Maybe for a pick-me-up, maybe to see what was there, maybe for a "meh, I could fuck that if I had to". It's been a year since the separation. The divorce has been awful and my TBX is making it as expensive and damaging as possible for me and the kids. Just this week I got the motion to modify custody, and I'll probably eventually lose.

99% of Tinder is shit I couldn't stand. The few likes I got were barely passable and/or didn't go anywhere (I can't imagine I compete well). Fine. I'd reached a point where I didn't need the pick up and doubted that there was anything fuckable out there anyway. I've lived off porn for over a decade now anyway.

Then my alt/punk rock girl that I always wanted but was too straightlaced to ever attract super liked me. In a day that attraction ripped open--she's my intellectual equal, like she knows my thoughts, and no, she's not saying what I want to hear cause I have some weird shit in my head. We're both dealing with our divorces, but she's further along. Now we're having phone sex and figuring out how to get together since we live a flight apart.

Pent up lust? I haven't kissed a woman in years, my TBX was disgusting before the divorce and I tried to regain some connection through the worst sex Al Bundy could never have imagined to no avail for years. Pent up emotion? I felt so little for my TBX to the point I was looking forward to dying once the last kid was out of the house, better than living the life under her thumb that her older sisters and aunts have smeared their husbands with. Filling an emotional void? Maybe. I miss my kids but they are teens and if their mother is manipulating them into saying they want nothing to do with me, that's what we will have to reckon with one day because forcing it in the court is a losing situation. Nigerian scammer? No. I've vetted her, and if she is a Nigerian scammer, I'm going to Nigeria to fuck him.

What else? What's done is done. I won't get this girl out of my head. We're both aware of where we are, but mistakes can still be made. This sure doesn't have the look or feel of a fuck and run, and that's never been my way anyway. I'm going to have to get her out of my system.