Struggling to Heal

XNjunEar · 2021-10-07T17:08:15+00:00

I would recommend something that seems trivial but has helped me with other problems: spend time most days walking in green areas or among trees, safely. Being in nature has been healing. Walking is too. Baby yourself any chance you get. Get or give yourself a manicure and pedicure. Make facials at home. Wear perfume to bed, even if to watch a movie online. Tiny pampering rituals to tell your body: you matter.

keep_my_stuff · 2021-10-07T16:42:44+00:00

I journalled about our interactions and how I felt. It took a lot of time to question the default thought "Oh, I must have MADE him say/do these things". After being on FDS for some time, and also taking action to cut off friends at the first sign of disrespect, I'm internalizing the message that my first reaction of anger towards disrespect is correct, I have the power to act on it, so, thinking about whether I magically made somebody be disrespectful doesn't even come up. It's when the anger response is blocked that one marinates in whether they could've prevented the disrespect by being more "worthy".

At some point, by remembering bits and pieces of what he did, I saw that his behavior was wildly inconsistent. Saying that he wants to be friends, then acting like I offered him something worthless when I took him at his word and told him what would be needed for us to be friends. Saying he was treating me badly because he hadn't realized that his feelings have changed (when he wanted my pity and forgiveness and couldn't see a way out) and then at another instance (when I showed some self-doubt), piling on my self-doubt and blaming me for not realizing what he himself hadn't realized. When you see that there's no consistency in their actions/words, and they just do and say the things that will let them off the hook more easily, why would you care what somebody with no integrity has to say?

To give a concrete, simple example of my experience: Would somebody who was genuinely supportive towards me improving my apartment by helping me pick out house plants, suddently thow a mantrum when I got a nicer apartment in a good part of town? Or can it be that he was helping me in order to seem nice and get sex, but when I got something nicer than him, he couldn't contain his jealousy (even tho my nicer apartment benefitted him, too).

So yeah, journal about what they said/did at different points in time. And then ask yourself, could somebody who genuinely believes A, also act in way B and say C at a later point in time? If it doesn't make sense, you have a clown in your hands.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-10-07T18:05:18+00:00

I have to say it’s still something I struggle with. I try to stop myself when I get into negative thinking patterns about my last relationship and remind myself that it was him, not me.

Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That has helped me enormously and so has hearing all the similar stories from ladies on this sub.

AdmiralRando · 2021-10-07T21:26:38+00:00

I had to hit rock bottom to leave, too. I distinctly remember getting to the point of thinking, “Even if I AM the ‘complete whore’/‘bad mother’/etc that you keep saying I am, I STILL don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

When I continued hearing his voice in my head long after I had gone no-contact, I would remind myself, “I would never treat anyone the way that he treated me. Ever. What he did was wrong and has no truth in it.”

That helped me to reframe my perspective. It’s been several years now, and if some random thought from him pops in my head now (it doesn’t happen often anymore), I just remind myself that his opinion of me is none of my business.

Platipus6 · 2021-10-07T21:05:47+00:00

You were a good, kind, loving partner. He's an idiot for treating you badly and losing you.

dr_mcstuffins · 2021-10-07T22:32:18+00:00

I’ve been divorced for ten years. Take that in for a second - ten years - and I’m still healing. I experienced something way beyond the average level of trauma and abuse, but it doesn’t really matter. Healing doesn’t have a timeline because it isn’t a line at all. It’s a spiral. As time passes, you’ll come back to the same wounds over and over again throughout the years. You see them through newly mature, more adult eyes. As you heal the outer layers of your onion of trauma, you open up access to the deep, dark repressed ones. You can feel totally healed when wham, something triggers you, and you’re in flashback to a previously repressed memory. As you heal, your system expands and it becomes safer for you to experience distressing emotions - meaning stuff you couldn’t process earlier can come up who knows when in the future simply because you’ve become more regulated. This is actually a sign of healing.

I still have nightmares about he who shall not be named and what happened. I’m 4 years deep in extremely aggressive therapy with a somatic experiencing professional (unmatched for trauma treatment) and I’ve even done time in a partial hospitalization program and intensive outpatient program. I’ve done group and individual therapy and all sorts of modalities from CBT/DBT, to somatic experiencing, to integrative therapies like gardening and music, to shamanic work in my efforts to heal. I also had a nightmarish childhood so keep that in mind, but still - I will never be cured, fully healed, or all better. I will be a work in progress till the day I die.

Be easy with yourself. It takes a bare minimum of half the length of a relationship to grieve it properly, and that’s without abuse and trauma. Don’t give yourself a deadline. Keep up with therapy and reading books about getting better. FDS will really help as well. You’ll be okay.

sammytheforsaken · 2021-10-07T20:15:54+00:00

I recommend therapy. It helped me immensely.

lifesok · 2021-10-08T04:59:28+00:00

There is this song by Lake Street Dive, about playing through mistakes. I’m not sure why, but the message hit home and I realized life is about playing through your mistakes. To be fair, they were talking about missing notes when playing instruments, but isn’t that like life? You played a few cords (or verses) wrong. You don’t put down the instrument, you keep playing. It’s really the only thing we can do. There are definitely things I think, “sh*t! Not doing that again.” But they’re over and tomorrow is another day.

You could also try creating boundaries in your mind. They do this a lot in spots psychologically. You create a trigger, could be anything, that symbolizes the “play” is over. It’s supposed to be about being present, but it helped me a lot in other aspects of my life. Like work- my job is fairly stressful and I was taking a lot of that home. So now I have a small ritual, when I cross the street from my office, the street represents a boundary. I don’t think about work once I’ve crossed the boundary.

Same with my ex. When I started reliving arguments or fights with my ex I made myself yawn. The deep breath helped calm my nervous system and the yawn symbolized how boring he was to think about. It takes time but the point of the boundary was to retrain my thoughts and focus on the present.

Depending on your situation though, therapy is always recommended. I had tried a few therapists before finding one I clicked with. He’s been amazing and his tactic of being dismissive towards my ex, has helped incredibly (he also started the boundary thing). Whenever I began ranting about my ex, he would remind me that my “ex is gone, so what’s the problem?” He was right. The problem is gone, what I need to focus on is retraining my nervous system and thought pattern.

everwonderlust · 2021-10-14T14:07:08+00:00

Therapy therapy therapy. Find a great therapist that will hold you to account. I had to accept that I CHOSE to stay in an abusive relationship. I had to look deep into the wounds that matched me with toxic partners. Some days are good, some days not so good. Don’t expect perfection in this process. It’s ok if it’s messy. Sometimes I just keep playing really good music and dance. I go roller skating. I started reaching out to wonderful people and have some one on one time with new friends. I keep making myself feeling good, making awesome plans for life and it’s getting better every day. I realised that he was aggressive, manic asshole. And I am a source of light and love. He couldn’t make me feel worthy because he is crap. Do not seek for validation from shitty people. Realise that you define your worth and only you. Ask yourself why do you care so much what people think? I forgave myself as a matter of a decision. I knew I wished to see him as better but I had to rip off the rose-coloured glasses. He wasn’t better, he wasn’t my fantasy. He was exactly who he showed me to be. A piece of shit. Write down a list of all the shitty things he’s ever done to you. If I ever miss my ex, I read that list and it straightens me up immediately. I do not miss that piece of shit. He can burn in hell. I meditate on him getting his karma and I release him, and I smile 😊

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Title	Struggling to Heal
Author	arnezuara
Upvotes	90
Comments	20
Date	October 7, 2021 3:54 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/q3c38o/struggling_to_heal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/struggling-to-heal.1076885 https://theredarchive.com/post/1076885

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