Marriage/Sex Counseling Basics?

justpickanyusername · 2018-10-29T21:53:21+00:00

part of my long-term plan if my wife doesn't respond naturally to the changes I've made/am making is to try for some sort of marriage and/or sex counseling before I insist on divorce from my wife.

Why? Let's say you succeed with your logic based approach to resolve her "hang ups". Do you really think she will have genuine desire for you as a result?

You cannot negotiate attraction.

It is either there or it is not. Two things. Decide whether you really are attractive or not. If not, you suck, lift, sidebar. If you are attractive, then decide whether you can live with someone that does not genuinely desire you. If yes, then STFU. If not, move on and divorce. There is your simple logic based approach. It has nothing to do with her, therapy, counseling, hang ups, or whatever.

screechhater · 2018-10-29T22:52:56+00:00

To many fucks are given by an unattractive man

Childhood traumas are less traumatic when crawling on glass to fuck you

Frame, Stocism, Lift, Diet, Book of Pook

Dread

BobbyPeru · 2018-10-29T22:01:36+00:00

Question: So, has your sex with her always been infrequent and lackluster?

I already know the answer, so don’t bother.

You have become unattractive to her.

Become attractive: lift, sidebar

If you do Counseling, do it individually

RedLiftingStraps · 2018-10-29T23:50:49+00:00

You may be right; she may have taken enough damage points in her life that therapy would help. However, you cannot make her do it. I mean, you technically can,with some kind of threats, but unless she actually recognizes a need that comes from her own place, sitting with someone on a couch listening to things she doesn't want to hear and resisting talking about things she doesn't want to talk about is just going to make her feel shittier and make your relationship worse. She'll then take that shitty feeling out on you for making her be there.

Even worse that trying to negotiate attraction is to give an ultimatum which has hidden behind it a big covert "you better become attracted to me" stick.

Your efforts are much better spent in making yourself attractive, being her oak, and not tiptoeing around, you know, *cough*sex*cough* being a normal part of a relationship.

stanktronic · 2018-10-30T00:00:51+00:00

I did marriage counseling. I did it half to actually work on my marriage and half out of professional curiosity (I am a divorce lawyer).

I did a type of therapy called Imago Therapy. It is based on a book called “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, PhD.

I found that it was helpful. And I think you could do it in a way that is consistent with RP.

The basic idea was this (and this is my interpretation, so I could be wrong):

There is this thing called attachment theory. It has to do with how young children learn to be social humans. We ‘attach’ to our caregiver and learn how human society works from them.
The result of this is an attachment pattern. The analogy he gives is this. Basically your parents teach you to play tennis. So when you seek a mate - you look for someone who also plays tennis. You don’t get with someone who plays golf, football, etc.
But no two people grew up playing tennis the same way. Maybe in your family you played tennis wearing cutoff jeans and didn’t bother to keep score. But in her family - they were members of a club and played in a league.
So the end result is that you are each initially attracted because you like tennis. But eventually you find out that you each play tennis a little different. This causes confusion and frustration.

I think the goal is to realize some of these dynamics that operate under the surface. When you do that - and you appreciate how it makes you act in ways you aren’t even aware of...I found it helpful. It was sort of an opportunity for me to appreciate how can come off to other people...and get my shit together a little bit.

I think if you approach it as a way for you to learn how to do better for yourself - as opposed to going so that someone can ‘fix’ your spouse - it can be helpful.

FF0000_captain · 2018-10-29T22:40:33+00:00

Trauma? Religious? Yeah, she may very well need therapy to unfuck herself enough for you to be satisfied.

But going to "couples" therapy is either one of two things:

1) you being captain save a ho' by taking an active role in trying to fix HER problems 2) you being a punching bag by admitting to her that you are equally responsible for HER problems

Let her go to therapy (alone) if she's willing. Problem is, she isn't willing, because you aren't worth the effort.

Get it yet?

Taipanshimshon · 2018-10-30T02:21:52+00:00

You think she doesn’t know that lack of sex is a problem ?

You’d think your otherwise noncrazy wife would work on that for the sake of your relationship with you.

That is.

If she wanted a sexual relationship with you.

red-sfpplus · 2018-10-30T02:33:40+00:00

Did someone say Mormon?

Mormon slayer checking in.

Only thing any Mormon mom has told me about pain during sex is “harder daddy.”

Yeah baby.

Reject444 · 2018-10-30T16:13:32+00:00

So it sounds like individual sex therapy for her is probably the best approach, rather than some sort of couples'/marriage counseling. Does anybody have any experience with sex therapy, for themselves or someone close to them? I know that there are different modalities and schools of this therapy, so I'd be interested to hear any perspectives regarding the merits of the different methodologies. And does anybody have any guidance on how best to research, vet, and select a therapist? Do you think it matters in this type of situation whether the therapist is male or female (obviously some of this will depend on the individual patient, but I'm asking in general)?

youscum · 2018-10-29T21:33:56+00:00

part of my long-term plan if my wife doesn't respond naturally to the changes I've made/am making is to try for some sort of marriage and/or sex counseling

What part of "the stay plan is the same as the go plan" did you not understand? If she doesn't respond to your improvements, counseling won't help either.

Here's my advice: Less thinking and giving a fuck, more lifting.

The_Litz · 2018-10-30T07:22:41+00:00

Your expectations and her expectations are totally different.

I am all for her going for counseling to heal and overcome certain problems, but I get the feeling you are standing in the wings with your dick in your hand waiting to pounce because she went for a 'tune up' and will now be a sex kitten.

Temper your expectations and you will both benefit from her sessions.

Frosteecat · 2018-10-30T16:05:29+00:00

I’d tread very cautiously into marriage counseling, with a focus on individual first. I happily went along with the suggestion and now find myself being “counseled” by a 20 something lesbian who doesn’t know the first thing about a LTR, let alone a heterosexual 20 year marriage. I’m being blindsided by my wife every other week with unexpected recounts of my past Beta behavior and trying to find a way out of it. Basically I’ve said “this is emotional puke session and that’s not what I’m all about these days—let’s put a pin in it for now” but obviously not getting a lot of support on that lol. Research your therapist deeply and vet the shit out of them.

wkndatbernardus · 2018-10-31T03:02:25+00:00

I'd say your attractiveness is the issue here. If she was an active make-out participant with you prior to marriage, she most likely wants to bang but, you aren't giving her the feelz. Work on that and forget the counseling, she'll just be validated in her shitty Sahara poontang behavior.

I had this exact same shit happen to me. Religious upbringing for both of us and we didn't sleep together before marriage. Wedding night comes around and, guess what? She doesn't "feel comfortable having sex". She pulls this shit on me for 3 years until I discovered she was banging a friend of mine, hard, on the regs. Of course she gets prego from him which, in hindsight, I'm happy about because it is the only reason my dumbass would have ever considered divorce.

Anyway, I believe this dumpster fire of a relationship was mostly due to me not leading her. I wasn't attractive nor was I taking control of our life. She was left to fret about the future because she didn't trust me. I believed that since we were married, i was entitled to her love and affection. Truth is, she didn't owe me shit except what I poured into our life, which was minimal to non-existent.

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2018-10-31T20:10:45+00:00

Nothing about you or your age or your wife’s age of how long you’ve been married. What kind of advice can you expect?

Always remember, we only fuck the person that we are attracted to. Are you that person to her? Can you get any woman that’s better today? Or do you have to lose weight and stop being a pussy all the time?

Past sexual trauma, or worse; childhood sexual trauma, will always come home to roost with a woman that has never had to A) face her own issues and deal with them B) been sheltered and protected by her Beta man for the majority of her life. You have created an arrangement where you don’t get sex and she is happy not to give it up.

The problem for you is that now you realize “Whoa!! I’ve got another 25yrs of marriage and I don’t see myself getting ANY sex!! Life really is too short!!” The problem for her is that now you are changing the rules of the game you created for her. Why should she change?

She doesn’t need to agree to the terms of the new deal. You just have to hold firm to that new deal. I(46) was with my ex(50) for the better part of 23yrs. I was in a similar boat except was having sex all the time with her and threesomes with young single girls. I put her on the program to change her shit attitude (that I enabled) and start being accountable to add value to the relationship (which I enabled her not to need to do). I completely changed the rules that she was accustomed. She resisted; almost like the way you’d try to take your car to the bathroom to wash it in the toilet; but. It as subtle. I needed the counseling, but only to understand why I was such a worthless fuckup. This was pre-TRP for me, so I had to slog it out alone. My main issue was being a pussy, taking too much, waiting for her to agree or start acting like a productive human.

You’ll find your own path; from the mistakes of others. Start by being accountable in OYS thread.

Rian_Stone · 2018-10-31T22:39:40+00:00

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RedPillCoach · 2018-11-01T18:19:20+00:00

a very strict religious upbringing that basically conditioned her to think of sex not intended for procreation as sinful.

This is heresy. Read the damn book my man. It's all in there.

--Wives, obey your husband in all things (Paul, Peter, etc).

--Do not deprive one another of sex (Paul, Peter, etc).

--Enjoy the breasts of your wife (Ecclesiastes)

--Be fruitful and multiply (Genesis)

--wet, drippy sex is awesome (Song of Songs)

stephenhughes · 2018-11-02T00:16:27+00:00

Before I discovered MRP, I went to a counselor and told him that I wanted to work on my relationship without having to talk to my wife about it. I had already discovered that trying to 'figure things out' with her was not productive (only took me ten years to figure that out, smart cookie that I am).

Luckily it was a counselor who is into choice theory (taking action) and not cognitive behavioral therapy (chick stuff).

Anyway he proposed we examine a model, which was basically frame combined with a needs hierarchy. Then we chose some activities to re enforce the model. I came up with lifting weights (the only thing that will benefit me regardless of what the future holds), reading more (i'm interested in psychology, behavior, the brain, drugs... ) and becoming more socially active (I've isolated myself over the years).

Anyway my point is that all roads seem to lead to the gym, the sidebar books, and getting busy.... And in my case, lifting dumb-bells in the basement with my twin 12 year old boys, listening to Led Zeppelin, and waiting for the right moment to tell them the world of shit they are about to step in.

As for my wife. Maybe I'll gain 30 lbs of muscle and she'll want to fuck me again. Maybe she won't. Either way I'll be in a better place. I won't elaborate on her.. not my thread.

Final thought though. I thought once that I was negotiating attraction, but ended up just winning a weekly 5 am visit to be told to 'hurry up, so I can go back to sleep'. That's worse than no sex.. and the only reason i still show up is to maintain some sort of dominance while I work on myself. I'd rather smoke a joint and take care of business myself, frankly. Guess I did talk about her a bit. My bad..

Anyway good luck. Get to work. Don't give up. It feels good to have a plan.

Psychocist · 2018-11-02T21:47:02+00:00

She has always been very resistant to any form of counseling or therapy when I've suggested it (which is why I think it now needs to be part of my ultimatum if things go that far)

Ultimatums are weak. You can't coerce her into change and attraction. Stop trying to control her and focus on your own behaviour.

Title	Marriage/Sex Counseling Basics?
Author	Reject444
Upvotes	3
Comments	51
Date	October 29, 2018 9:26 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9shg2u/marriagesex_counseling_basics/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/marriagesex-counseling-basics.203842 https://theredarchive.com/post/203842

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