Are feelings normal to discuss in marriage?

Beamformer · 2024-05-30T17:32:54+00:00

Turns out most all my emotional issues were from being married to and parenting with a cluster B nightmare. I do tend to sorta get a hold on my emotions first now, but yeah they are part of my healthy relationship. Definitely, they contribute to an overall closeness and understanding of each other. That said, my ex used any weakness ever presented as a weapon, it's a big red flag and I would rather find out sooner rather than later.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-05-26T17:11:44+00:00

You don’t share your inner self with your woman, that is what a therapist and buddy are for. You will be viewed as weak otherwise.

DocumentOwn690 · 2024-05-26T15:27:04+00:00

The short answer is yes, in any relationship both partners should feel safe to express how they’re feeling in order to work through any issues that may arise. Conversely, each partner should hold space for the other to express themselves freely.

The other side of this is that it’s all a delicate balancing act. Neither partner’s experience is objective fact. Each is one person’s subjective reality that is shared and integrated into the other’s understanding of their partner’s reality, but is not adopted as their own. It’s always a tug of war that both partners have to participate in proportionally for it to work.

I visualize it as two people painting the background for a landscape together, the goal being for each one to start on their side of the canvas with their respective color, and work towards the center, letting the colors swirl and intermingle and blend together beautifully. A perfect 33/33/33 balance only happens if both artists have the same amount of paint, the same size of brushes, and both agree on the amount of space in the middle for thoughts and ideas to blur and mesh together. Fortunately, we are all human and perfect balance looks different to everyone.

It’s perfectly normal to paint, but if our partner stops or slows down, it doesn’t mean that their idea of balance has shifted and we are entitled to more of their space and emotion. It just means their colors aren’t as pigmented or they’re not painting as much right now.

Like I said, every relationship has a different balance, and it’s both partners job to work together to find a balance both are content with. But just because one partner only needs a little pigment compared to the other, doesn’t mean there shouldn’t still be a third color for them to blend into. We’re all just trying to decorate our blue skies.

woahbrad35 · 2024-05-26T13:03:37+00:00

Women always want us to be sensitive and communicate, but in my experiences, most of the time it gives them the "ick" if I've showed much emotion, especially sadness, fear, or anxiety.

Cheb44 · 2024-05-26T12:16:46+00:00

I feel like my experience was similar but more focused on me talking about our struggles. Either way, you may come out of this and realize a lot of those issues go away when she goes away. It will take awhile, then you start to notice, “damn I feel less depressed” or less anxious.

west-rain-shadow · 2024-05-26T08:08:03+00:00

In the latter months of my marriage my emotions and vulnerability - past or present - were wielded against me as a cudgel. This after "I like that you can be vulnerable with me" and "I love that you're not afraid to show your whole self" and so on.

I still would not change how I operated in the relationship, in this regard. A partner I must consistently censor myself for is no partner at all. If I'm going to have that I'd rather have a hookup or a short-term girlfriend. Then there's no confusion about anyone being there for anyone else.

Yet every fight it was “that’s just your anxiety” getting the best of me.

This is just weaponized psychobabble. You see it on the more woman-targeted parts of Tiktogram, and also here. "narc", "bpd", etc, with no clinical diagnosis. Using these disorders in a colloquial way can provide some good heuristics and categories to identify truly vile behavior from partners. This can help overcome normalization of this behavior in a relationship. However, I don't feel these disorders should be used by laypeople to provide a diagnosis (and thus an explanation). Partly because they aren't clinicians, but primarily because it gives an excuse. "My spouse can't help it, she has BPD." "Oh yeah, she has bipolar but it's not treated." Nah, bro, maybe none of those are true. Maybe she's just a piece of shit and you should have left her on the street where she belongs, years ago. Maybe you ignored the little voice in your head that's been telling you all that time, because you thought you could make it work. But you can't and you never could.

airandseabattle · 2024-05-26T07:45:51+00:00

I said this in a comment response and I will say it here because I disagree with what had been said by others.

Be yourself. Your whole ass self. You shouldn’t change who you are because someone else isn’t emotionally strong enough to be with you. You will find a woman one day who respects you for who you are and supports you. Sure, continue to work on yourself, it’s wildly important because we can always be better people, but never hold back from saying how you feel.

wroubelek · 2024-05-26T07:24:16+00:00

You know, it's a bit like asking: is driving a sedan normal? My uncle said I should never be driving a sedan, much less while having three kids, is he right?

See, these are things that people set up in their lives according to what aligns well with them. You like sedans, you buy a sedan. Your uncle might only drive SUVs, and that's also fine.

From a psychological standpoint, the ability to identify, communicate, regulate your emotions, empathize with another person, and understand the influences of emotions on behavior and cognition (together dubbed Emotional Intelligence) positively correlates with satisfaction from romantic relationships. So not only is it "normal" to speak the language of emotions, it's actually recommended.

Now, how that translates to your particular situation, I don't know, and nobody else, who's not familiar with your situation, knows. Most likely, there's a plethora of tacit, never formulated complaints hiding behind the "too emotional for me" and "the sprinkle of any emotion" catch phrases. If you need to ask random strangers on the Internet for confirmation, or to have the weight of their opinion on your side, I'd venture to say, the communication in your dyad isn't great — but that's consistent with you two getting divorced, and you posting in this sub.

Yet every fight it was “that’s just your anxiety” getting the best of me.

That's certainly an interesting avenue to explore, if you like.

So, all in all, on a practical note, if two people don't quite fit together, they should be able to file for a divorce. That's regardless of what a panel of experts in a scientific journal decide about sharing your emotions :)

Potential_Item610 · 2024-05-26T05:01:29+00:00

Do not share anything of how you feel, it simply makes you weak in her eyes and makes finalizing things more difficult. There is zero reciprocity in being emotional, she is the enemy and will take advantage of your weakness, destroy her as you would anyone else who has wronged you.

fagashtabac · 2024-05-26T04:50:21+00:00

My wife isn't interested in my feelings, so I've learned to keep them to myself.

If I told her I was feeling down, for example, the conversation quickly turned to how she was feeling down and even more down than me. And how selfish of me to worry about myself more than her. From then it would become a fight and she'd be mad with me until I apologised.

Seems this is most women. I thought it was just my life.

Nadathug · 2024-05-26T04:45:07+00:00

Never share your emotions with your woman.

They can’t help because they have no clue how men struggle. They live life on easy mode, they’re used to men doing things for them.
Women desire men who they view as protectors, so if you show your vulnerability, you’ll be perceived as weak. Yes, that’s fucked up and guys can be vulnerable and still be a man. However your woman will literally be less attracted to you if you show her that side of you.
Your girl is not your therapist. Women just don’t care about men’s feelings. Go talk to your guy friends or see a (male) therapist.
She obviously disregards your feelings so stop trying to get water from a dry well. She’ll never care so don’t expect it. Only discuss the divorce and once you’re gone, never talk to her again.

In any relationship there’s always one that loves the other person more. If the woman loves her man more, she’ll let him lead, let him make decisions, and be more turned on by him. If the man loves the woman more, she might love it at first, but eventually she’ll think the guy is too clingy, kind of desperate, and she will eventually cheat with a guy she sees as more dominant, right before she leaves for good.

Growing up, it’s easy to think a great relationship consists of great communication, but when we’re younger we’re unsure what that looks like. Our parents might have been terrible at communicating, so we want to feel like we’re having better relationships by sharing everything. I’m sorry, but it’s a trap. You’ve got to keep secrets to yourself for your own good. Be strong. Move on. The next relationship, you’ll do things differently.

InevitableTour4 · 2024-05-26T04:21:52+00:00

I have completely the opposite issue, I’m too reserved in my emotions making it hard for people to read what I’m feeling. I think it is entirely a couples dynamic though in the amount of emotion shown/communicated.

savage_cabbages · 2024-05-26T02:53:25+00:00

And stop talking to her except for divorce proceedings

savage_cabbages · 2024-05-26T02:52:42+00:00

Sounds over, prepare for separation/divorce. Hard truth but imagine a mindset that you're single....coz that's what's coming.

Emotions are part of life, we experience them everyday. Someone burnt your coffee....how do you feel? Emotion

Get your divorce admin in line....your single.....think like that be like that. There's no going back man, she's cooked.

Title	Are feelings normal to discuss in marriage?
Author	Gullible-Seaweed4109
Upvotes	11
Comments	28
Date	May 25, 2024 11:13 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1d0o549/are_feelings_normal_to_discuss_in_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/are-feelings-normal-to-discuss-in-marriage.1519546 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519546

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