A month later still doing the damn pick me dance

DeJohn123 · 2021-10-11T15:20:14+00:00

You still love her...

Try tricking yourself by saying the only way you're gonna get her back is by not doing the pick me dance. In all actuality, THAT IS your only hope. You need to make her realize that she can be replaced and you will be ok without her. Otherwise, you're just validating her leaving.

WartimeDad · 2021-10-11T16:16:21+00:00

I admit that I didn’t go through this phase. I couldn’t stand her by the time we ended it. Haha. But dude, there are SO MANY FISH in the sea. It’s like slap full with fish.

Younger fish. Hotter fish. Cooler fish. Red fish. Blue fish.

You know that what you’re really after is the IDEA of her. It isn’t her. You want someone who actually likes you for who you are.

There’s nothing I can say that can instantly snap you out of it. I can however tell you what to do. Decrease the amount of time you are dwelling on this chick. You need to decrease it to zero. How? Exercise. Hobbies. Other girls. Meditate.

Be mindful of your own thoughts. Actively note when a thought of her pops into your head. Say you’re working, looking at a spreadsheet, and then you think of her. Actively become aware of that thought, note that you did not choose that thought and that it just popped into you head. Then, let it go and redirect focus back to the present moment. Become curious about this process. Like hey, I’m thinking of this idea of a person. Weird. That’s not that person. I didn’t ask for this thought. Let it go. Redirect attention back to the present moment. Repeat. You’ll find that this practice (of mindfulness) will lead to a decrease in the amount of time you waste on thinking of this idea-of-a-person, and also lower the magnitude of how those thoughts impacts you.

Fuck her. Your own mind is the obstacle here, therefore, become curious about your own mind.

Exercise is this thing where your mind says “stop it.” But you are in control, and you tell it “shut the fuck up.” It’s the same thing. A bunch of practice to help get your mind back under your control. You think of her? You tell your mind “shut the fuck up.”

Take a cold shower. Mind be like “oh but it’s so cold.” You tell it “shut the fuck up.”

Do all these things and regain control of your mind. You got this. Get fit and then there are a ton of girls waiting for you to give them some of this attention that you got.

rubix_fucked · 2021-10-11T21:15:44+00:00

Deny her what she is getting from the present situation - I still love her so deeply, it feels impossible to the point where I'm a groveling fool who gets rejected on the weekly. Mind movies of her moving on with another guy drive me insane, You are not an annoyance even though she may act and say so. Your emotional pain and suffering is her fuel. The pick me dance validates to her all the harm she sends your way. It proves to her she is in control.

Cut all contact and ignore any communication from her. Starve her of the fuel she needs. Be on your guard because if she feels you are slipping away she will do her best to seduce you once more to hurt you again.

The person you love has never existed. She was a persona created to draw you into a relationship. The person you are dealing with now, the one that betrayed you, that is the real her. Always has been.

You aren't her first victim. You will not be her last. Your current replacement will be in your shoes as will his and the one that follows him.

sicrm · 2021-10-11T17:30:56+00:00

this is going to be a little harsh but sounds like this is needed here.

She doesn't even want to let me buy her dinner let alone get back together.

imagine she said yes to the dinner. you went, pulled out all the stops, racked up a huge bill then you got at best a cold hug before she went to go see the guy she really wants.

do you still want to go to dinner with her?

steelgripphoenix · 2021-10-12T00:03:52+00:00

Funny thing is if you leave her alone long enough to miss you, you might get what you want.

letak2018 · 2021-10-12T03:58:26+00:00

That’s not love. That’s unhealthy obsession. You deserve better.

Yesm3can · 2021-10-11T15:43:48+00:00

I will be frank with you, I think you must have some sort of narcissism in you. You might love your soon to be ex-wife, but your respect for her is zero.

You did not take her seriously when she said she needed help. You are not taking her seriously when she now said that she has already moving on.

Do you love your boss at work? Perhaps not. But do you respect him? Well at least you will not pester him if he told you that you are fired.

If you can take your boss' words for yes as a yes and no as a no, how low is your respect must have been for someone to say no and you'd take that no as a maybe.

Please dwell on that.

wrigleyharbor · 2021-10-11T17:39:38+00:00

I’m in a similar spot so reading these posts help. I agree being distant and making them miss you is the only option or hope. It’s just damn hard. Good luck brother hope things get better. But you have to protect yourself too

Jako_Spade · 2021-10-12T03:29:55+00:00

This is cliche but: you MUST learn to let her go and be content being alone ( but not exactly lonely).

Best way to do this is to find hobbies/ work towards something. I always recommend building ur money and exercising. Then try improving ur skills or religion (if ur into that) in ur free time, then you will have less time to be doing this begging.

its not gonna be easy at first, but I know you and many other men in ur shoes can succeed post-divorce once u start focusing on urself

Bloody_hell_Donny · 2021-10-11T17:24:45+00:00

Best way to get over someone old is to get under someone new.

Don’t go looking for love, just go get some strange tail and you’ll feel better about life.

100% if ya’ll aren’t living together she’s already ripped off that band-aid, so to speak.

crypto_keeper88 · 2021-10-11T18:30:16+00:00

You need to emotionally disconnect yourself from her. Get rid of anything that reminds you of her. You need to clean out your closets and scrub her from your life and then move on. See a therapist if that helps you mentally move on. You can try to go on dates just don't get serious with anyone until you are healed and fully moved on. In the meantime just distract yourself with a new hobby or a pet.

SpiritualEnema · 2021-10-11T23:22:23+00:00

So many good comments here. The guy that said that this is somewhat narcissistic behavior is most likely correct too. I have found myself doing this too. Being away from her and the kids hurts. I keep telling myself that I will get more visitation soon anyhow.
I’ve lost weight, gained muscle, advanced at my job, been approached by other women, I just can’t seem to let go of her. Or maybe it’s just the idea of her. She is so angry now. She blames me for everything.
Any other advice on how to cut the cord? I need to go a month or two without talking to her. For my own sanity if nothing else.

Gxl4 · 2021-10-12T05:34:10+00:00

Well, fuck 10 to forget one.

Be safe.

Title	A month later still doing the damn pick me dance
Author	No_Committee8461
Upvotes	8
Comments	24
Date	October 11, 2021 2:37 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/q5x8sn/a_month_later_still_doing_the_damn_pick_me_dance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/a-month-later-still-doing-the-damn-pick-me-dance.1076297 https://theredarchive.com/post/1076297

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