This is mostly a vent, however of course I would welcome a word of advice from mature TRP (that's why I'm posting here). It was very hard to write this.
I have failed as a leader, again. I keep getting emotional over small shit and loosing my temper like a little bitch. I have failed first of all my mission. It started as "I'll take some time off to figure out if I want to start a business or become a freelancer" and now it's hoping somebody will hire me just to get out of this hole. I have plenty of business ideas, have high level scientific education and am competent with computers and programming - should be a no-brainer. But I'm not passionate about any of these things, and thus I have restrained from jumping into making a startup. Not sure I would gladly make the small hours for it, which is what many mentors say is needed. I'm 32 and I should've figured out by now what I'm passionate about, sadly I don't know. I have many talents but get bored easily and lack persistence. The only thing I know is I dont' wanna become a fat worthless mangina.
Then of course there's her, my LTR, asian woman with strong character and moral values, who can be a lion towards others but is a submissive kitty for me. Of all the men I know, there is only one other guy that I think could keep up with her (has stronger frame than me). For a while I had the perfect equilibrium between alpha and beta traits with her. Then my last job ended, I moved to the city where she's studying (into my own flat) to be closer to her and because last city was a shit hole. Now I'm here, without friends and without a job; some days the only thing I have planned for the day is to go lift - it sucks to wake up and feel like you could just as well lay in bed for a few more hours. My idea was to go full out on workouts and BJJ for a while but third training in I break a rib - I couldn't wait for it to be completely healed and the other day I rolled, now it hurts again. I should probably not train for a month, which makes me depressed.
I feel like she is slowly but steadily loosing respect for me. Actually, now that I'm rereading what I wrote, I'm surprised this isn't happening faster. I'm failing more and more shit tests - basically I get pissed and loose my temper too easily, it's partly also me, I'm higher than average on the neuroticism personality trait. I know what is the likely outcome and I hate it. I don't wanna go there.
I guess my dread game must be very weak, because she knows I don't have the exciting life I had when we met, and that she has more social value than me now (as in: friends that want to hang out with her). The rational way out would be to break up with her, suffer like a beaten dog and get my life together. But I'm not willing to do that, I invested too much in her emotionally and I still think she's worth it, if led properly. I know this is sunken cost mentality. The thing is, she's without a doubt the best partner I've had, and I don't like spinning plates and slutting around. Of course I could potentially find somebody like or better than her, but it would require a lot of gaming time, and I'd like to get on with more important things in my life.