Preparing for first holidays alone.

bopapocolypse · 2021-10-25T02:41:14+00:00

Last year was my first separated holidays. I’m not going to lie. It was rough. And this year will probably be rough too. All I can say is hang in there.

dad_bod_cargo_shorts · 2021-10-24T22:39:54+00:00

Don't drink to escape. Be the cool guy who hands out full size candy instead.

Micro_Peanuts · 2021-10-24T23:26:49+00:00

I know exactly what you're going through. At first it's going to be brutal, until you can establish new good memories and traditions (for your kid and when it's just you). There are going to be aspects of the new arrangement that will be worse, but there will be new ones that will, believe it or not, be better. As an example, my first christmas/holidays without my daughter were very hard, since I didn't get to be with her every other year. BUT, in the years where I did get to have her, those years have become even better than before, since I get to have her just to myself, without my ex interfering. The quality time we get to have beat out the prior years where we were all together. The adjusting is the hardest part, but you can do it. On the years where I don't have her, I like to take good care of myself and kind of distract myself with something else I love. For me that ended up being playing Red Dead Redemption 2/online on the Xbox, which I discovered is so much fun it totally sucks me and and distracts me from the fact that I'm not getting to see my kid. I get myself some delicious food, and yeah, enjoy some booze along with it. But anyway, just trust me, you can make new and even better memories in this new arrangement. I just want to say good job being a good father. What's been done to you and your kid is horrible, but you're making the best of it and your kid will appreciate that some day. Another tip I'd throw out there is don't hide from the memories and feelings too much, when they come up, it's really important to process them and grieve over them. Balling my eyes out was so so so important to process and actually feel tons better. Seriously, crying is like a superpower for adapting to the circumstances, so embrace it fully. Wishing you the best bro.

PsychologicalBell995 · 2021-10-25T04:31:22+00:00

You’re not alone

bobbyb503 · 2021-10-25T02:19:41+00:00

Keep your head up. Create and define your own traditions. It gets better.

Jonger1150 · 2021-10-25T11:48:52+00:00

Not only did I have my first holiday without my kids last year....I never left my apartment. Christmas day literally didn't happen for me.

My girlfriend came over and that made it better, we're now living together and she makes all the holidays special.

The first one is tough, but you are free to move on with life as you see fit. This will pass.

dddd912 · 2021-10-25T14:46:53+00:00

I'm about to have the same issue this year, but I feel like I'm ready for it. I know it'll be hard, but I'll at least have my kids in my own apartment for Christmas Day. She wants Halloween and Thanksgiving, and her family and I have never gotten along so I let her have those. After dealing with her excessive need to constantly use social media for six years to the point of her ignoring our kids, bills, and even me I am looking forward to some time for myself. It's all about perspective. I will probably get back into PC gaming so I can play with my brothers again maybe I'll actually be able to finish my Civic! Godspeed and good luck to you sir.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-10-25T15:01:12+00:00

Spend the first year after divorce to create new rituals with your kids. It's time to celebrate life with them, not wallow in your misery at the bottom of a bottle. I get that it's tough -- I went through it too. But here I am four years later and the kids love doing holidays with me, with our own spin on it.

BlessedAFx777 · 2021-10-25T19:54:30+00:00

“ I think I’m going to get out of Dodge and drink my face off somewhere instead.”

Don’t do it, go to gym instead.

talkstomuch2020 · 2021-10-25T01:32:14+00:00

12 step program. Download the meeting guide app. Just go to meetings even if you don't have a drinking problem. These people saved my life.

Mundane-Hamster5301 · 2021-10-25T05:32:43+00:00

Nahhhh. Drinking is a waste of money and time and won't change anything. Here's what I did: For Halloween, I bought a shit ton of candy to give away, carved a pumpkin for my porch, BBQ'ed a rack of ribs with all the fixin's), and watch SF movies. For Thanksgiving, I went to a friend's house (I made some Bourbon Bread Pudding to take over), and for Christmas, I bought one of those shiny, aluminum trees, and put it it up in my living room. The kids came over the next day. The point of these exercises was to celebrate on my own and you know what? It wasn't bad. In fact, I celebrated a lot with my friends. You can't unbreak your marriage but what you can do is re-invent yourself as a single man. It's kinda fun, IMO. The kids will adapt and your new space will be your space. Just don't get married again. Peace, my brother. Buy your own fucking tree.

Awakeningof17 · 2021-10-25T19:30:45+00:00

Do not sit and reminisce about the good times, shared Christmas Trees and ornament exchanges. What about the times when she would only lift her nose from her mobile phone to bark orders at you? You remember no matter how much you did for her, it was never enough? Walking on egg shells? I could go on and on but I'm sure you can relate.

Going out of town to get sh*t faced? Great idea, I'm sure that will help with your depression.... you should avoid alcohol for the foreseeable since it appears you are in the raw stages of accepting your new reality.

How about having a healthy and productive holiday period? Work on your fitness and any projects you've been putting off. Get a second job to help pass your spare time and pay any debts you have?

You didn't ask for this, none of us did. But these are the cards we've been dealt. I know it's tough, but you need to think about the kids and show them you can handle the situation.

Adreamdead · 2021-10-25T03:26:08+00:00

My wife left me on Christmas Day. So Christmas was rough the past few years. It was the best thing that ever happened to me though. Drinking causes depression. Hit the gym instead. Meet a little gym slute.

crunx22 · 2021-10-24T23:43:06+00:00

I’ve thought about drinking many times to overcome the despair, it works but it’s a sad reality. It’s only numbing you, it heals nothing. It becomes a habit that takes over and destroys you, the divorce and pain associated with it is nothing compared to what that habit can do to you. I’m not saying do not drink, we all need to relax occasionally but looking to it as a coping mechanism is asking for more destruction.

Strength to you.

dadmacintosh · 2021-10-25T01:58:49+00:00

Drinking your sorrow away is not smart. Look at the long game. It is painful, I get it. I am getting ready to face the same scenario with my kids, whose mother is bpd (I suspect). If you have family, spend time with them. If you don’t drive out of town and go for a hike. Do call you kid for the holiday. That’s important. Next year will be easier.

mrk177 · 2021-10-25T03:28:19+00:00

Don’t drink, think of how you could make it special for the kids. You don’t have the kids for Halloween what can you do for yourself in this time? There’s plenty of time before and after to make Halloween special for those kids that don’t include wallowing in your self pity. The harder you get for them the better you will feel about yourself.

Imaginary_Spinach_43 · 2021-10-25T11:53:13+00:00

I'm actually looking forward to spending the holidays alone. I'll get to see my son, but I don't have to deal with the Christmas bullshit, her throwing a holiday party every year, all the decorating, which fell on me, no more fluffing the tree or putting up lights. Being a host to a bunch of narcissistic leaches, Fuck Christmas!

I'll do what I want this year. Eventually, I have my own traditions, but so so relieved I don't have to deal with that bullshit anymore. I am so looking forward to not celebrating any holidays for a full year. Fuck that bullshit. I will do what I want. I'm not getting sucked in by corporate marketing or buying shit nobody needs. Merry Fucking Christmas Y'all

elduderino197 · 2021-10-26T00:42:44+00:00

Join the club man...it's almost like i wrote this. Drinking wont solve shit though. Been there. I have an EPIC steam library that takes me out of reality on a daily basis.

Anyway, I saw this post. It's basically me. I don't really have much advice, It's my first (and last time).

Take care man.

Title	Preparing for first holidays alone.
Author	fixingmedaybyday
Upvotes	21
Comments	27
Date	October 24, 2021 10:07 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/qf2f6g/preparing_for_first_holidays_alone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/preparing-for-first-holidays-alone.1082029 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082029

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