Do The Benefits of Being Your True Self Outweigh the Costs?

[deleted] · 2018-03-23T14:41:00+00:00

Don't be yourself if you're the wrong kind of personality

Uncommon_Sense_123 · 2018-03-23T20:52:11+00:00

I think some of the confusion about be yourself comes from misunderstanding what is really being said.

Men complain that the advice of being yourself is BP and women were either lying on purpose or where unaware when telling men and raising their sons with this attitude. However, I am a woman and this advice was given to me as well but I understood it to me more nuanced.

Be yourself is just the short version of put forth your best effort and don't "change" who you fundamentally are to get a BF/GF.

In other words, if you are a very social life of the party type don't "change" yourself to become more attractive to a stay at home introvert type. Surpressing your personality will only work so long before the true you emerges. So save yourself the drama of a failed relationship by being the natural extrovert you are.

This happens all the time in relationships. S/he changed a year down the road of after marriage. And some of this is because people are trying to surpress their true selves to secure a commitment. This surpression of your true inner self is nothing but an act an you are the actor. But like all acts the show ends.

Lyanina · 2018-03-23T14:56:56+00:00

Essentially, it almost seems like she’s advocating the blue pill position of “be yourself”, but mostly because it allows the right people for you to actually find and connect with you.

Why the "but"? This is the "be yourself" position at its core. It's the usual argument in favor of "being yourself." I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't actually like me. I'm myself, and being someone else sounds exhausting.

One reason some red pillers disagree with "be yourself" is because they think "yourself" is fat, lazy, has no hobbies, and is incapable of holding a conversation with someone, and if someone tells you to improve on one of those things See, you can't just be yourself, you have to change and be fake!

And I get it, to a degree. I used to hate speaking in public, and I'm still uncomfortable in social situations with lots of people. I now really like speaking in public even though I'm still terrified of it. I'm slightly better at handling groups than I used to be, but I still avoid them if I can. So yeah, I've worked on some stuff, got some practice in, and today's "myself" has changed a little in how she can handle these situations. Do I think she's a phony? Hell no. This is me. I've just done a bit of growing.

When TRP presents their "don't be yourself" advice it can read like a script, and yeah, if it just isn't you and you hate it and you don't come off as genuine to people, it's worse than "being yourself." If you only need that script the first couple times and then it becomes habit to you, and you've gained confidence and feel comfortable doing it, are you really still faking it, or has who "yourself" is changed a little? (Note: I really am just addressing the idea of what being yourself means here, and not the validity of TRP's advice.)

Also, I could sit there looking at the water forever. Lucky woman.

Littleknownfacts · 2018-03-23T14:46:41+00:00

Define "true self".

The way I see it, your true self is actions you take based on your personal beliefs, principles, values, whatever.

If you decide to make a big romantic dinner for someone, how is that any more or less an expression of your true self than if you decided to not make a big romantic dinner for someone?

[deleted] · 2018-03-23T16:09:11+00:00

Of course. Being yourself doesn't mean be content with your life, it means going for the things that truly make you happy. To not let others decide the path your life will take. Your true self will probably repel some people but you'll end up surrounded by the people that actually, genuinely make you happy.

mgtow_1 · 2018-03-23T14:43:20+00:00

Depends on what you want. If you are looking for a life partner sure be yourself. If you want to have sex with as people as you can probably not the best way.

Hairbrainer · 2018-03-23T14:45:07+00:00

Depends on who your true self is and how insecure you are.

If your true self is the best version of yourself, then obviously it’s better to just be who you are.

If your true self is someone that doesn’t get you as far as you’re trying to go (introverted when you want to go into sales, awkward when you want to get dates, loner when you want to have friends) then it’s in your best interest to work on that.

The caveat is if you are uncomfortable not being someone who you feel is a false version of yourself, you’re going to do more harm than good

[deleted] · 2018-03-23T15:30:10+00:00

being who you would want to be

There are whole hells of self rejection paved with good intentions like this. Though it seems like what she's advocating against but really this should be 'being who you are'

because it allows the right people for you to actually find and connect with you

absolutely agree with this, provided you're not falling into the trap above

Is it worth it?

You're only ever going to be able to answer this for yourself after trying. Harsh truth of the world is that yeah maybe you don't find anyone who really grooves with your true self (hope it doesn't turn out that way for you), and being alone might be less painful than spending the rest of your life trying to wrench yourself into some other shape.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2018-03-23T16:18:48+00:00

Do The Benefits of Being Your True Self Outweigh the Costs?

you cant ask this question in some universal moral manner, but can only be asked on an individual level

it may well be worth it for individuals, who can know but them?

NalkaNalka · 2018-03-23T17:23:05+00:00

There is no such thing as mystical "true self", You are what you do most of the time.

AutoModerator · 2018-03-23T14:35:44+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

ganso_bum · 2018-03-23T15:58:44+00:00

She advocates

Found the flaw

Being my true self doesn't help. I'm a weeaboo, a gamer, a pro wrestling fan, and I don't care about normie-type shit. I would have to fake a lot and hide a lot to buy enough time to where they might keep talking to me if I revealed any of the above.

LifterofThings · 2018-03-23T16:21:27+00:00

I think this is another one of these questions with no clear answer, because an individual's answer will depend on their hierarchy of values.

In this context, if you're attracting a reasonable number of partners that you find to be suitable potential romantic interests, you have no problem... the issue is when you're attracting nobody, or nobody that you'd consider a suitable option for sex/a relationship.

At that point, you get to decide whether being your "authentic self" is worth the risk of never finding somebody, and if it isn't, to what degree are you willing to change or compromise your "authentic self" to widen your pool of options. Which parts of yourself are too important to compromise for other people? ... and that's going to come down to what you value. I guess the worst case scenario would be realizing that you have to become someone you hate to have any opportunities for romance and connection at all... which would totally suck and I'm glad I don't have to deal with that reality, but I'm sure those men and women are out there.

In my personal opinion, "conventional" wisdom has swung TOO far in the direction of "self-acceptance". It seems insane to me that we can't even contemplate self-improvement because anything less than full endorsement of our shitty qualities (and we all have them) destroys us spiritually and emotionally. Using the "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" dogma to justify being a shitty person is abhorrent, imo, but we're holding that shit up as empowering now.

sadomasochrist · 2018-03-23T16:39:31+00:00

No.

Operating without an intricate mask is basically autistic.

Jammerly1 · 2018-03-23T16:55:59+00:00

Good thread. It depends. I'd say no in general but only because my personality is quite specific and being myself made me an outcast.

ABC_Florida · 2018-03-23T18:03:27+00:00

Depends on your intentions. If you are not planning a serious relationship, you get your way easier if you serve the demand.

If it is a serious thing, you also lie to yourself, and wast time for both of you.

blackedoutfast · 2018-03-23T19:30:43+00:00

what you think of as your "true self" is just your most comfortable mask. it's an illusion created by the conscious part of your brain.

this isn't a bad thing. those masks are precisely what makes human civilization and society possible. it's what makes us different from all the other animals.

and if you ever do dig all the way down, it's not pretty underneath those masks; it's just fucking and fighting and screaming and crying and no conscious thought.

Ordinate1 · 2018-03-23T20:35:05+00:00

Do The Benefits of Being Your True Self Outweigh the Costs?

No, but only because you're not asking the right question:

"Do the benefits outweigh the DIFFERENCE between the costs of being yourself as opposed to the costs of not doing so?"

And the answer to that is almost always, "Yes," the exceptions being lucky people who are either naturally charming and sociable or rich.

ContrasexualWoman · 2018-03-23T22:21:04+00:00

Absolutely. Being fake takes work, being myself is as natural as breathing. Who needs extra stress in their life?

Whisper · 2018-03-23T22:43:11+00:00

There is no true self.

We are what we repeatedly do.

[deleted] · 2018-03-24T12:52:25+00:00

When TRP hears "Be yourself", it seems like what they think is "Do absolutely nothing differently and mindlessly go through life as you always have".

Ironically, being yourself is what Marcus Aurelius talks about in meditations when he proposes that people should act in accordance with their nature. Ironic because AFAIK TRP recommends reading Meditations.

All humans have a "Nature". One of the most replicated findings in all of social science is related to the heritability of psychological traits. Being yourself means living a life that is congruent to this, and doing so honestly.

The negatives of this is that you'll drive away some people who do not like who you are. The benefits is that you will attract the people who do. If you have lived a life where you've created a persona based on what you think people want from you, being yourself will drive people away because they're actually not your friends - but friends of your fake persona.

DB605 · 2018-03-25T16:29:45+00:00

A 35yr old man who loves My Little Pony and has a Waifu "being himself" is a radically terrible plan to attract pretty much anyone of any gender. One might say "but if a partner can't handle his love of cartoons and anime women, they aren't for him anyway!". Yes, but that's no how people work...

Women will forgive pretty much anything if they like you. The famous "Henry" case (a case in which a man codenamed "henry" severely beat and hospitalized his wife, and somehow managed to keep getting married to new women when the new woman was aware of what he had done to the previous ones over 7 times) in psychology demonstrates this pretty aptly.

Rolling out your personality in bits and pieces is more effective in general, to most people than bombarding people with whatever your weird thing is.

Furthermore, women generally strongly dislike, or at least don't sexually screen for men deviate from the commonly perceived "chad" personality, so JBY is even worse advice for men.

It can, however work fine for women. In fact, I'd say this advice is effective for women so long as the woman isn't A) a tomboy or B) a radical feminist. Men enjoy women who are different and quirky in general. Basic Bitches are boring as all fuck.

Title	Do The Benefits of Being Your True Self Outweigh the Costs?
Author	Jammerly1
Upvotes	3
Comments	51
Date	March 23, 2018 2:35 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/86l3el/do_the_benefits_of_being_your_true_self_outweigh/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-the-benefits-of-being-your-true-self-outweigh.263153 https://theredarchive.com/post/263153

Comments