I(22F) can banter and chat with guys I don’t like but not with a crush

SMSD2020 · 2020-06-15T23:59:10+00:00

The short answer is you have “try to not try” as stupid and ridiculous as that sounds.

Detailed:

The awkwardness we feel that blocks us from being in our comfort zone is a physical manifestation of the mental anxiety (or fear) of rejection that starts when realize we want something, in this case another humans approval.

So when you have no expectations and no hopes or feelings attached to a conversation, it flows smoothly. You can easily get in the zone and be natural.

When you “want” something, like another person to like you, this immediately introduces the possibility of not getting what you want. Your brain (because it hates you) has a deeply buried fear that your (possible) failure is because you’re a worthless piece of trash human being and no one will ever like you back because you suck.

The conscious part of your brain ACTIVELY avoids situations where the reason for failure is undoubtedly you and so when your subconscious is like, “If this person rejects you you’re a piece of shit” then your conscious brain starts tripping all over itself and can’t function because it would rather leave than have to face that possibility.

Now. Objectively. You are obviously not trash. Another person’s acceptance or rejection of you is not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of them.

So you have to accept that you’re perfect, just like you are, regardless of what your crush thinks of you.

Then, you can let go of the want of their approval which will eliminate the possibility of failure, and the fear.

So, try to not try. Just let go of all attachment towards crushes, specifically the attaching of your self perception to their approval/denial of you.

You can do this by doing what a previous poster said, pretend they are someone you don’t have a crush on.

0GirlsMan · 2020-06-16T00:57:20+00:00

When you're nervous about something, very often that's because you're very attached to getting a particular outcome, e.g. having the person like you back, getting a job from an interview, having the class not think you're a weirdo in a presentation, etc.

If you want to overcome that feeling, you have to find a way to let go of your attachment to the outcome, and instead focus on the process. If you practice that skill generally, it will help when it comes time to do it with your crush. This way you can practice the skill without having to spend all your time talking to boys.

When letting go of the outcome, a good technique is to spend time sympathizing with the person before the encounter, to imagine what their desires are, and how you can help them to meet them. E.g. "what problem has the employer got which is causing them to want to take on staff? How can I solve that problem for them?" "What sort of feeling would I like to give this person?"

People usually like to feel noticed and understood, people like to feel proud of themselves and their accomplishments, people like to feel part of a group, people like to feel funny, etc. Think about giving others these emotions, instead of how you would like them to make you feel. It will take the pressure off, because you won't be focused on trying to get your own needs met.

dawindwaker · 2020-06-16T00:02:57+00:00

Same sister (23m) and so I inadvertently attract the other girls and not the ones I’m attracted to

yurifca · 2020-06-15T23:38:32+00:00

Don't be ashamed of yourself in front of them, because just like the boring dudes, who cares if you're acting weird. It's even better because you select people that enjoy your funny side and are attractive with the same attitude

chomblebrown · 2020-06-16T00:50:54+00:00

I used to pretend she was super fat. works like a champ

Alex_O7 · 2020-06-16T06:30:10+00:00

May I suggest you to read "the subtle art to not giving a fuck"?

Basically you have fear to be rejected by a guy with you have a crush on, so you are try hard to be likeable and agreeable with him for the fear to lose him if you show to him your real self. But that's normal. The way to overcome this thing could seem brutal, i.e. you have to "trick" yourself to not give a fuck about your crush (or what real PUA would say you have to really embrace this state of mind). Convenient way to do that is to embrace the "abundance mentality", i.e. have multiple option available so you don't have the fear of been left alone if you make something wrong and you know you have backup plans. That's may seem ugly, like "where is the real love than?", or may seem ambiguous with polyamory stuff, but in reality is just a different approach, where you decide to have crush for people you are just with, not for somewhat strangers or friends.

For what is my experience when I notice a girl which could not be banter and have that struggle of managing with the crush thing, this turn me on immediately because it is a sign that they are into me, and that's a good feeling. So usually I read this signal and use this to be more confident by myself and escalate things on.

Also in general in don't see girls struggle much with this (at least most of the girls I know, but I have to admitI didn't have too much girl friends, and I saw first person this to happen just a couple of time with me) I think mostly because girls have a built in abundance mentality (because of men constantly hitting on them) so that they can avoid this to happen at least at early stages after knowing someone. But the world is beautiful because not everyone is equal one to the other!

paddywacknack · 2020-06-16T02:53:15+00:00

No one has said this yet but, learn to get comfortable with vulnerability. Brene Brown has EXCELLENT Ted talks on the subject.

2020-06-16T00:46:19+00:00

You don't have to worry about it. Guys approach girls because they like how they look. In that sense, your behavior comes second. Keep this in mind and act normal. If a guy you like approaches you, assume that he likes you. There's a huge chance you might be right. Simply make sure you're having fun.

2020-06-15T22:27:44+00:00

Pretend that they’re one of the guys that you don’t like.

blockfuture · 2020-06-16T03:10:40+00:00

This is super common. Exposure/practice is the best solution. Just make an effort to talk a bit more every time you can interact with a guy you like.

Confidence and comfort comes from gaining the skills required to converse in this scenario. Just like anything in life practice makes you better and confidence is a byproduct.

hostergaard · 2020-06-16T11:23:57+00:00

That is a very common issue.

As other posts details, you for various reasons ends up overthinking and not being natural.

Part is putting them on a pedestal, part is that you try too hard to be perfect. This is where the people usually just say "be yourself", it is true, that is the solution, but it's bad advice does not help you or give you any tools to deal with the situation. It's not actionable.

But it's one of the more tricky things to solve, but perhaps I can give you some advice; you gotta try to stop caring about the outcome. I know this hard, but it helps when you start internalizing it. Perhaps a good way to do this is by using the method used that people use to help become better at approaching girls and talking with people in general.

That is, when people struggle to have a flow in conversation and find something to talk about, its usually not because they do not have it, they just subconsciously filter most things away. We are social creatures and everything in your brain is evolved to be social, like walking it will take care of things if you just let it, but we have been taught growing up that there is a lot of things you can't say and so there is a subconscious filter that stops your brain from doing what it naturally does. If you remove this filter you can banter more easier with people. Similarly, for you, this filter comes up when talking with guys that you find attractive; you have been taught lots of ideas of what makes a girl attractive and your brain throws up these filters while racing to figure out how to appear attractive instead of letting your instincts take over. And there is where the issue is; attracting people is all about instinct. Sex is ancient and existest for eons, sexual reproduction exist in even the most primitive of species. There is and endless number of behaviors and instincts evolved to ensure sex happens, hundreds of millions of years of evolution that exist in you to ensure propagation. Human culture, however, is only some thousand of years old. Our culture can offer little in how to attract people, and only serve to confuse us. Just like if you try to conciously walk, to take each step carefully, you fail. Like playing QWOP. Walking is easy to do naturally, but thinking make it hard. Same with talking and attracting people, you got subsconscious systems that are great at it, but you liking him makes you think which makes it hard. What you need to do is to sharpen your instincts and learn to trust them. Learn to let go. You know you can do it, you can it do it with people you are not interested in.

So here is the thing people do to try remove filters; force yourself to go the person you like, open your mouth and start talking. Don't matter what. Just let it out and let your brain take you for a ride. It will happen, trust me, as I explained its deep within you. Just need to let it free. And to that you need to train yourself to remove the filters. And you do that by keep opening your mouth, saying stupid shit and being awkward until you start seeing nothing bad happens when you fuck up, and start being confident and let your brain do your work for you.

Tl;dr: Go to guys you like and start talking, say anything, and fuck up or succeed. Repeat until you condition yourself to be able to be free around people you like.

brisketandbeans · 2020-06-16T11:38:07+00:00

Try to chat with him the same way you would with a male coworker or friend. Better yet, when you are with a male coworker or friend note how easy it is. If you can talk with them like they you can talk to a crush too. Idk if that helps but it’s kind of what I do.

undeniably_confused · 2020-06-16T12:33:51+00:00

Try and make more Male friends, and try and talk to the guys you are comfortable with. Also men dont mind if you're nervous, some of my best memories are girls being nervous to talk to me. Idk

sloanpal144 · 2020-06-18T05:53:08+00:00

Lol this is one of the signs I look for to see if a girl might have a crush on me. If she can have a conversation with everyone else easily except for me. It's pretty telling lol

Tokemoke · 2020-06-16T00:48:54+00:00

Practice. I feel the same way with girls. You have to take a risk and it will feel awkward but you have to be the one to take it there.

I used to be bad at getting flirty with girls I like but I’ve had enough awkward experiences to realize it’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t like me. You are a girl so you will actually have a much lower chance of rejection. Good luck out there.

Chimera_Tail_Fox · 2020-06-16T09:22:47+00:00

1 (41m) am the exact same way and I hate it. The ladies I know that there is zero romantic interest I can cackle like a hen with, the ones I do like I forget how to speak around them. I just want to be normal, my life is shit. I take care or my alcoholic father and aging aunt. I have no life, I work a shit job at walmart. No self respecting woman would want any part of this and I dont blame them. Theres a lady at work who I think likes me back and I wish I could go on a date with her, I fear I would be way too toxic to her because Im so miserable. It absolutely terrifies me to get involved with anyone, its 416 am and Im probably not gonna make it to work in the morning because my dads pos drinkin buddy is here right now and his snoring is keepin me awake not to mention around midnight dads drunk ass started in on me about a coupling for the woodsplitter and I went off on him. Now my dog who is a rescue wont get near me because hes afraid. My house is very small so theres no such thing as privacy, dad lives in the living room and hasnt even taken a shower since March. I wish the lady I like knew all this and understood why I ignore her. Ive also been abused my whole life and have a lot of mental issues from Iraq and Afghanistan which just makes it all worse.

Sorry for letting all that out OP but I totally understand how you feel as I am the same way. I wish I had an answer for both of us and sincerely hope you find what youre lookin for.

KamiDess · 2020-06-16T09:28:27+00:00

Pretend like they just a friend, You're a woman so you're lucky you don't have to fear rejection because you don't have to go out of you way......... you just have to smile at him and let them take the lead.

Instead of worrying about something you have no need to, come up with questions now that you have a clear mind to determine if this person is not some kind of low key slime ball, That is the job of a woman. Raise the standards of humanity. This act is attractive to men.

coldwaterharsh · 2020-06-16T10:37:54+00:00

Haha great to see girls are into gaming too! My answer would be "DHV",if you don't know what DHV is,it is nothing but DEMONSTRATE HIGHER VALUE. Because everyone loves to date someone who is out of their league.

sashabobby · 2020-06-16T10:51:24+00:00

story of my bloody life. ugh

splugemonster · 2020-06-16T13:51:02+00:00

I had the same problem in my 20s. I realized if i treat the smokin hot girls like my below average female friend i got better results.

2020-06-16T14:17:45+00:00

You’re afraid of being rejected and a rejection basically means you’re a nice guy, but your genes shouldn’t propagate to the next generation. Which basically means you’re nice, but your kind should die out.

That is an existential fear, which takes over. So... get at ease get more rejections, you’ll start to discover its not such a big deal and another women will say yes in the future.

plutosapocalypse · 2020-06-16T14:36:12+00:00

Same here. I get intimated by guys I find really hot

Chicksunny · 2020-06-16T16:51:34+00:00

I have never read a more truer post in my life that I could relate to

2020-06-16T18:24:57+00:00

Wow let your panties down enjoy life more. Didn’t be afraid to let lose with someone you like.

haafamillion · 2020-06-17T02:58:19+00:00

With guys you like, you care about the outcome.
With guys you don't like, you don't care about the outcome.

With guys you like, you're focused on yourself.
With guys you don't like, you're focused on the conversation.

So, with guys you like, stop focusing on yourself. Stop focusing on the outcome. Just focus on them and the conversation.

Insecurity arises as a result of worrying about what will happen *to you*.
Think of them instead of yourself and your worries will melt and you will enjoy your conversation.

612grrl · 2020-06-16T02:06:44+00:00

It helps me to have a single glass of wine beforehand. I only drink a few times a year so if you drink more you may need two glasses.

RicktatorshipRulez · 2020-06-16T00:46:58+00:00

Try just ignoring the fact that you like them. I know that’s easier said than done, but just try looking at them as people and put your feelings to the side. That may also have the added bonus of getting to know them more as a person than just a crush.

techsin101 · 2020-06-16T01:45:29+00:00

think about 3 years in future and regret you will have.. series of regrets.

shanuv12 · 2020-06-16T03:18:38+00:00

Don't pedestalize them. They are just humans

ImPlayingTheSims · 2020-06-16T04:19:13+00:00

I do the same thing. I think the trick is to imagine you don't like tham

Userman17 · 2020-06-16T04:34:14+00:00

No shit. That is the entire purpose of this sub, no?

talissonp · 2020-06-16T04:35:59+00:00

That's why we can ask girls out, the ones who we like a lot.

Lagstravaganza · 2020-06-16T04:42:05+00:00

Read a book about self confidence

AlblindoDildo · 2020-06-16T08:22:55+00:00

I think this is a really common thing for males and females

Pink_Hanna · 2020-06-16T08:48:17+00:00

Blah blah blah blah blah

If you are weird, just be weird. If they don't like you for who you really are...

renegade453 · 2020-06-16T09:35:18+00:00

Fear of showing weakness towards a persons strength. Fear of getting rejected. Depends on your own personality

squatch1601 · 2020-06-16T10:35:34+00:00

I had a similar problem but I struggled with talking to people in general. The only thing to do, is to go through with it anyway. Eventually you get ok with rejection, and learn to bury your nervousness.

Doesn't just have to be talking to people you like, do things that aren't necessarily unhealthy or bad, but make you uncomfortable. You will get used to not caring about being uncomfortable.

MrSwankyBLUM · 2020-06-16T10:57:17+00:00

I'm the exact same except for the opposite gender

ddredden · 2020-06-16T13:24:44+00:00

1) You're awful

2) That's how it's supposed to be - that's a good sign for short and long-term success. There is no problem here.

rich_vitamin_d128 · 2020-06-16T14:09:55+00:00

I’m gonna assume the guys you don’t like start liking you because of this.

ModernMoonGirl · 2020-06-16T14:33:51+00:00

I feel exactly the same way

bumblebritches57 · 2020-06-16T15:45:20+00:00

SAMEEEEEEEE

2020-06-16T18:53:54+00:00

You don’t you embrace it. It will always be there but just like anything else you only get what you put in hard work for unless you inherit it in some way. You have to overcome (and see the reward) to get over this irrational fear of rejection.

yeeeewhawwwww91 · 2020-06-18T21:23:12+00:00

That’s what happens, the hot guys will call you weird and your tiny ego can’t handle it.

singl3hand3d · 2020-06-16T00:19:49+00:00

Join the club lol that’s the way it is with most guys and the girls that we like! Will come back with a serious answer later

supawoman2k2 · 2020-06-16T01:47:26+00:00

Totally the same lol

AT541 · 2020-06-16T00:00:30+00:00

[permanently deleted]

bdennis1991 · 2020-06-16T01:29:20+00:00

SAME HERE... My one and only flaw 😉 (27M)

yurifca · 2020-06-15T22:21:07+00:00

Write them a handwritten love letter complete with envelope and addressed to them.

Deliver it to them in person with a bright smile.

No other girl is doing this and it’s so cute and unique that it will really make you stand out from everyone else.

Title	I(22F) can banter and chat with guys I don’t like but not with a crush
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	526
Comments	90
Date	June 15, 2020 10:09 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/h9q1cq/i22f_can_banter_and_chat_with_guys_i_dont_like/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i22f-can-banter-and-chat-with-guys-i-dont-like-but.1497304 https://theredarchive.com/post/1497304

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