I've paid attention to RP and PUA theories for a while now, but at the same time I have my own experiences from college that didn't involve picking up women in bars or on the street. I was thinking about how if I could give advice to my past self, I was actually doing okay without the RP / PUA stuff; I just needed to take more initiative and not get one-itis. I wanted committed relationships, not one-night stands.

I'm curious whether people would actually give RP / PUA advice to their past selves (if they could) or if it would be something else? Would it be similar to mine?

Here is what I would say to my past self:

  1. MAINTAIN NETWORKS: Sometimes people only realize how much they liked each other years after the fact, so don't burn any bridges. Maintain friend networks. Attend high school and college reunions. If you are averse to being a pickup artist, friend networks are a good way to meet women while being yourself.

  2. HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY: One of the things that will determine if a relationship works is if you have something interesting to do and talk about. A major problem nerds have is they are often only interested in talking about specialized topics that have limited appeal, even to other nerds. Even nerdy women who like video games don't always like them as much as nerdy men might hope. If like me you are an introvert and a nerd, you could try expanding your horizons and/or keeping a journal of things to talk about. At the same time, find some balance - your nerdy interests are part of you and you shouldn't give them up.

  3. INITIATIVE: You have to be able to take initiative and to let others take initiative. Some people never take initiative: "I don't have to make a move, because if she really liked me, she would make a move herself." These people get stuck at a certain place on a date, being afraid to get physical for instance and expecting that the other person will do it for them. Other people never let others take initiative: "any woman who acts interested in me is probably not worthy of me." Strangely enough, I have exhibited both of these behaviors at different times in my life.

  4. LOOK PRESENTABLE: On a typical day you should look presentable in terms of your hair and clothing. If you might invite someone to your house (and you never know when you might have to), your house should look presentable.

  5. QUESTION YOUR PICKINESS: Carefully examine and question your assumptions about the kind of people you would be interested in dating. Do they really have to have certain beliefs or interests in order to date you? See (2).

  6. COURTSHIP IS DEAD: Do not attempt to be friends for an extended period of time before dating. It's great if it happens by accident, like you aren't attracted to someone right away, but don't try to make it happen. This pattern worked well 100 years ago, when peoples' romantic lives were not a sequence of sexual encounters. At that time, there was little threat that a rival would immediately arrive to sexually monopolize your love interest. Today if you don't make your move quickly, she will get snapped up by someone else. Therefore, some people assume (rightly or wrongly) that if you don't initiate a relationship immediately, it's only because you fear rejection and not because you are trying to "court" her.

  7. DON'T WAIT FOR HER: Don't "wait" for women to break up with their boyfriend, and definitely don't refrain from dating anyone else while you wait. You are unlikely to be rewarded for your patience. You might think it's an attractive kind of "persistence," but more likely it just makes it appear that you have no other options.

  8. BE DIRECT, COURAGEOUS, AND NORMAL: If you're making a verbal request of someone that could be rejected - whether it's asking her to go on a date or telling her you like her -- be straightforward and "normal" about it. Don't give a long-winded speech, don't try to persuade or show how clever you are, and don't be cutesy about it. Just say what you mean. Don't declare your interest or affection for someone over e-mail or text; this basically says "I'm afraid to look you in the eye and say this."

  9. TEASING AND ASSERTIVENESS: Negging and dominance are useful, but if you want a committed relationship, it should come out more like "teasing" and "assertiveness." Actively disrespecting your partner might work on some women, but I personally couldn't bring myself to do it; for me, it would poison the relationship and make it not worth having. In my opinion, "teasing" should be fun and enjoyable - if she is smiling and laughing about it and gets competitive, you're doing it right. "Assertiveness" has to do with having a clear idea of how a relationship ought to be, and standing up for that, rather than "getting what you want." For instance, most people think it's appropriate to show up to a date rather than flaking. If someone flakes on you and misses a date for no reason, it would be assertive to tell them you're not okay with that.

  10. HAVING GAME: I think that when you want to pick up strangers at bars or do online dating, it's harder to succeed by "just being yourself" because the crucial part of the interaction is compressed into a few minutes or messages. There's an arms race to develop the best, most polished three-minute interaction, kind of like corporations spend millions to make the best ads. Also, trust is at a minimum; you can't really show someone you're trustworthy in three minutes; you can only show someone that you're confident, funny, or dominant and that you have Game. For this reason, PUA techniques might be especially important and you might need to read a lot of literature. (Hence the "pickup" in "pickup artist.") (Although to be clear, online dating didn't exist when I was in college, and I wouldn't have considered picking up women in bars at that time.)