I’m looking for advice as to how to save my marriage. I’m working on leading, but am finding it difficult to overcome being beta my entire life while learning how to lead a Type-A, strong-willed, career-driven, matriarchal/feminist wife. She’s at the point where she wants a divorce, and, despite believing that the Bible forbids it and knowing that it would be terrible for our two girls (3 and 6 years old), I suspect it may be the only way I will no longer need to continue putting up with her constant complaining, nagging, yelling at our two girls (most often because they enjoy aggravating her), and general disrespect and defiance, all of which our two girls also routinely employ on me (and her as well). I also haven’t been able to determine if this is one big fitness test, one big comfort test, or some combination of both.
About me: I’m 35 years old (my wife is 37), have been married for 9.5 years (together 10 years total), and swallowed the red pill about 10 months ago. I’ve been lifting and steadily losing weight for about 9 months (I’m 6 feet tall with a slender frame and am down to 155 lbs. and ~12% b.f. from 190 lbs. and ~30% b.f.). I tend to avoid conflict as much as possible, am introverted, and would rather avoid people than interact with them due in large part to the difficulty I have in “thinking on my feet”, which translates to awkward, one-sided conversations and problems implementing AA and fogging. I am also a full-time teleworker (which I understand may be part of the problem) and earn a six-figure salary, which is only about 50% of our total income. My wife works part-time in the medical field and has the potential to earn 1.5x-2x my salary if she returns to working full-time.
I’ve read Rollo and “No More Christian Nice Guy” and have started reading WISNIFG, but nothing else from the side bar. I also read Dalrock frequently and Deep Strength less frequently. I haven’t read MMSL yet, mainly since I find my wife unattractive due to her attitude and appearance (pregnancy was very unkind to her body and she has no real desire to lose the weight). Despite our issues, we have sex roughly twice per month, although I have no real desire for it and have not initiated in at least a few months. (I see her initiating as an indication that I have not completely failed to internalize what I’ve learned and that my situation is not completely hopeless.) I also have a few hobbies, but nothing that otherwise gets me out of the house.
I’m currently in the process of developing short-term and long-term visions for my family, which include moving my family away from the large, overly-expensive East Coast city we live near, homeschooling our daughters, and becoming more self-sufficient and self-reliant. However, I suspect that my wife will resist these changes despite our finances trending in the wrong direction due to over $100k of debt (student loans, credit cards, medical debt, and auto loans) that she refuses to stop enlarging in combination with private school tuition. I’m also seriously considering opening new checking and savings accounts to remove her access to my salary and hopefully apply some pressure to her to adhere to a budget. My major hesitation is that these changes, either alone or in combination, may prove to push her too far.
In view of this, what advice can you give me (beyond the generic “be a better leader”, “OYS”, “stop DEERing”, “read the sidebar”, etc., which I completely agree with) to help me overcome my frustration with my slow progress, my anger and resentment toward her, and can give me a shot at saving my marriage? And what other information can I supply to make this advice more relevant? Feel free to link to other threads and blog posts if you think they might be relevant. Thanks.