31 and want marriage and kids, but am not happy in my relationship of about a year

Ok_Obligation_6110 · 2023-11-07T15:52:10+00:00

In order for a marriage to truly work you need to respect your husband and it doesn’t sound like you will get there with this guy so it’s better to either focus on what you think you need to see in a man to find one you would respect enough to father your children. Would you want to ‘settle’ on the father of your kids?

leosandlattes · 2023-11-07T16:11:21+00:00

I understand you're on a timeline which I totally empathize with. But it also sounds like if you stay with him, your relationship will always be dysfunctional because you just fundamentally don't get along. If you haven't lost respect for him yet, you will one day.

Also consider: would you want your children to have a father who's unkind, negative, and dismissive of the things you find joy in? Would he be dismissive of the things your children find joy in?

If you call it quits, I think you should really invest time in identifying the kinds of men you currently attract, why you attract them, and how to modify your selection process (if needed) so that you can reach your goals of marriage and a family in a reasonable time frame.

Agreeable-Comedian24 · 2023-11-07T16:58:08+00:00

I felt the same way when I was your age and after three years I couldn’t take it anymore. I realized after watching people around me struggle with fertility that having kids of your own is not promised or guaranteed. Once I wrapped my head around that it changed my whole perspective.

What if you marry this man and one of you is unable to produce children? If you’re okay with adoption or other alternatives why do you need him and why feel a rush. One day your children will grow up and move on and you will be stuck with this man during your golden years.

Listen to your instincts and don’t force something that isn’t right.

ladida1321 · 2023-11-07T16:32:09+00:00

I get it. I stayed in a blah relationship/marriage for a long time because I wanted to be a mother so badly. Welp, it ended up blowing up in my face anyway and we got divorced a month before I turned 30. I was more upset about losing this dream of having children than I was about my ex. And I think that is very telling. I’m actually still a little upset that he took away those years from me.

I am now remarried and we are trying for a baby. I’m 34 and I feel very “behind” in comparison to a lot of my friends who already have kids and have been married longer BUT I’m also in friend groups with a lot of unmarried and single people who are mostly all childless- so that helps.

Try going to the r/babybumps reddit and search for older mother posts. This helped me a lot. There are a TON of women who are mid to late 30s who are beginning their parenthood journey. It’s not that rare anymore. If you’re willing/can your age right now may make you a good candidate for freezing your eggs and then not having to worry about any of this biological clock stuff anyway!

Knowing what I know now I am soooooooooo happy I never had kids with my ex. Our marriage was basically doomed. He would not have been a responsible father. I had a handful of respect for him and we were just not compatible- I cannot imagine how screwed up my life would have been trying to coparent with him. Being a single mother. It would have been a nightmare. Worst of all it would have prevented me from marrying my husband now. I have some single mother friends and it’s not glamorous.

If you have doubts I would highly recommend you do not have kids with your current boyfriend. You’ll either end up stuck in a crappy marriage or being a single mother - those options both suck.

I completely get the irrational feeling of just wanting a baby so badly you’re willing to put up with anything- I was going to do just that. But the universe had other plans for me and as bittersweet as it all is, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In the grand scheme of your entire life it’s worth it to delay your “timeline” a few years to meet a good man than to just settle. You have time. Fertility doesn’t just fall off a cliff at 30 or 35. It’s a gradual decline that begins at those ages but does not mean your chances are surly over. Especially with modern fertility treatments- many women have healthy pregnancies and kids at a much later age now.

That’s just my 2 cents. (And what I’m telling myself to feel better too!)

boomtao · 2023-11-07T20:28:07+00:00

This lukewarm lack of enthusiasm and feeling of mismatch incompatibility is no basis for a marriage or future. That must be clear to anyone.

Better to cut your losses and move on.

Meanwhile perhaps books like: "How to not die alone" by Logan Ury and "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle can help defining what you want/need and how to get it.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-11-07T16:37:32+00:00

How would you feel if all your kids turned out exactly like him?

hsa85 · 2023-11-07T16:02:37+00:00

It’s hard to think about the hypothetical children that you’d one day like, but the stuff that’s niggling you is the kind of stuff that will really matter when you have children.

You do need to be on the same page in terms of values and working towards the same aim and sense of meaning when raising children. Otherwise it can cause a lot of conflict or just feeling like you’re carrying the world on your shoulders trying to give your children what you know they need instinctively as a mother, without the buy-in from their dad. Which leads to taking on both the mum and dad role and doesn’t allow room for him to be the man of the house.

Try to let go of the timeline of when you think you should have settled down by. I sense from you a desperation to settle down ‘just in time’ which isn’t all that helpful. You have time to find the right man. But if you settle for the wrong one then you cut off all the options you didn’t know you had.

Also take a look at yourself and consider whether you yourself are really embodying your values to attract someone on the wavelength that you want.

I wouldn’t advise you to settle for this man. Once your first child arrives you risk wishing you’d been a little more patient because the love you have for that child will be so unexpectedly intense and suddenly their welfare is the most important thing in the world. And you’ll want to be able to trust your husband to take on that fatherhood role fully.

WildFemmeFatale · 2023-11-07T19:45:26+00:00

The quicker you dump him the quicker you find your real husband

31 isn’t too late in my country

Many single 30 year olds here

foxesgloves · 2023-11-07T21:52:45+00:00

Don’t stay with someone for the sake of it.

For a relationship with a man to work you first and foremost need to respect him, and it doesn’t sound like you do. That lack of respect will turn to resentment and then to contempt.

No relationship will be perfect all the time, we all have our ups and downs but it’s essential you can find the man who will be able to work through everything with you and not against you.

You are not married to this man, you are still young at 31 so if you decide it’s best to leave you need to start taking dating very seriously and date with intention.

I spent several years in an awful relationship that I damn well should have left sooner than I did (and there wasn’t just a red flag or two, king George’s men came marching in and I ignored it!). It was very helpful knowing what I did not want in a man when I left. I met my now partner just before I turned 30 and I’m 32 now. We’re not yet married but heavily planning for the future!

genericnickname2137 · 2023-11-07T23:49:03+00:00

You need to respect the guy to marry. I am sure. You still have time and honestly its better to have great career, meaningful business or solid hobby than unhappy family

BrilliantLifter · 2023-11-07T16:53:17+00:00

No two people are 100% compatible, if you think people who have been happily married for 15+ years agree with each other’s world views exactly, you would be wrong.

I see this mindset on Reddit a lot that your spouse has to think the way you think and do what you do or you should just destroy the whole relationship, that exact mindset is why so many people are chronically single.

aslanhatessmeagol · 2023-11-08T07:11:14+00:00

I don't think this man can make you happy. If you marry him, you will get resentment a lot.

I would end the relationship and find someone new. I know this is easier said than done. Think of yourself too.

I married my husband last year after being together for almost 3 years. I thought I knew him well before marriage. We had a lot of fight for several months after marriage. But we always know our love is strong and we both changed for the good. Now, we are stronger than ever.

Try to talk to him for the last time and if he is still the same, then break up with him. Stay strong.

SomberWinter13 · 2023-11-07T17:10:44+00:00

Men are so much different than women and act and react very different. Can you give some examples of how he is being unkind? Also, have you read the Empowered Wife which is kind of like the”Bible” of this group. I think if you read this and it doesn’t inspire you for yourself and current relationship, it may be time to move on.

AutoModerator · 2023-11-07T15:26:41+00:00

Title: 31 and want marriage and kids, but am not happy in my relationship of about a year

Author EnthusiasmMental1299

Full text: I'm 31 years old. I want marriage and kids, but didn't find the right relationship during the normal time frame (I can give more details on this if it is relevant). I think I have a lot of good qualities - I am kind, caring, above average attractiveness. Still, I found dating in my late twenties and about hard. It seemed hard to find available men with the qualities and values I am looking for who are still single and who I find attractive (and who find me attractive and believe I have the same qualities that they are looking for).

About a year ago, I met a guy who seemed to check a lot of my boxes, but who I wasn't too excited about. I decided to give things a try and we have been dating ever since. At first things seemed good, but I feel like more recently I have been noticing some incompatibilities. He can be negative and unkind towards others and his general attitude towards the world is one of cynicism. It honestly can bring me down. Sometimes I feel like he is a bit dismissive to me and the things I love/bring me joy. And just in general, there feels like a bit of mismatch in terms of values and worldview that gives me a sense of conflict between us, rather than a sense that we are a team on the same side. I've tried to talk to him about these things, but it's not like he is doing anything wrong specifically, I just more vaguely get the sense that we are not the best match.

I am not sure if I love him and I think if I was younger I would end things and try to find a better match. But I'm not sure at all if there is a better match for me. I am also 31 and my dream was always marriage and kids and I can feel that slipping away so quickly. What would you do?

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LORDLAPJUNK · 2023-11-08T22:42:44+00:00

I think first you need to ask yourself if you want your current relationship to improve or if your want to move on. You cant be honest with anyone if youre not at first honest with yourself. Everyone in a relationship deserves that much at least.

LateralThinker13 · 2023-11-09T17:38:18+00:00

My question is, does your RMV warrant a better man? Or are you where you should be on the pecking order? If you are, then you'd be better off trying to encourage and uplift your man into becoming the best version of who he could be, rather than hunting for a new one.

Minute-Leg-9583 · 2023-11-13T13:38:39+00:00

Leave him. I’d say the same if you were 31, 21, or 41. Negativity, cynicism, and unkindness are not qualities you want in the father of your children—they would do your children great harm. Plus, you deserve a partner who uplifts you, certainly not brings you down. Follow your gut feeling and relinquish control. Trust God/the universe/whatever you believe in. It will serve you and guide you to your path.

Title	31 and want marriage and kids, but am not happy in my relationship of about a year
Author	EnthusiasmMental1299
Upvotes	30
Comments	31
Date	November 7, 2023 3:26 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/17pwr35/31_and_want_marriage_and_kids_but_am_not_happy_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/31-and-want-marriage-and-kids-but-am-not-happy-in.1237680 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237680

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