So I been dating this chick for almost 9 months now. Before the relationship I ran my map and created a whole new life for myself. I’m jacked (I run gear) I’d say I’m in the top percent of looks. I have a great job. That’s allowing me to get out of all the debt my addiction caused (2 years clean now). Upped my style. My game has always been on point. I used to be into PUA before red pill (high N count). My mission has been laid out and written down. It mostly consist of the person I want to become. And how to get there. Along with being a dad. Family man. And building my business, my hobbies, and other things.
Met this chick and I was ready this time to be a better captain. I laid boundaries. I had all my shit together and till this day she says she never met anyone like me. She tells me all this shit she loves about me everyday. She’s more than obsessed and we are on the same page with a lot of shit. It’s fun as fuck to be around her and no lie at this point we fuck anywhere from 1-3 times a day. The fact that things are so good has me absorbed in this woman. I can totally see myself marrying her and having kids with her one day.
BUT I can tell im beginning to develop oneitis. Which is weird bc I have always had abundance and would cheat bc of all the chicks I would have hitting on me and mostly validation issues. This time I said I wouldn’t cheat to myself. So I have been working on myself and the relationship but I find my self thinking about it all day. I have never been this good to a woman before and I’m afraid it’s going to bite me in the ass. Im afraid of too much beta killing the attraction. She says she loves everything I do for her. She constantly brags about it. But all I can think about is you have to keep up your alpha. So I draw back at the slightest unpleasant behavior. I lift. I do bjj. Snowboard. Stocks. Plan run shit And hangout with my boys at least once a week. But still I feel like I’m more beta to her than I have ever been to anyone. As I do a lot for her constantly. I do it because I want to but I still have a fear of it biting me in the ass and down the road leading to less or no sex. Bc right now I can’t even go to the store without her blowing me in the car. I realize this fear sounds crazy but I have it. And I’m sick of dwelling on it.
I’m constantly Trying to keep things perfect. If one thing goes wrong. Like this morning. I had to get ready for work and I was fucking her and she stopped me. And told me to get ready. I could feel myself getting butthurt and thinking. I know how much time I have to get there. Don’t stop me. Then I think I need to withdrawal, I need to withdrawal attention. But When I do she can’t handle it it seems and it makes things worse. Almost like I’m giving unfair punishment. Which I probably am.
I’m causing myself to legit go crazy. I can see myself becoming insecure for no reason. Bc she works at a bar. I get insecure. Thinking about her exes. Or certain shit she says. I get butthurt inside. And I don’t even know why. I stfu but I still get quiet. The thing is I KNOW this is a me issue. That this shit sounds stupid to you guys who been here a while. But it’s real for me. And I could use some advice or perspective. How to cut this shit. I’m literally internally on the verge of ruining a great relationship. For no other reason than my mind.
I have dread. Get hit on when we’re out. I have almost everything it seems going for me. On paper I’m the fucking prize. My hamster to myself is. Go cheat so you can take your mind off her. And stop caring so much.
I legit feel like a pussy inside and idk where the fuck it came from or what steps to take to get rid of it. I’m lifting. I’m thinking about her. I’m working. Her. It’s becoming too much. And I need a perspective change to keep me happy and relationship healthy.