Dating 4+ years, boyfriend hasn’t proposed and I’m ready to be married and have babies

One-Introduction-566 · 2024-02-04T01:53:00+00:00

I think 4 years should be plenty at this point. I don’t get his concern with financial stability if he’s doing well. Marriage isn’t what costs money anyways and you could always delay kids for a couple years until finances are in better order.

I think you need to have another convo with him. Tell him you really want to get married and have a family and realize your time is limited(you have time but you don’t want to find out in 4 more years that he still isn’t ready and you are now 31 starting over). I’d put a time up, like you want to be engaged/married by x age/year and if he is not ready by then, then you may not be right for each other since your timelines and goals don’t align. I wouldn’t waste much more time if he’s unwilling to commit, if it’s really finances(I don’t buy it), why can’t you talk about a less fancy wedding and waiting a couple years for kids or something?

pinkandpurplepens · 2024-02-04T02:28:25+00:00

When I was in my 20s, I dated a guy for four years. He was never “ready.” I am now 33 and I saw his family’s photo on Facebook posted at Christmas, and he was STILL by himself. I’d rather he be married and happy, but I am so glad I’m not still sitting there waiting for it from him.

I met my husband when I was 28, engaged at 30, married at 31. First baby at 32. I’m pregnant again now.

Find a guy that wants what you want. If he does, he won’t be afraid of the conversation.

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-02-04T04:16:51+00:00

I'm not going to weigh in on the ultimatum advice, because I think you're getting plenty of varied positions on that. What I will say is that you keep mentioning this boyfriend being "the one." There is no "the one." There are so many people out there with whom you could be compatible, perhaps in different ways, but overall, equally so.

You're really limiting yourself with this line of thinking, because it means you have to work things out with this man and you just don't. If that's how it goes that doesnt mean you've lost your one chance at love. It just means there's potentially someone out there who has just as much in common with you plus this very important timeline issue. You're not talking about breaking up with this guy over some frivolous issue, but because you might have very different life goals and he doesn't seem to care that yours is time sensitive. Life is not a paranormal romance novel. There are no soulmates... but if there were, they'd align on these things.

CranberrySoftServe · 2024-02-04T02:40:25+00:00

I'm shocked nobody has mentioned this: Top 5% of earners is $335,891/yr. Many people would consider that "winning the lottery" levels of money. What exactly is his line for "financially stable"?

Jenneapolis · 2024-02-04T02:55:10+00:00

I highly recommend you read some of the books, specifically “getting to I do” and “surrendered single,” both of which outline the steps to having the conversation about timeline and knowing when to call it.

JustAnotherBoymoder · 2024-02-04T02:11:47+00:00

This is a great post on this that I think would help you a lot.

aussiedollface2 · 2024-02-04T04:21:54+00:00

4 years is too long and don’t question the validity of your desire to settle down. I broke up with a boyfriend in my early twenties (I would have married him but he wanted to play the field- same age), then another mid twenties after 2 years together, then my next boyfriend I told after a year that he should know after another year. Now married! Honestly don’t be passive with your life. I’ve seen women give ultimatums with varied success, if you’re on the way out anyway then you may as well if you do love him. Good luck xo

theganglyone · 2024-02-04T02:21:01+00:00

My sister was in her early 30s and her bf just kept putting it off. He was not budging for years. She finally gave him an ultimatum and just said if he's not that into her, she just has to move on. I thought it was weird at the time. But now 15 years later, they're one of the happiest married couples I know. So it worked in her case even though it was like pulling teeth for her. She wanted HIM to be the one initiating and pushing for the honor of her hand.

But look, things are very different in modern times. The guy, esp high earner, gives up a lot of control when he gets married. You might be a perfect, dedicated wife but we all hear horror stories about other outcomes.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-02-04T01:55:49+00:00

I would think the first thing to know is his marriage timeline.

Ask for numbers. Sit down and look at them together.

Say he's budgeting for a $5k engagement ring, 10% down payment on a home, $20k wedding, and anticipating 25k in first year baby costs - that's a lot to save even at a high salary.

Maybe you know things he doesn't. Maybe you're cool with a $1k moissanite ring or you're getting secondhand baby gear and a big baby shower from family.

If financial goals aren't based on specific milestones, I would be concerned.

pinkmwah · 2024-02-04T02:36:42+00:00

While he is 100% "the one" in my eyes - is he really if he won't propose?

You’re spot on. I reached the same conclusion. Loving someone so much means nothing if it won’t lead to marriage.

Someone else who is able to provide marriage, safety, commitment will ultimately “win” and be “the one”.

If he is unwilling to propose soon, you need to cut your losses and find a man on the same page as you. They exist. You deserve to have your dream of marriage and babies.

And no, don’t let him trick you by saying this is proof you aren’t “loyal till death”. He failed you. There is nothing more feminine than having boundaries and standards.

Affectionate-Owl183 · 2024-02-04T03:39:06+00:00

You need to have an honest discussion about the WHY. It doesn't sound like money is the only reason to me. There are plenty of middle class couples who aren't top earners who have families and can still give them everything they need. My parents never had a ton of money and I had a great childhood. I'm sorry but after 4 years you definitely know if your partner is marriage material or not. Maybe he doesn't feel like he has enough of a career, or can buy a big ring, or isn't feeling quite ready for kids just yet (in which case you get to decide if marrying and waiting a year or two is an option). I do think some men hold off because they don't feel "ready" as in "good enough". My husband took a long time (we were together like three or four years). But honestly if he won't commit and can't give you a good reason, bye. You sound like you know exactly what you want out of life, and he doesn't. Don't let him treat you like you're on a treadmill not getting anywhere and he's the carrot dangling in front of you. If you are quality, he should feel lucky to have snapped you up and should want to make it official.

It's also worth considering how you'll feel if you stay. What if you ARE a 35 year old bride who isn't as fertile and you regret not having started a family sooner. You'll likely harbor some resentment towards him. Make sure you communicate to him that fact. Tell him how this is making you feel, calmly if possible. If having a family is really what is going to make you feel most fulfilled in life, then it isn't fair for him to make you wait until your fertility declines and take such a big gamble.

Having said that, I do know a lot of people who've had kids in their 30's and have been fine with no issues. But if being a young mom is important to you (or if having a larger amount of kids is important to you), I understand and respect that. My mom is a boomer and didn't have me until she was 31 (which was really late for back then). She then went on to have my two sisters, all without issue.

Best wishes in whatever you decide. Pray about it, and I hope you get the answers you're looking for. :)

Lemurian_Queen · 2024-02-04T03:40:24+00:00

I got pregnant my first month off birth control at 35, getting pregnant at 35 isn’t a death sentence or impossible by any means.

Also I got married at 34, I looked like a playmate in my wedding photos, not an old bride.

Don’t put your life on a strict timeline, as things need to naturally play out.

Marissa_Smiles · 2024-02-04T03:52:35+00:00

Curious, do you currently live together? Do you work? Have you really had a sit down conversation about timeline? or has it all been vague. Four years is a very long time to go without a ring when you have made it clear you want children and you BOTH are in agreement. If he doesn’t yet own a house and is specifically working towards that goal, or getting his business stable etc. I would speak with him about an affordable ring and elopement or a mirowedding. If he is indeed a numbers guy this would be a good approach. Do you live in a HCOL area? I

NationalMouse · 2024-02-04T04:13:03+00:00

I gave my husband an ultimatum. I was DONE, like for real done. I had a new place to live lined up and everything. He cried and begged me not to leave and I still refused because he “wasn’t ready”. Literally one week later we were shopping for engagement rings so I never left and told him he can propose however he wants whenever he wants except for Christmas. They need to know you’re serious and have to really face the thought of losing you, and you have to be ready to face the reality that he may not actually be ready and you’ll have to find someone else to share your life with.

AutoModerator · 2024-02-04T01:34:38+00:00

Title: Dating 4+ years, boyfriend hasn’t proposed and I’m ready to be married and have babies

Author Public-Papaya-9586

Full text: Title really says it all. Been with my boyfriend 4 years now, he is it. I’m almost so frustrated that he hasn’t proposed because whether he’s broke, poor, rich, wealthy, who cares - he’s it. Our souls are the same, our morals align, and we have had discussions that we want to be together.

I’m coming to an interesting crossroads though and I don’t have the parental guidance in my life to ask this advice. I want babies - I want to be married, I want to be pregnant, I want a family, I will keep my husband happy, all of it. I’m 27 so I’m sad it hasn’t happened yet.

He says “we” need to be financially stable before that happens - but I know he is in the top 5% income earners.

My question is - what would you do in my situation? I feel like IM ready, he’s not, and daring 4 years now should be plenty. I’m worried I’m wasting my youth and he’ll decide he wants better/different.

While he is 100% “the one” in my eyes - is he really if he won’t propose? Bc I’m 100% ready and I don’t want to be the 35 year old bride doing IVF.

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Funny_Garage3895 · 2024-02-04T11:14:05+00:00

You probably had enough advice but from someone in the same situation (though others might not like what I say)

Im 28 and I met my partner at 23. He knew my intentions right away. We both only earned £27-£30K. Now he outearns me on £100K.
We are not married. We are not engaged. We have just had a baby. We have always knew we were soulmates right away. But we discussed conditions for marriage and baby. He gave me a promise ring that marrigw is our aim
His conditions Baby: Have our own home and feel comfortable we always have £XX amount after bills, food etc. Marriage: We feel the best version of ourselves. He works on not getting frustrated at small things. Me, become less masculine and argumentive. He work hard to provide so I have a choice to be a SAHM. I in turn show quality to be a SAHM and support him I think its fair
We both know we are nearly at that point. Though I have voiced I want to be married before baby is 2. He understands why since baby has his surname We also are happy with a court room wedding. That said, he wants to take us on an expensive honeymoon because we have EARNED the right for marriage rather than marrying just because (ie family expect it / years been together etc)
Your point on you being an older parent though is fair enough. I was high risk during this pregnancy and i've been told I'll be Higher risk for any especially after thirty

Hang_your_halo · 2024-02-04T03:19:02+00:00

I was in your shoes. Dated 5 years before engaged…still not sure what took so long, but engaged at 29, married at 31, just turned 33 and about to start trying for a family.

In my experience and he’s the one, confirm he does want to get married and then wait it out. You can’t force him to do anything and the more you try to force it, the more he will dig his heels in for spite.

SquirrelofLIL · 2024-02-04T02:39:03+00:00

No this guy is not the "one". He's a good friend but not husband material.

yourbadformylungs · 2024-02-04T09:42:54+00:00

I deleted my first comment after reading the rest of the comments, your responses change my opinion entirely.

He is attempting to shift all the blame onto you. He will continue to do so, for the rest of your life, he will not change. You yourself have a low self esteem. You continue to reiterate that ‘he is it,’ no matter what, but seriously, have some standards. You seem to be willing to do anything to be with this man, and thats not healthy at all. You said it yourself, ‘you’re in deep,’ you know it and it shows. You’ve admitted to ‘sacrificing more than he has,’ so he’s done little to nothing for you, and here you are accepting bread crumbs like its gold, thats part of the manipulation… look up intermediate reinforcement.

You mention your connection with him is significant. I’d urge you to really ask yourself why that is. ‘Connection’ can be a lot of things, that doesn’t necessarily mean compatibility. I’ve had plenty of significant connection with guys and really hit it off, but we definitely were not right for each other. You sound infatuated with him, like you’re idealizing him to be more than he is because he’s made you seem so inferior due to your past ‘mistakes.’ You’re putting this guy in a pedestal because he’s the first rich good looking guy you’ve found.

Girl, I’ve been there. I was afraid to leave my abusive rich bf, he was manipulative in all kinds of ways. I was very afraid to leave because I was A: inexperienced and B: I was afraid to let go of that cash lol. And the connection was fireworks and so was the sex. The connection was great… when he wasn’t abusive, and the longer the relationship went on, the less enjoyable he became…

But hey guess what, I found a guy that makes more, treats me right and we have a great time together. I miss some aspects of my ex, but in all honesty the good times were few and far between. My current bf is not top 5%, but still has good supportive salary for a comfortable life.

You say you respect your bf but what about his character do you really respect? Everything about him you wrote does not speak HVM to me. He has the superficial qualities of a HVM, good looking, rich, but what about his character? Do you respect a guy that devalues you and constantly reminds you of your ‘impurity as a non virgin’ just to make himself seem like saint?

Your bf is manipulative. I’m sorry to say OP, but you’ve devalued yourself for a lousy man. Based on your comments, he likely chose you specifically so he could control you, he needs an ‘imperfect’ girl with a low self esteem in order to inflate himself. He’s also trying to convince you that your low value (not a virgin, bio clock ticking) in an attempt to keep you around, for a while at least.

My narcissistic dad is like this to a T. He picks women he can put down and control, women that’ll take it, that’ll feel lucky to have him. Then he turns around and complains, blaming everything on his wife. He tried to do it to me too. He cannot attract a respectable woman.

And by respectable I don’t mean a virgin OP, I mean a woman who values herself, a woman who knows she’s worth it.

No matter how hard you try to make up for your ‘mistakes,’ it’ll never be enough, he’ll hold it over your head until the day you die or until he’s done with you. Don’t have kids with him. Walk out, you and your kids lives will be hell with him, he will not change. You say you want healthy children, you will not get that with this man.

I highly recommend you check out r/narcissisticabuse and r/abusiverelationships to educate yourself on how abusive partners manipulate and devalue their partners for their own gain. It’s clear that you do not understand how abuse and manipulation works in an intimate relationship. You have to stop making excuses for your bf and come to terms with reality.

OP I also had no parental guidance and was alone when it came to navigating most my life. I’m sorry and I sympathize with you. Please reach out to reddit when need be for what advice you may need, use your resources, make friends, but be cautious. You need to educate yourself and learn as much as you can in order to be the best advocate you can for yourself.

Based on your responses, I’d walk, raise your standards, there plenty of men that would likely love to be with you, work on yourself and find a better man. The grass is greener on the other side in this situation.

Your new man might not make as much, but hey, at least you won’t be with a manipulator. Don’t sell yourself out, money is important but it’s not everything. It’s completely valid to value a high income man, but again if that comes with a cost of being with a lousy guy, it’s not worth it. There are plenty of other good HVM who can support you as a SAHW.

You’ll go on a few bad dates, kiss a few frogs and eventually find your prince, keep hunting and do not settle. Get to know them, test the waters, make a wise decision with your newfound knowledge upon educating yourself on relationship dynamics, boundaries, etc.

You are not broken and damaged because you’re not a virgin. You have value, you matter, you are not worthless, start acting like it. No one is perfect, even if they say they are. Stop holding to yourself to impossible standards. Life is about learning, people make mistakes.

You seem so critical of yourself not being a ‘perfect virgin,’ etc but OP look at your bf.

I think you need to start reevaluating who you are and what you want to be. I understand you feel a huge drive to become a mother, but I would highly suggest you reassess as to why that is deep down. It’s your life. You need to be blunt honest with yourself, open yourself up to difficult topics, pick your own brain, work on your own insecurities, look into all kinds of different perspectives.

I understand it’s not easy to walk away after investing to much time. But if you allow yourself to learn and open your mind to the truth, you might actually change your mind after thinking things through. You cannot be afraid of change, change can be the best thing for you sometimes.

It’s like referencing to the Martix, you wanna take the red pill of the blue pill? And I’m referencing to the movie, not the political/theological associations. I’m talking about your willingness to learn a potentially unsettling or life-changing truth by taking the red pill or remaining in the contented experience of ordinary reality with the blue pill.

The red pill will hurt at first, but in the long run, you’ll at least be in the best position you could have with the newfound knowledge you do have.

Do you want to stay with a man that treats you like that? Do you want to really marry a man that shows he doesn’t value you? What kind of marriage would it be if it’s not built on mutual feelings and desire to commit to each other for life?

SeaworthinessHappy52 · 2024-02-04T02:11:12+00:00

Do you work?

basedtrader_dev · 2024-02-04T06:49:20+00:00

Probably due to the slaughterhouse for men which is marriage and divorce court

Pristine-Can3719 · 2024-02-04T08:10:27+00:00

Choose older guy(35-45)

AutoModerator · 2024-02-04T01:34:38+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disapear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Independent-Hall4929 · 2024-02-04T13:11:38+00:00

Do you know exactly what his financial concerns are? And what steps he’s taking to address them, plus a timeline for you both?

LilQuackerz · 2024-02-04T14:57:46+00:00

I can’t say anything novel about the relationship, that hasn’t been said prior but freeze your eggs asap. Many women freeze their eggs if they know they want children but decide to focus on their career first. It’s also better to have that as a backup plan than to rush with a subpar partner because you’re worried about fertility. In the case that this relationship ends.

Title	Dating 4+ years, boyfriend hasn’t proposed and I’m ready to be married and have babies
Author	Public-Papaya-9586
Upvotes	22
Comments	97
Date	February 4, 2024 1:34 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1aic2r1/dating_4_years_boyfriend_hasnt_proposed_and_im/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dating-4-years-boyfriend-hasnt-proposed-and-im.1244559 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244559

Comments