I am not ready to divorce because I have children. But I daydream about it every day.

My wife interprets everything that I do according to a framework of “mental load.” She admits I handle a full time job, chores, and childcare, but resents that, in her view, the “mental load” still falls on her because I can “check out” when I want to. This is an entirely subjective perception; I don’t go anywhere, but she resents that, in her view, I am not frantically planning the kids’ outfits and things like that and when I do dishes or whatever I am just doing dishes and not also multitasking. When I go to her with any concern of my own, usually addressing the mental load thing and trying to find ways to support her better, she says this is causing more mental work for her and she is not responsible for my feelings. It does feel like she thinks she is entitled to treat me poorly because all men are defensive and lack an understanding of “mental load.”

When other people mention that they think I am a good dad, she gets angry because I shouldn’t get “points” for spending time with my kids. (I spend virtually all my free time with them, often trying to take them fun places to give my wife a “break.” We both work and they are in daycare.)The idea that someone could have a positive opinion of me makes her angry. And again, when I try to repair, address her concerns, it is just shut down.

In my opinion, her family is really unfair to her mom who is often scapegoated as unreliable. I do not want to be typecast in this way as the family whipping post. It is not even remotely connected to reality, but in her view she is managing everything while I always let her down. The self righteousness is unbelievable.

I think social media has played a large role in this mental load narrative. I Am frequently sent these videos by influencers like jimmy on relationships and this Australian guy who coaches husbands to be better.

My dilemma is that I am not sure I want to be the person she wants me to be. I don‘t want to bow down and acknowledge she does more and I just need to “shut up and learn” when I don’t think it is true. But I definitely don’t want to take on this role of scapegoat.