How to deal with my stbx during our divorce?

dnbndnb · 2024-06-03T02:00:07+00:00

I’m guessing you allowed such behavior during your marriage. Well, might as well stop it now. Youre response was correct.

lurkermurphy · 2024-06-02T05:28:42+00:00

My kids were about the same age, and my now-ex sounds exactly like yours, so freshly from the other side, I would say never talk to her on the phone again and hire the best lawyer your resources permit. She will definitely blindside you with some lawyer trick you never see coming. The court will probably tell you to communicate through some stupid website that preys on divorcees and both of you will hate it, so just assume that every text and email will be used in court so only communicate super professionally and save all of her stuff like that.

whiskey_piker · 2024-05-31T02:21:43+00:00

I went email contact only w/ my Ex during the process. Same issue; toxic asshole that always escalated fights. No phone calls and mo texts and this has been the vase for the last 5yrs. Besides email is easy to submit in court with dafe stamps.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-05-30T20:05:30+00:00

I've been trying to be civil and cooperative, but earlier today while talking on the phone, my stbx called me a "fucking dumbass", so I hung up on her.

No more phone calls or in person convos. It can become he said she said and you dont know if you're being recorded (on phone or in person). Email only on large issues and text for kid pickup/drop off and emergency. Other things can be coordinated via email. Think NARROW AND SLOW. One channel and no fast responses.

As for being cooperative: do what is in your kids best interest, then yours. Do NOT worry about her. Dont do her any favors. Dont make things hard but dont feel like you need to make it easy. This is a business deal now, nothing more.

This got me thinking, from your humble experiences, what do you guys think the do's and dont's of dealing with my stbx so that I can keep this process as smooth as possible until our divorce is finalized?

Set up email filters for your lawyer and spouse to go into respective folders.
Turn off alerts if you want. I would rec turning off alerts for the spouse not your attorney. This way you dont see "ex name" pop up on your phone and, frankly, ruin your afternoon. Also you wont be tempted to read whatever it is.
Have a set time every week that is "Divorce BS time" - maybe from 6-7 on Tuesday and 12-1 on Saturday. READ THOSE EMAILS ONLY DURING THAT TIME.
Compose replies BUT DO NOT SEND. Give it a day and go back and re-read it and tweak. For the lawyer: more questions and detail. Batch your emails with lots of questions/info/needed materials. They all cost money so send a big one rather than several small ones. For the spouse: less needless info and removing anything thats not related (i.e. emotional). Your lawyer has other clients and wont reply asap anyway so you can take time as well.
Anything you write to the spouse keep it SHORT and on point. Business like. No drama as quick replies can be emotionally charged. Pretend ANY email you send the spouse could have a judge looking at it or their attorney reading in court without context. Wirte as if you're emailing a stranger and you dont want them to know anything about you.
Dont engage in email/text battles - either with your attorney (just set up a call!) or the spouse (they will NEVER end well/solve anything). If they text you just reply with "that sounds important, send an email". You want the electronic trail and email is better than text (i.e. your phone dies and its not backed up). With the ex: Slow all communication, text/email to a few hours. Then a day. Then two. Once she stops getting that instant reply she will back off.
Only provide materials (i.e. discovery documents/paperwork) WHEN ASKED and ONLY to YOUR LAWYER. Do not email things to your ex or to their lawyer or try and assist your ex with anything during this process unless it is to your advantage. Do not pre-submit because if things take a long time, its now out of date and you're submitting it again, all at $400/hr.

Less communication the better - both for your mental health and not saying anything that could bite you later on. Keeping it in email retains and electronic trail. Again, text should be for last min kid coordination (pick up/drop off/child sick) and emergency only.

I had one text battle and it ended with a huge fight about scheduling and adjustments to the schedule. In the end those changes cost me about $3500 in attorney fees. I think about those dozen texts over fifteen minutes and, if I had kept my mouth shut, I would have saved a few grand.

biscuts99 · 2024-05-30T14:49:51+00:00

Me and stbx were high conflict for a couple months because she just left and dealing with the breakup. Eventually she will say something some baffling stupid you realize there is no point in talking to her.

cdjohnny · 2024-05-30T11:57:30+00:00

check with your FOC, many have apps that are monitored by FOC and are required for each parent to use. I have a friend whose ex constantly called her names, etc...it helped immensely

DazzlingEcho6475 · 2024-05-30T11:12:57+00:00

I deal with a similar stbxw. Unfortunately there aren't any guaranteed ways to really deal with someone like that. The suggestions so far of formal communication only is a great place to start, and what you've done so far is good. Don't let her start an argument and keep it going, especially with rational points. In my case, she doesn't have a shred of respect for me, so she will tear into me, and if I don't answer she will do things to make my life more difficult, usually by not helping with the kids. I'm not in a place where I can reliably setup child care, because we don't have a temporary parenting schedule in place yet. I can't afford to pay the childcare we need on a 100% basis. I didn't move out because I don't want to lose access to my kids, and cohabitating is....stressful at best. She does nothing to help around the house, doesn't take the kids anywhere, and leaves when she wants to meet AP. Saying anything to her just makes her act worse. I generally try to just ignore her presence now.

In some cases, I have read about spouses basically bending over and taking it up the tailpipe in hopes of getting an easy settlement and a quick divorce. Adapt to what ends up being best in your situation. If you can significantly cut her out of most of your day to day interactions, you can almost start living your post divorce life. Stay strong!

ExtensionAir9675 · 2024-05-30T08:22:38+00:00

Formal!!! Talk only about the divorce. I did that. Blocked her on all platform except mail but also informed her that anything related to divorce goes through our lawyers. Thats all. The rest , I fcuking care🦧

GroparuNemernic · 2024-05-30T04:45:48+00:00

Brace yourself up and don't let her know she can get to you. Show immunity to abuse and manipulation. Nothing p*sses them off more.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-05-30T01:59:15+00:00

She kept calling and I just kept ignoring her, then I texted her, that moving forward, she should not call me unless it's an emergency, and that she can always text/email me.

Good thought and good start. Slowing down communication is the top tactic. Effective communications in a high conflict divorce start with yourself. The less you react, the less you argue, the calmer you remain the more effective you will end up. She’s angry, you’re probably not in your best frame of mind. There are two goals: (1) for her to come to the realization that she can’t use her emotions to achieve an outcome with you; and (2) to achieve (and provide) some level of compliance with each others’ reasonable needs during the divorce. With immature people, 2 is not that difficult. She either gets the carrot or the stick and for every ask there is a give. Your relationship with her is transactional now. Does that make sense?

MidniteOG · 2024-05-30T01:43:55+00:00

Communicate only through text and record any interaction. Check laws to see if it’s legal

Title	How to deal with my stbx during our divorce?
Author	jd385272
Upvotes	8
Comments	24
Date	May 30, 2024 1:30 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1d3scio/how_to_deal_with_my_stbx_during_our_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-deal-with-my-stbx-during-our-divorce.1519999 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519999

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