a long time ago,(10 years) in a town far far away, (40 min drive.) i dated my first girlfriend. she was beautiful, but i came to find out she was nuts, insane even. We were engaged when she left me for one of my groomsmen 5 months before the date. i was 20 at the time and spiraled into a dark place. i couldn't comprehend the situation, it didn't make sense to me. in my stupidity and lack of guidance i had tried to get us back together a few times, unsuccessfully. but i did manage to cement my hate for her, deep.

Ten years go by and while i didn't think of her anymore, i hated her. and one day i get a message over facebook from her (not friends) saying she had some dream about me, and i'd gotten hurt and she wanted to know if i was ok. it was really odd and out of the blue, i responded "i'm fine, leave me alone." i got no response from her, and just stared at that impulsive angry reply, i didn't think she didn't deserve that, but i felt i had to check myself. i needed to understand that anger, to understand what happened so long ago. i saw a chance and i took it.

I messaged her back apologizing for being rude and asked how she'd been. long story short we became friends. here's what i think is the kicker, after hanging out a few times, i set a rule. "We can be friends, but we can not get in a relationship. That bridge burned a long time ago, and i don't want to ever get involved with you like that again." she understood and things continued amicably.

My understanding of my engagement with her unraveled, so many dots started connecting. and not just my understanding of her, but of myself, and people in general. it's been an incredible learning experience.

it's probably not fair to dish out her history, so i won't.

But things got really crazy. we stayed friends but kept relative distance for the next year as my job was picking up and i just didn't want to really. she calls me one day and says she needs a place to crash for the weekend, she's homeless (broke up with her "boyfriend" and has never had her own place. i used to call her a parasitic whore.) and i had a long weekend with no plans, so why not. well she broke up with her boyfriend because he hooked her on heroin. she wanted to crash at my place to detox... so that happened. the oddest thing about that experience was how anti climactic it was. it's heroin, that should be rough right? we marathon-ed Dexter... she said it was like a really bad flu. it was a really good bonding experience and we're both great friends now, but it gets crazier.

about six months after detoxing off of heroin, she was diagnosed with Hep C, and is currently going through liver failure. so she's dying. to give a time scale on this whole thing, she received her 12 month sobriety chip last month.

2014 has been one crazy ride.

but as crazy as it's been i wouldn't trade it for anything, we've helped each other grow through our own trials. you see, i'd never had good luck with women. she was my first girlfriend, my next one either left me or was taken by my best friend. the next "contact", i was raped. and after that, my most recent girlfriend, was an abusive alcoholic. i was with her for 3 of the most miserable years of my life, i'd tried to break up with her several times, two times she attempted suicide to stop me. i sure can pick 'em. to say i have trust issues is an understatement. i couldn't trust anyone, to the point that i had no close friends or even dates, for 5 years. complete social isolation.

it's difficult to describe the lessons i've learned by being friends with my ex. To relax, to not blame myself, it caused me to humanize everyone that's wronged me and understand their situation better, thus making me infinitely happier to know i wasn't the cause of all that shit coming at me.

as i mentioned she's hot, still is. but my attraction was gone towards her, i knew her, i understood her. being around a gorgeous girl who i didn't like, was unexpectedly empowering. i learned to stick up for myself and not let her womanly ways affect me. i learned that "womanly ways" don't mean affection. i became more social as i met her friends and began making my own elsewhere. i even asked a girl on a date. which although she flaked out on me, was a momentous achievement in my eyes. i beat my own insecurity and doubt and put myself out there. i realized that it didn't matter that she flaked, because by sticking up for my own opinion, i began to like myself and gain confidence in who i was. so it didn't matter that she flaked, because well, it doesn't matter.

but the coup de grace happened about a month ago, we were in a gas station parking lot as some friends (and her boyfriend)did a beer run, and she told me she was really glad i decided to be friends with her. i told her i was glad too, and that "having a hot girl around i don't want to be with has been empowering" and in a drunken moment of honesty she replied "yeah, you don't take my shit. it's why i'm so attracted to you." which is not a bad thing to hear from anyone. but something clicked, me not wanting her, not feeding into her, is what makes her want me.

sometimes you become a version of yourself to better fit an enviroment, you wear a tie to work, you act like you're at work. when you're attracted to a girl, you act attracted. with my ex i wasn't "acting", simple as that, her opinion of me good or bad didn't matter. she'd burned me, i didn't care if she didn't like me. and that thought cascaded to everyone, as i realized that if someone doesn't like me, it doesn't matter.

i told my mom i smoke pot, and drink, our relationship has oddly only gotten better. i quit my job i hated, and have an awesome one. i wave at random people and actually initiate conversations now. i don't stand panicked thinking about what i'm gonna say, scouring for clues of a persons interest before i even say hello. instead of observing to learn about people i'm engaging them.

i feel like i should have a nice solid end to this story, but i guess life doesn't do that. it's really only a beginning when i think about it.