things from the past are tarnishing my boyfriend's image

pearlsandstilettos · 2022-11-07T15:52:34+00:00

Hi Everyone,

Let's put an end to the "yes you are right to lose attraction" comments. OP, attraction cannot be negotiated and if you are losing respect you will probably lose the relationship. It is ok to break up if you no longer respect your partner.

Ok, now that has been said, if you don't have advice that will HELP the OP wrap her head around this then move on to another thread. All of the commiserating and moralizing isn't doing anything other than push the needle towards a break up. We should at least be giving the OP strategies to consider beyond breaking up...which is an obvious strategy.

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2022-11-07T15:31:46+00:00

I don't want to judge him over something that happened almost 10 years ago, and I don't want to throw out a good relationship for this... but I am looking down on him right now and it's hard to deal with that.

You can definitely judge his character and morals based on what he did then and how he views it now. Prostitution in some places is more like sex slavery than sex work.

Let's not kid ourselves, sex tourism doesn't exactly include checking the workers' conditions to make sure you're not exploiting sex slaves. You go there perfectly ok with the idea of raping someone who can't even say no.

I think now, what makes a real difference is if he's actually ashamed and acknowledges that, or if he's using the "boys will be boys" excuse to justify it and cover his shame. It's not only about what he did 10 years ago, it's also about what he thinks now.

Have you told him what you think?

hannita · 2022-11-07T06:24:24+00:00

Look I think the female instinct is strong for a reason. Trust your gut. easier said than done cause some people brush it up as just being emotional. I don't think you are. this is something that happened and it shows you a reckless side of him. It's important to figure this stuff out before you make a serious decision like marriage. I know women who ignored one two many small incidences like this only to be stuck with a man they later found they didn't like all that much.

I think it is a major red flag, I would be questioning it and I think I would leave. Don't just chalk this up as being emotional. its not.

oyelga · 2022-11-07T04:52:16+00:00

You're not wrong in feeling this way. That is disturbing. When my ex slept with some girl his friend had slept with too & is an Instagram thirst-trap, I lost so much respect for him. I know men have a different view of sex but I think the kind of woman a man seeks to conquer is a direct representation of his own valuation. A quote in one of my favorite books, Atlas Shrugged, comes to mind:

“A man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions.... He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer--because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”

Teacup000 · 2022-11-07T19:57:21+00:00

Perhaps it's worth considering the fact that he's chosen to stay away from this after experiencing it.

My husband, before we dated, had done things I would never do and supported industries I don't like. Here's how I can look past it:

For one thing, I try to accept that he can have different morals than me. I can still admire him for how he adheres to his own code of conduct.

For another thing, we're on the same page about those topics now and on how to raise the kids regarding them. I tend to be more rigid and a bit of an absolutist, so I feel more comfortable picturing raising teens with someone who is accepting of falling into temptation. My husband can communicate what's alluring about these things and how it doesn't outweigh the downsides. I know he'll love the kids and continue to advise them well when they stray from what we want for them.

throwawayisathing · 2022-11-07T12:58:34+00:00

I think most of the commenters here lack empathy. You said it yourself, it fuels your insecurity and it disgusts you because you are conservative. The best thing to do here i to communicate. Tell him you found it kind of disgusting and you can't get the image out of your mind. He obviously trusts you with something he's a little bit ashamed of, use that trust to expand your own worldview. Get to know him better, why did he do it? If he could go back would he have done it again? Did he consider the working conditions? Clarify to him if you do not wish to know anything about the intimate details so he doesn't by accident tell you. If you then can't get over it, don't waste his or your own time. I do understand that this is something that is very hard to forget, I wouldn't like it either. But I would seriously consider if it was worth throwing out my 3 year relationship because of something he did before he met you. 10 YEARS AGO. I know this sub is very conservative, but men who sleep with prostitutes are not by default bad men.

Strixt · 2022-11-07T17:00:10+00:00

Your feelings are understandable and warranted.

I would like to point out the courage he took to bring this up. You mentioned he brought it up out of the blue. You mentioned he felt bad and sad.

I think he trusts you so much he needed to get this off his chest. He may feel as you do. He possibly needed a shoulder to rely on. He may want to move past that part of his life that is dragging him down.

Lots of men regret having casual sex. Not just women regret it. It is often meaningless and just like porn can hurt future relationships.

Him opening up could be a sign of him growing, trusting you, wanting to pair bond and be a better person.

I guess I would try and put yourself in his shoes so too speak. If you were a women who did 50-100 guys in the course of being at university. Would you possibly regret it? Would your boyfriend feel disgusted? Would you need to talk about it to move past the damage it may have caused to have such casual sex that in the end was meaningless and wasn’t worth it?

marissa_ds · 2022-11-07T19:13:53+00:00

Trying to help you wrap your head around it: the most important part is that you keep open communication with him about this and of course that he totally knows it's NOT acceptable and he understands your viewpoint. The fact he shared it with you is positive, so you have to keep communication on those sensitive issues going.

Also, NOT to justify, but so you could try to understand (not to justify him). In this situation, I think it's more of a 'group thinking' than an 'individual thinking' kind. People do wrong things when in a group. Recently, I talked to parents as their kids were bullying (in group) a child (nothing physical, btw), and none of them believed their child would do it, but we got it down to the leader of the group being a bully. So I think it's this situation, and also men acting similar to porn-consumption, where they don't get the bad parts of the industry.

Again, to me the most important part is to make sure he has changed his ways and that you can trust him to do the right thing now and in any future situations.

AutoModerator · 2022-11-07T01:27:07+00:00

Title: things from the past are tarnishing my boyfriend's image

Full text: I am 29, he is 34. We are together for almost 3 years, the last 2 of them long distance meeting every other month, we discussed marriage once I can move back to his country (in a year or so, due to work reasons), but there isn't any official proposal or anything. I am fine with that, since he is from North Europe and it's the norm there that those things take long time.

I always looked up to him, and this was something very important for me in a partner. I really desire someone I can admire, and he check this in so many ways. Our relationship is really good, and I feel really content with that, and that's why I'm putting up with he long distance.

However, recently, we were talking about a couple of trips he took to Asia years ago (way before we met) with friends and he mentioned visits to brothels and even using prostitutes. I'm not even sure how we arrived at this, and he mentioned it as something he was half-ashamed of doing but still somewhat a fun "boys" things.

I couldn't say anhything but this disturbed me. I'm not sure about my position on prostitution, but the whole sex tourism thing disgusted me. And it creates such a poor image of him to me, the stereotype of man who does this kind of thing is quite negative and I'm associating it with him and I feel so bad.

I keep imagining him in a bit of disgusting way, he is very tall and kind of big and white, with some poor small asian girl who probably didn't want to be in this situation. And I feel mad at him, and I feel so sorry for her... It's bad in my head.

It also feeding some insecurity that he may be with me because he likes something "exotic", while I'm European too, I'm from the South of Europe. This was just some dormant insecurity I kept because I feel strange to be with someone who is different from me, and in a country I stand out so much.

I don't want to judge him over something that happened almost 10 years ago, and I don't want to throw out a good relationship for this... but I am looking down on him right now and it's hard to deal with that.

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brushshstrokes · 2022-11-08T01:24:54+00:00

You want to marry a HVM. You want to stay married to a HVM.

If so, you must accept that these are the kinds of things HVM have done in their pasts. Similar to how all men watch porn. No women like it, but we understand that it's more likely that our men do this to satisfy their male nature rather than anything nefarious. Engaging with prostitutes, while scummy and even beta, still falls under the general category of "men doing stupid things because they like sex"

He probably wasn't thinking about the sex trade when he did it, either, in the same way you or I don't think about animals being ripped apart limb from limb when we eat meat, even though technically it happens every time we eat meat. A man who is against prostitution would be like a sexual vegan. Most people aren't vegans.

If you still feel bad after reading this, I get it. It does suck. It's good you struggle to accept this because that's a reflection of your strong moral values.

But do you want to be moral, or to be loved?

TUFFHED-THE_original · 2022-11-13T22:43:07+00:00

Briefly. Amsterdam, while back. I saw a prostitute in a shop. She was georgeous. Hot she was, perfect figure, beautiful face and more attractive than my gf at the time. Actually, she had such a beauty that it didn't make sense. Confusing. I could of had her, no way gf would ever find out. Didn't go for it. A turn on, but not to my taste. Not against people who enjoy prostitutes. A strong desire. I get it. He told you. Why? He hopes that you will run.

eyes_beyond_the_void · 2022-11-07T20:33:39+00:00

Your man needs to learn that there’s a difference between men and women when it comes to how we approach sex. Men are not as emotionally attached to sex as women are. Also, in today’s age it is much harder for men to get sex due to hypergamy. He needs to realize that what he had done before was completely natural for a male. As for your view on sex, that is also completely natural. Women invest a lot more into the reproductive process due to child-bearing, so women typically would rather have sex with only one partner. Due to all of this, women are very picky when it comes to who they have sex with. Women strive for a quality man and men strive for a large quantity of women. It should actually worry you that he has this sort of vulnerability since he isn’t being as masculine as he should, and you shouldn’t try to help him too much with this since you’ll just lose respect for him in the long run.

Vampsgold · 2022-11-07T13:03:09+00:00

A lot of the girls in Asia are under age aswell and punished unless they act like it’s pleasurable. I would absolutely not be able to stay with a man who had done this or who had friends who were doing this. I’d never respect him and like you, I’d be disgusted.

It shows alot about his character. It shows that he’s weak with peer pressure so he’s potentially not someone you can trust to stay strong in a marriage and he’s fine with using vulnerable women in this way. Yuck yuck yuck.

harperfairy · 2022-11-14T01:03:00+00:00

I think my best advice to you that’s not “dump him” is to try and gage where he’s at with it now. What does he think about the sex tourism industry today? What are his views on prostitution and the whole sex industry? Does he regret it at all?

IMO this is a pretty serious issue that it’s important to be on the same page as. I personally am anti prostitution and anti porn and made sure my husband didn’t engage in either of those prior to marrying him. However I understand not everyone holds that viewpoint hence why I’m saying to see where he stands today on the topic.

So I think you should have that conversation. Try your best to be as level headed as you can and don’t get emotional or raise your voice, because it’s such a touchy subject. If he truly feels remorseful and ashamed of his behavior, analyze from there whether or not you have a chance. And you need to trust your intuition to see if you can really be with this guy.

I will say though I think the fact that he brought it up casually like “it’s just something men do” is a bit of a red flag which tells me he’s completely fine with it. But of course that’s just from me reading your story and I wasn’t there. So it’s up to you to find out… please keep us updated and let me know if you need any more advice

AutoModerator · 2022-11-14T20:08:07+00:00

Title: things from the past are tarnishing my boyfriend's image

Full text: UPDATE

Thank you for the advice. I talked with him on Friday and it was good.

Before, it wasn't something we talked in depth, he talked about it because we are planning a trip and I mentioned it would be different to go there with me instead of his friends, because he went to this same place with his friends a couple of times. He agreed and mentioned it, and I changed the subject because I felt uncomfortable but he didn't even noticed it was something bugging me (we are long distance).

It was a error to not discuss it right away because it gave room to my insecurity grow, and I created a scenario that was worse than reality... at least we finally could address it, and I was able to do it in a more calm way and I am happy I got advice here to help me guiding this conversation (and to also validate my worry, because I was scared if it was just a big overreaction).

He owned what he did, and he was able to be critical about it... and also explain why he was so casual about it in our prior talk. And he was very open to talk about it, his values and everything.

I never thought this was a reason to break up, since it was something that happened a decade ago and I am sure he changed now but I was afraid about how I could recover the image of him – and this image issue was actually something that could be a breaking point since valuing my man in a high position is important for me.

So we talked, and I feel good about him again. And that's basically all. I wanted to edit here to stress how important is to communicate with your partner, to work with them together and not let negativity grow and impact your relationship.

____________________________

I am 29, he is 34. We are together for almost 3 years, the last 2 of them long distance meeting every other month, we discussed marriage once I can move back to his country (in a year or so, due to work reasons), but there isn't any official proposal or anything. I am fine with that, since he is from North Europe and it's the norm there that those things take long time.

I always looked up to him, and this was something very important for me in a partner. I really desire someone I can admire, and he check this in so many ways. Our relationship is really good, and I feel really content with that, and that's why I'm putting up with he long distance.

However, recently, we were talking about a couple of trips he took to Asia years ago (way before we met) with friends and he mentioned visits to brothels and even using prostitutes. I'm not even sure how we arrived at this, and he mentioned it as something he was half-ashamed of doing but still somewhat a fun "boys" things.

I couldn't say anhything but this disturbed me. I'm not sure about my position on prostitution, but the whole sex tourism thing disgusted me. And it creates such a poor image of him to me, the stereotype of man who does this kind of thing is quite negative and I'm associating it with him and I feel so bad.

I keep imagining him in a bit of disgusting way, he is very tall and kind of big and white, with some poor small asian girl who probably didn't want to be in this situation. And I feel mad at him, and I feel so sorry for her... It's bad in my head.

It also feeding some insecurity that he may be with me because he likes something "exotic", while I'm European too, I'm from the South of Europe. This was just some dormant insecurity I kept because I feel strange to be with someone who is different from me, and in a country I stand out so much.

I don't want to judge him over something that happened almost 10 years ago, and I don't want to throw out a good relationship for this... but I am looking down on him right now and it's hard to deal with that.

Edit: Not sure if worth mentioning, but I am somewhat conservative regarding sex and I had only two sexual partners, him includes. Both in long term relationships. I didn't expect the same from him, and I know he was more casual about it but still.

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2023-04-24T18:20:50+00:00

He’s probably a pedophile

Title	things from the past are tarnishing my boyfriend's image
Author	oyelga
Upvotes	28
Comments	52
Date	November 7, 2022 1:27 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/yo8wps/things_from_the_past_are_tarnishing_my_boyfriends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/things-from-the-past-are-tarnishing-my-boyfriends.1137811 https://theredarchive.com/post/1137811

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