How to repair damage I caused by all my lies?

bluesfan16 · 2021-10-28T16:40:17+00:00

He was always special to me and I cannot imagine spending my life with anybody else but him. He has it all, he is a family guy, handsome, I am incredibly attracted to him, sex is the best, we share the same sense of humor, he is incredibly smart and strong.

I flirted with my colleague for about a two months at work, seeking attention, having feelings for him.

Those two statements don’t add up so maybe you were (and possibly still are) lying to yourself as well.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2021-10-28T14:32:44+00:00

Well you dug your own grave.

It's up to him whether he decides he can get over this or not. The only thing you can do is remain as truthful as possible from now on and wait to see if he decides to leave you or not.

semiredpilled · 2021-10-29T09:51:19+00:00

First, let's start by getting and understanding of how this is viewed from a man's perspective. It may help in understanding the implications deeper (before the advice is given).

Whether you like it or not, any man that is a man at all is possessive. This means that he views you as his. In a healthy relationship, his expectations are that you come to him for guidance, stability, protection, safety, etc. In an unhealthy relationship, a guy would be overly jealous and controlling on a freakish level. There are very big differences between the two.

This is important because when men get cheated on they are humiliated in layers. It isn't just the direct humiliation of being deceived and feeling stupid. Another thing we have to acknowledge is that every man has an ego. Whether he deals with that in a healthy way or not is an entirely different discussion, but men have egos and the ego is tied deeply with the sense of ownership, manhood, pride, etc. It may seem meaningless to bring this point up, but trust me, it is relevant.

Men are humiliated by the idea of "his" woman having been with another man. Again the difference in a man's world is that you are his as he should lead you, guide you, support you, protect you. Therefore, when you are at your most vulnerable, you are his to protect. So, when you go astray, if he has been doing "the right thing", whatever that is, it is the ultimate form of humiliation to a man.
It is humiliating if he is ever seen with such a woman because of his ego/pride/manhood. It hurts that he is seen with a woman that he has to look after and protect, but she shares herself freely with other men. All his work, sacrifice, and care is not reciprocated by anything meaningful and everyone knows it. It is beyond demorsalizing.
There are several deeper layers to this, but take it deeper and deeper and unravel the onion layers and you can kind of get an idea that it isn't merely about the trust or lack thereof.

The other thing is lying. Obviously no solid relationship can be built on lies or dishonesty. To a degree, emotional behavior is expected and is ok as long as it is communicated in a calm and healthy way. Where it goes wrong is if it is too emotional (hysteria) or not communicated at all. Then, how could you expect him to support you in the ways you need if you never tell him?

The situation about him not believing you about the moments with a colleague, that is a very tough spot. He should leave, but if you are truly sorry you will want to make up for it somehow. But, there is no chance because you've lost contact with him.

Advice

It seems like you have a small handful of issues you need to deal with. I'd suggest dealing with those, namely whatever self-esteem issues you may have. If I take you at your word and you indeed love this man, then your behavior is self destructive. It hurts him and is obviously hurting you right now. You should figure out why you have self destructive tendencies. After you figure that out, possibly through therapy (as others have suggested), work to resolve those issues.
Next, I would work on your character. The hard truth is that nobody wants a liar around. The behaviour will impact your other relationships if it isn't kept in check.
Do whatever you need to do to become a better person. We all have our flaws. It is how we deal with them that separate the winners from the losers. Losers complain and ignore their flaws. Winners accept themselves as being flawed humans and work to be the best person they can be. It takes work. It isn't easy.

As far as getting him back, there is no guarantee you will. But nothing bad ever comes from putting work in to resolve whatever personal issues you have. Call it self investment. At the very least, the next relationship you have will have a better chance of having a positive story because less issues will exist.

Those_Lingerers · 2021-10-28T13:25:51+00:00

I think this whole community is cringing.

CrazyHorseInvincible · 2021-10-30T22:28:00+00:00

I am stickying this because it's an important question.

I understand the impulse to downvote, and OP certainly has not been on her best behavior, so your negative reaction is perhaps justified.

But allowing this to be buried means not discussing an important issue.

RPW isn't just about how not to be a bad catch, it's also about how to be a better catch when you already screwed up.

Key-Progress-8873 · 2021-10-28T14:07:41+00:00

He probably knew you were lying and giving him the trickle truth as soon as you started. I have no idea if your situation is salvageable at all, but get with your man and have a calm conversation with him, as two adults. As much as the situation is distressing to you, explain why you were acting the way you were and that you strongly regret it and hate the situation it has created. Then say that you are going to have eyes only for your man and not lead other men on and accept their attention. He will expect more than words so think of a way you can show him that you will be his completely. Gives you better chances than him just having to take your word… look at how that went for him.

Anantha1996 · 2021-10-28T14:24:34+00:00

Try r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Change jobs, offer a polygraph test.

aussiedollface2 · 2021-10-28T23:41:00+00:00

I think you need therapy to examine why your relationship with the truth is on such shaky ground

xoxobenji · 2021-10-28T17:52:22+00:00

Wait what? You think to help your lying you need to lying again? I would just sit him down and fess up to everything you did and lied about and then let him know “I know I messed up and I am really sorry but I can’t keep going into circles like this. I’m telling you everything that has happened and I understand it might take some time to digest.” And then leave the ball in his court let him figure it out. You just sit back and really think about why you did all of this and maybe start going to therapy.

girlwithasidecar · 2021-10-28T14:41:05+00:00

Are you still together? Have you asked him what it would take for him to believe you?

DelicateDevelopment · 2021-10-31T08:27:44+00:00

You need to let some time pass. Right now you cannot convince him, because you showed the behaviour of lying for a long time. To read that you even think about lying again and consider falsely admitting to something you didn't do indicates to me that you use lies to avoid conflicts and also probably to get what you want, harmony, attention, etc. and while indeed lies can be used to manipulate relationships and people, the result will not be stable because it is not based on truth and the fundament gets shattered the moment the lies become apparent.

It is not only the betrayal it is also that he probably does not know anymore who you are. He probably doesn't even know anymore if the beautiful moments between the two of you were true.

You need to learn to handle unpleasant emotions that arise from conflicts and different opinions. You need to learn how to be assertive with the things that really matter to you (e.g. the friend who felt like a brother could have been one point to be assertive about, because even RP does not advice entirely against having male friends at all, it always depends on the circumstances) and you need to accept that sometimes you need to give in to something to which you do not 100% agree.

Everything that is based on lies has a very difficult perspective on ever turning solid or real and this is why, as someone else pointed out, lies are self-destructive when used in a relationship with someone whom you love. There can be exceptions in very particular situations, however once a real lie is told it should never be revealed.

I personally struggle with how much about my childhood and past I shall reveal when I meet someone. Even though these things are behind me for many years, I have seen several friendships change because of that. It seems that people cannot handle the cognitive dissonance it creates once I tell them what I have been through and that who I appear to be today is not how I was as a teenager, young adult.

So I know that if I want to have a lasting relationship with anybody then I need to find a way of being truthful with that, because even if in the beginning I would have the right to protect myself and lie, if it will ever turn into something lasting the harm from lying in the beginning can destroy everything.

I found it useful to say something like, it wasn't an easy childhood and I would prefer not to talk about this right now. This is usually well respected, it indicates that something was going on, while at the same time it doesn't reveal any details. Details that should only be revealed once the relationship progresses to something lasting and trustworthy.

So maybe one possibilty for you would be to let people in the future know that something makes you feel uneasy and that you would rather like to avoid that topic in a given moment. I know that this already requires quite some level of assertiveness, but it is still easier than directly being confrontative about things which one does not know how to handle. But at least that way you avoid lying or being misleading in order to escape unpleasant feelings.

With him, you can only excuse once more. Let him know that you understand now how much of a mistake it was to believe that lies could solve anything and that you understand that he cannot believe you anymore and that you respect that and will not try to convince him anymore.

You need to accept that loosing him is the consequence of you lying. You have no possibility to change his mind. The only possiblity that might make him believe you is when he understands that you are not trying to avoid negative consequences for what you did anymore. So the more you try to convince him, the bigger his doubts about you being truthful this time will become, because it is very obvious that you have an interest in wanting to make him believe you.

When people truly understand that they have failed, they will not try to argue anymore or force the other to forgive or believe. They will understand that they have seriously messed up and step back in order to not cause further harm.

malcxavier · 2021-11-09T13:10:49+00:00

Western Women 🤦🏾‍♂️

Lando_620 · 2021-10-28T15:43:43+00:00

I'm not sure if you are in some sort of limbo with him now or what your end goal seems to be. It reads like you want him to move past this and for you guys to get back together. That is a bit delusional, you broke the trust and honestly I don't see why he would take you back. IMO if a woman has an affair it is done. His brain may be trying to put pieces together and sort it out but in all likelihood he knows it is over and just hasn't processed enough to cut you off yet.

If your goal is truly to help him process, just walkaway. Telling him more only appeases you of guilt, it won't do anything for him, as he already knows enough he just has to sort through it.

NotinRedpillBubble · 2021-11-16T20:57:08+00:00

I wish red pill men would admit their mistakes the same way you do …

Sorry I’m probably in the wrong sub

softerandsweeter · 2021-11-27T21:40:03+00:00

In my experience, you're better off both cutting your losses. Men have a harder time forgiving infidelity than women, and it's nearly impossible for him to feel like a man again. As tragic as it is, I think you're better off letting him go and working on yourself so you won't repeat the mistakes again. And on your end you don't want to be with a man who will always see you as a liar, mistrust you, or have other negative feelings towards you. I speak from experience on both ends sadly. Especially if you do not have children to motivate you to stay together. The truth is you didn't respect him when you did this, and it's very hard to overcome that level of disrespect (100% not judging because I have made past mistakes as well). That said, I'd be interested in what Laura Doyle's advice would be when the woman cheats.

Kind_Entertainment_6 · 2021-10-28T15:05:57+00:00

Therapy

pearlsandstilettos · 2021-10-29T10:23:45+00:00

[permanently deleted]

FarAcanthisitta8239 · 2021-10-31T00:37:08+00:00

In the future just never lie, especially to those you love the most. Especially to the friends you care about and have been there for you at your worst. Believe me I have lied to friends before and the guilt the follows is horrendous. I hope that you too can make it work. Maybe it would help if you understand the root cause of why you lie. But please stop putting someone through unnecessary pain. I would decide if you’re going to stop lying to him or end it. Best of luck ❤️

CountTheBees · 2021-11-02T23:42:38+00:00

The guy that you flirted with, the colleague. Is he willing to step in and talk to your husband on your behalf, and tell him nothing physical happened? And apologise for flirting with his wife?

It could blow up in everyone's face. Or it could also save your relationship. You will of course have to quit your job before or immediately after. And you will need to never speak to that colleague again. And you will need to come clean with the colleague about your marriage failure. It's going to absolutely destroy your work image, which is why you'll need to quit. And your husband may not believe you still.

But if he won't believe you, he may believe the other man.

BePrivateGirl · 2021-11-15T21:24:53+00:00

The answer to your problem is difficult…but you have to wait.

You must wait a long time.

Sometimes it will seem that you’ve waited for a really long time but…that wasn’t long enough.

You have to go back and figure out why this started. Possibly you will have an “a-ha moment” and you will think it’s solved…but you still have to wait.

Trust is gained over time. You recently broke his trust. He needs time to get over it.

And it’s not your job to fix the acute stress he’s feeling. It’s your job to never cause it again.

RPslimjim · 2021-11-27T00:47:37+00:00

r/blaze_eternal here is what I’m talking about.

Title	How to repair damage I caused by all my lies?
Author	Icy-Detective3360
Upvotes	34
Comments	46
Date	October 28, 2021 12:57 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/qhmg80/how_to_repair_damage_i_caused_by_all_my_lies/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-repair-damage-i-caused-by-all-my-lies.1081355 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081355

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