Swallowed the pill a while back, need some advice

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December 7, 2016

So this starts off like so many other posts on here. I found TRP a couple years ago after my wife cheated on me.

I consumed everything I could, changed myself for the better. Worked out and lost 50 pounds, kept working out. Give much less of a fuck and run the house now, I've been successful at work and got some great promotions, etc.

Wife was very remorseful of the event, and I was a complete bitch about it for a while. Everything I found on here though made sense, it was my fault etc.

So now I'm at a point where, seemingly the wife worships me, we have sex often as I want and it seems great.... But...

I don't feel like she deserves it now. I love her but I hate her. Our relationship has been good, but I think it's because I don't want to be in it. I flirt while out, and I am extremely successful in that. I feel like I can get anything I want, in business, or life, why the fuck am I still with this whore that cheated on me?

So, I guess I'm asking what would you do in my spot? Maybe I'm asking for you to tell me what I already know... Maybe I don't know it still. Maybe I'm still holding onto the blue pill...

Post Information
Title Swallowed the pill a while back, need some advice
Author Trptruman
Upvotes 8
Comments 89
Date 07 December 2016 11:00 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206804
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5h3820/swallowed_the_pill_a_while_back_need_some_advice/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
cheatingthe red pillthe blue pill

[–]BobbyPeru9 points10 points  (11 children) | Copy

It's shit like this that confirms if my wife ever cheated on me it would be immediately over. I know I would never be able to get past it.

You do what you have to do, but I've already told you what I'd do.

[–]Aaren_Augustine8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Gotta respect a guy for deciding either way. Most choose to stay and let it chip away at them.

That said, I've warned my wife, 30 days or 30 decades, I find out that you cheated hell and high-water won't stop me from leaving. I can accept a lot of things wrought by my behavior; but that ain't ever going to be part of my reality.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

My wife and I straight up agree that if either of us cheats, it's over. No ifs, ands, or buts. I went through that shit way back in high school, so I guess I was fortunate enough to learn that lesson early on

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she cheats, it means you're done. Doesn't matter this way or another. Just done.

Worst thing is to try to repair relationship after such events. You don't.

[–]Trptruman[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for that

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This. She cheats, we're done. Game over. That's a game ender. Can't fix that.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (5 children) | Copy

I've always thought a sexless, faithful, harpy is way worse than a cheating, happy, doting wife. If she was making my life better, I don't really care what she's up to when I'm not around

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

That's good in theory, but typically what happens is their guilt starts getting to them and they start getting very distant. Then, there are hamster starts getting going and they start villainizing you and sabotaging the relationship. It's on an unconscious level mostly.

[–]postscript11141 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

My situation worked exactly as you described. She began cheating about a year ago. A few months later (on my birthday) she asked to take a break and see others because of some minor argument we had a couple of days earlier about the dishwasher. She began to make me the villain because I said no. I already knew what was going on.

All this shit has to be in the woman's handbook. How else would they all know the same play?

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Its biology and centuries of evolution - instinctive behavior.

[–]postscript11145 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

I made the similar mistake of sticking around for a while as well after she cheated. I then found this place and began working on myself. Though it took longer than it should have, I realized an eventual better me is nothing she deserves. She no longer adds any value to my life. The question you need to ask yourself. Does she add value to your life?

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I found here relatively quickly, decided to stay, but now regret it. Things are good now though, and I'd say she does add value.

[–]postscript11142 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You are riding the fence with your emotions and logic. How can you say you regret it and say that everything is good at the same time? You need to pick a side and stick with it. Your aren't doing yourself any favors mentally being stuck in the middle. You won't be able to progress past a certain point unless you have chosen a side.

[–]Trptruman[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]SexistFlyingPig5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Phase 1: Anger
Phase 2: Denial
Phase 3: Negotiation
Phase 4: Depression <----- You are here
Phase 5: Acceptance.

[–]Trptruman[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Maybe, I thought I'd have been past acceptance, but maybe I went back a step.

[–]SexistFlyingPig2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You might be past it, and it might be time for you to find something better.

[–]mabden7 points8 points  (8 children) | Copy

it was my fault

Whatever problems there were in the marriage and whatever contribution you had towards those problems; does not, never will, justify your wife's decision to fuck some other guy.

Wife was very remorseful

Check out The Chump lady - Real vs Imitation Remorse for what true remorse looks like and see if your wife's behavior matches up.

I don't feel like she deserves it now

She doesn't. Instead of either, working out any problems she had with the marriage or ending the marriage, she betrayed you.

what would you do in my spot

File for divorce, follow through, and if you really want to have a relationship with her, then fuck her on the side as you would any other chick. Oh, and never remarry.

[–]anythingincRed Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Check out The Chump lady - Real vs Imitation Remorse

Seconded. "Sorry" and then continuing the status quo doesn't cut it.

[–]mabden1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Red Pill Tenet - actions always speak louder than words.

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

True remorse requires introspection and change... without it, it's just putting lipstick on the 'victimhood' pig.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

"Real remorse puts its money where its mouth is with a post-nup with an infidelity clause."

In all of the cheater discussion here I'd never heard of that option before. Might be helpful for some.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

if legally binding, interesting.

are you sorry? are you 50% assets sorry?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Even if legally shaky it certainly etches very clear boundaries and sets firm expectations.

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

The Chump lady - Real vs Imitation Remorse

I checked that out, seems that she did follow on some, but maybe not all. It has been a while though, maybe I am not remembering everything correctly.

[–]mabden1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She is currently shacking up with the other dude. No remorse there.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet8 points9 points  (28 children) | Copy

You gotta figure this shit out for yourself man. Take some responsibility for yourself and your life. On the one hand, she's a cheating whore and you should have dumped her the second you found out. On the other hand, AWALT and whatever girl you find next probably would have cheated on your beta ass too. It's a tough spot to be in, but if nothing else, it opened your eyes and made you into the better man you are today.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (25 children) | Copy

No, I disagree that a woman cheating on her man is somehow excusable or understandable because he was "beta." Cheating isn't AWALT. Cheating is only the fault of the cheater, and is the response of a person you should never forgive or trust again.

He should have dumped her immediately. Even now, he owes her nothing. He'll never get past her being a cheater. He should tell her he found he can't forgive her, he's disgusted by what she did, and it's over.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy

I agree. Losing attraction is understandable. Leaving the relationship is understandable. But cheating is wrong.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

Whoa Whoa, what about the married man who decides to plate?

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'm not here to judge, but since you specifically ask me, I don't think it's right unless it's above board. Just my opinion. But obviously people should do whatever the fuck they want - I'm not the moral police. My original point was just to push back on the notion that OP is to blame in a moral sense for wife's cheating.

[–]Chump_No_More3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy


The one thing that a man owns that can not be taken from him is his integrity, which I interpret as 'owning what you do'.

So in that respect, Integrity = congruence = Frame = owning your shit.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

An open marriage is different from cheating. Both partners know there is an increased risk of STDs and accidental pregnancies. Cheating denies the other person the option of consenting or not consenting to this increased risk. In a relationship, you have the security of knowing you are the only person sleeping with the other, and the risk of STDs is low. This is one reason cheating is so disgusting. You are endangering a person who has given you his/her commitment.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy


Must have left my stone tablets on the mount.

Action, consequence. the moral veneer is simply a way to jerk ourselves off about it

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I also agree with this. "acta" includes the consequences. Cheating is a gamble that you can avoid the consequences.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

This is so counterintuitive especially coming from a feemale. It's true however and saving her for your own sake is never a good idea. My favorite is when people come on here and telling guys its their fault she cheated. Like in some mysterious alternate universe there is a version of the cheating story where she didn't choose to cheat.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The idea that men go beta and the woman cheats, and it was his fault for not just being more alpha is ludicrous. Simply ludicrous.

Promoting the notion that women don't have agency isn't going to help men. I honestly don't get this line of thinking. It is pure fantasy.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't over do it there. Most of us only have limited ability to have agency.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

"Cheating is only the fault of the cheater"

I disagree with you on that. I think it is a lie that is told by women to further the "nice guy" myth and to keep blue pill guys in the dark.

It bothers me when I see posts on relationships sub or whatever, where some poor sap is talking about how he does everything his gf wants, cleans, pays the bills and she still fucks around. Then every comment is telling him he is a great guy and she is just a whore and it's all on her and he just needs to find a "decent woman". While she may be a whore, he's not really a great guy, but telling him that would destroy the bluepill reality that everyone lives in, and women can't have that.

I do agree that he should have dumped her immediately but that's not so easy when you're still living in the bluepill world. Now it's a couple years after the fact and he's already agreed to work on it and things are going great but he can't help but see her for how she truly is. Again, it's a tough spot to be in. Of course he should immediately end his relationship with her and move on, but I won't call him a faggot if he decides to stick around and see what happens. As long as he is doing what he wants for himself and no one else.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Where did I call him a faggot? If he wants to fix his marriage, he can certainly try and I won't call him a faggot for doing so. Emotional attachments are hard to break.

But you're wrong, sorry. Anyone who cheats bears 100% of the blame. There is this thing called breaking up or divorcing which you can do when you are unsatisfied in a relationship that does not involve breaking the promise of commitment, which is what relationships are founded on. She could have divorced him. She could have asked for an open relationship. Cheating? Nope. He could be the beta-ist male on the planet, and it is still her fault for cheating. Women have agency. If I get drunk and kill someone in a car accident, whose fault is it?

Telling a guy not to be a "blue pill sap" because that will lower attraction in his relationship is not mutually exclusive with calling out a cheater for cheating, man or woman. What do YOU get out of passing blame onto the man?

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

It would be great if we lived in a world where women were as rational, honest and loyal as men but unfortunately we don't. They have the same amount of agency as a child and they just don't love their man the same way he loves her, he is viewed by her the same way he views a job. Blaming the woman for cheating is like blaming a man for leaving his job for better pay. It's just the way the world works. We can demand that women be open and honest and be upfront and loyal, but that's like asking water to flow uphill. Women will always want a firm grip on the next man before they let go of the current one, and that firm grip is hard to get without getting fucked first.

What I get out of blaming the man is hopefully opening his eyes to the way women really are. That she will leave if a better option comes along and he needs to always be on his shit 100% if he wants to satisfy her hypergamous instincts. Blaming the cheater does nothing but leave the man confused and ignorant about women and sets him up to get cheated on again in the next relationship when the cycle repeats. Fortunately OP found the red pill so he already knows the truth.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I disagree with your generalizations 100% here, but I don't think going point by point with you, while interesting, would result in either one of us changing our minds.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Totally wrong. There's kids and finances and all sorts of bullshit that make it so that "divorcing" isn't the easiest decision. If a wife is a sexless shrew (or the husband is a similar equivalent) and kids are involved, I've got no problem with someone cheating to get their needs filled while also being in their children's lives.

Don't want someone to cheat on you? Don't treat them like shit and deny sex.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You know, you're right. If she won't give him anal, blowjobs on demand and threesomes, he is being treated like shit and deserves to cheat.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Every person has to decide what they want in life and if their spouse is going to be enough. It's fine if a woman doesn't want to have sex with her husband. But she's got to face the likelihood that he may get his needs met somehow.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Of course. However, that doesn't mean that the blame doesn't lie with the one who commits the action. To say that a man couldn't divorce because "the children" or "his finances" is to say he is a weak, trapped person. Everything has risks.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep That's the silver lining

OP, it's up to you on the decision of being in a healthy relationship is for you or not

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I need it straight, thanks

[–]J_Incognito3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I heard this once... you'll never love someone as much as you love your first love. This doesn't mean that every dude's first GF is his soulmate (those don't exist), but it means that you'll never give yourself over so entirely as you did w/ the first love. First love is complete and vulnerable. Everyone inevitably gets hurt and learns never to go full retard ever again.

OP, you will never think of your wife the same as you did pre-cheating ever again. However, AWALT and the next woman will not be any different. It's tough to swallow, but always keep one foot out the door. If she adds value to your life, keep her. But, it sounds like you've internalized that you are the prize and, if her presence is a constant reminder of disrespect and hurt, then move on - just don't expect to find a unicorn.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

There's a lot of equivocating here.

Might want to work on that.

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I need to man the fuck up and make my own decision. I understand that, I felt like I needed to talk about it and get advice. Couldn't hurt while making up my mind correct?

[–]weakandsensitive4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

i sure as shit wouldn't be the faggot asking internet on the strangers on what to do with my life.

your wife did exactly what she was going to do. why be mad at her? that's pretty dumb. you should focus more on hating yourself for being the way you are and continually deferring responsibility and ownership, which you're continuing to do in this very post.

want to get rid of her? do it. don't want to get rid of her? don't do it. but it's stupid to think that she's the one to hate when you were the total loser.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I think this is taking the philosophy too far.

Women, as much as it's said that they don't here, do have agency. The conscious decision to cheat or stray, to act on desire and impulse when married, is the mark of an exceptionally weak and shitty person.

He may have been a beta bitch, causing her lack of attraction to him and increases in attraction to other men BUT it was her choice to be underhanded and likely try to hide said infidelity (alpha fux / beta bux), which makes her worthless. Not every woman cheats in that scenario.

[–]weakandsensitive3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

if you give a toddler a glass of water and they end up spilling it, are you going to get mad at the child? if you become a completely unattractive, undesirable "husband" and your wife decides she has nothing to lose by trading up, are you going to get mad at the wife? if you leave your car unlocked in a shitty neighborhood with high crime, and you get your shit stolen, are you really going to be pissed off at the neighborhood itself?

i take full personal ownership of myself when it come to scenarios with obvious outcomes, but you do you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your black and white take on this is silly imo, but you do you.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

"Our relationship has been good, but I think it's because I don't want to be in it"

I hope you scrawl this in the backside of your eyelids

Actually you hate the weak fucker in the mirror and you are using her as the scapegoat remember that


Do you lift ?

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Harsh, but sounds too true...

I do lift, and I love it

[–]fakefalse0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is the best comment here.

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Only you can steer this ship or direct where this ship should be steered. This sub has shown you the way to do this, as well as navigate waterways in it, and also how to care for it.

You take it where it needs to go like a boss, wherever that may be. Why the fuck would you ask the internet what to do at this point?

Maybe you are still holding on to the blue pill.

[–]fakefalse1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Texting sucks, 'cause you lose tone and context in the words. In this case, your words are loud and clear. You are not happy. You are trying to get others to help you take a direction you have been unable to take so far. Maybe you seek permission? I dunno. But you don't feel good inside.

Your soul is bleeding out, everyday that you are with her. Is it easier to just keep things as they are? Do you need to do like women and find a branch to swing to before leaving her? It's hard to go solo, but it would be a great exercise in building autonomy. So you won't be stuck in this purgatory with the next woman.

This is not an asshole question. I have to ask. Is it fun to fuck her? Fulfilling and wholedome, like turkey dinner with the whole family on Thanksgiving? Or is there disgust, like too much McDonald's fast food where Chad has already taken a bite outta your bigmac? Maybe something in between?

Good luck brother. I wish you the best.

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Is it easier to just keep things as they are?

Yeah, there is children involved, and I know that's a shit excuse

Maybe I am looking for that branch swing, I don't know, seems like a bad idea the way you put it, and I know it is too.

Is it fun to fuck her? Yes, I've taken that aspect back. I don't really think about the cheating when we're at it... seems weird anyways

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your children need to see a man owning his shit and living a happy, fulfilled life as self actualized as possible. Are you doing those things? can you do those thigns married to your current wife?

If you can, then OK. If not, consider alternatives.

[–]fakefalse0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]fakefalse0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I'm looking at this vicariously. I don't know which way I'd go. It's hard either way.

With regards to the kids, I'd do what I felt was the best example for them. It helps guide them, if ever they're in that situation. It also helps me take a step back, and get my head outta my own ass. Just like those 80s cop movies, where the lieutenant pulls the cop off the case cause his partner was killed and can't think our see straight. "Your too close to this thing Murphy, I'm putting you in a desk until you cool down!".

As far as sex. I still get PTSD thinking about the wife's past. She was no snowflake. I can push through it now. I've learned that it's regret that I'm projecting, both on a limited sexualized adolescence on my part, as well as a chitty job vetting the wife while we were dating. I do love her, but I think the best thing for me would be to move on, if she ever cheated. I hope I would have the strength to do so. Then again, my attitude might change if ever I'm in that situation.

I'm watching this post with close interest. Thanks for the contribution!

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for the response.

Looking at it now, were I to go back in time, I'd leave for sure, so I am thinking that's what I should do now. Just felt like talking about it.

[–]postscript11141 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If everything seems to be outwardly good in the relationship, you can use this to your advantage if you do decide to leave. It will give you time to get your ducks in a row before you pull the trigger. Most of the time, both parties have their guards up because they are pissed at each other. If she thinks everything is good, she won't be able to see it coming.

I know you have kids involved and I know it is tough to pull the plug on the family dynamic, but remember, she did this. It was she that pulled the plug. I'm going through this right now.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

So, I guess I'm asking what would you do in my spot? Maybe I'm asking for you to tell me what I already know... Maybe I don't know it still. Maybe I'm still holding onto the blue pill...

What do you want? Do you want to stay with her? Do you want to divorce her? Do you want to make your life with your wife better; or do you want to find someone else and start over?

Start with that.

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

The tough questions, if I knew 100% the answer I wouldn't be here looking for advice from you lot

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't know man. I know what I would do, and that is to divorce her immediately, damn the costs.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I found TRP a couple years ago after my wife cheated on me.

How did you find out she cheated?

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Saw enough signs until I confronted her. She admitted but with trickle truth for a while before I found out everything.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

What signs did you see?

[–]Trptruman[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Girls nights, getting home late, always on her phone, with a lock screen, getting in shape, etc etc

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good on ya for paying attention. Any one of those by itself probably isnt' enough to raise suspicion. All together, they are more than enough to raise suspicion.

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Brother, what you're feeling is very predictable. In fact, I wrote about it roughly 3 months ago... Lurking Cuckolds Welcome

You've reached that critical threshold where you've acknowledged and internalized your value and now have the presence of mind to ask the hard question, "what am I getting out of this and is it worth the cost?"

At the end of the day, any relationship can simply be quantified by Value vs Drama.

This is only a question you can answer but, as a man who has navigated that part of his journey, I can tell you unequivocally that as long as you walk your path with abundance and courage in your heart, you will do fine.

I will leave you with Teddy Roosevelt's 'Man in the Arena' speech...

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

[–]Trptruman[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great post man thanks

[–]lulalady1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just leave your wife if you still hate her after all this time.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'd stick around if she added enough value. But cheating doesn't bother me. If she crossed that line I'd bang college chicks and figure out a way to co parent. Some guys can't get past cheating and that's ok. Did you get any therapy to help you process the infidelity?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There's one way to "process" infidelity. It's called a process server.

[–]Trptruman[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Did you get any therapy to help you process the infidelity?

No I didn't. I absorbed some books and a few online communities, ending up here. It's been about 2 years since.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]2ndalRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What would I do in your spot? I would stop being a little bitch and start thinking for myself and not asking strangers on the Internet to run my life for me.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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