So I had my first Tinder date yesterday

Deightine · 2015-03-20T19:58:39+00:00

a short treatise on Flirtation

Flirting is a complicated construct; you're either a natural at it or you have to bang your head against the idea trying to figure it out. Flirting isn't a single behavior; a verb, a way of standing, or a tone of voice. It is something built out of a lot of component parts. Those parts develop independently and differently for every human being you meet. So let me explain with an analogy of motion:

The pistons in an engine are designed to move, but they don't 'just move' on their own. They're responsive to other components. Just as a car isn't propelled forward by its wheels, it requires the engine to move them, and the engine is dependent on the turning of the shaft by the firing of the pistons due to tiny explosions going off in enclosed air-injected chambers. But the engine on its own isn't going anywhere. You need all of the parts working together in order to have a car achieve motion. Flirtation is like motion in that it is a state.

Flirtation is seduction without a designated agenda; if you're seducing someone, it's because you want to get down. If you're flirting with someone, it could just be that you like their attitude and you think you can get away with it. I've flirted with people my entire life, usually without even knowing it; I did so until a girl pointed out in high school that I kept pissing off her boyfriend and he was an alarmingly large and angry fellow. I had no idea at all. I didn't stop, but I knew to avoid him from then on.

Physically, flirting is a combination of glances, postures, and physical distances. When folks talk about "getting kino" the mild stuff falls into flirtation, while the petting is all about seduction. Flirting includes small physical intimacies, just like closing the distance between yourself and someone else, brushing shoulders, giving someone a hip-bump, dancing with them randomly, etc. If done directly or aggressively, it will be threatening or creepy. Done in humor with an in-joke, or playful mockery, and it becomes 'play'. They don't know it, but when a little girl punches a boy in the shoulder on the playground, the girl is flirting with the boy; she's inciting him to chase after her out of anger or at least notice she exists. Why? Because traditionally, boys played rough and some girls played rough with boys to get attention. Less common these days (as that would be seen as violence worthy of loss of recess entirely), but play is the most important aspect of flirting.

Socially and emotionally, flirting is a combination of wit, humor, and suggestive mutual-context. In some ways, I worry negging started with a painful attempt to purify this aspect of flirtation. But when you see two people talking in a very familiar way, with one teasing the other about something and both are laughing, that's a moment of flirtation. They're sharing a moment only the two of them truly understand; it's intimate, although not necessarily sexually... although often it will be.

Traditionally, winking was considered part of flirtation. In truth, winking is just an act that adds to a moment of flirtation. What really did it was the double entendre or suggestive remark that preceded the wink. It's not an overt sexual advance though; its goal is to build rapport, not necessarily sexual attraction. Your goal is to be fun, subversive, and novel. Do amusing things, excite the person you're with in a pleasant way, encouraging them to be interested in who you are, and making them want to continue hanging out. To play with them.

People who play are far more interesting and fun to be around.

noah6624 · 2015-03-20T18:40:55+00:00

The problem is that she did like 90% of the talking

That's a good thing. Listening with girls is winning. In the future, every now and then during a conversation, ask her how something felt. She tells you about x ... "how did it feel?"

WhosCountin · 2015-03-20T21:17:57+00:00

We didn't really hit it off but she did seem interested in me. Why the fuck is this shit so hard? Why can't people just fuck like fucking gorillas??

Dude, she probably was interested. I've never had a Tinder date not end in sex if I made any sort of effort at all. Even if we didn't connect at all, just kind of talked without "clicking" or even flirting much, etc.

In my experience, girls on Tinder are probably looking to get laid, but they're on Tinder which means they are probably shy or weird or something. Just come up with any lame excuse to bring her back to your place, and then make a physical move. This has worked for me 3/3 times and one of the girls ended up as a FWB for a few months.

In that case, I met her at a bar with her fat sister, we played a board game and I sat next to her and did some horrible non-smooth kino that she didn't reject, and after an awkward hour or two, I invited her to come see my dog at home. I was living with my parents at the time. We went to the basement and played Mariokart for a few races, and then after one ended I kind of awkwardly just leaned in. She didn't seem super receptive, like backed away slightly, so I said. "Huh, you seem like you're being evasive. Is something wrong?" She replied with "That's just kinda how I am", to which I said "Well... I guess I'll just have to push through it thennn?"

Then we banged and ended up banging weekly for the next couple of months and becoming decent friends. I had another Tinder "date" where the girl drunk drove to my friends' apartment late one night. One of my friends was on a vacation so I was staying in his room to get away from the parents for a few days. Anyway, that was the most uncomfortable weird meetup ever. We sat across from each other at a tall kitchen table and she kind of rambled on about people I had never met and complained about school and stuff. Basically, acted like an annoying girl. Then eventually it got to be like 3am, and I was like "well... I'm pretty exhausted, are you?" and she said yeah. Then I let her know she was welcome to stay but "there's really only this one bed to share". So we got in bed and then I started hooking up with her and we had sex. The least smooth I've ever been, but it worked.

TL;DR: Just always assume Tinder dates will end in sex. Act like it's going well even if it isn't, invite her over, make a move, and if there are 0 signals and no spark or chemistry, don't assume it won't work.

NewHope13 · 2015-03-20T18:52:49+00:00

Nice, you're getting out there and learning, you're doing more than what I did when I was 19. Over time you'll become more comfortable with flirting with girls. Basically just make fun of them in a sly way, you'll get the hang of it.

poonishapines · 2015-03-20T21:22:40+00:00

Good job on getting out there. Sorry, I don't agree with everyone else here. First, she did most of the talking and this is your only date. How can you say you have no problem talking to girls?! Second, she led you on this date and you followed along like a puppy. You were the friend that listened and hung on her every word. This is okay since it's your first date ever. Just know you are not dictating the nature of the relationship when you do this. If you fuck her, it will be because she led you there. Please don't look at this as an attack on you. Again, good on you for getting out there!

aakksshhaayy · 2015-03-21T02:47:45+00:00

If people fucked like gorillas, the hottest guys would be out fucking every girl while you'd be sitting at home.

brisrunner · 2015-03-20T19:10:08+00:00

Hey man good job. You think this shit comes without any practice? You'll get better at flirting the more you try flirting. Text her again and try to set up a second date. You dont have one at the moment so what have you got to lose. But good work for putting yourself out there keep doing it.

jawni · 2015-03-20T19:45:29+00:00

Flirting isn't as tough as it seems. Flirting is just teasing with a sexual undertone.

I'm sure you and your buddies give each other shit and tease each other, flirting is basically the same idea just applied differently.

sbarrettm · 2015-03-20T19:56:37+00:00

If you're interested, you're more interesting.

cascadecombo · 2015-03-21T05:01:17+00:00

I went to an all boys school (that shit fucks you up)

you didn't take advantage of it, don't use something like that as a crutch for an excuse.

Anyway, one thing I like to check when I am talking with a chick to see if she is interested is a "lean check".

Basically, if you watch people flirt, you may see a guy leaning in while the chick sits comfortably back. Here you can obviously tell the guy is hitting on her, the same goes in reverse when a chick is trying to get a guys attention.

If you find yourself leaning in for a while, or at all, pull back. Chances are if the girl is interested, her subconscious will try to correct this sudden gap in space and she will lean in towards you.

Of course this isn't 100% but it's something I've found to be pretty useful.

nor_iqhwan · 2015-03-20T22:37:43+00:00

Hey, I have the same problem but only to girls whom I actually like. I can talk, compliment and flirt to any random pretty girl, but if I really like her sincerely due to personality and so on, I don't know how.

CharlieTango · 2015-03-21T02:56:43+00:00

Flirting is literally just teasing each other. Make fun of her playfully and make it funny. Thats literally all i do when i 'flirt' and it works

Nicklovinn · 2015-03-21T00:08:08+00:00

flirting is entertaining the possibility of sex with someone. The key here is the word POSSIBILITY. Flirting is not promising sex, and it must always be light fun and playful, without anyone owing sex. This is what makes flirting appealing to girls, they want to embrace their sexuality but they dont want to feel obliged to have sex... so they flirt! if a girls starts flirting with you, she wants to know your fun and wont hold her to anything.

thenarrrowpath · 2015-03-20T22:01:05+00:00

Sounds like you did good. Don't worry about what to do next. Set up another ~~date~~ meet with her and try flirting more. Kino is crucial. The next time you meet you need to initiate touching. Keep it small at first, i.e. touching her shoulder when you both are laughing, touch the small of her back as you guide her into the venue all the way to grabbing her hand and taking an interest in her jewelry to straight up pulling her in for a kiss. Oh that reminds me, you need to attempt to kiss her. Even if you she denies it, you will get more respect if you try.

Also, she sounds like the type of girl who is like "I don't fuck on the first date" as she pulls down her pants and bends over in front of you. Don't fall into her frame when she inevitable gives you LMR and pulls back from your make out session to say "all you want is to have sex". Agree an amplify or ignore the statement and continue.

Merrick88 · 2015-03-21T04:45:50+00:00

I'm actually going steady with a shy&nerdy guy I met through Tinder in first week of January. It's all possible- some silly seduction tricks won't win a girl for you- if she find you attractive and interesting intellectually then all will go smoothly.

Crosshash · 2015-03-21T08:27:10+00:00

Does nobody else think the fact that she dominated 90% of the conversation mean that she was probably a bit self centred?

If she didn't give a shit about you - she wasn't worth it. You did nothing wrong, she was just being boring.

You can't sleep with everyone.

enkae7317 · 2015-03-20T18:46:56+00:00

Letting her do all the talking isn't the worse things...if I recall it thought its usually 75% guy talks and 25% girl talks in beginning. You just managed to flip it around. As for the flirting I find the best thing to do is to touch (kino) her early on, maybe handshake or hug when you guys meet up and then build during the course of the day. Two hours is a decent time for a first date.

cocklickinglesbo · 2015-03-20T22:02:58+00:00

Ha I went to an all boys school, I feel flirting is more developed here because everyone shares their knowledge??

Just me??

-scarecrow- · 2015-03-20T23:39:41+00:00

This was a good experience OP; study up on convo topics, and how to maintain control over a conversation and maintain it being interesting. Throw some shit tests in there for her! And don't have an opinion on things.

Her talk most of the time was great, but next time make it not 90%. Keep at it! You're 19 and already better off than I was at that age; trust me!

garblegarble12 · 2015-03-21T02:17:22+00:00

I went to an all boys school. Best thing that ever happened to me. Don't blame your autism on having been provided a solid education.

ROHRAA · 2015-03-21T02:41:23+00:00

I was in a co-ed school. I dint have the mentality to learn to flirt at that age too cause my culture and parents brought me up in a different way I was not looking for sex. I found it very difficult too. Co-ed school does not teach you to flirt.

AntixD · 2015-03-21T05:18:39+00:00

you gonna get friendzoned so hard brother

LightsInMyWindow · 2015-03-21T05:27:27+00:00

Sounds like a keeper

2015-03-21T22:13:31+00:00

Flirting is just talking plus compliments. If the opportunity arises, put your hand on her lower back and hold her hand when possible. You both obviously agreed to a date because you connected online. I actually tend to appreciate it when a guy flat out admits he's nervous. Makes me feel like I'm worth something to lose. Just don't be impish about it.

no_real_opinion · 2015-03-24T22:16:44+00:00

I think we might have gone out with the same girl.

She just wouldn't shut up!

disturbing_nickname · 2015-03-21T01:04:25+00:00

When you speak, speak slowly and with a darker voice.
Mix between leaning towards her and away from her. Leaning towards her while speaking calmly, maybe even while looking at her lips for a couple of seconds, works wonders. Look relaxed, be relaxed.
Touch her if it's natural. If you're on opposite sides of the table, the thumb game may work nicely
I'm not saying look at her boobs, but maybe take some time looking at her neck, lips. If you do this when she's looking into your eyes, you may trigger something.
If the mood's right, you could point out something with her clothing. For instance if she has a necklace, say it's nice. One time when I was dating this busty girl I looked at the necklace for a couple of seconds pausing the conversation while she was looking into my eyes when I did it. I made a remark about the necklace, and when she leaned towards me to show it to me she automatically poked out her boobs so they'd look even bigger. Went for the kiss shortly after.

-- Funny thing is, flirting isn't that necessary when you're on a date. Being calm and collected is, and knowing the line in between sexy-stare and creepy stare. If she's a talker, don't let her pace up the conversation to "blabber-speed". Don't be so reactive, and when you reply, reply sloowly to let her know what's your preferred pace.

iliketurtlesdurr · 2015-03-21T04:05:35+00:00

if she likes talking, let her talk. you don't need to talk to convey yourself. 90% of what she remembers is your subcommunication, eye contact, body language, flirtatious teasing, etc etc.

I've let girls talk themselves horny while I escalate nonverbally.

wrdp · 2015-03-20T22:48:50+00:00

You want her to do most of the talking. Listen, smile, and let your eyes dance with hers. You don't need to force the flirting with her. Just enjoy the moment, keep it light, chill, and positive. Good job on not setting future plans, but do her up next week for date 2.

Art_of_Flight · 2015-03-20T22:14:55+00:00

God damn these beginner threads are becoming unbearable...

2015-03-21T00:15:59+00:00

You had a date and your asking what you did wrong? Some of us can't even get a date. Tell us the secrets

baltimoretom · 2015-03-21T04:53:22+00:00

Kick your shoe off next time and run your foot up her leg.

jessalon · 2015-03-21T11:16:03+00:00

Don't put talking to girls on a pedalstool. Just look at it as a skill to be developed, read up on it, and start putting that new skill into practice. Almost any other approach is going to psych you out. Just pretend it's a game. If you lose there's another game to start right around the corner.

Title	So I had my first Tinder date yesterday
Author	isaythingstopeople
Upvotes	186
Comments	60
Date	March 20, 2015 6:33 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2zq5yy/so_i_had_my_first_tinder_date_yesterday/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/so-i-had-my-first-tinder-date-yesterday.1385559 https://theredarchive.com/post/1385559

Comments