TL;DR: Married young, built a life, made mistakes, trauma stacked up, wife asked for divorce a year ago, we’ve been separated but living in the same house ever since, I’ve spent the last year doing serious inner work and changing as a man, but she has no interest in rebuilding. Now I’m wondering if leaving means failing my daughters.

A year ago, my wife asked for a divorce.

Since then, I’ve done a ton of soul-searching. Therapy. Reading books on communication, attachment styles, relationships, parenting, emotional regulation. I’ve worked hard to become a better dad, better husband, and honestly just a better man.

But I need outside perspective.

My wife and I got married very young.

I knew her in high school, but we never dated back then. We started seeing each other when I was in my freshman year of community college about 2 hours away. I moved back home to be closer to her and never went back to school.

We got married within that first year.

We were married about 5 years before having kids. Fast forward, we’ve now been together 16+ years and have two daughters, almost 7 and 11.

I’ve worked in sales for over 15 years. It’s been good to us financially in many ways. My wife hasn’t worked in over a decade, and I’ve carried the financial side.

Important context: she’s a DACA recipient. She came here as a small child, has work authorization and a Social Security number, but citizenship/legal stability has always been complicated. Between that, us not having college degrees, kids, and lifestyle creep, I felt constant pressure to provide harder and harder.

At one point our fixed monthly expenses alone were around $8,000 before food, kids, activities, and life.

Somewhere in all that, we lost each other.

Communication got bad. Blame got easier. Distance grew.

After both kids, I believe she had postpartum depression. Looking back, I absolutely was not equipped to support her the way I should have. My answer to everything was basically “work harder and fix it with money.”

That was a huge mistake.

After our second child, I got a vasectomy because we agreed we were done having kids.

Then years later… surprise pregnancy.

Doctor confirmed the vasectomy had reversed itself.

This part is hard.

Because of where we were emotionally, financially, and mentally, we chose abortion.

It wrecked both of us.

I regret it deeply. Knowing who I am now, I would have handled that differently.

I think that event created resentment, grief, anger, and emotional damage we never properly dealt with.

Then finances got tighter. Debt grew.

I took a job 3 hours away because it paid really well and I genuinely thought sacrificing more would save us.

Instead, after about a year of that, she called and said she wanted a divorce.

I never cheated.

But I also know now I brought a lot of unhealthy patterns into this marriage. Anxious attachment. Validation seeking. Making my worth about being needed. Working instead of emotionally showing up.

So I moved back home.

And when I came back, I genuinely tried to rebuild something.

But here’s the reality.

For the last year, we’ve been living in the same house, in separate bedrooms.

She doesn’t really talk to me when the kids aren’t around.

If the kids are around, we can laugh, joke, co-parent, even feel normal at times.

But when they aren’t? Silence.

It’s like I’m a husband to an ex-wife.

There are stretches where we’ll have a few good weeks where things feel friendly and okay. Then something happens and we’re back to anger, resentment, coldness, or distance.

At some point I went back fully into sales because financially we couldn’t just keep circling the drain.

So now I feel stuck.

Going through the motions.

A year ago, this would have destroyed me because I needed her validation so badly.

Now? I don’t.

Therapy and inner work changed that.

I’ve learned how to love myself in a way I never did before.

Which also means I no longer accept being spoken to in ways I used to tolerate.

I used to be reactive too, so I’m not pretending I was innocent.

But I’m not that guy anymore.

And I don’t expect to be treated like I still am.

The hard part is I know healing isn’t linear.

Maybe she’s still carrying unresolved pain from everything we’ve been through.

I get that.

But she has zero interest in moving forward with me.

No relearning each other.

No baby steps.

No rebuilding trust.

No growth together.

So now I feel stuck in this weird limbo where I’m showing up, co-parenting, paying bills, existing in the same house... but emotionally, the marriage has been over for a long time.

And here’s what’s messing with me:

I don’t know if I’m staying because of guilt.

History.

Fear.

Comfort.

The girls.

Or because after being with someone this long, leaving feels like failing.

Especially failing my daughters.

Even though technically… she’s the one who asked for the divorce.

Has anyone been here?

At what point does staying become worse than leaving?