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Looking for help saving my marriage

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December 28, 2017
8 upvotes

I’m looking for advice as to how to save my marriage. I’m working on leading, but am finding it difficult to overcome being beta my entire life while learning how to lead a Type-A, strong-willed, career-driven, matriarchal/feminist wife. She’s at the point where she wants a divorce, and, despite believing that the Bible forbids it and knowing that it would be terrible for our two girls (3 and 6 years old), I suspect it may be the only way I will no longer need to continue putting up with her constant complaining, nagging, yelling at our two girls (most often because they enjoy aggravating her), and general disrespect and defiance, all of which our two girls also routinely employ on me (and her as well). I also haven’t been able to determine if this is one big fitness test, one big comfort test, or some combination of both.

About me: I’m 35 years old (my wife is 37), have been married for 9.5 years (together 10 years total), and swallowed the red pill about 10 months ago. I’ve been lifting and steadily losing weight for about 9 months (I’m 6 feet tall with a slender frame and am down to 155 lbs. and ~12% b.f. from 190 lbs. and ~30% b.f.). I tend to avoid conflict as much as possible, am introverted, and would rather avoid people than interact with them due in large part to the difficulty I have in “thinking on my feet”, which translates to awkward, one-sided conversations and problems implementing AA and fogging. I am also a full-time teleworker (which I understand may be part of the problem) and earn a six-figure salary, which is only about 50% of our total income. My wife works part-time in the medical field and has the potential to earn 1.5x-2x my salary if she returns to working full-time.

I’ve read Rollo and “No More Christian Nice Guy” and have started reading WISNIFG, but nothing else from the side bar. I also read Dalrock frequently and Deep Strength less frequently. I haven’t read MMSL yet, mainly since I find my wife unattractive due to her attitude and appearance (pregnancy was very unkind to her body and she has no real desire to lose the weight). Despite our issues, we have sex roughly twice per month, although I have no real desire for it and have not initiated in at least a few months. (I see her initiating as an indication that I have not completely failed to internalize what I’ve learned and that my situation is not completely hopeless.) I also have a few hobbies, but nothing that otherwise gets me out of the house.

I’m currently in the process of developing short-term and long-term visions for my family, which include moving my family away from the large, overly-expensive East Coast city we live near, homeschooling our daughters, and becoming more self-sufficient and self-reliant. However, I suspect that my wife will resist these changes despite our finances trending in the wrong direction due to over $100k of debt (student loans, credit cards, medical debt, and auto loans) that she refuses to stop enlarging in combination with private school tuition. I’m also seriously considering opening new checking and savings accounts to remove her access to my salary and hopefully apply some pressure to her to adhere to a budget. My major hesitation is that these changes, either alone or in combination, may prove to push her too far.

In view of this, what advice can you give me (beyond the generic “be a better leader”, “OYS”, “stop DEERing”, “read the sidebar”, etc., which I completely agree with) to help me overcome my frustration with my slow progress, my anger and resentment toward her, and can give me a shot at saving my marriage? And what other information can I supply to make this advice more relevant? Feel free to link to other threads and blog posts if you think they might be relevant. Thanks.


Post Information
Title Looking for help saving my marriage
Author javyd
Upvotes 8
Comments 43
Date 28 December 2017 01:39 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205018
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7mjfx9/looking_for_help_saving_my_marriage/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
DalrockWISNIFGRollobetaframecomfort testliftthe red pillfeministMMSL
Comments

[–]sven_igortsen9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

I’ve been lifting and steadily losing weight for about 9 months (I’m 6 feet tall with a slender frame and am down to 155 lbs. and ~12% b.f. from 190 lbs. and ~30% b.f.)

Why the fuck would you go out of your way to be so skinny? At 6 foot tall you should be a strong 180 pound lean muscle machine. 155 lbs is too skinny and not attractive at all.

Get your shit in order at the gym man wtf are you doing.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

Sven, you beat me to it.

OP, you haven't been lifting shit if you are 6' and 155 pounds. You are a concentration camp survivor. Start eating and lifting, this time for real.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

She’s has to fuck the machinist twice a month. Holy crap

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nah he's got 20 lbs on OP

[–]creating_my_life29 points30 points  (4 children) | Copy

I don't even know where to being with this complete puke mess all over our nice clean subreddit.

I’m looking for advice as to how to save my marriage.

You entirely have the wrong goal. This entire post is about your wife. MRP fixes men. Somtimes that fixes marriages. We don't care. We fix men. And holy shit do you need fixing.

I’m 6 feet tall with a slender frame and am down to 155 lbs.

What's your squat, dead, and overhead press numbers?

She’s at the point where she wants a divorce,

She was there years ago. She just wants you to kill the puppy now.

despite believing that the Bible forbids it

I'll bet you a beer your wife is having an affair. Or two. And loving every minute of getting boned.

I’m also seriously considering

That'll show her. You're CONSIDERING!!! You must be really angry now!!! You know what a boundary is that isn't enforced? It's pure shit, that's what it is.

deepstrength.wordpress.com

Seriously. What is it with all you super religious types? You know that's a major part of the problem with you, right? I'm not going to harp on it.

read the sidebar

Which books have you read twice? Can you give us a two-sentence summary of the main theme of each book you've read?

haven’t been able to determine if this is one big fitness test, one big comfort test, or some combination of both.

Nobody is testing you. They don't respect you. Women test men they respect to see if they're still worth fucking. She's checked-out.

I tend to avoid conflict as much as possible, am introverted, and would rather avoid people than interact

Grow a pair.

I see her initiating as an indication that I have not completely failed to internalize what I’ve learned and that my situation is not completely hopeless.

Nope. It's the minimum effort she needs to do to keep her lovely part-time work life and access to your paycheck. No more.

over $100k of debt

Good god man. how fucking out of control are you?

in combination with private school tuition

"We can't afford private school any more. I'm enrolling the kids in public school starting in two weeks." See? How hard was that? What you didn't tell us was that it was a bible-thumping religious school that you support. Because you can't even be honest here.

she has no real desire to lose the weight

...for you.

I can't believe I just wasted this my time typing all this. I give this post two days before it turns into [deleted].

[–]lapeparoja3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

you are a saint

[–]BobbyPeru3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nice break-down

[–]javyd[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I can't say I agree that your time was wasted on a much needed wake up call, but to each his own.

[–]creating_my_life1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I hope not. I have faith in you. You're trying to do the right thing, but don't know what the "right" thing is. You've found a fantastic resource in MRP, but will you learn from it or reject it?

Post back on Wednesday, January 31st and let us know.

Your homework assignments:

  • read the MRP OYS posts each week.
  • read all the sidebar books. Take notes. Read the books again. For real.
  • Develop a vision statement for your life. An interesting question that helped me with this was, "If my wife died in her sleep tonight, what would I want my life to be like?"

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

We don't save marriages. We build better men. Are you willing to give it all up? Because until you are, you can't be better or save your marriage.

[–]rollston10003 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Dude,

you must understand one thing. Marriage in Christianity is considered to be valid if and only if two parties love each other, and both have been able to consciously enter into the marriage. A number of symptoms (age difference, your introversion, short relationship before getting married) shows that you have been probably used. Your wife wanted to get married, not get married with you, and you were not able to see that/question that.

Your marriage is probably dead, and probably never was really alive. Seek an advise from a church lawyer (the person that can asses whether the marriage was binding). Sex twice a month does not really count. It is probably her sex drive.

The good news is that she still has not divorced you yet, which gives you a chance. It is good that you work out, but this alone is NOT going to solve all your problems. It is just the beginning, although you should book for that 3 evenings per week.

You need to get frame. Start with simple things - first of all, outplan your wife with relatively insignificant issues - if she is planning for two weeks, plan what you all will do 3rd week. Inform her about those plans and if she does not object instantly, stick to execution no matter what. She has to learn you are a man of your word.

In the meantime, practice laughing at your wife’s behaviour. You can accept polite requests, but not direct orders. You can do it gradually.

Then extend your planning for more important things - family events, finances.

Those two things should show your wife that you are a man capable of taking care of the family.

On the top of everything else - work on your frame.

As I have said - your marriage was never a real marriage and probably has no future, but your only way to solve it is exactly the same as the way to break out of it. And definitely prepare for a divorce - sidebar here outlines what you need to do. If things will work out - great.

[–]javyd[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This in combination with what u/derrickhoardlmft said really has me thinking. Thanks.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You would be the type of soft faggot who picks and chooses only the light gentle comments to agree with. I'd ban you for being a faggot and not think twice because people like you are total wastes of time and completely lost causes. Unfortunately, I don't mod askMRP.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You sound like a Type 3 Dysfunctional "Captain". Read that post and the comments for guidance on your path forward.

and have not initiated in at least a few months.

This is passive, reactive (and probably sublimated passive-aggressive) behavior that is part and parcel of your ceding frame and all leadership in your family and marriage to your wife. Beta bitch behavior; fix this immediately.

(I see her initiating as an indication that I have not completely failed to internalize what I’ve learned and that my situation is not completely hopeless.)

Actually, it reflects complete failure in frame, leadership, and earning respect. But it may mean that there's some physical attraction that may give you a chance to salvage this if you can learn to be a man rather than a resentful, passive-aggressive beta bitch.

[–]rocknrollchuck3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Leadership:

Finances:

Wife's lack of self-improvement

And realize that here, as soon as you mention the Bible you will get dumped on by many. That's just the way it is. I'm a Christian and have found a lot of value here, although realizing that my Biblical views and some of the general views here don't line up. And that's ok.

For a Christian perspective on your situation (to supplement the advice given here, NOT replace it), go to RPChristians and post there as well.

Above all, DON'T delete this post. The advice given here will work, if you make the effort. But remember, just like they tell you on the airline safety demonstration, you have to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others with theirs. So fix yourself first, and your family will most likely follow.

[–]javyd[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the encouragement and the links.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Check your testosterone. Initiate sex more.

Also, how is your Game? Are you having fun? Sometimes guys just lift and not do all the other stuff, like have fun with your wife (I mean seriously, you'd think you would want to have fun with your wife).

It also is easier if you get some buy-in before going Rambo on the finances.

[–]outlawrp2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

No comment

[–]javyd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Will do.

[–]missaudreyhorne2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

It is great that you are focusing on you and your kids, that should be your focus. Sounds like your wife at this point is a hindrance to you and your children. You need to be a strong father to overcome her domineering/feminist teachings. Children do not turn out well with these types of mothers. You need to model the appropriate husband/wife balance which means you are the boss. If she will not acknowledge you as the leader, she is not fulfilling the biblical principals herself and is not actually a wife at all.

Keep working on you and see if your wife comes to her senses or not. She is still initiating sex so that means she still desires you. Have you told her you no longer find her attractive? She may really not know you don't find her attractive in her current state. Women don't think of sex as often, so she may not even notice you no longer initiating. Once you are both enjoying sex again it might be easier to work together on the other problems.

Just curious, what is her job that pays that well?

[–]albus_scirocco1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

she is still initiating sex so that means she still desires you.

No, it doesn't mean that at all. It means she likes a cushy part-time job and access to his bank account, so she does the minimum she feels is necessary to keep the good times rolling.

Your wife is cheating on you. Guaranteed.

[–]missaudreyhorne0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are likely right. I amend my original statement. OP should be able to tell if she still actually desires him or if she is doing it out of obligation though, no? If she genuinely still enjoys sex with him and still is attracted to him is a good sign.

Women tend to become disgusted by men they don't respect and repelled by them sexually much earlier in the deterioration of a relationship men does the woman.

I don't think it's guaranteed that she is cheating on him, but it is very possible especially since she is ready to divorce even though she is supposedly religious. She doesn't seem like she wants to fight for their relationship and I wonder if it's because she already has a backup.

[–]javyd[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I have not told her, but I will consider it.

She is a physician assistant in a cardiac surgery ICU.

[–]missaudreyhorne0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I am guessing she is a part timer to stay home and watch the children?

If she tries to resist your budgeting, give her two options (people do better with options) either go back to work full-time to support her pampered lifestyle and miss out on spending time with the children, or continue to enjoy the fruits of being a part time stay at home mom by budgeting.

People usually won't change unless it's easy. Your actions are likely making it easier for her to stay fat than have the motivation to lose. If you decide to take action I suggest to stop all physical intimacy, reject her when she makes attempts, make her wonder why, and when she demands to know what's up, RELUCTANTLY tell her that you just aren't attracted to her since she gained the baby weight. Tell her that you didn't tell her at first because you didn't want to hurt her feelings, but that you have a very difficult time physically responding to her since her weight gain and now you realize your marriage will fail unless you can reconnect on a physical level. If she really cares about saving the marriage, she will make an effort to become attractive for you again. Especially if it's obvious that you are improving yourself.

[–]SgtSilverBack0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I can garuntee you that no wife that acts as OP's gives two shits what the Bible says SHE should do.

Luckily OP shouldn't care either because he can't control her. Thinking she should behave a certain way the Bible says she should is akin to watching porn and resenting when his wife isn't a pornstar.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

6 feet tall with a slender frame and am down to 155 lbs.

You need to start lifting heavy objects

Despite our issues, we have sex roughly twice per month,

Twice a week should be a minimum

So, she wants a divorce, and you are thinking about throwing long term plans at her? Quit sabotaging yourself.

You need to focus on you . Either she will come around or she won’t. Don’t go chasing her... it will make you look pathetic and she will despise you even more. Instead, become the prize and make the stay plan the same as the go plan. But seriously, you need to bulk up to become more physically attractive.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Look in the mirror. That’s your biggest problem

100k in debt ? WTF is wrong with you ?

[–]Senor_Martillo2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Re: finances, That's not really that much, all things considered. Op says that includes student loans and car payments too, and he and wife are both making 100k+. Two $30,000 cars, a smallish student loan and a couple of $5k credit cards can hit $100k in no time and those are all fairly reasonable purchase numbers.

But as to looking in the mirror: dead nuts accurate. Our boy here needs to internalize the concept of dread. Since wife has a job and an income, he's in less danger of divorce rape, thus is free to accelerate that part of his map.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's not that much, but as a drunk captain, it's absolutely telling his lack of discipline

I don't give a fuck what anyone says, it's obscene to carry that much debt, and I make a shit load of money

[–]hystericalbonding2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

The kids learned disrespect by the example set by you and your wife. When you read WISNIFG, think about the example interactions from both perspectives, not just the protagonists of each scenario. You need this whether you divorce or stay married. You think divorce will fuck up your kids, but you're fucking up your kids right now.

[–]javyd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Harsh, but much deserved and helpful.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

If you only have sex twice a month you are either masturbating a lot, depressed or very low T, which one is it?

[–]javyd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The more I think about it and look into it, I suspect it's a nasty combination of depression and low T with masturbation being a non-factor. With this in mind, I'll definitely need to make a doctor's appointment and get this figured out ASAP.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wow, lots going on here. I know you’re in OYS mode, but you still sound soft and afraid and worries about how you’ll DEER next.
If she told you she’s done, but you’re still trying to “save the marriage” you clearly aren’t getting the clue. Sure she might be telling you this because it’s true; but she might also be telling it to you to describe where she’s at. Either way, you can only focus on you. She mag come around and she may not; but you can’t do things that WILL MAKE HER do anything.

[–]Wolveryn1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I tuned out when the bible came into it, but I will say that this sub can be brutal when it sniffs weakness and this person needs useful advice... so to those on here just posting to further cut this dudes non existing balls off, please refrain, there’s no balls left to lose!

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Let’s start with the low hanging fruit: going from 190 lbs to 155 after 9 months of lifting at 6 ft tall is a complete and utter fail.

Fix this and then let’s concentrate on the next level.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I’m looking for advice as to how to save my marriage.

we can help you save yourself.

to save your marriage go elsewhere

[–]javyd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fair enough.

[–]redandswollen1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Read way of the superior man. Lift weights and bulk like your life depended on it, because it does. Be emotionally supportive. Appraise your actions and make sure that you aren't being passive aggressive

[–]sleepkeeping1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’ll have array been smashed by the MRP meteor but here is my 2c:

  1. MRP will fix you.
  2. MRP may or may not fix your relationship.
  3. You need to lift heavy, and get strong.
  4. You need to gain some muscle mass.
  5. You need to fix that $100k debt.
  6. You need to initiate on your wife.
  7. You need to go lift weights when she rejects you.
  8. You need to get male friends.
  9. You need to hang out with these male friends.
  10. You need to learn to say no to your wife.
  11. You need to accept that your marriage is probably over.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

My major hesitation is that these changes, either alone or in combination, may prove to push her too far.

You've already lost.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Are we saving marriages now? Did I miss the addition to the sidebar?

[–]javyd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Original, unedited post

I’m looking for advice as to how to save my marriage. I’m working on leading, but am finding it difficult to overcome being beta my entire life while learning how to lead a Type-A, strong-willed, career-driven, matriarchal/feminist wife. She’s at the point where she wants a divorce, and, despite believing that the Bible forbids it and knowing that it would be terrible for our two girls (3 and 6 years old), I suspect it may be the only way I will no longer need to continue putting up with her constant complaining, nagging, yelling at our two girls (most often because they enjoy aggravating her), and general disrespect and defiance, all of which our two girls also routinely employ on me (and her as well). I also haven’t been able to determine if this is one big fitness test, one big comfort test, or some combination of both.

About me: I’m 35 years old (my wife is 37), have been married for 9.5 years (together 10 years total), and swallowed the red pill about 10 months ago. I’ve been lifting and steadily losing weight for about 9 months (I’m 6 feet tall with a slender frame and am down to 155 lbs. and ~12% b.f. from 190 lbs. and ~30% b.f.). I tend to avoid conflict as much as possible, am introverted, and would rather avoid people than interact with them due in large part to the difficulty I have in “thinking on my feet”, which translates to awkward, one-sided conversations and problems implementing AA and fogging. I am also a full-time teleworker (which I understand may be part of the problem) and earn a six-figure salary, which is only about 50% of our total income. My wife works part-time in the medical field and has the potential to earn 1.5x-2x my salary if she returns to working full-time.

I’ve read Rollo and “No More Christian Nice Guy” and have started reading WISNIFG, but nothing else from the side bar. I also read Dalrock frequently and Deep Strength less frequently. I haven’t read MMSL yet, mainly since I find my wife unattractive due to her attitude and appearance (pregnancy was very unkind to her body and she has no real desire to lose the weight). Despite our issues, we have sex roughly twice per month, although I have no real desire for it and have not initiated in at least a few months. (I see her initiating as an indication that I have not completely failed to internalize what I’ve learned and that my situation is not completely hopeless.) I also have a few hobbies, but nothing that otherwise gets me out of the house.

I’m currently in the process of developing short-term and long-term visions for my family, which include moving my family away from the large, overly-expensive East Coast city we live near, homeschooling our daughters, and becoming more self-sufficient and self-reliant. However, I suspect that my wife will resist these changes despite our finances trending in the wrong direction due to over $100k of debt (student loans, credit cards, medical debt, and auto loans) that she refuses to stop enlarging in combination with private school tuition. I’m also seriously considering opening new checking and savings accounts to remove her access to my salary and hopefully apply some pressure to her to adhere to a budget. My major hesitation is that these changes, either alone or in combination, may prove to push her too far.

In view of this, what advice can you give me (beyond the generic “be a better leader”, “OYS”, “stop DEERing”, “read the sidebar”, etc., which I completely agree with) to help me overcome my frustration with my slow progress, my anger and resentment toward her, and can give me a shot at saving my marriage? And what other information can I supply to make this advice more relevant? Feel free to link to other threads and blog posts if you think they might be relevant. Thanks.



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