Hey all, (m41) at the very beginning stages of divorce.

LonelyDadbod4U · 2023-09-05T23:59:29+00:00

She got a reality check. So you only pay half ….

She wanted a bigger Cheque, One that’s funds a lifestyle for life at your expense. Wants her cake and eat it.

Sulking now… but she will be back on the offensive.

Suggest you Lawyer up fast. And get evidence camera. Trumped up Domestic violence may follow.

DO NOT move out despite any tantrums / induced fights from her.

This will get ugly fast and become an intense negotiation of your future.

Good luck and welcome to other the non amicable side of divorce.

upandatom85 · 2023-09-06T02:44:55+00:00

This is a copy pasta I share with everyone who needs it. Most of this will apply to you. If you think part of it does not apply just wait a bit... this is what is known as the list. Feel free to add to it. It will only help others.

Don't drink. It'll only hurt the situation. Trust me. You need to stay calm drinking will not help with this.

Do not lose your temper. If you do not stay calm you will lose. She wants you to get upset. She wants to be able to call the cops on you.

You can be darn sure she is going to try to get an EPO (emergency protection order) against you. All she has to say is there is escalating behavior and she is afraid for her life and boom. It'll cost you 10k minimum to fight it and have it thrown out.

Give your firearms to someone so she can't say that you threatened her. She may try to have your firearms taken away. It is difficult to get them back from the police.

Record every conversation and prepare for false domestic violence accusations (CUBE ACR records calls automatically and can also record on your phone in the background. Its free in the app store). Check your local laws regarding recording. An illegal recording proving you innocent is better than none at all.

She will try to provoke you to get you to say things to use against you. STAY CALM! RECORD EVERYTHING!

Lift heavy weights.

Walk. Daily.

Learn to meditate.

Get therapy. Honestly, it will help. No matter how tough you think you are we can all use a little help.

Change all passwords. INCLUDING YOUR PHONE! Mutual or not. Be sure she does not have access to your accounts of any sort. Get a new credit card. Fully separate finances. Figure out what you still need to pay and what is her fucking problem now.

She will try to clean out your account and will take anything she is able to. You need to prevent that. Chances are she is way ahead of you on this.

Secure important paperwork including tax information and anything she can use against you in a safe location.

She's 10 steps ahead of you. She's already told her friends/family/attorney. She's got big plans for your money and property.

She will try to get you out of the house. Do not leave your home! If she wants to end the relationship she can leave. If you are gone from the home she will claim abandonment and keep rights to the home.

Document every fucking thing. Keep a notebook in your phone(New safe password). Record interactions and important notes. Record all interactions. Women lie! Sucks, but it's true.

She will try to rewrite history. Things that happened will not have happened. What was said or done will not be the same as reality. This is called GASLIGHTING. Look it up and understand it! She will make you question your grip on reality. She will rewrite your history to make you the bad guy in her story, to justify what she is currently doing to you and what she has done to you.

If you're wondering if you need a lawyer then you needed one last month. Lawyers suck and are expensive. Get a good one.

Research GREY ROCK/180 METHOD, then implement It.

Research MONKEY BRANCHING and understand the female imperative. If she's leaving you she probably already has someone else. Sorry.

Research and understand BRIFFAULTS LAW.

Research and understand the LIGHT SWITCH EFFECT.

Research and understand DARVO TACTICS.

Look up FEMALIE SOLIPSISM.

This is a catch all list. It may or may not completely apply to you. Most of it will I'm sure. Good luck. Stay strong.

Books: the first one is a Canadian book!

-Surviving your divorce by Michael Cochrane

https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tFP1zc0Sso1K8tOMjdg9BIrLi0qyyzLzEtXqMwvLVJIySzLL0pOBQDu5g03&q=surviving+your+divorce&oq=surviving+your+&aqs=chrome.1.0i355i512j46i512j69i57j0i512j46i512l3j0i512j46i512.7999j1j4&client=ms-android-rogers-ca-revc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

NO MORE MR NICE GUY is a book you should read.

If she cheated.... check out LEAVE A CHEATER GAIN A LIFE. And/or CHEATING IN A NUTSHELL.

If anyone has any advice or info they would like to add to "the list" please let me know.

life-is-short- · 2023-09-06T03:08:43+00:00

Btw. Do not think it will be amicable. She will be poisoned by her divorced friends and a lawyer who want big $$$$. So it will become a real problem.

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-09-06T02:46:03+00:00

I would be willing to bet she has spent a lot of time trying to figure out finances, looking online and likely has already spoke with lawyers. What she’s figuring and reading and hearing ain’t good news.

You’re a man. As an example, you can get emotional and upset at me over something and all I need to do is throw some logic and facts at you and you calm down and process. That’s how we are programmed.

Women are not like that. You throw facts and logic as you did, they become more emotional, especially when they feel unsafe. Removing a comfortable secure life is a very unsafe feeling. You’re stepping in that direction, when you propose child support.

Need to face into reality. You have a 15 year marriage with a child. You’re going to end up with lawyers.

sixtysixpixistix · 2023-09-06T07:53:54+00:00

I'm about eight months into the process. NGL, most days I just miss my wife terribly. I want to talk to her. I want to show her affection and enjoy her company.

Some days I want to talk sense To her; appeal to her sanity and reason. This is always self-defeating and leaves me miserable.

It gets worse at night. Many nights I wake up assuming she's sleeping next to me. The period when the phantom person lingers and disappears is the worst part of every day.

Sharing on this subreddit is theraputic, and I'll probably need therapy for the rest of my life. That said, it could be worse. Every day above soil is a good day. That's how I try to look at things anyway...

Glad to have you with us. Nice to meet you. Wish it were under better circumstances.

probebeta · 2023-09-06T02:02:50+00:00

She told me that she would never take advantage of me financially. After things got real she said she wants child support and spousal support too. This is obviously on top of the half that she would be getting.

I was in absolute distress, but I've decided that if she asks for spousal support on top of child support it's most likely going to court. Both of us will be drowning in debt but I've become very numb to pain, willing to go all in with this one and make it hurt. I don't know how smart this is, but with current family law I think they need to know when to back down. I'll definitely share how this went, but in terms of finances this has been an absolute hell for me.

You have to be careful with the abuse evidence. Be as calm as you can and avoid giving her a reason to play that game. I started recording her and our conversations and luckily that was the end of that, but can't say it's over until it's over and I see ink on paper.

Stay calm, strong, minimal confrontations, minimal contact, lawyer is a must. As rich cooper said the woman you marry is not the one you divorce, and they never behave well on exit.

life-is-short- · 2023-09-06T03:04:27+00:00

Short version. Do not leave house. Record all interactions. Find a lawyer. File first.
Collect all numbers. Get evidence of her accounts usually statements before TRO is in place. Maintain your regular payments. Create own accounts. Spend credit and cover only necessary payment. Be nice.

Kreepykev1 · 2023-09-06T15:50:43+00:00

Thank you all for the tips and advice. Just to clear up a few things, abuse is not nor has ever been even remotely a thing and if she tried to play that card I feel pretty confident that with my kids being around it would be squashed pretty quickly. I do not own any weapons or firearms so that's not a concern. I don't make any real substantial amount of money but she just doesn't earn much at all, I offered to pay child support as soon as we separate finances and she said that doesn't make sense.. idk.. also I already offered half of the equity in the home, we have no savings to speak of. As far as custody, our older child is my step child and is almost 21. Our child is 14 almost 15 and I said I was fine with her deciding on where she wants to live. Even if she goes back and forth, I feel she's old enough to make that decision. If it helps were in Michigan, she had dealt with FOC with her first born and swears she wants to keep them out of it so hopefully she will not go the lawyer route. We have discussed mediation, maybe that's the route to go. Again thank you all for the info thus far!

Key_Preference_4594 · 2023-09-06T16:41:08+00:00

Wow you have 1 blood daughter and there are other kids who she expects you to pay child support for? How did you get into this

captainchippsixx · 2023-09-06T02:46:32+00:00

Your taking the lead. Keep going. She can’t control things. Full throttle man.

Gattsama · 2023-09-06T08:24:11+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-09-06T11:20:31+00:00

It’s amicable right now because she has a vision of how it will go and what the financial split will be. The second reality enters the chat you can bet it will turn nasty in a heartbeat.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2023-09-09T00:58:05+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a complex and emotionally draining situation. Divorce is never easy, and navigating the complicated dynamics that arise, especially after two decades together, can feel overwhelming. Here are some thoughts that might be helpful:

Communication is Key: Given your lengthy history and the complexities involved, it's important to maintain as clear communication as possible. Although she has set boundaries on what subjects she's willing to discuss, financial matters and the well-being of your daughter are vital topics that need to be addressed. Her reaction may have been fueled by a variety of emotions; it's hard to say without more context.
Legal Consultation: If you haven't already, now might be the time to consult with a divorce attorney to discuss your rights and responsibilities, especially concerning financial separation and child support. Even if you're trying to keep things amicable, knowing your legal standing can inform your discussions and decisions.
Child Support and Finances: You mentioned willingly starting to pay child support even before the separation of finances is complete. While this gesture seems generous and well-intentioned, again, it's crucial to understand the legal implications. Make sure you are not setting a precedent that could later work against you in a legal setting. An attorney can guide you on this.
Property and Assets: If you're considering selling the house, you might want to get a real estate valuation. This will not only provide a clearer picture of what you're both entitled to but can also guide any discussions about separation of assets.
Emotional Support: Going through a divorce can be a highly emotional and draining process. A support network is vital during this period. Friends, family, and perhaps even a professional counselor can offer emotional support and coping strategies.
Be Cautious with Timing: Timing is crucial when discussing sensitive issues like divorce, separation of finances, and child support. It's possible that bringing it up suddenly made her uncomfortable or felt confrontational. Perhaps try to gauge the mood and appropriateness of the conversation next time, even if it's a topic that urgently needs addressing.
Focus on the Child: As you navigate this divorce, it's important to keep the well-being of your daughter in mind. Her emotional and financial security should be a priority for both of you. Make sure you communicate effectively with her as well, appropriate to her age and understanding, to help her through this difficult transition.
Don't Take it Personally: It's very hard, but try not to take her reactions personally. Emotions are high, and people often don't react logically or predictably under stress. What's important is to navigate this with as much fairness and compassion as you can muster, for the sake of all involved.

You're not alone, and it's okay to seek help. Whether it's professional advice or emotional support, don't hesitate to reach out to those who can provide it. Take care.

Title	Hey all, (m41) at the very beginning stages of divorce.
Author	Kreepykev1
Upvotes	20
Comments	26
Date	September 5, 2023 11:34 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16b444b/hey_all_m41_at_the_very_beginning_stages_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/hey-all-m41-at-the-very-beginning-stages-of.1231220 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231220

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