Settlement Meeting

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-09-29T16:21:29+00:00

Mediation Tips: http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=46407

Throwaway4120213 · 2021-09-29T17:12:00+00:00

Know your numbers. See how the opposing side is going about it. If they start “high” and you counter with “fair” to get it over with and save everyone time and money - you will end up in the middle of “high” and “fair.” So counter “low” - have reasonable arguments and then have them move you up to “fair.”

I had “low” numbers also prepared backed by evidence. They told me “no way,” but since I had reasoning behind it - the mediator didn’t think I was just being a jerk but just that I didn’t understand the “rule of thumb.” So they spend a lot of time moving me to my “fair” number.

Don’t get strong-armed. Sometimes the lawyers are there to reach a deal and they lean on the person most willing to compromise. You can ultimately ask for a mediator instead of just the lawyers - ours was an ex Judge so he knew the actual statute of how alimony and asset splits should be handled and could push back on any ridiculous demands with authority.

c4944e830acd · 2021-09-29T16:06:38+00:00

Do you already have a list of bullet points for non-negotiable items, and items you have some leniency on? I would jot these down ahead of time, so that you have a good reference point to work off of. Don't get yourself into a situation where you forget to cover a topic, and walk out of there thinking everything is resolved.

Also my best piece of advice is to STAND FIRM. Do not concede something that you are not willing to concede. I know that sounds obvious, but when you are in a negotiating room, it's easy to give things up, and then later regret it.

If you think of any additional bullet points before the meeting, just add them onto your list. Whatever you do, don't go in totally unprepared. Best of luck, brother.

HelixFish · 2021-09-29T16:39:40+00:00

Make sure that all valuations have been set and are agreed on. If you can’t agree on value then there is no point in meeting.

KneeDeepThought · 2021-09-30T15:17:27+00:00

Let your attorney do the talking. Don't rise to any bait the ex or her attorney throw out. Don't jump to defend or attack anything. They will try to rattle you and make you blurt out something they can use against you. Revealing that you value anything will let them re-negotiate immediately, so don't mention anything that's not on the list. I made the mistake of mentioning all the tools I had in the basement and my ex's atty demanded $1k valuation of them - you get the idea.

Basically shut your mouth and don't get rattled.

ChatRoomNinja · 2021-09-29T17:13:00+00:00

Assets always split 50/50, unless you can document its an inheritance or the asset pre-existed your marriage. You can negotiate how you balance that... I'll take this car, and these two bank/investment accounts, this one credit card... but everything gets tagged with a value and you just divvy it up to a point where you're balanced.

What makes these meetings interesting IMO is when you start talking about child support and spousal support. That part is highly subjective and where you really do have much more latitude to negotiate.

jimsmythee · 2021-09-29T20:46:11+00:00

Advice, write it down. Get a tape recording going. Because I had to do that with my wife multiple times when we were in mediation. For example (made up items; "At 10:35am you already agreed that if I that if I said OK to the 50% of the 401k, you offered to relinquish your interest in house. Now you're going back on it. Because now you're offering to relinquish your interest in the house, in exchange for the student loan debt. Which is it? Student loan debt or 401k?"

My exwife always hated me for doing that.

jgoodstein · 2021-09-30T01:11:19+00:00

you can be in different rooms if you feel your emotions will get the best of you. My Ex chose to be in different rooms.

itonlyhappenstwo · 2021-09-29T22:43:18+00:00

You are right in saying stay calm, and from there figure out what you believe is reasonable. Do not yield from that in the mediation. Do not yield if they say they will go to court. Do not even yield, if you temporarily lose in court, as no matter how long it takes; reason will prevail!

pegleg_legal · 2021-09-30T02:33:06+00:00

Has the judge given any indications yet? Usually there will be a pretrial conference and those kind of things where the judge will give thoughts on maintenance, support, property division, house valuation, etc.

Your divorce will be settled when you and your stbx can talk to one another and determine what you can agree to. Not with the lawyers dickering back and forth. If you are civil, give her a call the night before and talk about how you'd rather that the two of you both bet better off for the kids sake than give the money to the lawyers. You don't hate her and you're sorry it's come to this.
Know your issues, know your positions. Know her positions.
For every give there is a take.
Work hard on interest-based negotiations, rather than positional (high, low, meet in the middle).
Don't forget tax effects.
Cash now is worth more than cash later.
Excessive valuations are a fools game and can get expensive. Try to agree on a person of mutual trust to do a single valuation, not this high low and take the average shit.
Don't forget about debt.
Lump sum buyouts save you from writing that check every month and can be good.
Whoever is keeping the house, the other side's leverage is to force the sale. "i don't want to sell the house but I will because we both deserve a financial future".
Manage your expectations and don't be afraid to walk away.
Prepare for an hour with your lawyer the day before so you have a cohesive strategy.

Other than that, no clue about the marital estate so no clue on what you're going to be negotiating. "financial issues" is broad and non-specific.

freeandgrowing · 2021-09-30T14:02:17+00:00

Probably overkill, but I prepared a binder file for my mediation with all relevant financial information organized and ready. I had bank statements from last 12 months, budgets, credit card statements, mortgage statements, receipts from children's expenses, pay stubs, valuations on different assets (kelly blue book, etc.), her income statements, etc. It was a lot of information, but was helpful in showing objectively what I was arguing for. Granted, this was a separate-room mediation, but I had to prove to the mediator that I wasn't bullshitting (she likely did not have the same obstacle). Don't lead with your proof, lead with what you want, and don't start too close to where you want to end up. If you're questioned on the facts, the binder can help provide a basis for your demands.

Good list at the top BTW. Remember to STFU, don't get emotional. It will only draw her into an emotional state, which will make settlement even more difficult.

boxofchocolatenow · 2021-09-30T17:47:58+00:00

Not much to add, the list above is very comprehensive. Just that there are usually 2-3 sticking points. Don’t waste time on things that are clear cut. Remember, every sec ticks by, is 3x the cost. Your lawyer, her lawyer and the mediator.

Title	Settlement Meeting
Author	CarlsJrPaysMe
Upvotes	12
Comments	21
Date	September 29, 2021 3:17 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/pxxj8x/settlement_meeting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/settlement-meeting.1073557 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073557

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