be happy. I wish you peace in your journey. I’m still waiting to find mine.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 09:45 PM
3

We’re paddling that same boat. I did not go to my daughter’s chorus concert. I made sure to tell her why (Its not healthy for me to be around their mother) and I’ll make it up to her
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 12:13 AM
1

I’m hesitant to get on the AI bus for this yet. What’s the info on attachment styles? I’m working with a new therapist exploring this one reason I’m having trouble letting go, along with the anxiety of the kids’ futures
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 05:38 AM
2

I feel your pain. I’m in the same boat with three (11,8,6) and have gone no communication unless it’s for kids’ schedule. I haven’t seen her since October when it all went down. We lost focus on each other as spouses because of the day to day grind. Mediation under way via email only. I just want a face to face calm conversation on how to reconcile but I’m not going to chase her. This is my worst nightmare for the kids and my own future with them. 50/50 isn’t enough for me. I hope you find peace…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 05:34 AM
1

I couldn’t agree more about the kids. Thankfully they are resilient. Unfortunately they (11,8,6) know there is nothing they can do to convince their mother to get her act together and fight for the family again. Said for them and their future
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 05:27 AM
2

I’m sorry to hear your situation, mine is similar and it’s awful. Your 3rd paragraph mirrors my thoughts also and I know it will impact the kids future but thankfully mine don’t see their future like i saw it. The scheduling mess, coordination and bouncing around is enough that I can’t even focus on their school work or pursue extra curricular activities. And she doesn’t even care. Im only three months in. Medication is under way. I wish you peace and hope you are in a better head space than I a…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 05:18 AM
3

If this is the 3rd most traumatic, I sure hope to never experience the 1st and 2nd. This sub has been huge for me to vent and know I’m not alone. I can’t wait for it to be over and find my peace
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 03:15 AM
1

I’ll say I’m jealous of your story being able to be close with in laws and glad you ca. cherish those memories. My wife’s father is a POS alcoholic and not trustworthy to have around the kids. And the wife fell into that mentality too by not dealing with her childhood trauma which is why I’m here. Others were ok but I know I have to go non contact bc I’m sure they’ll sympathize with her side of the story vs the truth. This sucks all around.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 08:49 PM
7

It’s the worst and I wish you peace in all this. We tried marriage therapy and that’s when I got the rug pulled because she was afraid to open up when I tried to keep it all together. 3 young kids and she still didn’t care to work on the marriage. Sad for us all
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 12:19 PM
1

Yikes…tacky.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 12:13 PM
7

I’m jumping in to wish you good luck! I’m only a few months in the process and still trying to find a good step forward. With 50/50 custody I’m lost half of the week. take care out there!
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 03:32 AM
1

I’m sorry to hear this has happened to you and all the others on here with different circumstances. My kids are young (11,8,7) and will miss out on a lot not having the nuclear family benefits, but she gave up. Good luck on your new journey
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 02:45 AM
2

We do the 2-2-3 custody schedule and my wife is the one who moved out. she’s able to bring them to my house for the bus on her days (or take them directly to school) bc of flexible work schedule. But she’s less than 10 minutes away to my house or the school.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 01:47 AM
8

Start with your own STD tests even though your bedroom was dead. This sub Reddit is great and I’ve found it helpful to vent and know we’re not alone
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 01:26 AM
2

Hang in there, you’re better than him. I think my wife just surrounded herself with female therapists (three of them!) that were all about women’s safety in groups. Probably all divorced themselves. I may be naive about there not being a guy in the picture but so be it if she chose another guy instead of her own husband and dedicated father to our kids. That last one her for being a terrible person
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 12:36 AM
1

I sent a chat request
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 12:22 AM
2

I just met with a psychotherapist trained in EMDR. I haven’t heard of IFS. For me it’s the anxiety of my kids future. I know they will be ‘ok’, but I wanted better for them. All the expected divorce, co-parenting, finances, future partners, etc drama sends me spiraling. Intense waves of emotion and panic attacks are really setting me back
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 09:27 PM
1

And remember therapists will tell you ‘don’t think about the kids, only think of yourself and do what makes you happy’. So that gave my wife an excuse to be selfish and bail saying she couldn’t handle being a family anymore. Being a full time attentive father and husband made me happy so I wanted to work on the marriage. Now I’ve lost 50% of my kids and couldn’t be more sad.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 09:21 PM
6

I’m still looking for my distractions 3 months post the D-bomb. Therapy is a must, I’m trying a deeper trauma therapy next instead of talk therapy. It’s winter and it’s sucks getting motivation. I’m 100% go when I have the kids. Visiting friends and planning is all I can do now. Good luck, this is awful
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 07:53 PM
3

Hello friend and good luck. My wife moved out while we did marriage therapy thinking it would give her the space she needed. it did not keep us together because she gave up. She would not open up and be vulnerable and that was it, while I tried everything to reconnect. 3 young kids, house, stability, all down the tubes. In therapy don’t re-hash the past too much, figure out how to make the future work staying married.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 07:48 PM
2

Dude same for me and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. We’re still in the process. 11,8,7 years olds. She tried that ‘but we can still do Christmas and birthdays and family vacations together!’ I put a hard NO to that on the first event, Halloween. If you don’t want to be a real family I’m not playing pretend family.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 03:55 AM
2

Of course! Whatever you do don’t expect any apologies either, even though you have to give them to her. I wanted nothing more than to keep the nuclear family together and work at it and do better than i had growing up. But she fell back to her way of growing up with a broken home instead of some real effort
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 03:44 AM
3

Looking back at my experience with marriage therapy was not favorable and I was trying to save the marriage. We spent too much time on the little stuff from the past (as far back as 5 years) instead of what to change in order to make it work. Also the main topic wasn’t allowed to be discussed because I tried, that’s when she gave up. Sad for her not confronting the past trauma and sad for the family’s future now. Therapy was very one sided in my experience
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 03:36 AM
2

find common ground on the house value (what I’m going through now), take into account the amount left on the mortgage, split the difference and buy her out. Obviously make sure you can afford it on your own income now. Or just sell it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 01:19 AM
2

When we first started the process I saw there are some apps specific to co-parenting but we haven’t gotten that far along yet to need anything. Our Family Wizard was one but there was a monthly fee. Not sure what it could do…but I’ll be in your shoes soon enough. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 11:59 PM
9

I’m a few months in and it’s gotten worse for me. I’m trying a new trauma focused therapy over the next few months. I have the same wishes that you do but reality keeps setting in. I was family focused, she was focused on herself, including not being vulnerable and chose to be an enemy instead of an ally in the marriage. I wish the best for you and all other men here.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 05:15 PM
2

Wait until your officially divorced. I tried to update my will with the attorney that did mine and my wife’s together. He couldn’t do anything because we’re still married and even then it would be a conflict of interest. Now I have to wait and find a new attorney. Then I can do a trust
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/26 12:46 AM
5

My friend I hear you. I’m in a stand off myself. Mediation is under way. My last words to her in October were I was hoping for a movie fairy tale ending. It’ll never happen for me bc she’ll never admit wrongdoing or apologize. Zero communication except text for urgent kid issues. I hope you get what you want. I wish you peace either way.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 01:24 AM
1

Yeah that’s a big gap. My wife already moved out during a trial run while we did therapy. part of her issue was the house anyway bc she needs everything new and expensive where I’m good with a cheap mortgage, roof over my head and update as needed. It was mine before we met and I wanted to keep it for the kids school and stability. But if she comes back with a 100k gap, yeah I’ll likely sell. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 08:11 PM
1

I definitely need a physical outlet to burn off the stress. I’ve never been able to put myself first and that’s been the hardest part about self discovery and re-learning a new routine
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 06:09 PM
1

I provided a $15k range of the house value based on a few nearby houses that sold recently. I’d keep realtors out of the picture because they suck in general. The proof is what the comps are. Still waiting for the mediator to come back with her acceptance or rebuttal.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 03:44 PM
2

We share ‘the relationship i have with my kids pisses her off’. My wife-on-paper, the mother of our young children, was jealous of my relationship with our kids. Still blows me away to this day thinking about how anyone could be jealous of their own kids. I wish she was as attentive to the kids or even me for that matter
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 03:21 PM
1

Thanks for the suggestion, maybe I’ll give that a whirl. I tried a few different brands of melatonin and there was a difference. Is the magnesium a ‘right before bedtime’ supplement or more of a daily vitamin anytime supplement?
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 01:19 PM
1

I wish you peace. I do the melatonin but it’s only good for a couple hours. I also wake up groggy and dizzy which is awful. The anxiety, the what -ifs, the ‘will the kids be ok’, the stress, shuffling kids and their needs, no calm routine, etc…it all weighs on me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 12:54 PM
2

3 months in and I toss and turn and get restless sleep. I get the 330-400 o’clock awakenings too.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 12:17 PM
1

I’m in the states so nothing related to FRO/Ontario. We’ve started the process and the anxiety of my kids’ future is overwhelming. Please tell me the good news that your 3 are doing well after all these years
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 03:33 AM
4

For me it’s not seeing the kids. Our marriage wasn’t ‘bad’ on the surface but just tolerable bc of poor communication. kids never saw or heard anything bad. We tried therapy but that’s their thing, anything less than perfect = bad marriage = divorce
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 01:58 AM
8

Strangers on this sub Reddit were more helpful than my real friends. My family was helpful at least. As soon as it’s finalized I’m doing a trust also. I cant even work with our original trust attorney because it was all shared assets and a ‘conflict of interest’ for him now to work with me individually. The legal web we all weaved!
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 05:50 PM
1

I’m going thru the process with a mediator also. I’m not sure of any specific resources but lay out all the finances and ask for what you think is fair. The IRA may never be used for the kids, but if it were you fight for your portion and then you have it for the kids’ use as you see fit. It’s a negotiation, I’m sure they’ll be a back and forth a few times. It sucks. Let the mediator guide you both but be prepared to be flexible.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 04:09 PM
2

I’d say don’t rush anything. Talk to her. Would she travel with you? Is she happy? Talk to an attorney, no harm in that especially since you probably have marital things (property, retirement, bank accounts). Try marriage and/or individual therapy, but I know they will tell you to do what makes you happy, even if it’s leaving. They convinced my wife to do it. Find a support system (friends and family).
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 03:30 AM
5

I’m in the divorce process now, and his actions sound like my biggest fear for myself as I try to move forward. My 12 year marriage, 3 kids, and pride were everything to me. It may be worth therapy for him personally. Everyone grieves differently, but divorce trauma is real and he may not have let go of the past yet. It’s great that your asking and willing to support him, but you’ve got to accept his actions as a sign. And it’s a slow healing process
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 01:03 PM
3

Consult with an attorney, preferably a mediator of this is somewhat amicable. It’ll be more time up front to gather paperwork (income, retirement, tax returns, deeds,etc) Work out an agreed schedule for the kids somehow. A few hours a week should do it. This isn’t a race and you don’t want to misstep. Then let the attorney do the legal stuff which is the phase I’m in now. Review it all and ask questions until you’re comfortable. Good luck, it’s an unfortunate reality
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 12:39 PM
2

It’s a roller coaster, take time to grieve, it’s not a race. Take care of yourself now. Try therapy. Do whatever it takes to keep you busy. I wish you more good days than bad ones.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:37 AM
5

Divorce is awful. you could try individual therapy. Therapists will tell you to do what makes you happy and to be selfish. So be prepared, I wasn’t but my wife sure was.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:12 AM
8

Thanks my friend, I’m also about 3 months in and the roller coaster is real. While I’ve accepted it all I just can’t shake the impact on the 3 kids..the bouncing around, the no more family vacation, the no extra money now for their college fund, no school activities because of the schedule mess, no two parent household, etc.. The anger, fear and anxiety of all is real for me.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 01:52 AM
2

If it’s ‘amicable’, use a mediating attorney. It sucks, give yourself time to think and grieve accordingly.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 04:08 PM
4

Hang in there, it is the worst. I’m three months in and it still feels like there is no end in sight for me. I feel the same way you do and tried my best. my wife was jealous of how I treated our own kids. she was overcome by unresolved childhood trauma that was put on me. Marriage therapy failed bc therapist tell you it’s ok to divorce and not to think about the kids. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for giving up on our family. Good luck, we’re in this mess together and it’s awful
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 08:31 AM
3

Hormones can certainly affect people but this seems a bit much, is it her usual behavior? If so get some space for a few days. If not ask her to see a doctor. Take care of yourself first right now and don’t engage with her
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 08:25 AM
1

Seriously. We have a mediator bc it was supposed to be amicable. Then my wife sprung her own attorney on me and the mediator, so then I had to find my own. what was an agreed upon path went sideways even though we agreed to the outcome months ago. We tried marriage therapy before she decided to divorce. from day one they tell you to be selfish and don’t think of the kids. And her personal therapists who seemed to push that agenda. Emotional detachment and unaccountability are real.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 08:19 AM
6

Give yourself grace period to adjust. We do the 2-2-3 because personally there is no way I’m going five days without seeing my three kids and they feel the same. I’m still waiting for it to get easier after three months. I am able to enjoy a dinner or coffee shop by myself and visiting friends to catch up, but that’s about it so far. Good luck I wish you all peace
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 08:34 PM
3

I can’t upvote this enough my friend. I’m in the separation and it is the hardest thing for me. Some people make it seem easy and kudos to them. I chose to fight, but she chose otherwise, making the decision for ‘us’, including the kids
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 08:24 PM
1

This is the truth, her friends and family will support her ‘I just wasn’t happy’ mentality. I get support is what they’re for, but I bet not one of them was like ‘hey he’s a great guy and it sounds like something you could work on. Don’t make the same mistakes we did by divorcing when you were growing up.’ Not to mention he’s a great father to the three young kids you have together. Let us help by (insert favor here, ie watch the kids so you can go away for a few days and recoup and reset). Let …
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 05:39 PM
1

Owelty lien? my lender mentioned this but it’s me buying her out still with a refinance because it’s a lot of equity.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 03:36 AM
1

I’m staying, she moved into this house as a premarital asset. It’s their friends, it’s my trusted neighbors, etc also related to stability. Your point about the upkeep is true if she were staying bc she couldn’t manage any of the maintenance and chores, but she chose to move out and that was ok. I have to know where she moved to bc of the kids so doing a drive by is a moot point. I plan to buy her equity for now for stability (she’s already moved twice is 8 months). I do hope that your words hel…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 01:49 AM
7

I disagree, we all have different circumstances. The house is stability for the kids, the only house they’ve known and it will ensure they keep in the same school. Refinancing to a higher rate is going to suck, that’s negotiation tactic. The ghosts and memories I get for sure.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 12:05 AM
2

How did you get this deal? Our marital home was pre-marriage loan in my name only, but I did put her on the deed for estate planning. Didn’t her income pay for the home, making at least some of it a marital asset?
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 12:00 AM
1

She told me she wanted me to treat her like I treat our kids. Well the kids listen to me, help me grocery shop, do laundry, clean the house, laugh and play together, do activities (parks, hikes, pickleball, bowling, etc..) and you do…none of that? It’s a two way street. All while her parents divorced early and didn’t protect them from adult males (trauma) growing up. I would have thought she wanted a better life for our kids, but I guess not. Instead of working on issues with her scrub parents I…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 02:13 AM
3

She had two individual therapists also. One of which ‘diagnosed’ me with something based on what my wife told her….and I never saw or spoke to this therapist. What a crock these people are! They brainwashed her good, let alone starting with a psychiatrist who gave her meds by trial and error. Somehow it was still all my fault
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 08:51 PM
9

I feel this. We did marriage therapy but she quit the program early. The first session her and the therapist said ‘don’t think about the kids in your decisions’. As soon as she dropped the D-bond, she says ‘we have to do what’s best for the kids now’. Unbelievable. Cake and eat it too scenario. Narcissistic behavior to the max. I call her the ‘Me Monster’ since she’s trying to make it all about her.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 08:15 PM
10

Three months in separation process. I’m with you, I will never forgive her. We have 3 kids (11,8,6) and she blew it all up by giving up. She was jealous of her own kids and my relationship with them as a father because I wanted better than I had growing up. And her own unresolved childhood trauma that was somehow put on me. What a selfish act. Text communication only and I’ll turn and walk away if I ever see her in public. It might be petty but until I heal I’m steadfast. Good luck, I wish you p…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 06:03 PM
8

Agree. I will never forgive her, not so much for myself but for the kids and their future I had planned as a nuclear family
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 05:56 PM
2

I’m rooting for you. I was in this spot all year after 15 years and now in separation process unfortunately. My guess is you fell into a routine, and if so break out of it somehow. Vacation, a few days away, therapy (individual or couples). Sit down and talk to each other. Convince him to see a dr and get physical and mental health on track. I got tested for low testosterone and was able to rule that out. Kudos for looking out for your guy instead of just giving up!
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 02:26 PM
2

We have 8,15,16,20,21,22 in common. In separation process now. This is so sad and we all suffer, including our three young kids. Good luck, I wish you all peace
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 01:52 PM
10

I’m definitely checking it out this weekend, thanks. Women encounter women to be selfish and put themselves first. Kids and husbands don’t matter. I’m in the thick of it. She would only listen to her therapists and nothing i suggested. She even had a therapist make accusations about me, and I never even met this therapist before! What a sham. It was all downhill from there
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 01:43 PM
5

I’m in the thick of it. I don’t get much sleep or peace. I recall one dream where I got to wake up and hug my wife, it felt real and awesome. Then reality set it. Good luck healing
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 01:23 PM
1

Verbal and emotional abuse is just that. if it’s not physical the police won’t do anything, you are correct. Take your attorney’s advice and be safe. You are not running away, you are protecting yourself and your son. That’s as fatherly and manly as it gets.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 05:05 AM
3

I’m in the process now. I got a late start at 35 and have 3 kids (11,8,6). I’m I have no desire to even make time for a gf yet. Anyone my age will likely have older kids and won’t want to deal with young kids again, can’t blame them. But at least my kids are awesome, their loss. I think this will be my future too. I wish you well
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 05:00 AM
2

Agree. In the separation process now. I took the aftermath of her unresolved childhood trauma…I guess is was my fault your parents didn’t keep you same a child? she was jealous of our own three kids because I wanted a better life for them than I had. All while I supported her career. She couldn’t keep up. Needed her own space. Such a waste of what was a united family
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:53 AM
8

I’m with you. Going thru it now. 3 young kids lives charged forever because my wife decided to ‘put herself first’. She was jealous of our own kids because I focused on them and wanted better for them than I had growing up, but that idea was too much for her to do better than even she had growing up. Medication is best and it should be fair and flexible for you both, we’re using a mediator also. It sucks, rant away, Reddit has been a huge help for me to get it all out.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:48 AM
1

Can’t you take your kid with you out of fear for his safety too? Document everything. Talk to your attorney. You’re not giving up the home, you are temporarily keeping safe. Abuse works both ways, there is no shame it’s not your fault. File a police report if necessary. I’m in the process of separation, my wife is a blackout alcoholic but not abusive, she said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to stop drinking, not even for our 3 kids. They can be so selfish and are only thinking of themselves. Be s…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:41 AM
1

Well it sounds like you’re doing everything you can, including marriage and individual therapies. Have you discussed expectations in therapy? We did marriage therapy for four months before my wife gave up. Maybe find some help, babysitter, house cleaner, etc to take some work load and stress off you. Depending on your state, 50/50 is the norm now. Obviously you’re thinking about it, so start consulting with a few attorneys. They usually offer a free 1/2 hour or so. If the reprehensible things ar…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 01:30 PM
2

You did the right thing my friend, took the high road. Since you mentioned soon to be ex wife, put in your custody agreement about Father’s Day being your day no matter what. That’s what I plan to do. Good luck, this shit sucks
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 05:48 AM
2

Remember to take it slow, it’s not a race. I still cry most nights I don’t have my kids. I wake up multiple times at night. I’m distracted and have brain fog. Try an online therapist and get the feel,you may find it helpful. I’ve taken myself to dinner, comedy shows, out of town adventures, hikes, coffee shops, reach out to any friend or family for support. I posted on my city’s subreddit looking for support groups (but no luck). I hope 2026 treats you well!
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 11:54 PM
2

Welcome, unfortunately. Take some deep breaths. It sucks, no way around it. I’m 3 months in from the official D-day bomb. This sub has been a huge relief that we’re not alone. Vent away if you need to. Start consulting with an attorney (or mediator if it’s amicable). I feel the same way you do, ashamed and embarrassed, the male pride and ego is real. I’ve got 3 young kids too and I fear for their future, lll torn apart. Take care of yourself and put yourself first now!
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 11:39 PM
1

Good luck my friend, cheers to a happy healthy and better 2026!
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 01:13 PM
2

Good for you! same for me…she dropped the D-bomb right before Halloween. We usually do a dope party at the marital home (she already moved out). It happened to fall on my custody day. ‘But we can still do the Halloween party for the kids sake’. I shut that shit right down. 50/50 means that. You chose not to be a real family, and I’m not playing pretend family, FULL STOP. They have zero accountability. I wish you a peaceful new year (while I’m out with my 11,8,6 year olds tomorrow night doing cos…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 02:00 AM
3

I’m right with you. Plus I worry non stop about my kids’ future
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 11:28 PM
20

It means they are not willing to consider anything other than their selfish narcissistic selves. No explanation, no discussion, no remorse, no thinking about the kids or husband or the family’s future. Stick a fork in it, it’s done
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 11:26 PM
14

This is the saddest part of the divorce that my wife doesn’t see because she can’t see past her narcissistic self. The family unit is broken, the marriage, the immediate family support system, everything.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 05:08 PM
5

Do a consultation with a mediation attorney (or 2) if it’ll be somewhat amicable.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 02:38 PM
3

Yes, it’s a legal untangling of emotion, finances, and children. in the end it’ll have to be an agreement so remain vigilant in what you want but be a little flexible. Start with what you want out of it and go from there. Hire a mediation attorney if it’s amicable
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 04:05 AM
8

Thanks for this. I’m only 3 months in separation phase and my blood still boils. Marriage therapy was not authentic on her part and I never even got to discuss my major issues or get closer. 47, 3 kids (11,8,6) and I can’t stop thinking about the impact to their future. I do therapy but this has been a slow painful process. I’ll never be able to look at here again, the emotional disrespect was real
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 11:44 PM
3

If she’s setting hard boundaries it sounds like you need to re-evaluate and set your own boundaries. I get it that a partner and kids come first in a relationship, but controlling your interaction with your parents is a bit of a red flag
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 09:56 PM
5

Fellow good guy here, kudos to gents like us but yeah, it sucks. The next few months will show me how bad the system
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 07:08 PM
12

Stop all unnecessary communication. They are mental. They will not change. Get therapy. Mine initiated the divorce then yelled at me because ‘now I can’t be a full time mother’. Seriously? Doesn’t get any more mental than that. they can’t even see their own actions and consequences
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 04:17 PM
2

If you don’t have assets or you just want it done, consult with a mediation attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 04:00 PM
2

We have 3 (11,8,6) and she was at least smart enough to find a rental in the same school district so we rotate custody around the school bus schedule. No way I could walk on eggshells around her bc I have fun with the kids and she can’t stand even the typical noise and messes the kids make. I’m glad you’re making it work.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 02:14 AM
6

I give all you gents that cohabitate all the credit in the world. mine had to get of the house, ain’t no way I could look and listen to her. It’s a financial constraint but well worth it
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 01:59 AM
1

How shallow they can be. Good work not reacting, like you said that is what they are looking for
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 09:08 PM
4

Unresolved trauma got my wife, and we’re in the separation process. That trauma is now part of me and it’s awful. I think your post is generally my ‘lessons learned’ upon my failed marriage. Set your boundaries and don’t bend. Open communication is key and it sounds like you got this
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 09:06 PM
5

I think all of us here that have fresh wounds are slowing and painfully healing, including myself. You are not alone. Take care of yourself first!
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 09:01 PM
1

This post hits hard. Good luck out there gents, it sucks
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 02:53 AM
5

My wife wanted the divorce, so she was the one to leave the marital home. No way I was having it otherwise. Somehow get your space, if you consult with an attorney on domestic partnership law do that asap. I wish you peace and happiness in the new year!
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 02:27 AM
1

It sucks, no way around that. I found Reddit helpful to vent, we all understand or understood your situation. I’m in the separation process now with 3 young kids. Do any type of therapy, even if online (Betterhelp, Our Ritual, etc..) because it may take time to find a good fit. If you need to vent feel free to send a chat. Good luck, I wish you peace in your journey. I’ve yet to find my own peace
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 02:25 AM
3

I’m only 2 months separated and have no desire. Yes it’s early for me but trusting another one especially after being so vulnerable in marriage therapy and getting mind fucked. What a shame. Good luck out there. If the kids didn’t keep me held back I’d be vacationing someplace where’s it’s legal and variety is abound!
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 06:22 PM
10

I’m in the same situation, 3 kids (11,8,6) wife that ‘isn’t happy’ and nothing I could do. Something just switches in their brains. I’m 47 so you’ve got plenty more years ahead of you than I do. Take care of yourself, no shame in doing therapy, and keep busy. Best wishes ti you and all the other good hearted fathers out there who were man enough to try and save their marriages, only to be given up on.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 06:07 PM
9

Your situation is similar to mine, 3 kids, roughly same ages, and I’m going thru the process now. I just wanted to wish you and all my fellow gents in this situation that never wanted to be in the best of luck and take care of yourselves (and definitely don’t get married again)
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 06:03 PM
2

Will this be amicable? If so try a mediation attorney. That’s what we’re doing but you’d both have to be on board with one attorney. Otherwise get the best attorney you can afford, interview a few of them or get recommendations from friends. Good luck, this shit sucks!
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 01:26 PM
2

I asked for a time machine for Christmas to go back a few years myself and pick up on the signals. Unfortunately no luck. The separation continues. I wish you peace in 2026 my friend!
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 04:57 AM
1

Resentment is a bitch
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 04:52 AM
2

I shed my own tears when I picked them up today. such a difficult time. Best wishes to all first time holiday gents too!
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 09:54 PM
3

Merry Christmas to you to fellow friend! I’m 3 months from when she dropped the D-bomb. I don’t see it getting any easier for me in the near future. I wish ya’ll peace, if anything!
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 06:25 PM
3

I feel your pain and sadness. Unfortunately it really seems friends and family don’t understand what you (we) are going thru. It sucks. Feelings will come in waves, some more intense than others. Try and block the bad thoughts and refocus. I do online therapy right now to get some perspective and positivity, might be worth it for you? Please consult with an attorney regarding your rights as the father. This is my first separated holiday and I’m sad as well. Take care of yourself first!
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 04:52 PM
2

Whatever you chose to do I hope it worked out. I personally won’t put myself in the situation to be around her. I set my boundary early for when she was dissolving the marriage, made her and the kids aware, and why. I’ll have my Christmas separate. I wish it wasn’t this way but I’m taking care of my own needs now.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 12:36 PM
4

I’ve found most stories helpful, knowing I’m not alone. My wife got brainwashed by therapists and medicated by a psychiatrist so I didn’t stand a chance trying to save the marriage. Im at a new low after three months because I just realized her unresolved trauma transferred to me. Now my kids suffer with a broken home. Sad all around. I wish all you gents reading this a merry Christmas and take care of yourselves!
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 11:09 AM
1

I wish i could fast forward 20 years and get a glimpse of how my kids (11,8,6) turned out so I can put my mind at ease now and see if things got back on track. Here’s to 20 more years of regret marrying a quitter and narcissistic woman instead of someone who appreciated a stable and secure family life. I wish all you fellow men peace and happiness on Christmas Day!
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 11:01 AM
3

I feel your pain, my wife gave up during marriage therapy. It is not easy and the worst things I’ve ever experienced. I fear for my kids future and the stability, but the kids didn’t matter to her, she turned selfish. I’m only a few months in, but all I can say is put yourself first! You have needs and you deserve to take care of yourself. Good luck and Merry Christmas !
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 10:55 AM
1

This shit sucks, Christmas or not. The loss of 50% of my kids is mentally exhausting and this first Christmas has been extra sad. I wish you all well I hope it gets easier
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 10:41 AM
2

Reddit has been a real help. I’ve vented on the public forum and in the chat. I posted on my city’s sub reddit and have met a fellow divorced guy and we meet up to vent. I fear for my kids future bc she turned selfish. Feel free to sent a chat if you want. It sucks for sure
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 08:55 PM
2

High point, one less person to stress over buying a Xmas present for. Low point is without a doubt the broken nuclear family
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 04:19 PM
5

I wish you peace. I’m still looking for my solitude as well
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 02:02 AM
3

This was a nightmare of a read for any responsible father. I’d like to give you the utmost respect for reaching out and for supporting him but it sounds like you are doing everything you can! maybe work on a planned vacation or something for when he does get them back. Best wishes, keep at it!
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 12:36 AM
2

Not knowing your circumstances, I hope it’s not irreversible. I miss more than I don’t miss in the marriage but it wasn’t my decision to given up. I hope you succeed in your goal, whatever goal that is!
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 12:09 AM
2

No matter what decision I made, it would have been the wrong one. slowing it down was one of them and gave her the space she needed. I treated the 6 month marriage therapy program like a marathon and was going with the pace to the 6 month finish line, all to find out the finish line was a 4 month race for her before she called it. All for nothing in the end. This shit sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 11:47 PM
5

Attorney first and prepare per their advice or anything else you feel you need to do to secure your and your sons future, including visitation. Get the upper hand right out of the gate
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 09:35 PM
3

make a decision first if you want to try to save the marriage. If so, there is a specific marriage therapy called ‘discernment therapy’. Look into it and find a therapist together. It’s a more serious and direct short term therapy. You can also consult with attorneys at the same time. Usually a free initial consultation. Good luck, it sucks. I tried everything to same my marriage, but in the end she was the one that gave up even though I had the same intimacy issues you have. I was dedicated to …
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 02:20 PM
4

In the process now and their mother was all about trying to celebrate holidays and birthdays together. I put a hard stop to that nonsense. If you weren’t going to try to be a family before you blew it all up, do you really think I’m going to try after? Get bent. Cheers to all you gents struggling like me with your first divided holiday!
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 12:23 AM
5

I wish you peace. It sucks, no way around it. Our first holiday separated, 3 young kids. She gave it all up by not wanting to deal with her own childhood trauma. Now it’s passed to our own kids. I understand the dark cold winters being stuck inside. Try to get out anyway, for any reason, and put yourself first.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 08:53 AM
2

My guy same here. I’m in the thick of it now. The open line of communication is way better with my kids (11f,8f,6m) because I don’t have to worry about the quitter micro-managing my parenting skills and I don’t have to walk on eggshells with her zero parenting skills
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 11:19 PM
3

Educate yourself based on your state laws. Consult with 3 attorneys (they usually offer a free consultation) . Get the best one you can afford unless it’s amicable and you can do mediation. Follow their advice. And take care of yourself
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 11:09 PM
1

Thanks, it sucks. I hope you fair better than I did. I went with my nice guy approach bc that’s who I am. Just to get treated like some sub-human who gave the marriage their all and was committed to our kids, our vows, and my wife.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 11:02 PM
2

Therapy is useless unless both parties are willing to share and listen. I listend and apologized for what my wife’s issues were. As soon as it was my turn to bring up the two issues I had….. boom, it’s over. What a dumbass I was being vulnerable, shedding tears, all to get my needs invalidated and her quitting.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 09:59 PM
2

I figured two years as well and that seems like an eternity bc each day is a struggle. Regret, panic attacks, loneliness, anxiety for the kids future. Not an hour goes by where something doesn’t kick me down.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 06:41 PM
3

The struggle is real. Itll take time but do what makes you happy and what feels good. Put yourself first. Branch out and try things you couldn’t before because she said no. I wish you peace, I’m still trying to find my own peace after losing 50% of my kids. They were my happiness and now I’m empty the other 50%
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 03:56 PM
2

I agree in my case anyway. I handled all the finances, college 529’s, 401k’s, roth’s, mortgage, childcare, vacations…she just wanted it all on autopilot. Some of that is on me for not being able to ‘live in the moment’ but I was aiming for securing the family’s future
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 08:16 PM
6

I’m in the same horrible place. I wish you peace. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over this. I miss my kids. One day at a time. Keep busy, stay positive. See a doctor, see a therapist. You are not alone. Your kids need you.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 12:39 PM
1

Same for me…when we swap the kids they always have new clothes, candy, toys, etc… bc she would rather do that to gain their happiness than real activities like I do.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 01:33 AM
3

No way. We’re in the thick of the divorce now. One reason for her walking away from our three young kids was she was jealous of the relationship I had with them, because it made her feel like a bad mother. I was the more attentive and involved parent. I will be until the day I die, and it sure won’t be to save her narcissistic ass from a bullet
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 01:24 AM
2

‘Welcome’ aboard. I found Reddit to be a great escape and place to vent and share. It sucks we’re here. I wish you peace in your journey. I’ve yet to find my peace after 3 months after she asked for it, after 4 months of failed marriage therapy
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 04:19 PM
4

I’m the opposite here. I spent too much time focusing on my kids and family and not myself. My kids were my hobby and I thought that was the right thing to do as a parent. My wife then became resentful bc I prioritized OUR kids and she felt she was a terrible mother. Lesson learned, personal hobbies and time away are beneficial. It’s a balance. Now it’s the divorce route
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:34 PM
4

We tried to fix things in therapy, but she gave up. That’s what hurt me the most, giving up. I like the ‘wife goggles’ analogy, but it’ll be a while for me to heal. She not only failed on the marriage therapy she failed on dealing with her personal trauma therapy, and of course they’re related. Somehow her trauma got absorbed by me and now I’m traumatized and over emotional
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:25 PM
1

Congrats on getting her to accept perimenopause. I tried to bring up that concern and immediately got shot down. And then down went the rest of my marriage because nothing I tried was good enough
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 09:37 AM
1

Are ya’ll dating other people or exclusive? I’d suggest setting personal boundaries. If he’s doesn’t want to share, you either accept it or cut bait
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:44 AM
4

I’m currently going down the divorce path unfortunately. How long have you been dating? I’m hesitant to share much other than gender, ages and maybe a general schedule of parenting time. No way would over share until it was clear ‘what we are’, and that sure better be a committed relationship, for me anyway. There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:21 AM
2

Rant away, I’ve done plenty. Give it everything you have, date night, weekend away together, deep discussion about therapy without threatening. I was committed to my wife and pro ‘save the marriage’ and not as bad as your situation except the dead bedroom from her. I cry all the time without my kids and either the future I planned ripped away. She bailed on me for less. Talk to a therapist for yourself, although they are all about pushing you to be happy and think of yourself, so be prepared. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 02:08 AM
11

I feel this. I hurt for my 3 young kids where I tried to discuss the financial impact as part of the ‘big picture’ she was giving up. Sure go pay $2500/month in rent and double the living expenses, all the while no college funding, family vacations, etc… turned total narcissist
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 01:06 AM
1

Do you have a timeframe? I’ve read it’s typical to have a year to settle the house…can you get a second job to help with any of it? Taking more debt is always an option but be cautious
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 12:32 PM
3

I hope you sleep well at night knowing you did everything right and be proud of the father you are for your kids. My kids are everything. They are all under 11 and I can’t wait for the day to come where they can voice what they want the custody to look like. My situation pales in comparison to yours and I can feel your pain and understand why. This whole process is stacked against us
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 12:19 PM
2

I wish you the best. It’s ugly. It’s the hardest thing you’ll have to go through. Do the ‘grey rock’ strategy. 12 years together, 3 kids, and gave up in therapy when it was her time for accountability. Total narcissistic behavior and nothing you could have done. Their minds just flip. take care of yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 11:45 AM
3

I agree with you. What is it you see the ‘minute you detect that behavior’? I’d love to know so I can bee on the lookout too from what you’ve learned
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 11:10 PM
5

I even defended my wife when our first therapist got firm with her …which is why we got a 2nd one. I was too nice, thinking that would help. But nothing was good enough. My wife had the balls to tell me she was jealous of the relationship I HAD WITH OUR OWN 3 KIDS!! she felt like a bad mom (duh, no shit just pay attention to them and do stuff instead of turning them into iPad kids). And wouldn’t even plan date nights or babysitters. All while I supported her military career being gone regularly,…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 10:50 PM
10

We tried marriage therapy. Started out positive but took a turn when I tried to bring up what I needed to discuss, the deep important stuff (her drinking, dead bedroom, past trauma, etc…). So she got all her apologies, I understood her points, etc… but then wouldn’t return the favor and it all slipped away. 12 years married and 3 young kids torn apart all bc her selfish and narcissism.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 07:57 PM
1

And I’m sure she acts so proud and her friends support her, but that’s what friends are for vs telling her what she’s giving up. Keep being a good dad. I hope to heal soon but I don’t think that will happen for me. Good luck on your journey
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 02:07 AM
3

Im 47 and started the process bc she ‘wasn’t happy’ due to her own shortcomings, and it sucks. 3 young kids and dedicated husband torn apart. Even 50/50 has me lost without the kids. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust myself to find someone else.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 08:08 PM
5

I’m going thru the same. It’s sucks. My wife put in no effort during the marriage but now that we’re separating, she does. It’s some strange ‘liberation’ that women go through instead of effort for their husband and kids. It’s pure selfish and narcissistic behavior. It’s not you, it’s her. Try therapy for the anger and grief. Take care of yourself
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 10:49 AM
1

Unresolved childhood trauma got my wife. I believe it was projected onto me.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 10:43 AM
1

I wish you well, your post hits home. I’m only 3 months in and I feel this same anger. I tell myself it’ll be only 12 years at the most, when my youngest becomes an adult when I’ll be content again. Yes to therapy. Find the right one, it’s never too late. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 01:36 AM
9

Please vent away! I found solace in Reddit forums and can help you understand that you are not alone, and you are not the problem. My wife was the problem and wouldn’t listen or let me help and gave up the marriage and the kids any myself suffer. Narcissism is sad and ugly
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 07:48 PM
2

Same for our therapists. The younger women influenced a stable late 40’s family. My mistake was letting my wife choose the therapists, thinking that would make her more comfortable. In hindsight I should have walked into therapy with a questionnaire about their life for comparison. Who knows they may have been full of regret and jaded by a man and set to de-rail any good father. Fucking shame. Yes I’m bitter and in therapy because I fear for my kids future. I wish I could get 50/50 and she would…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 03:23 PM
4

I jumped in to defend my wife when the first therapist said out of line aggressive comments to her, then my wife wanted another one. I knew I was cooked when the second one (another female) told us ‘not to think of the kids’ through the process. That gave her an out to be selfish. She listened to them instead of me. I asked my wife if she wanted to quit drinking (yes she is an admitted alcoholic, red flag and my mistake there!) and she said she didn’t know. LIKE WTF!?!? The kids come first, adju…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 03:00 PM
8

Stats are ugly but true. Divorcing now. My first marriage and her second (no kids from her 1st). Stats even higher for second marriages. Stats even higher yet for service members (her). She initiated due to the typical ‘I’m not happy’ after 12 years and was brainwashed by therapist, depression meds from psychiatrist made her a zombie. Leaving 3 young kids all because she gave in and ‘all about me’ selfishness. I’m not one to pray but I wish peace for you and your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 02:36 PM
9

Divorce process started recently. Unresolved childhood trauma for her. Communication for us. Who comes first…spouse or kids?
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 12:30 PM
10

I prefer some sort of emotional connection. Even if it’s a once or twice thing, there must’ve been something there
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 12:28 PM
8

I’m in the thick of it too, you are not alone. It takes time. Keep your brain and body busy. It’s sucks but no sense chasing what doesn’t want to be caught. It’s taking me what seems like forever to let go. Everything will work out in the end
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 12:33 AM
4

I did a quick search, looks like you are correct so thank you from saving me that request to the mediator. Unless I just play stupid or she asks if I want it back.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 09:14 PM
2

I plan to ask for it back during mediation. I guess legally it’s mine since i paid for it and it wasn’t a gift but an acceptance of marriage. Now that she wants the divorce and took it off, why shouldn’t I get it back? And because I’m bitter and will keep it safely for any future reason
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 08:30 PM
5

Same for me. Sad all around
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 04:13 AM
5

Good on you! kids grow up fast and I just wanted to set mine on the right path. Same wife,kids, house, job scenario until she blew it all up. Unfortunately I can only be with them 50% and I’m heartbroken the other 50%. The most fun now is setting hard boundaries with their mother and not giving in.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 03:15 AM
9

I agree! I can’t say I forgo’d my own happiness because being with my kids was my happiness. Then she got jealous, yes of her own kids, yes with her own husband, because we had a better bond because I made the effort and she didn’t put in any real effort at the end, for me or them.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 02:56 AM
24

I got your back, same thing for me. And she had no problem negatively impacting 3 young kids and her dedicated husband’s life. Narcissistic behavior to the max. F-everyone else but me attitude. Me first, me first!!! What kind of mother does that? A quote I read somewhere hit home…”a man will forgo happiness for his family, but a woman will forgo her family for happiness”. Just sad!
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 02:36 AM
2

Agree, and I was that sucker that encouraged and supported her service career, 10 month deployment, multiple month long out of state training schools while raising the kids and working full time. All to be told in therapy that I didn’t appreciate her career. Trauma brought out the selfishness and narcissistic personality and took away the empathy and emotion. They preyed on her. Sorry to the OP for getting off topic! At least I’m in control of my own therapy now
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 12:27 AM
3

Good points. I’d never be able to put myself in ‘bro mode’ and expect my wife to understand. She never took interest in ‘manly activities’ hunt, fish, motorcycles, auto repair, etc like a male friend would anyway
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 12:05 AM
2

It caught up to us after 12 years just grinding away at life and our first big issue, ever. poor communication, both guilty of it. We were working on it in therapy. She told me she was jealous of the relationship I had with the kids? Then from the depths of hell came her childhood trauma. She saw me as that trauma, due to my high intimacy interest. And her personal therapist pushing her to be happy with herself and forget the impact her decision would have on the kids. Yes I’m bitter. F-brainwas…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 12:02 AM
3

What’s your take on the SO not being your best friend? I agree. It always makes me cringe when I hear ‘my partner my best friend’ type people
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 11:37 PM
7

All I can say is do what you feel is right. I will tell you my story, I was dating my serious GF and we were cool never having a kid. One birth control miscommunication later, shotgun wedding elopement and now three kids total. They are amazing kids. Divorcing process now and all I fear is for their future without two stable incomes and the unfair bouncing 50/50, mental toll on them. I will never resent them, but I sure resent my wife for giving up. It’s your life and you only have one, live it …
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 11:28 PM
2

I’m that cousin of yours, going thru the same. It’s very thoughtful of you to reach out and be looking out for him. I’d suggest getting something new to discover and treat himself to. I bought all sorts of self help books but hate reading, so those may not be for him. I bought myself new clothes, shoes, cowboy boots just to break the cycle of same old routine. Self care times like a fancy men’s haircut/hot towel shave type place if in your area. I also got a professional photographer session wit…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 07:33 PM
1

Good for you. I never wanted mine but I’ve accepted it. I just wish it would get easier sooner, but that’s a me problem I’m working on!
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 03:52 AM
1

I was that ‘nice guy’, and you are correct.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 03:34 AM
1

I gave mountain biking a go this summer, fished more, hunted a few times, hikes, amusement parks, water parks. All the things that she held me back from doing!
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 02:28 AM
2

My friend congrats…I’m in the beginning stages and still trying to get the motivation. Best I can do now is just get out and trade myself to dinner or even coffee. I’m still trying to find a non-church support group myself
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 01:52 AM
5

I went full ‘when they’re with me, they are mine and do not interfere or take their time away from me, you have no say or input’, and I respectfully do the same when they’re with her. Unless it’s important of course. She didn’t put any effort in to talk to them or do anything with them during the marriage anyway. 11,8&6 years old too.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 03:05 PM
1

I’m there to support you from Reddit land! My in-laws are selfish people and did nothing to support the kids so I’ll never see them again hopefully! As tough as it will be, at least they are present in your daughter’s life which I hope is positive
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 03:21 AM
1

‘This one’s defective, time for an upgrade’ got me! I’m slowly healing and only having 50/50 and that sucks the most. I deserve an upgrade, a true ‘partner’ instead of a no-effort wife and mother to my kids
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 01:46 AM
2

Talk to her about your needs and what’s missing. If she can’t understand those needs or you’re just not attracted to her anymore, you’ve got to look out for yourself. Just remember the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but the grass is always greener where you water it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 12:24 AM
3

It’s never too soon to have fun and try something new….but yes too soon for any type of commitment in my opinion. Healing is different for everyone. I’m the same age and same marriage history as you and I have no desire to date yet
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 06:16 PM
1

Thanks for the optimism, I need to hear that sometimes. While I can’t argue that she doesn’t love them, she puts in minimal effort and doesn’t do much with them, she’s the boring parent. She’d rather park them on the couch with the iPad where I’m all about getting them out of the house for an experience and keep them busy mentally and physically
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 01:54 PM
2

My friend I could have written this. Same for me, mid 40’s, 3 young kids, 12 years married and I got lost to routine and taking on all the family duties and career. And my marriage suffered and she let it happen. Nothing was good enough. No communication. I put the kids first but she wanted to be treated like a princess instead with no effort. Now I’m the emotional disaster as the time has come. She moved out and we have 50/50 which is the worst part of it all, losing 50% of my kids youth. I’m g…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 03:17 AM
6

I’m not at the cordial phase yet, who knows when that will come, if ever. I agree about midlife crisis I tried to bring that up along with pre-menopause but got shot down bc she wouldn’t listen to anything u less it came from her brainwashing therapists. I got the ‘I don’t even know who I am’ nonsense! For real you’re a mother to 3 beautiful young kids and have a dedicated husband, who else do you want to be????!!!!
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 03:09 AM
5

Good for you. Don’t ask for a divorce, tell her you’re getting a divorce. You don’t need permission to live your life!
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 10:54 PM
1

I’ve noticed this too ‘like it’s an award’. Really? For my situation giving up on your husband and 3 young kids is something to be proud of? Being jealous of your own kids relationship with their attentive father? Get F’ing bent! Putting in effort after the marriage is over instead of making it work?? Way to follow the herd instead of digging deep and trying!
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 10:46 PM
5

This is my approach also, ‘grey rock’ method and hard boundaries. I’m in the early stages of mediation and 3 young kids impacted for her selfishness. The kids have two different lives now, mine and hers, entirely separate. I read one comment on a thread and I liked it…..Refer to her as ‘the mother of your children’ instead of ‘ex-wife’. Words and context impacts my brain and I hate the ‘ex’ negativity
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 08:21 PM
4

Divorce is traumatic. Shut out all the noise and take care of yourself, it’s ok to be selfish, keep active, and stay in therapy. It sucks. You’ve got this!
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 12:07 PM
10

Vent away! I post and comment regularly and Reddit has been a friendly relief, you are not in this alone! Divorce sucks I’m in the thick of it too in NY. I feel your pain, it sucks, stay positive. Fight for everything you want. Infidelity doesn’t matter in most states anymore and it’s sad they don’t hold the betrayer accountable to some degree. You can do it! Some days will be worse than others, it is painfully slow healing, but it will happen.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 02:09 AM
1

We started with a ‘collaborative’ attorney, which is a mediator. while the divorce is not amicable (she gave up on it) we don’t plan to fight each other. Wishful thinking right now anyway
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 07:49 PM
1

My wife dropped the bomb on me. Can you do it, of course. Should you do it, that’s up to you. I now miss out on 50% of my three kids lives…for 12 more years, not by my choice or lack of my effort. Refocus on yourself and see how it goes first. Put in 100% solid effort. If it doesn’t help over X time period, you may have your answer. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 05:18 PM
2

Thank you for the encouragement and reassurance. We did get in a therapy session about boundaries, and my response to the therapist was ‘boundaries sound like just a fancy way of saying no’..to which she of course chuckled and dove deeper using an open door, closed door, locked door boundary analysis. Each have a level of a boundary (eye roll the therapy nonsense). Well the first ‘holiday’ was Halloween, my day, and she thought she’d come to my house and participate. I put a full stop to that id…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 03:49 PM
2

Good for you! I’ve never kept in contact with any previous partner, but since we have kids together I’m stuck dealing with the delusional thoughts and I know it’ll be a rough road at times.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 10:51 PM
2

I empathize with you. I wish I could get full custody, so congrats! I’m a bit bitter and petty still and plan to be while I mourn and heal. Instead of working on the marriage (with every resource possible) she gave up. Thats the sickening part, giving up. We teach our kids to never give up, yet she was a the hypocrite. Her childhood trauma won (including the alcohol) and now it impacted our own children.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 04:56 PM
1

Same…and it was never good enough.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 02:02 PM
1

Catching up on this post and I see a lot of my situation. I believe my wife was ‘brainwashed’ by her two therapists. All they do is encourage you to be happy…no matter the path of destruction you leave behind. And that’s what selfish people do, listen to therapists and don’t consider anything else since they’re the ‘professionals’. Marriage is work at times
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 02:00 PM
3

Thanks my friend. I give you credit for the co-habitation, I shot that down and the ‘we can still do stuff together’. The financial impact is severe but worthy my sanity. It’s out of my hands but I’m getting better, just painfully slow. There is a part of me that is dying and therapy is about re-learning yourself and letting go of the negativity of the past. 12 years to go for me. I wish you well!
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 01:24 PM
6

Now we know we’re not alone for sure! I was blindly in the ‘it’s just a phase until the kids are more self sufficient’ then we can re-focus. The selfishness was a kick in the gut. we both work and she said I didn’t appreciate her career? I was a full time parent for the kids when she had to travel. I got no appreciation but I didn’t need it, it was my duty as a father and husband to support everything. How was I supposed to know she wanted a ticker-tape parade after every promotion? I didn’t see…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 09:32 AM
3

I’m on it, I appreciate the support! For the first time in 12 years I ‘put myself first’. New clothes, venturing to dinner and shows by myself, catching up with friends, back into hobbies, etc. I’m trying to get my smile and sense of humor back and lose the negativity before the dating scene.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 08:58 AM
14

Thanks for the words, delusional is very appropriate. She put more effort into the exit than she did the past 5 years of marriage. I was doing everything (kids, domestic chores, outdoor chores, planning, finances,etc..) and the only thing she cared about was why I didn’t put her first? You’re an adult for fucks sake. if she wanted to be put first then she should have taken on some of the responsibilities and given me breathing room. I admit the communication was an issue, but now I realize it wa…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 08:49 AM
3

I’ve accepted it’s dead and agree with the cake and eat it too. I’ve gone grey rock and have yet to need to communicate with the exception of any kids illness because we stick to the schedule. She’s emotionally void and dead inside, suppressed childhood trauma got her. and now it got the rest of us. Sad to see her give up
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 08:34 AM
2

I’m a few months in and struggling right next to you. I do therapy and going through the ‘find your passion’ type stuff. But my kids were my passion which makes things 10xharder with just 50/50. Now I just force myself to get out of my comfort zone…take myself to dinner, shows, coffee and just trying new things, including learning to relax for once. Above all, I’m learning to put myself first
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 03:44 AM
2

As I just learned the hard way those priorities, given the poor communication. no opportunity to discuss expectations and boundaries now and everyone else loses
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 07:46 PM
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