How do I get rid of this thirst for validation?

IAmTheOmNom · 2012-07-07T06:36:32+00:00

o.O why would you want someone to see your car? Are they important in your life? If someone would actually pull up to me to show off his nice car. I would pity him I would pity him for his sad life. While sitting in my mothers compact car.

What is really important in your life? They or you? You are the ONLY important thing in your life!

I think what you are missing is a god complex. And I don't mean that as a joke. The other people are just ants crawling around you. You are nice to them because you don't have any reason to begrudge them, you are better than they are anyway. And you seek no validation from them because you are better than they are. (I just saw that this is called dunning-kruger effect)

If you do seek validation from someone, that means that in something in your life is missing. Find out what it is and fix it, as a result you will be less validation seeking.

Try going out at night not pulling anything approaching 2 sets and getting blown out .... and still having the best time of your life .. even without friends. Sometimes just make your own life harder ... on purpose and be fine with it.

Really cool is when you pull up with a rusty old carish like thing, dressed like a hobo and still expect everyone to like you. And that would be because you are you, stripped of all your valuables without anything that will give you validation. Are you happy with yourself when you are sitting home alone with yourself, doing nothing?

Now I think if you are not seeking any validation ... there is something wrong with you. We are social creatures, you should want seek the respect of the people important to you and the people that are better than you in certain areas. But you should be happy about yourself even if this is not existant.

Maybe you could do an exercise where every time you decide to do something you question what are the reasons you want to do this. And you start to see more clearly what are the things you are doing for yourself and why that is. And I mean, go beyond "I wanna show her my big dick. Why is that? Because I want her to think I'm awesome" ... why do I want her to think I'm awesome? Why her and not any other chick?

NoBromo1 · 2012-07-07T05:01:38+00:00

Personally, I tried to become so skilled in various things that I rarely have questions of validity. And I mean genuinely good, not tricking yourself with the dunning-kruger effect. I don't really feel like I need approval any more. Even when I do occasionally have down moments like that, I can still take a step back and say "This isn't a good moment for me, but goddamn look how far I've come." You won't need validation, because you'll just know your excellence.

edit; phrasing, actually linked dunning-kruger

xyals · 2012-07-07T15:21:35+00:00

I can't give you any expert advice that landed me a supermodel girlfriend or Swiss bank account because I haven't landed those things yet. I did improve a lot over the past few years in terms of desperate for validation from others. Honestly its always been at the back of my head every now and then but I've managed to go from losing sleep over some social validation fail I got myself in to only laugh at it for a few seconds and then shrug it off. For example people would say I'm way too skinny to attract girls, people wouldn't even acknowledge the loads of effort I put in to make their lives easier, and the biggest one was the people that I really wanted validation from (HB I crush on is a big one) wouldn't give me the chance to know each other better.

What happened to me was I just lined myself up for so many activities that amuse me. I love video games so this makes things easy. The friend I really want to hang out with blows me off? No problem, I wanted to conquer some countries in Total War anyways. Crush doesn't think I'm worth her time to hang out with? Well, good news is I have a hilarious story to tell my buddies when we go partying tonight, we're gonna have so many jokes about it, its gonna be funny. TL;DR Keeping myself busy with activities I genuinely enjoy made me feel less need for validation.

MissBe · 2012-07-07T05:10:14+00:00

Wish I knew too, I think this is my biggest barrier right now, its causing me to not approach because I am afraid I won't get my dose of validation. I also expect to get attention wherever I go.

671futbol · 2012-07-07T09:27:33+00:00

Apologize in advance, for formatting, but real validation comes from within. You must have the confidence to know who you are and what you stand for... That's when you don't give a Fuck. Here they call it inner game/mentality, I can it self-awareness.

Honestly, the biggest impact for confidence and self-awareness for me was a book called "See You at the Top" by Zig Zigler. I know, weird name. - read it, I think you see who you really are!

wtk · 2012-07-07T10:07:59+00:00

I think it's impossible to throw away those thoughts. You're only capable of just doing what you think it's ok. You had to be some budda to even think clear. It's your brain's job to go through possibilites, but it's also your conscience task to pick from possibilities and be the guy you want to be. And yeah, it's hard to not like peoples attention and admiration. I'll gladly read some tutorial how can one stop being attention begger :)

krokodil_hodil · 2012-07-07T11:59:23+00:00

I'd recomend you howtonotgiveafuck subreddit.

Healer1551 · 2012-07-07T06:59:54+00:00

It's all about just forgetting and not thinking about anything when you're in a social environment. You just say what comes to your mind without regrets.

2012-07-07T15:22:21+00:00

You need to essentially realize that most people are idiots, bastards and cunts who would sooner see you incredibly unhappy anyway. Hence what is their approval really worth? I agree though it's fuckin hard as nails to actually get there. Seriously though one day you'll realize most people are just as socially inept as any nerd but they just lack self awareness or self doubt. You'll get there buddy. Inner game ftw.

MissBe · 2012-07-07T15:22:34+00:00

let me ask you from the 'other side' - do you think it would really help you to move forward if your surrounding would be feeding into this (ooh you are awesome) or if they challenge you on it?

Bunabayashi · 2012-07-07T16:31:59+00:00

When your sense of self-worth is derived from the high opinion of others (and more damagingly, when they have a low opinion of you), you are externalizing (making outside of yourself) the source for something which should be internally generated. The origin of that unhealthy model for living most likely goes back to your formative years, and it's a bitch to unravel let me tell ya. I know it might sound drastic or unwarranted, but I strongly recommend speaking with a competent and trust-worthy therapist about your situation and your frustration at not being able to break out of that mindset (this is something I have done and it was the best experience of my life). Also the books by Nathaniel Branden are a great resource, I especially liked and got tremendous value from his book 'Honoring The Self'.

alanwak3 · 2012-07-07T16:42:33+00:00

in Transactional Analysis (I recommend everyone read Im OK Youre OK, this book is life changing) they describe how every person needs "strokes," validation, recongition of their existence. Its healthy, without them we would die. so in a sense youll never not have a thirst for validation, however there will come a point where you simply are getting enough strokes, and you simply wont crave it.

the whole "dont give a fuck what anyone thinks be completely autonomous" schtick is played out, silly and unscientific. its good to have thick skin and your own ideas, but we all need validation, or else no one would need to leave the house, and the good news is theres an unlimited supply of it out there, so we can get to a healthy base line

hiigaran · 2012-07-07T17:23:44+00:00

A lot of the need for validation, as I've experienced it, was actually just a manifestation of anxiety. Of self-doubt about not being good enough.

To that effect I would strongly, strongly encourage you either purchase, read and do everything recommended in When Panic Attacks by David Burns or go to see a mental health professional who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

occupykony · 2012-07-07T17:25:32+00:00

This might not be too helpful, but I just watched this Tyler Durden talk and he really hits on a LOT of truths. The kinds of things you know are true about yourself but are afraid to admit. Fired me up.

locotx · 2012-07-07T20:32:02+00:00

Once you realize those who give a fuck about that crap are the ones you shouldn't give a fuck about, you're life will remove all that "justification" pressure. You aren't suppose to give a fuck about what they think, you are suppose to give a fuck about family, kids and the one you love (gf/fiance/wife/lover/etc..), that's all that matters. Once you get to that part in your life, you have officially grown up. (how's that for a nice smack in the face, vanity ain't worth it bro)

hypnotheorist · 2012-07-07T06:53:45+00:00

I honestly would love to be this guy, I would pay an unscrupulous amount of money to master this mindset, but it's unbelievable just how impossible it seems.

How unscrupulous are we talking?

itsmevichet · 2012-07-07T16:40:50+00:00

Validation is kind of built into our social instincts. The key is to not let that drive control you and make you do stupid things.
I think if you're paying attention to your needs, and pursuing your passions earnestly and honestly, the effects of your need for validation will stay at a healthy level.
Most important: it's not about "not caring what anyone thinks." It's about knowing the difference between whose opinions are useful and whose are not. I care what my older brother thinks. I care what my mentors think. I care what my dance instructors think. That's because these people care about me, have pulled me out of fires, and can see things about me and my direction in life that I can't myself - in many way, getting their validation is helpful (to a point).
Profit?

You'll be fine, man. We all go through this. It's that "what's the point" moment.

You really do have to answer that for yourself. I know there's something in there behind that need for validation. If you really think about it, do you think that what you really want is to be validated in your own eyes? To be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished?

Think about it. Everyone has something motivating them.

clothes_are_optional · 2012-07-07T23:38:54+00:00

got some pretty good responses here. thanks guys

jwal245 · 2012-07-07T06:46:25+00:00

I would recommend joining a fight club.It worked for the unnamed protagonist of the movie they made about it

future_pope · 2012-07-07T22:35:31+00:00

You could start by not writing phrases like "thirst for validation."

Title	How do I get rid of this thirst for validation?
Author	clothes_are_optional
Upvotes	59
Comments	50
Date	July 7, 2012 4:25 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/w5yhc/how_do_i_get_rid_of_this_thirst_for_validation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-i-get-rid-of-this-thirst-for-validation.1305749 https://theredarchive.com/post/1305749

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