Broke up with a seemingly HVM

GeorgiaPeach_94 · 2021-08-21T21:31:19+00:00

I would recommend refraining from applying the HVM label to a man you barely know. You can't possibly know if he's HVM, and in fact you discovered that he isn't and very well done for doing so.

Zeniite · 2021-08-21T19:28:23+00:00

If he was rushing and saying all the right things, I tend to get put off very easily, too, since those are tactics used by narcissists. Good on you for breaking it off!

For me, I want to date, but know that I’m very vulnerable to narcissists and to settling for less. I place my mental and physical health above finding a relationship though, so I’m working hard in therapy to address my tendency to date narcs and listening to my gut earlier and earlier on, as well as sticking to my standards while also finding where I can be reasonably flexible. Other people may not need to abstain from dating like I am, but I just don’t want to risk getting entangled with another narc and having it negatively impact my mental and physical health as a result - not just yet.

ilovewinniethepooh · 2021-08-22T07:53:17+00:00

If you felt he was rushing, then he was. You can always trust your instincts.

candyfox84 · 2021-08-21T19:55:52+00:00

No I don’t think you need to be perfect to date 🥰 But if you need time away from dating, that’s fine too! Sounds like you were spot on with this guy and your instincts were right, that is probably why you couldn’t quite find a connection with him. Leveling up is a lifelong journey.

ComedyCaviar · 2021-08-21T22:12:47+00:00

I had a similar situation. It felt like he wanted a girlfriend more than me as a girlfriend. It felt as if I was a fantasy in his mind more than a real person with flaws and all. Once I became real, once I needed him for support, he ran. It hurt. I also broke it off multiple times before the final break up.

Icchy24 · 2021-08-22T03:15:24+00:00

Just wondering - what made you have the feeling this being rushed?

frecklesinboston · 2021-08-21T20:37:54+00:00

I’m going through something similar and am about to break it off tonight! Seemingly high value but similar to you it definitely feels like he just wants a girlfriend and is rushing things despite me telling him I need to get to know someone and am still figuring out who he is. Meanwhile he’s full steam ahead after a month. All we do is communicate and talk about feelings and just aren’t having any fun.

I think these are important situations where you note you still have work to do, perhaps take a break from dating, get that confidence back and try again. Remember you’re looking for someone to complement your life and add to it!

Struggleis4real · 2021-08-21T22:42:19+00:00

Yes good on you for trusting your gut! I had something similar happen, he was more interested in someone to listen to him and a girlfriend placeholder, but didn’t particularly care for “me” as a person. I was able to spot it just by chatting for some weeks.

I think dating is appropriate when you feel emotionally and physically ready to put yourself out there, not when you’re “perfect”. I learned the most about myself when I went on one time dates with guys because I learned to socialize, communicate my needs, and verbalize what was important to me over and over. It’s like constant practice for the real thing, but only when you feel ready for it.

vbych76 · 2021-08-22T04:12:10+00:00

It's interesting trend lately, that many men want a "relationship", but haven't matured enough to grasp what this entails. I'm not sure if it is related to lockdowns, where many people felt lonely and undesirable, if it's just an age thing, because they see their friends coupled/married or yet again opportunistically they want to waste our time ( what do they have to lose being with someone who has their own money, has her life together).

GIfuckingJane · 2021-08-21T21:07:23+00:00

You did exactly the right thing! You listened to your instincts and saved yourself a ton of heartbreak down the road. I would just suggest journaling after dates to see dating patterns and also include how a man makes you feel after the date. Also, start dating slow and have one date per week for a while. You're 100% correct on dating multiple guys until being exclusive.

You're doing great, don't second guess yourself ❤️

throwaway-fds · 2021-08-21T22:07:35+00:00

At the end of the day this is your choice, but I think it would be a good idea to abstain from dating until you are 100% confident in yourself. Dealing with narcs is a whole nother world and you are constantly learning new things about yourself. So glad you trusted your gut! Never trust a man who rushes things, he has a plan and it's never usually a good one. I get the feeling he was waiting to trap you via marriage or pregnancy and then reveal his true colors

Japanese_Lasagna · 2021-08-21T20:53:48+00:00

If you dated him for a couple months and still felt uncomfortable being exclusive, either some part of you wasn’t interested in him or you have commitment issues. If being exclusive in general makes you uncomfortable, then you aren’t ready for an actual relationship and should focus on what you actually do want.

Title	Broke up with a seemingly HVM
Author	mxmoon
Upvotes	279
Comments	30
Date	August 21, 2021 7:17 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/p8xhc9/broke_up_with_a_seemingly_hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/broke-up-with-a-seemingly-hvm.1059467 https://theredarchive.com/post/1059467

Comments