How to beat the feeling that you lost the best thing you've ever had?

Reflog1791 · 2023-06-16T01:03:23+00:00

Go from decent shape to epic shape. Get buff. No steroids or anything crazy just tank up in the gym. As far as being short, I’ve seen thousands of dime pieces with a short confident guy. Sure some women may not like it just like some women don’t like white guys.

As far as “sharing your life with someone special”, you need to learn a lesson from your quick whirlwind marriage. These hos are everywhere. They are never yours, it’s just your turn (from the rational male). Ponder it.

SpiritualEnema · 2023-06-16T00:21:37+00:00

She is ONE OF A MILLION dude, NOT ONE IN A MILLION. Big difference. Don’t put women on pedestals. They hate that shit and resent you for not leading in the relationship. Everyone wants what they can’t have, and that’s doubly true for women. They are just as fucked up (if not more so) as we are.

Work on yourself. Physically, mentally, etc. Use that chip on your shoulder to make yourself better. Eventually she will come crawling back to you, although by that point you won’t want her anymore.

Just thank your lucky stars that you don’t have kids together.

captainchippsixx · 2023-06-16T03:41:43+00:00

What caught my attention is “controlling”. Can you be more specific on that, because that is a term a cheater throws out there when there is a lot of girls nights, girls trips, etc .

Electronic-Purple293 · 2023-06-16T02:10:14+00:00

I was divorced in 1985 and remarried in 1987 and still going well. Things were simpler then, though. I wasn't looking for a LTR when I met my second wife and it wasn't fireworks. But within 6 months I was leaving clothes at her apartment and at one year we were engaged. If I required that I get the tingles, I would have passed on her and missed the most important person in my life. I didn't expect to be remarried so quickly, but it felt right. I was her first, so I didn't have to deal with her making comparisons and looking for something better. She brings me peace, which is all any man wants.

throwaway146368 · 2023-06-16T08:37:58+00:00

My wife is currently leaving me and we have two children. For me it hurts so bad because I want nothing more to keep our family together. However there is nothing I can do to make that happen. So for now I'm finding comfort in the idea that I tried everything, I'm a good father and husband. If she wants to ruin her life then so be it. I don't care about all the stuff that we have together, I'll still get to see my kids and that's all that matters. If we didn't have kids this would be a million times easier. You are still young and will find someone new. I'm turning 35 and to be honest kinda looking forward to eventually finding some who will appreciate me for me. Not the constant unhappiness, shit talking and sexlessness that she turned our marriage into. Remember you can't make her love and stay with you. No matter how much you flail and try to save it, it will just push her further away. I know how much this hurts because I'm currently going through it. Our meditation appointment is Monday. Get a therapist and work your stuff out, it helps tremendously. Start doing stuff for you again. Good luck.

Noodletrousers · 2023-06-16T01:34:14+00:00

You’re willing to look at yourself and claim your share of what happened. That’s huge as most people will never get there and perpetually blame others for everything.

Step one. Stay calm. Before writing or speaking to her, take a deep breath and if possible, never respond to an email or other communication for at minimum five minutes, but give it a day if you can. Often, a lot of avoidable errors occur at the very beginning of a split because emotions are so high and intense. Take your time whenever you communicate with her.

From there, continue to put one foot in front of the other everyday and find support however feels most comfortable to you, but she’s not the one to go to for that support anymore. Also try to avoid dumping all of this on friends and family too often. Nothing wrong with letting those closest to you know what’s going on, but don’t expect them to be your emotional tampons.

Good luck and come back here. It’s an amazing group of dudes.

Mesothelioma1021 · 2023-06-16T02:56:39+00:00

Going through the same shit bro. I’ve only been married 8 months too. Even after I discovered she was having an affair, I initially blamed myself. I heard the same thing, “I thought things would get better after the wedding”…I didn’t know things were bad. I’ve been the same guy for almost 7 years, she just got bored.

I’d get over being short. My best friend is 5’5 and has never had issues dating very attractive women, but he keeps himself in tip too shape.

No_Application_2807 · 2023-06-16T06:28:53+00:00

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Sounds like you have your own issues and it’s causing issues between you two?

Are you two moved out yet? Is anything official?

If she’s leaving you have 8 months from marriage, im assuming she was thinking about it before. They just don’t randomly think about it, usually it’s a few years that the idea is pondering.

Have you two tried marriage counseling. Divorce sucks and is hard. Your 28, you are young. But I would try everything possible before you two call it quits.

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2023-06-16T08:56:26+00:00

You seem very self aware and are able to look at your part in events . Use that going forward to work on yourself and if in the medium future you decide to try again use what you learned to improve outcomes.

That said - (most) Woman are very damaged Children that will not hesitate to take you and your existence down for Feeelingz/ mental reasons with the full support of society and law and take Zero ownership for their actions.

Work on yourself , find therapy if needed then move on ! Treat it like “your dog died” it’s sad and tragic but it was one of Billions once ready get a new one .. or a cat or a woman. Enjoy your freedom ! Hugs 🤗

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-06-16T11:48:42+00:00

Dude. You are too young. There are LOTS of other women.

Having a toxic woman that is “out of your league” might stroke your ego in the short term, but it will destroy your soul in the long term.

We are all programmed to crave and succumb to beautiful women but take it from this group that there is no one woman on this planet that is worth fucking your life over for.

xosto · 2023-06-16T02:32:34+00:00

You wouldn't get to where you are today if it wasn't for your past and it sounds like you accept a lot of responsibility for what you've done and it's like you're trying to work on it.

Great work on your flaws but don't internalize the story that your fundamentally unlovable or bad or whatever you want to call it these are just things that you told yourself and that's how you acted and if you could change those thoughts and beliefs then you can change your actions.

Terms of losing someone and wishing they would give you more chances and all of that... Sometimes you're the cause for the breakup and sometimes you're not And even if you were perfect by any objective standard she could still find a reason to leave you for some other thing.

Based on your logic if you corrected all your behaviors and she loved you she would come back to you but she's not a perfect person and it's not a fair world that we live in and so that's why she's walking away even if you are capable of changing and even if you do change and even if she sees it she had a good time and you both had good times even if they will deny it they were probably a good times in your marriage that's why it lasted so long and now you're 20s are coming to a close and you're ready for your thirties and there's a lot of opportunity available to you to use this relationship to grow and be a different person. I mean you're still you I'm talking about the version of you that holds on to more productive thoughts and emotions and makes better decisions.

Again the past version of you is necessary to get to the present and the presence necessary to get to the future but accept your situation except that these circumstances some of which are under your control some of which are not are going to happen and whatever you can put into your control you're going to feel a lot better about it and if you think it's your actions that cause this then fix those and you're going to feel a lot better about this even if she's not a part of your life.

This longing that you have for her is normal and natural it's part of the bonding that happens in these long-term relationships.

Who knows You may find your way back to her after many years or she may find her way back to you and you two will be probably different people at that point and if not if you do a lot of work on yourself and improve then you will find someone better than her even if you thought she was out of your league she was never because people don't exist in this hierarchy that you talk about.

They really don't that reflects another unhelpful story that you're telling yourself there's no person who is going to say I am in this league I'm dropping down a few leagues to go marry someone If they have that type of mentality then your whole marriage was a farce it wasn't even real. If you hold that mentality and you held that mentality throughout your mirrors then even if you weren't controlling or whatever it might be that could have been the very reason why there were so many unhelpful things that contributed to the demise of your relationship.

Is other people are said here people are just people no one is better or worse than you and all the validation that people get from others attraction and physical appearance and comments and all of that none of that matters when it's just two people together and all that noise is shut down. When you and whoever your future partner is lie naked in bed together each one of you is going to be thinking things and feeling things and experiencing things and the more present you are and a healthier the stories are that you tell yourselves the less of that pedestal League too good for me best thing in my life all that's going to go out the door and you're just going to accept them for who they are.

Think about it telling somebody you're the best thing to ever happen to me how does that make that person feel?

If a woman told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her I might temporarily feel a sense of satisfaction but there would be a part of me saying really? How can I be the best cuz I don't think I'm the best thing to have happen to anyone I'm just a person there's people better than me so you really think I'm the best? And I mean if they really mean it that comes across as a little desperate. I'm not going to lie that is a thought that would cross my mind and it's definitely a thought that crosses the minds of women.

That's not denying the fact that as a man you are going to be attracted to women and there is a energy about them that's undeniable The curves the face the symmetry the smell the softness all of those things put together with the right personality context just comes together as something that is very enjoyable. But be really careful to be in a place where that drink is the only thing you can have.

Because they can feel that and that's why a lot of men end up in sexless marriages because they keep pestering for that and as much as many women want to keep giving it they don't want to be relied upon to fill this need

Alatornio · 2023-06-16T04:12:36+00:00

You seem to know where you went wrong... and maybe it was your attitude. But you are 28 years old. You have so much to look forward to.

If anything you can learn from this and level up as a man.

To be honest looking at your ages good chance your relationship isnt done. I bet she will take you back yet.

idiskfla · 2023-06-16T12:01:40+00:00

Something you have going for you is you’re really young still. I’m in a similar boat but 20 yrs older, have health issues, also really short. I know I’ll never find someone like my ex (who cheated on me, and I’ve accepted that.) I prob need to move overseas since dating as a 46m 5’4” Cambodian in the USA is rough.

I guess my point is, you have plenty of time and resources to find someone better than her. I have no doubts about this. Just be clear in what you’d do differently, and don’t repeat the same mistakes twice (being insecure, etc.). You’ve gotta fix that before you can date again. But not gonna lie, dating has helped me heal a bit too (but I haven’t been looking for a LTR or ONS). Just getting out there again since I’ve gotten so uncomfortable and anxious around women after my ex bailed.

Inupout · 2023-06-17T08:21:17+00:00

You fucked up improve and find a different person you like

Title	How to beat the feeling that you lost the best thing you've ever had?
Author	CLandMan1123
Upvotes	22
Comments	28
Date	June 15, 2023 11:59 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14ahlv6/how_to_beat_the_feeling_that_you_lost_the_best/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-beat-the-feeling-that-you-lost-the-best.1222456 https://theredarchive.com/post/1222456

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