50/50 custody??

AudreyTooTwo · 2023-05-22T17:59:07+00:00

She wants 70/30 ... because she says I haven’t been an involved dad

This isn't legal help. But I'll offer a talking point that might help. I hear this argument all the time: that if dad spends less time with the kids than the mom during the marriage, then it NATURALLY follows that this pattern should continue in divorce.

I say it's bullshit. And here's why. Marriage is never exactly 50/50 down to every little detail. Marriage is a complex collaboration of power, responsibility, and entitlements. It's like Ying and Yang but far more entangled. One person earns more. One plans more. One dreams more. One is more financially prudent than the other. One is thinking of the near-term. One is thinking of the future. And so on.

What is divorce? In this context, it's the sudden disentanglement and de-collaboration of the entire dynamic. Divorce changes EVERYTHING. Not only in tangibles (sex, money), but non-tangibles (the long-term dreamer suddenly becomes the near-term planner, for example). Divorce is a giant reset button.

So, I conclude that, even if a dad was the lesser caregiver during the marriage, he is perfectly entitled in a divorce to totally re-evaluate his priorities in life. If that includes more time with his kids, and less time at work, that should be his freedom to choose. He is now at a greater risk of totally losing what's left of his family. Of course he can change.

End of rant, thanks for listening. It just drives me fucking nuts when women use this argument, that they can pick and choose which family dynamics should and shouldn't change after a divorce.

Noodletrousers · 2023-05-22T11:32:07+00:00

In about an hour and a half lawyers offices will open. I suggest you contact as many as possible and get consultations as soon as you can. Each state varies for support, custody, etc. The trend in many states is 50/50 default, but your old lady can easily make any allegation she wants to skew the time in her favor if you don’t act quickly. Good luck.

jimsmythee · 2023-05-22T14:31:14+00:00

I was able to get 50/50 custody only because my now exwife had a recent conviction for "DUI with kids in the car" and she had jail time. She was driving high as a kite on pills when she crashed into the back of a pick up truck.

donkeykong64123 · 2023-05-22T11:45:14+00:00

So should assets be split 70/30 because she hasn't been involved making money and paying bills? You were the provider, so of course you had less time to be a caregiver/parent, but you are still there for your kids, just not as much as a stay at home mother in comparison. Divorce opens up the opportunity to be more involved. Equal asset split. Equal custody/parenting time split.

While caregiving and parenting duties can be overwhelming and not easy at times, it doesn't mean you are incapable. So what if you haven't been the main caregiver. You have been a parent nonetheless.

Speak to a divorce lawyer ASAP. Document any instances of you parenting and helping around the house. Could be small things too. Anything you can use to dispute the "father never helped with anything" argument 99% women try to pull during divorce.

SweatySpecialist · 2023-05-22T13:08:47+00:00

Do as a poster recommended and get a lot of opinions, the best ones do not always do free consults but will spare you an hour for a few hundred. It’s worth it. Your kind of case puts the crosshairs on you as you’ll be a cash cow for the state (Title IV-D federal matching) if she gets full custody. You only get one chance to get this right, nearly all temporary orders become permanent orders.

Head-Adhesiveness113 · 2023-05-22T23:22:12+00:00

I always read 50/50 should be the hill to die on. My question is…..will I die on that hill? If this goes before a judge, will I actually get the 50/50? How often do men actually succeed?

david10277 · 2023-05-22T15:51:02+00:00

Doesn't matter if you work and she doesn't

50 / 50 custody should be your default position Her lawyers will conjure up more stories to they and change that.

Stick with 50/50

Children need to see there dad 50 % of time . Simple as that.

Majestic_Island5286 · 2023-05-22T17:25:18+00:00

Dealing with the same situation. Why is it a fight for 50/50? Should be standard barring valid reasons. Being a SAHM is not a valid reason to get more parental time after divorce. They will no longer be a SAHM.

jkw118 · 2023-05-22T18:37:39+00:00

So most states/counties want 50/50 the only real reason to go to something else is because one parent has "issues" that causes them not to have 50%.. Or if one parent doesn't want it, or they are unable to because of work.

But it's all about compromises etc. my ex left I could have taken a job paying 2-3x what I make but I can leave work whenever and take care of anything the kids need time wise. Including working from home when needed.

My ex has issues and she gets like 25% that being said, you should be able to get 50/50 just show your capable, and their's no gaurantee that she will get the house either. I will say you should get yourself involved in those appointments. I deal with all of them for my kids...

Throwaway4120213 · 2023-05-22T22:04:00+00:00

You need a lawyer ASAP. Tell your lawyer and her 50:50 is the hill you are dying on.

How roles are split during a marriage to maximize utilize for the joint household is NOT how roles are split post divorce. What may have worked as a married couple with you being the primary breadwinner and her the primary caretaker doesn’t mean that’s what works as a divorce couple. In fact - 50/50 custody is becoming the presumed default best interest for kids.

But this assumes you don’t roll over and cave so get a lawyer.

Nobody-941 · 2023-05-22T23:33:11+00:00

You will have to take on some of the roles that your ex did when the kids are with you but it's not quantum physics, you will learn. The interesting part isn't that it's just the mechanics and logistics, but how you nurture too. You will have to also be a bit of a mother during your time as well.

You can handle it. Don't listen to your wife. Go get your kids, they need you.

Mark_Foureh · 2023-05-23T11:24:04+00:00

at least here in MI, if you work the child support calculator, the difference in child support payments between 70/30 and 50/50 is HUGE. i'm fighting for 50/50 mainly because i can't afford 70/30! i'll be paying like 1300 a month vs like 600 a month with 50/50.

Title	50/50 custody??
Author	Head-Adhesiveness113
Upvotes	7
Comments	28
Date	May 22, 2023 10:52 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13onhvn/5050_custody/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/5050-custody.1219983 https://theredarchive.com/post/1219983

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