706,399 posts

How to avoid being Butt Hurt (Mini FR)

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December 8, 2016
11 upvotes

Me: Mid 40's 6'5 220, lifting like it's the last thing on earth. Diet dialed in (macros, calories etc etc) Lean mass gaining, and BF dropping every month (working on recomping) SMV improving every month.

Finished sidebar reading, starting over on it again. Swallowed the pill in July.

Seeing some success. Especially with A/A and STFU. (Although I could have done more of that in this instance) I'm a wordy bastard, and in sales, so old habits die hard.

You can read my first thread, basically stating that I didn't get any BJ's until my pussified Beta self managed to bring it up to her 4+ years ago. Then it started slowly, and has gone downhill from there. She has gone down on me maybe 10 times. And even then you could tell it was a chore. Pissed me off. (still pisses me off)

Last night after some lame sex, I flat out told her, I'm not interested in starfish. (didn't even mention anything else) I guess I broke frame on that one, but I didn't come across angry, just told her straight up. I'm not interested in pity sex, or her just laying there. And for those of you that say "go caveman" on her. Tried it.

At any rate, out of the blue she blurts out "I know you want oral, but honestly.. it's just disgusting. I have to go to a different place (in her head) to do that to you. I love you and so I did it to try and make you happy, but I hate it" (side note, I've tried to go down on her many, many times. She refuses.)

I just STFU and let her hamster start running. She goes off on how in our group of friends, we are the ones that have the most sex, etc, etc. And comments like "you think it's better out there, but it's not" I just let her go. When she was finished, I said " I don't care about anyone else's sex life, my happiness or satisfaction isn't predicated on how we are doing compared to other couples. Either it works for us or it doesn't. Told her I'm glad she got that off her chest, kissed her on the head and went to the gym.

I was pissed, I'm still pissed. Furious. I find myself realizing that my head is spinning with a bunch of NMMNG stuff. (Covert contract) "after all I've done for you in the last 20+ years, you can't do this ONE thing for me??" Had a helluva good workout.

When I got back, her hamster had been working overtime, poor little bastard probably is going to have a heart attack. Fur was all matted, breathing heavy..

Her: "I shouldn't have said anything, I knew it as soon as I said it"

Me: STFU

Her: "I could tell that you were disappointed"

Me: "Nope. I'm fine"

Her:"I know what you are thinking, so don't tell me that"

Me: "Ok, I might as well go do something in the living room then, and you can have the argument by yourself if you know what I'm thinking"

Her: "I mean, it doesn't mean I'll NEVER do it again, I just don't understand why it's so important to you?"

Me: "Just because you say you don't want to do something, doesn't mean I'm going to stop wanting it"

Her: "yeah, but now I'm going to pay for that comment with you being cold, distant etc"

Me: "Nope"

Kiss on the head, and rolled over.

I KNOW the right answer is not to be butt hurt, I know it. It works. But how do you get that resolved in your head and get past it? I'm so pissed last night and today I can't think straight. I know it's that giant covert contract in my head.

Right now, I want nothing to do with her. But any break in the normal routine, or me "pulling away" is going to come across like Butt Hurt and giving her the cold shoulder. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking "If I act just fine, then she'll think I'm fine with her not going down on me, or spicing up our sex life" like it's giving her comfort that it's ok.

How do you walk that tightrope gents?

I have been in the best mood since posting this, and just going about my day. She has been sulking around, I know that hamster is running hard.

Tonight she tells me "I Love you and I want you to be happy. I just need to get over this I guess"

Wow.

STFU works. Damn.


Post Information
Title How to avoid being Butt Hurt (Mini FR)
Author MRPN00b
Upvotes 11
Comments 43
Date 08 December 2016 06:16 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206803
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5h8ho8/how_to_avoid_being_butt_hurt_mini_fr/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
betaframehamstersexual market valueliftcovert contractNMMNG
Comments

[–]innominating12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy

Outcome independence and no-butthurt come from abundance mentality. Lose weight, gain muscle, be cocky funny, and start gaming other women to the point where you can realistically expect to be able to pull 24 year old HBs and have them suck your dick. At that point, your wife will want to suck your dick, or she won't, and if it is important enough to you, you'll be equipped to do something about it. Until then, you have a covert contract and you're being a butthurt bitch.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

100% spot on. You are right. I'm working on lifting and SMV improvements almost to the point of OCD. And yes, that big covert contract is hanging there. Pissed. But working through it. I guess this would be the "anger phase"

[–]smidevaek2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm working on lifting and SMV improvements almost to the point of OCD.

What are these other SMV improvements you speak of? You don't once mention how other women are responding to you. How are you improving your game and abundance mentality besides STFU with your wife?

Oneitis. It seems you have it.

[–]innominating1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm sure you're in the anger phase. That is unrelated. The anger phase doesn't necessarily generate covert contracts. That's on you. The problem you have here is you are trying to change your wife (getting her to suck your dick) and you can only change you.

[–]sh0ckley1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

start gaming other women to the point where you can realistically expect to be able to pull 24 year old HBs and have them suck your dick. At that point, your wife will want to suck your dick

OP, this is Fact.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (15 children) | Copy

Sounds like she's trying to please you, but has a lot of sexual hangups. She knows what you want. I wouldn't talk about it again or you'll sound whiny.

I mean, how bad do you need a BJ to feel fulfilled in life? Do you really need head or are you looking for the validation of a wife who eagerly sucks your dick? Head from a hooker can't be more than $100.

I think you're trying to negotiate desire-- or at least have a covert contract about it. If your wife is in her 40s and isn't into BJs she may never like them.

To get over the butt hurt I suggest that you have the expectation that you'll never get an enthusiastic BJ from your wife. Sure she'll suck your dick once in a while but she'll never like it. If you can't live with that, you look at ways you can change yourself or your situation.

Also, if you're not hot enough for college girls to give you BJs don't expect that your wife will all of a sudden like it. Be more attractive.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Paragraph 4 you hit the nail on the head. The rest it sounds like you're giving too much leeway.

She's trying to please you

So what....cut her some slack? No, her hamster is just blurting out loud anything it can to make her feel better. "Our friends have sex less" "I have to go to a different place in my head". It's bait, and if he blue pill agrees with it in the least she will reel him in and feel justified in her lack of BJs.

How bad do you need a BJ?

Sounds like this is trying to deliver some guilt to him? Like it's his problem he wants a BJ? Assuming it isn't for validation, if the guy wants a BJ he wants a fucking BJ. Doesn't matter if it ranks low on your priority list, doesn't matter if it ranks high on her disgust list. He wants a damn BJ.

 

Again paragraph 4 hits the nail on the head. OP either accepts his wife won't provide that value (and stops bitching about it) or he gets his BJs from somewhere else. You know what, I'll give you props on paragraph 5 as well. OP if you CANT get them elsewhere...then the problem IS you.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Not trying to guilt him. Rather, trying to find out his real reasons for wanting a BJ. Is it that he just wants the physical act? Or does he want unsolicited enthusiastic, sloppy BJs? Because the former is easy enough to obtain by being assertive. The latter....

[–]MRPN00b[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Agreed. She actually does want to make me happy. But with limits (obviously) and yes, I will NOT be bringing it up. But like I said in the reply above, I actually didn't bring it up this time. She did. Which means (like you said) that she is aware it's an issue for me.

To your other point about how bad I need it. I guess ultimately it's about validation. So, yeah. Work to do obviously.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good. Understanding that working on yourself is the way forward. It's empowering. Sounds like you might need to start looking into bluepillprofessors 12 steps of dread if you are unsatisfied.

[–]wild_deer_man0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I mean, how bad do you need a BJ to feel fulfilled in life? Do you really need head or are you looking for the validation of a wife who eagerly sucks your dick?

I think there is a distinction here, there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel attractive, the kind of attractive that makes women abandon all inhibitions. But some wonen or some relationships will simply never make it happen. Maybe the blowjob is too concrete here, but I think that if OP's wife did other crazy things he, might forgo this specific act. Am I in the direction OP?

This is of course where Oneitis and abundance mentality come in.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy

Yeah, if you've got all your shit together and she just flat out doesn't want to give BJs, it's something in her mind. Reminds me of that dialogue out of WISNIFG about going to the nude beach. Get to the bottom of the issue and find a workable compromise, if it is in fact really about you just getting head.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

I do think it's a bit of a hangup. And she has been validated by her friends who have sex much less than we do, and probably don't give head either. So, she feels justified. But to your point about finding a compromise. Nope. Not going to talk about it again. As others have said, "she knows what I want" let the hamster run.

[–]sh0ckley4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

And she has been validated by her friends who have sex much less than we do,

When my woman tries this line of reasoning on me, I look her right in the eye, serious expression on my face and say "but I'm better than those men" (who don't get sex when they want) and because she can tell that I genuinely believe this, no question - it works. Sometimes I think it's duty, but then she's sopping wet.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

because she can tell that I genuinely believe this, no question - it works.

Newbs take note of that part. This is what we mean by "frame." Doesn't matter if it is reality so long as it is YOUR reality.

[–]sh0ckley0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The moment when one of the manosphere gods nods at your frame which he is partly responsible for teaching you to develop.

Newbs take note of this part: "success" might be even harder to shrug off than failure. It still doesn't mean shit. Better Stronger Faster. The journey, your journey never ends. Ego is the Enemy.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

True. I LOVE when women give input about their friends sex lives as a standard. "I didn't realize I was fucking your friends."

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Let some 27 yo HB8 roll up on your ass right in front of her and see what happens. Lol. All of a sudden her friends opinions don't matter a whole hell of s lot. You aren't hitting your wife on a guy level yet. I suspect you need to implement some dread.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

You 6' 5" motherfuckers need to just walk up to your wives, look down at her, wait for her to look up at you and then say, "We need to have the good sexing or instead I will consume you for sustenance." Then just walk away.

In the meantime, chill out. You're MERPing away for the sacred, golden blowjob. It won't work. You're just a dog chasing his tail trying to negotiate desire. Let the blowjob shit drop and keep on working away while she slowly forgets about this conversation.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yup, you are right. Dropped. Although, to be honest, I've only brought it up once after 20 years of marriage. SHE brought it up last night. But you are right, I'm constantly thinking about it. Yup. Need to forget about it.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

redmountainpill was close, but you managed to suss out the real covert contract.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is why they need to issue guys cudgels at the altar

[–]Downhere_Seeds1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like you're doing great and doing everything terrific, other than not getting everything you want, you seem to be doing well. I can't say I blame her, I wouldn't suck a D either.

To resolve the feelings of butt hurt, you have to understand why you feel that way. Do you feel unappreciated? Is it your ego? The best way to not feel butt hurt is to resolve the conflict by getting the BJ (something it sounds like she is willing to do but on her terms) or just let it go.

How do you let it go? Appreciate everything you have and focus on something else.

EDIT: meant to comment to the OP, not this

[–]ThrowTheEgg1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am in the same boat as you, but for me, it's fucking her from behind. I love it, want it, and constantly try to flip her over and get in... but nope, nope and nope. Gentle, rough, loving, caveman. Total no go zone.

Why? Dunno -she's mentioned a few times 'it's painful' but won't let me slowly go in a way that wouldn't be. Maybe self-conscious about her ass, but it, and her whole body, is taut, athletic, lean, hot. Control issues? Thinks it's somehow 'dirty'? Maybe, who knows. What I do know is, there is no Harder No than when i flip her over or try to coax her over.

And I can hear that you want the BJ the same way i want doggy. Desperately! Something about not ever getting it has burned it into my brain, where I probably want to 'accomplish' it as much as I really care about having it (well, it's both).

So what can we do? My plan sounds like yours - try to forget about it or at least leave it be, for now (that's harrrrd to do, but must be done). No, don't try to forget about, FORGET ABOUT IT. For now

Next step then is to keep lifting, in fact, lift more. Grow that muscle and lose that last little bit of fat. Keep going, flirt out there often, maintain frame, and build the body so you raise the Dread and attraction, to a point where - maybe? - she'll turn herself around one night.

Like you, all of the logic of that stacks up, and I 100% subscribe to. But dammit it's the emotion/feelz i can't shake even when my rational mind understands I must. It's like being told to not think about a Pink Elephant. How can I not when the moment I'm told to ignore it, it's fucking right there in front of me?

Work to do, you and me both.

[–]J_Incognito0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Man, it's not just the BJs, that's a subset of the lame sex. Lame/starfish/duty sex is due to a lack of attraction. I saw your previous post, if you honestly believe your SMV is 2 points below your spouse, then you have a lot of ground to makeup (I tend to think a lot of this is perception however). And it's not just lifting & diet, think social circles, career, wardrobe, charm, etc.

Overall this exchange wasn't bad. But you should be focused on improving and, later, implementing some dread. And when you do have sex implement some SGM - read the recent post about "when she goes starfish you go caveman".

When she's attracted to you, the sex will improve (and BJs may or may not be in the cards for you). The goal is for her to want to suck your dick - you don't need to say anything, she knows you want that.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Told her I'm glad she got that off her chest, kissed her on the head and went to the gym.

Very good. Keep doing this.

This whole thing is a process and you are headed in the right direction. When I first married my current wife we almost didn't make it a couple of time, because I was crazy jealous and really thin skinned. This is going to sound crazy, but I used to have fights with myself in my car on the way to work. I would be so mad at her, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I would yell and argue with myself and then have a good laugh at how stupid I felt.

Now, I mostly just laugh.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

haha.. I know what you mean. I did that last night at the gym. (we have a full gym in the house, far away from where she was at the time) in between each set I was using the punching bag like a baby. I'm over it.

It's funny. Lifting cures what ails me now. Pissed at the wife? Lift. Bad day at work. Lift. Pissed that I can't lift as much as I want? Lift.

I've taken a little heat from the Mrs over my gym habits, but I told her it's not changing. No more resistance.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sometimes in life we find things aren't what we wanted out of life. You remind me of that. We find ourselves mated up with someone incompatible to our sexual desires. Usually this revolves around fetishes and others it's the simple things. My wife likes to kiss, I don't like to kiss. In fact, I don't know if I ever even tried the 10 second kiss mentioned on this sub. This usually bothers her if we go days without kissing. Then she brings it up or I realize it and I kiss her with the SGM approved way of kissing. We found a way.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your mistake was engaging at all - 1st the starfish butt hurt, then the comparison with other couples. Get some abundance and the butt hurt will go away. Read, lift, day game.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I flat out told her, I'm not interested in starfish.

Terrible move. You CAN "tell" her without saying a word but I bet you didn't go that route. Action not words. Give her a scowl and get up with no cuddling. Or if you really want to make an impact stop before coming, pull out and tell her: "I am not having sex with a woman who is not into it." Her hamster will melt.

Either it works for us or it doesn't.

Sorry pal, this is MARRIED Red Pill. You are the husband and the man and you can make it work. Usually.

We could have done without the dialogue.

I'm so pissed last night and today I can't think straight. I know it's that giant covert contract in my head.

You understand exactly what is going on but the feelings are there. I read all these books and lifted and wife is still giving me Starfish sex? That wasn't the deal. You are right about that last part. It was never the deal it was just a covert contract.

If I act just fine, then she'll think I'm fine with her not going down on me, or spicing up our sex life

If she is fucking you regularly that is about the best you can expect from MRP. You can often expect much, much better, but not always. Sometimes MRP induces her to give it up (it was her idea all along and it just happened don't you know) but enthusiastic blowjobs were never guaranteed in the MRP plan. I would say they are likely, but not guaranteed. Some girls don't like to suck dick. More likely she doesn't want to suck YOUR dick.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The reason "Dread" works well is because it is action, not talking Quit talking. Just get up when you don't want starfish and go start the shower. Your only answer should be, "I'm showering off this experience"

Quit hamstering. Quit begging. Start being a man that has options.

Apparently you have not read Book of Pook. Read it Then hop onto Family Alpha and read the entire website.

A lot of the sexual hangups will start to disappear like illnesses and reasons not to fuck or suck when you are high value. A complete high value package that is talked about, especially.

[–]vinegarbubblegum0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

how do you marry a woman you have absolutely zero sexual compatibility with?

it's almost like you're determined to spend the rest of your life in various stages of a pissed off.

How do you walk that tightrope gents?

get a fucking divorce already or start getting her to read dan savage to the point where she allows you to get yours outside the marriage. she seems reasonable.

or you can just STFU. you seem good at that.

[–]rebbit_reddit0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

One of the rules is that you can't negotiate desire. You don't want her to see sucking your cock as a disgusting chore. You want her to love doing it. The only way I think you can make that happen is by using conditioning, Pavlov style. Get her very aroused and keep her there, by either you or her or a toy. Then put your cock near her mouth and bring her to the edge of orgasm but not over. Then pull away and let her calm down a bit. Repeat that several times and as she responds, escalate by touching your cock to her mouth as she edges, then calm her down. Get her to lick it as she edges. Get her to suck on it a bit as she edges. Get her to suck on it a lot as she edges. Ideally, you provide the stimulus (your cock in her mouth) about 2 seconds before giving the reward (edging her). Ideally you let her calm down again between cycles. Add in lots of dirty talk "You love sucking my hard cock", "Good girl. my cock feels so good in your mouth" etc. Soon enough she will be conditioned to associate cock sucking with her own pleasure.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

In my book I provide examples and claim that operant conditioning works on dogs, hamsters, rats, mice, slugs, fecal bacteria, and human females. I should have expanded that and included a description like this for pavlovian conditioning.

Very SGM-ish and hot.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This has been linked to The Blue Pill and voting does not reflect reality. They can't stand it when men are discussing how to get more blowjobs. I think they are imagining the men they are stuck with- defeated, mangina girly-men no doubt. Since they are so disgusted to service their husbands and boyfriends, the thought of men conspiring to get more sex is violently repulsive to them.

Of course they really desire the exact opposite of what they fight for and advocate- but that is not my problem. Don't believe that is what femininsts actually desire? See this and this both at the top of the Red Pill yesterday and today...but this us the crowning jewel.

[–]2cingle-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Put the blowjob on hold. Don't forget about it. You want head? Earn it. Bump your SMV up by 2-3 points. I think you need to answer the commenter's question about what else you're doing to raise it besides working out. Don't forget to do things in MAP order. When you're ready, you seduce her, but as commented, you never bring it up again. If it goes so far that she needs a couple steps of Dread applied, do it last- last. My bet is, she'll suck your dick like a tornado when she desires you.

It's not just a blowjob, it is worth all this thought, but more, it's worth being the guy she wants to suck.

[–]470_2_700_nm-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

Here are my best suggestions:

1) Not sure what you mean by "trying caveman". You just need to fuck her hard and tell her she is your slut. They all have this conflicting Madonna-whore complex. Bring the whore out in her. Sex God Method and Practical Female Psychology are great books for this.

2) You are talking too much. I did this too. When it comes to denial of sex of some sort, make a joke, leave, do what ever. But JUST. DON'T. TALK. You are talking, and giving excuses blah blah blah I'm a salesman blah blah. Don't do that there is zero value to this kind of thing.

3) There are men in this world that could (or have) blowjobless men's wives kneeling and sucking the semen and testicals right through their dick. YOURS AND MINE INCLUDED. Don't get angry like a little bitch. Become or approach being that man.

4) Don't stop initiating and building sexual tension. That is your job. She is a sex object to you, treat her as such.

I think you have much more reading to do and much more lifting along with fat loss. Somewhere between 15 and 10 percent body fat the blow jobs will start coming, we just can't promise you they will be from your wife.

[–]sarahthejewel0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Seriously, this is wrong on so many levels. I've never given any man a BJ because of his body fat. I've also never had a man just hold his dick into my face and expect me to just start sucking. Most men understand that it needs some kind of foreplay to get me aroused to the point where I enjoy giving head. And then it feels great, because after all, there are a lot of nerve endings in our mouths, that's why we enjoy kissing. In fact, I like it when the guy uses his hands to twirl his dick around in my mouth. Then it really feels like kissing, only better. I can almost cum from that.

Sex, like most things in life, takes practice and experience. You have to learn and get used to some of the feelings and sensations to be able to enjoy it.

When my first bf told me to suck his dick it was really awkward. I didn't know what to do and at one point I actually tried to blow into his dick because it is called a "blow" job, isn't it? xD

So when I was with and older and more experienced guy we were making out and when I told him I was on my period he just offered me his dick and I put all my horniness, all my desire into sucking his dick. And this is how I learned to enjoy it, and to do it well. That was almost 20 yrs ago and the guy is now married with five kids, but he still calls me once a year for a good BJ.

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm glad you are still sucking his dick. That is awesome.

[–]MRPN00b[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

All good points. Number 3 is 100%. I know this.

[–]heero01-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't know if you are doing it but you can also bait her. By just selling how good the head is when she tries it may not work but it really can't backfire to much .



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