The main thing that drives sexual attraction in women is leadership

It may shock you to hear this, but most men have no idea what REALLY makes women sexually attracted to men. If asked, most men would say womens’ sexual attraction is mostly driven by money, status, and good looks (with a strong emphasis on money).

In my experience, I have found that this to be completely wrong. Women are certainly attracted to competent, ambitious, successful men, and every man should work to improve his money, status, and looks, but tons of women ditch rich, good-looking, high-status men for broke losers, sometimes ugly broke losers. In addition, tons of good-looking, rich, high-status men constantly failed with women despite having everything women want on paper. Do not take my word for it. The richest men in the world (Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Bill Gates), the most famous and good-looking men in the world (Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Arnold Schwarzenegger), and even the most famous pornstar in the world (Johnny Sins) were all dumped by their wives or girlfriends. If those guys could not keep their women with all the money, status, and looks they had, what hope is there for you?

It logically follows, therefore, that there is something else women want from men, something that is probably more important than money, status, or looks. What is it?

The answer is that women want a lot of things. They want a man who will be nice to their mother. They want a man who has good table manners and chews with his mouth closed. They want a man who likes the same obscure musical artists they do. They want a man who will kiss them on the forehead. They want a man who can cook amazing Italian food. They want a man who is the opposite of their asshole ex. And so forth.

But the fundamental thing that women want is a leader. Women evolved to find many traits attractive in men (height, good looks, confidence, competence, athleticism, etc.), but the thing that underlies most of these traits is the desire for the individual that is most willing and able to take the lead, venture into the unknown, and confront challenges. This desire for a leader is deep, primal, and usually subconscious, and it permeates everything women want in a man.   

The leader is attractive to women because he can generate emotions and emotional experiences that no other person can. As we will learn, humans’ strongest desires are for acceptance and for fun adventures that include novelty, challenges, and the improvement of one’s material, mental, or spiritual state. And the leader is the individual most able to provide these feelings of acceptance and adventure, which is why he is not only attractive to women, but also why he is the source of most of their positive emotion in general.

Being a leader does not mean that you need an important job or a group of people following your orders. In fact, you can be a broke loser living in your mom’s basement with no power over anybody and still feel like a leader to women. When it comes to sexual attraction, leadership is above all a feeling, and that feeling is that you are first and foremost the leader of leader of YOURSELF. Put another way, women must feel like whenever you do something, you do it because you want to do it, not because some other person (your parents, your friends, society, or worst of all the woman) is making you do it. At its deepest core, that is all being a leader is.

Women determine the leader by observing a complex set of traits, and most of this book is about what these traits are and how to project them. But you can summarize the traits of the leader as follows: the leader fights tooth and nail to ensure that his emotional experience is fun, positive, and unencumbered by anybody else’s bullshit, which is why he is so attractive. The leader focuses on his mission (whatever it may happen to be in that moment) and does not let anybody get in his way or distract him. He lives life by his own rules, puts himself first, and does whatever the fuck he feels like. He does not obey anybody else or cower before anybody, he does not conform to society’s rules, especially stupid rules, and he projects the feeling that he has the agency and power to fix the problems in his life. He has his own beliefs, opinions, and sense of morality, and does not cave to whatever the “tribe” is supposed to think. He also has strong boundaries and quickly eliminates anybody from his life that is not positively contributing to it.

The hardest thing for men to understand about womens’ sexual attraction is that it is primarily driven by emotion, and emotions can be completely divorced from reality. To make women feel like you are a leader, you do not need to lead some amazing adventure like an expedition to the top of Mount Everest; you just need to project the feeling that you are a leader. When you ask a girl out, you must propose a time and a place and make her feel like you have a plan for the date. When having a conversation with the girl, she must feel like you are leading it and will change the subject if it becomes stupid, boring, or other unpleasant for you. When you invite her to your apartment for sex, she should feel like you have a plan for what will happen, including what will happen if she says no, rather than feeling like an awkward, bumbling idiot. And on and on.

Women literally evolved to sense who the leader is from the bottom of their soul, so if a man comes up to a woman and confidently introduces himself without caring what she or anybody else thinks, she will feel sexual attraction. On the flipside, a guy can be a rich CEO of a successful company with hundreds of employees but still not feel like a “leader.” This may sound irrational and stupid, and it IS stupid, but if a woman feels like a man is acting timidly, anxiously, or hesitantly, or that he is following others, censoring himself, or parroting an opinion he does not really believe, she will subconsciously feel like he is afraid of another man. Of course, this is not necessarily true: there are tons of perfectly reasonable reasons that a man would want to restrain his impulse to take the lead and do whatever he wants, but that is not how women evolved to see the world. Women evolved to see human relationships as a power struggle, and to her subconscious brain, if you are not the leader somebody else is the leader.

Womens’ desire for the leader is connected to their desire for the noble savage. Women subconsciously identify the noble savage as the “leader” because he does whatever the fuck he wants, takes whatever the fuck he wants, and follows no rules other than his own. This is why women have a strange attraction to serial killers, “bad boys,” guys that feel “dangerous,” and guys that live on the fringes of society. But women do not consciously want a guy who is an asshole or lives in the dregs of society – they just find themselves attracted to these guys because they feel like the leader. In a weird way, womens’ desire for the guy at the top of the hierarchy leads them to the guy at the bottom of the hierarchy.

I first learned to appreciate the power of leadership by observing my friend Chris.

Chris was the last you guy you would think would succeed with women. He was not particularly tall, good-looking, well-dressed, smart, interesting, or funny. But he had one thing that made him a poon magnet: he loved to plan and lead social gatherings. Chris was a project manager at a tech company, and he enjoyed using his project management skills to plan fun events for him and his friends. Almost every weekend he organized something: a party at his house, a trip to a music festival, or just a meeting at a bar or nightclub for a drink.

Chris also had sex with tons of attractive women he had no business having sex with. As the “leader” at his events, he chose who was and was not invited, he gave commands to the partygoers, and he created fun emotional experiences out of nothing. By doing these things, he tapped into that deep, primal part of the female brain that is attracted to a leader who creates fun emotional experiences. Chris was a friendly and easy-going guy, but he never did the typical things guys do to get laid: he would not try to impress women by bragging, he would never buy them things, and he would never do undeserved favors or give them undeserved compliments. He did, however, provide something much more important and rare: genuinely fun emotional experiences they could not get anywhere else. To a lot of women, going to music festivals with a big group organized by Chris was a life-changing good time.   

As an extreme project management nerd, Chris would not let anybody else tinker with how his parties were being run. He also had bulletproof boundaries when it came to shitty behavior. He had been bullied in high school, so he had absolutely no tolerance for negativity and bullying at his parties, so if anybody started trouble, acted creepy, or did anything else inappropriate, he would immediately have them kicked out. Of course, Chris never actually confronted anybody himself – there were plenty of juiced up meatheads at his parties that happily did the dirty work for him. So even though Chris was a harmless nerd, men and women looked at Chris as a powerful and scary guy because he would eliminate anybody that disturbed his good time. This created an almost magical aura around Chris, and people that were much taller, more attractive, and bigger were intimidated by him and extremely nice to him.

Chris’s parties were a fascinating study of power in human relationships. Beautiful women who were normally bitchy and snobby became submissive and friendly around Chris, and often found themselves helping Chris by buying stuff for the party, helping him clean at the end of the night, and even kicking out troublemakers. (Chris never asked for help – the women volunteered on their own because women evolved a natural impulse to help the leader). And after a long night of helping Chris, following his commands, and have a great time, the women often took the next step and went home with him. In return for their help, they got to feel like they were the “first officer” to the leader and had status in Chris’ kingdom. In fact, Chris’s biggest problem was that his helpers were often too zealous. For example, women would frequently try to kick Chris’s friends or other women that liked Chris out of the party, and Chris had to tell them to chill the fuck out. 

Chris had a giant advantage with women for one reason: MOST PEOPLE ARE TERRIFIED OF LEADERSHIP. Chris’s leadership was not particularly impressive – sometimes he would send a text saying “Meet at Taphouse at 8PM” and TapHouse would be closed. But it did not matter. Everyone in Chris’s social circle liked to party, but most were too chickenshit to take the lead and make a plan, so Chris was the leader by default. And if it were not for him, most of the drunk douchebags and slutty girls in his social circle would have no social life. It was always amazing to me that beautiful women at Chris’s events sometimes told me they would be home watching TV if Chris had not invited them out. These girls had everything on god’s green earth but the gumption to make a plan.

Leadership strikes people with fear and anxiety because it requires taking responsibility, exposing yourself to judgment, and risking rejection by the group if the mission fails. Most people would rather be a conformist follower rather than accept the pressure of leadership. For this reason, you will often find that taking the lead is surprisingly easy. If you act confident and like you have a plan, most people will quickly fall in line and do what you say. Try it! Next time you are out with your friends, whenever the activity starts to get lame take the lead and make it fun. You will be amazed by how many people go along with you.

But again, you do not actually need to lead other people to succeed with women. You just need to lead yourself. Chris naturally felt like a leader at his parties because he WAS leading. The fact that he was making a plan, holding his boundaries, and creating a fun emotional experience tickled that primal part of womens’ brains that wants the leader, and he would have been attractive even if there had been nobody else there.

But sadly, Chris sucked with women outside his own events because, like most men who have success with women, Chris had no idea what was causing women to like him and could not recreate that magic whenever he wanted. At other people’s parties, Chris was just a regular person, not the leader, and women did not give a shit about him. Women also often regretted having sex with Chris after they got to know him. There is a special kind of embarrassing regret when a woman wakes up in a messy bedroom full of Dungeons and Dragons action figures and realizes she just fucked a guy because he invited 15 people to a nightclub. Women at Chris’s events were under the spell of an irrational emotion, and they snapped out of that emotion when he was no longer the leader.

My website: http://www.woujo.com