Dealing with a sleepy (or dead) bedroom RPW style

Willkuer_ · 2019-06-15T11:15:17+00:00

Taking the mrp approach here:

You are asking philosophical questions instead of providing facts. What are your stats? Age, children, body, style, qualities, issues? How did you improve while starting this journey? How‘s your reading doing? How did he react so far on the changes you did over the last months?

You want to save a dead bedroom? These questions are the recipe. Answer these questions honestly and you know what to do.

Regarding your philosophical question: Are you desirable that you expect your SO to desire you? Do you desire your SO? Who is more dead in the bedroom?

I see some hamster spinning in the idea that some men are afraid or disgusted by sexual women. While that might be true this is also a really convenient idea to not change anything and stay in starfish position. I still have to meet the man that would reject an enthusiastic blowjob or a guy that hates to hear a sexualized whisper that you‘d be thinking of him the whole day.

Theendisnearornot · 2019-06-15T12:16:53+00:00

I disagree to a point that if someone resolved their femininity issue they’ll revive a sex life.

My husband and I had a great sex life. We started off in our marriage a little rocky (we waited to have sex and then had kids so it took time to figure out). But about 5 years ago we were having sex at least 3 times a week and it was good. Then it started getting less frequent until it became maybe once a month. My husband started dealing with mental heath stuff (stress with buying a new house, work, and it triggered his OCD). I did everything “right”. He kept telling me that it wasn’t me and he just didn’t want to have sex, but he knew it was important for our marriage. 2 years later and we are in the healing and rebuilding stages. And have sex maybe once a week but usually more like twice a month.

I’m not saying all that to be depressing. I’m saying it because it is possible to be the “perfect wife “ and still struggle with sex. Sometimes it takes perseverance and getting at some root causes of things.

I do agree with the previous reply that you are being a bit vague here. Whose sex drive is lacking? Is anyone watching porn regularly? What have you done to change things?

timeforstretchpants · 2019-06-15T12:51:54+00:00

Are you me? People love to paint the picture that men are always hungry for sex and women should get used to that, so I entered marriage really eager to please. If it were up to me we'd be doing it 5+ days a week. My husband just has low libido. He's up for once or occasionally twice a week.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2019-06-15T13:52:57+00:00

My husband had horrible sleep apnea and would often turn down sex. I finally set a boundary around sleep to protect myself: I couldn’t fall asleep in the same room as him because the snoring was so horrendously loud, so I slept in a different room (while continuing to initiate sex). This finally motivated him to book the appointment and get diagnosed with sleep apnea. Within 2 weeks he was a changed man. His libido was up so much!

Now he has started a new job and the stress has suppressed his libido a good deal. I’m nursing a baby so I’m initiating less too. So we are in a sleepier place in our relationship but we are both OK with it for a season.

I wonder: is there anything that might be creating stress for your husband right now?

JohnPettimore · 2019-06-15T15:54:12+00:00

I'm dealing with this right now, from an (older) male point of view. I'd guess about 40% of my total lack of desire is physical. She does literally nothing, ever, to make herself remotely attractive -- no makeup, doesn't care what she wears, has pretty much let herself go physically, and so on.

The other 60% is her attitude. It's hard to fully describe, but there's a LOT of post-feminist entitlement, obnoxiousness, disrespect and so on. There's constant talk about how "busy" she is, which is bullshit. She has this underlying attitude that men, in general, are sort of dumb, and she resents them. She makes zero effort to initiate sex -- like, zero -- and essentially, once the relationship settled into a groove, checked out of the bedroom. I kind of get tired of the endless competition, the laziness, the low-level bitching and the entitlement. A lot of this is dressed up in social justice language, but the bottom line is that, for example, every other day there's a discussion of how capable/great/interesting lesbians are, and/or how white men (who have funded her entire existence, in one way or another) are entitled and spoiled. There's enough day-to-day pleasantness to compensate for this, but I'm eventually going to end up cheating on her. In other words, DB has a LOT to do with attitude.

teaandtalk · 2019-06-16T10:51:25+00:00

You've posted before about your husband 'hiding behind your skirts'. At the time, I believe I commented that even your framing of it as such was indicative of a lack of respect for him. Honestly, you don't seem to be able to do the RPW thing that actually matters: submitting to him and following his lead. Do you see this improving? RPW helps a lot of stuff...but if you're fundamentally unable to value his judgement, that's not going to be a healthy relationship for either of you, and that's going to be reflected in your sex life.

Similarly, are you guys still having unsatisfying sex when you do do it? Is he still insisting that the sex is good when you're expressing dissatisfaction?

Dancersep38 · 2019-06-15T13:23:23+00:00

I think so much of it is age, children, and individual libido. People say all men want sex all the time and that's simply not true. Each couple needs to asses their own desire and find the overlap. You also need to update that model as life circumstances dictate. Sex isl important, but how important is different for everyone.

just_a_mum · 2019-06-15T17:23:13+00:00

I'm going to go with a different approach here. You say that you've had a sleepy bedroom for several months and yet you've only been together for 2 years! Are you sure this isn't just you both settling down in your relationship after the honeymoon phase?

You also mention that you're going to a sex therapist, was that his idea, or yours? Because I can imagine that's quite emasculating. It's also pushing him to open up to a stranger about a very personal subject, is he's really ok with that? I know if it were my husband, it would make him very uncomfortable about the whole thing and cause some serious stress, further adding to the issue!

Have you read the Surrendered wife? I recommend it if not, I think it would really help you to make changes in yourself with the goal of your husband lusting after you again.

Edit - stupid predictive text!

MicrotusOchrogaster · 2019-06-16T04:19:45+00:00

This article and website is excellent and extremely insightful, I wish the author (a trained PhD therapist) wrote more material tbh.

http://www.healmylife.com/articles/counselling/bonding%20marriage%20&%20silent%20divorce.html

It is from a Christian point of view, but anyone will glean great information about dead bedroom style marriages in there. Wishing you love, it’s a tough path to walk, been there. Xx

thatbadlarry · 2019-06-15T13:39:04+00:00

Your post history says you're trying to conceive. Approached incorrectly, that could take the magic out of any bedroom.

Coming onto a man makes him feel admired. I don't think that knowing his woman desires him sexually would turn any man off.

It's more possible that:

your SMV decreased
his SMV decreased and he's out of shape
he started/has been watching porn
he feels pressured by TTC
you had a dead bedroom and then now you're TTC and he feels you only want him for his reproductive value
there's trust issues somewhere
he got tired of always having to initiate
sex got boring

I think that you could have better results by

Working on your SMV
easing off on TTC talk if it's plausible that the TTC factor is taking place
initiating sex
acting like a hoe (HIS hoe!) during sex
give him a Girlfriend experience more often
work on trust

Just anecdotally, I've never had a bad reaction from coming onto a man I was in a relationship with. Ever. I think you might be thinking into it too much.

ange-nocturne · 2019-06-15T15:05:04+00:00

Can you explain what you mean by this?

there is usually an underlying component of faulty C/FM dynamics that for some men can kill desire

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2019-06-15T18:19:20+00:00

A couple of things that are always very important in situations like these:

how old are you and your husband?
how long have you two been together?
have either of you had any body type changes in recent history?
Have there been any lifestyle changes recently? (new job, health issues, conflict etc)

Most bedroom issues have something to do with these various potential factors.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-06-17T18:02:42+00:00

How well do you fit the physical parameters of what your husband finds attractive? Have you let yourself go? Are you doing everything you can to inspire and arouse him?

justchillout777 · 2019-06-20T03:38:32+00:00

So I may be a bit late to this but as a married man for 3 years there could be a lot of factors at play here. If you were to look at the man there are a few things you mentions that could be affecting some things. But before that Just as a psa “the mans penis has a mind of its own” this is not just a funny statement it’s true. Every man can remember a time when it got hard for no reason, or decided today was not the day during go time. From a male perspective, nothing makes you feel more self conscious than not being able to control your own body parts. This lack of confidence can create havoc in the bed room. Which can compound in to even more issues Also health problems: The most apparent sign of poor blood flow in a man is a penis which is not getting as hard as it should or could. Getting this checked out is huge. But again compounded issues. Porn: Many scientific studies are linking Ed with porn causing a inability to stimulate enough to get hard (not horny, because he may want to but has messed up how his brain responds to stimulation) This could also be a cause.

All of these are solve able but he may not be open to discussing the cause. Either way the number one thing you need to do is talk about it. He can’t address of face a problem he knows nothing about.

Just some thoughts

cocodecoca · 2019-06-29T11:19:07+00:00

My sex life still hasn't recovered after having kids so I spoke to my husband about it and he feels afraid to have sex with me because I had severe tearing after birth and sex was painful for me for a while.

But its 2 years later now and I have recovered, my husband however, hasn't! I never would have known that unless I'd have straight up asked him "how come we're not having sex very often?"

It's really best to just talk about stuff openly and honestly.

NewMindRedPill · 2019-06-15T19:56:15+00:00

My fiance and I are a young couple. He went through a stressful time and sex stalled. It didnt recover really. I gave him some all natural testosterone boosting tablets (he has other signs he was low). It was highly effective and I wasn't going way lower than the minimum dose. It just sort of jump started him and then I stopped giving it to him after a couple of months. Sex is more than before the tablets.

Title	Dealing with a sleepy (or dead) bedroom RPW style
Author	NubianIbex
Upvotes	39
Comments	58
Date	June 15, 2019 10:37 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/c0vzbj/dealing_with_a_sleepy_or_dead_bedroom_rpw_style/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dealing-with-a-sleepy-or-dead-bedroom-rpw-style.242090 https://theredarchive.com/post/242090

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