How has FDS changed you?

RunDJC1111 · 2020-09-24T01:03:23+00:00

Today, while I was cleaning up the kitchen after my two kids finished dinner, after teaching a course at one of top university in the world, after working a full day at my day job in a male dominated field, I realized that I am the prize. These stank ass men from who I wanted their love and attention are the ones who are wanting. Not me. I am the prize. I am the woman they want on their arms to show off. But they are not the men I want to show off.

I am the prize.

Edit: and I look and feel awesome. Not going to add “for my age”, or “for a mom”, or some shitty qualifier. I just point blank look and feel amazing.

mistakesweremade000 · 2020-09-23T23:45:16+00:00

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Solaresa · 2020-09-24T01:23:13+00:00

I have realised that I really, truly love my own company. I love coming home after work, making myself a nice dinner, and hanging out with my pets. Maybe playing a video game for an hour or so. Pottering around the house. Taking care of my plants. I feel like it's so taboo for women to be happy alone - we should be desperate for a partner and kids, and "oh god, isn't it so sad that you spend your evenings alone?" No, it's not!
I have stopped pretending to align with other people's feelings so much. I always knew I didn't care as much about relationships and kids as society wanted me to, but I have always let people say things like "you'll understand one day, when you have a husband and kids!" and just smiled and nodded to keep the peace. The other day a coworker said "you'll get it when you have children of your own" to me, and I said "I actually don't want children". It feels good not to be hiding behind the mask of what the world tells me women should be.
I am working on leveling up my life in every aspect. I am getting fitter. Getting dental work. Getting nice clothes, lingerie and shoes that I feel awesome in. All for me, and only for me.
This is a weird one, but I'm sure some ladies here will relate. I walk differently and my whole presence is...different. Head held high, eyes up, confident strides. In important work conversations I say my piece without any of the self-deprecating caveats of "sorry if this has already been said..." or "I know I'm not the most knowledgeable, but...". I know other people notice too, because they treat me differently. This mindset shift stuff is really some kinda magic, I swear.

2020-09-24T01:15:58+00:00

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snooklepookle_ · 2020-09-24T01:31:19+00:00

It made me actually, genuinely love myself.

I never even understood what that meant before. I hopped from relationship to relationship for the last decade. I was insecure and honestly a pretty shitty person.

Now I love myself and what I have to offer. I like my own company and I'm not afraid to explore my own thoughts and learn about myself. I put myself out there and stop assuming everyone knows better than me and therefore any criticism is valid. I stopped feeling less than. I don't hate myself for making mistakes. It pulled back the curtain of the patriarchy for sure. If I gain weight I just think "oh man that pizza was really good and I'm nice and soft, it feels harder to get out of bed though" instead of beating myself up because literally only my opinion on shit like that matters. My biggest fear before was being alone, and now it's being trapped. My mental health problems all stemmed from a fear of abandonment, and I can feel it slowly melting away. I spent two years stuck on my lvm ex and I've just begun smiling to myself when I'm alone and thinking I'm so lucky to have dodged that bullet. I feel free and happy, I'm not completely all there yet but I'm miles from where I was.

suuuuupa · 2020-09-23T23:39:43+00:00

This is awesome!! And congrats on going for your PhD! 🙌🏼🙌🏼 I just completed mine in Chemistry in May, but after feeling completely drained and lonely in quarantine (although accomplished), I found myself falling back into bad habits and found FDS really helpful too! My confidence has sky rocketed learning about other people’s stories and just how kickass I truly am. I’m never settling for less than I deserve (in any part of my life) again!

mistakesweremade000 · 2020-09-24T01:41:51+00:00

For me personally, I realize that I don't owe men anything. The only person I owe everything to, is myself.

Before joining FDS, I used to day-dream about some dream man to come and sweep me off my feet. To make my life better. This never eventuated. With every failed date, with every rotten man that 'crossed my path. I always blamed myself for that--I assumed that it was my fault in some manner. "Why is this so difficult? Is it me, that's the problem?"

I would become infatuated with someone who seemed to fit that description, being naive and ignoring the red flags. In a selfish way, I wanted to fit these broken men into that ideal. Sure, we know LVM are assholes--but this became an eye-opening experience to me. Why do I long for this so much? Why do I long for true love to complete me?

Simple, because I have a lot more work to do on myself. Because I lack self love within. After reading each of your stories, as well as the information in the sidebar, I now realize that I'm perfectly happy being alone, just as well. That I truly enjoy my own company.

That all of the things I wanted to do, I can do. I don't need anyone's permission. At this stage in my life, I have the absolute freedom to do whatever I wish. To build a life of quality, that I may one day share with a man of quality, just as well. My life doesn't stop or start with a husband. My life already is... I just had to be steered in the right direction.

Congratulations by the way sis, on finding FDS too. Also, putting all of your time and energy into what is truly important. Yourself.

Edited: Words.

youdipthong · 2020-09-24T00:54:12+00:00

From this sub, I’m learning to be much more witty for sure cuz y’all are ruthless haha. But anyways, I now will never chase a guy even if he’s the last man on earth. I’ve always dressed simple and elegant however, now I’m gonna be a bit more dressed up and put more effort into my hair and makeup. I’m also not afraid to say “no” or to disagree with my friends because I used to always try to please them since I struggle with making and keeping friends.

super_thinker_ · 2020-09-24T04:12:09+00:00

This might sound a little hippie woo woo, but ever since finding fds, I feel this strong, bright energy emanating from myself. An impenetrable halo of light that no one can stand near unless I invite them to. I feel like I belong somewhere for the first time in my life and I feel a new sense of purpose and clarity when I wake up in the morning.

TexiMcCrae · 2020-09-24T01:47:51+00:00

I can see negging now. I never realized how many men in my life undercut me as a professional radar technician because THEY couldn’t understand my job and tried to make me feel stupid instead. Now I can hear it and give it right back. I know that sounds very basic... but it’s improved my life a lot.

ekkokekekko · 2020-09-24T02:46:18+00:00

Love this post.

FDS helped me solve a mental riddle. I understood on a surface level that I was kind. Hard working. Skilled. Autonomous. And WORTHY. People around me would tell me this. My THERAPIST told me this. That as I recovered from my ended marriage, I needed to avoid new relationships, and that I needed to be kind to myself, and patient, and to set boundaries with others, and to learn to be okay with being alone, and to value myself and my needs, because I WAS WORTH IT.

But it wouldn't sink in. I have diary entries from a month ago talking about how desperately lonely I was and how badly I craved external validation from men, even though I knew I shouldn't.

I discovered FDS on a particularly depressed Saturday while looking up dating advice on Reddit. The sub posts and the handbook were like a strange key to me. It let my therapist's words really sink in. Reading the handbook helped me understand something I never fully could comprehend: this desire to be validated by others wasn't an intrinsic part of my nature, a flaw that could never be corrected.

It was PROGRAMMING.

I was taught to be this way. To crave validation externally and to always seek it from men, to desire being chosen, to be passive in relationships, to be supportive and accepting to any man who showed me attention, to give the nice guy a chance, to be the cool girl.

This sub solved a riddle I've been fighting all my life. What is the correct way to live? How can I be true to myself AND kind to others? The answer is, the only thing under my control is ME. I can work on myself, develop and grow and care for myself, conduct myself with self-love and self-respect, strive for my desired accomplishments, and thus be an example. I can show everyone around me through my actions that this way of life is not just possible, but will let me flourish.

If a man wants to share this life with me, he's welcome to. Assuming he's a complimentary improvement to what I'm already doing.

Otherwise, I won't be bothered.

maraslove · 2020-09-24T02:24:00+00:00

Completely left OLD. If I never been on it, I wouldn’t have met the demons that I did. Began having hobbies and opened an online business to stay busy. No longer stressing out about being married, especially to the wrong person. I’m 27, let’s chill tf out. No longer sends novel-like texts. I block immediately and erase the thread. I’m more happier and less angrier. I used to have extreme anger issues. I’ve fallen in love with myself.

berned-out · 2020-09-24T02:14:20+00:00

I've benefitted in getting my head aligned on my priorities and feeling good about them. I'm applying a lot of the principles of protection, like setting high standards from the initial encounter or every conversation. Setting boundaries and not extending my emotions to people, not offering myself up hoping to be liked or inquire on anything that might lead to me being asked to do favors. I'm a lot more selective on who I share my daily news with also. I do not invite opinions from anyone, and I know who those ppl are who always have one. Most of all, I'm really enjoying watching this movement explode. It's definitely bringing me joy watching young women arm themselves against all the things that come our way when dating. Dating and mating without intent is just a dangerous narrative, because men definitely have intent and strategies. So this has brought joy, a better lifestyle, and I have a strong direction in my life now, that's not dating, but leveling up and enjoying all the real talk that goes on here. I might not agree with everyone, but everyone here is supportive and not hostile and they give thoughtful advice that's usually really good. I don't have that anywhere else.

ralviee · 2020-09-24T01:20:37+00:00

I learned to really embrace the idea that good is not always nice, boundaries are Not Optional, and I deserve to have my standards met and respected.

It also helped me look critically at myself and what needed changing. Not sure I would have kept to my goals or changed for the better as much as I have were it not for the uncompromising tough love you all share on the daily.

Cool-Summer · 2020-09-24T01:31:37+00:00

FDS made me realize that I am enough, and was always enough! And instead of constantly trying to be “good enough” for people I should instead be asking if they’re right for ME. And that if a guy doesn’t act right in the beginning, he NEVER will, so don’t waste my time!

basicbagels · 2020-09-24T00:40:37+00:00

Great post!! Any tips on improving posture? I’m always looking to do so

werker115 · 2020-09-24T02:20:54+00:00

I’m direct and unapologetic

christina2868 · 2020-09-24T03:29:33+00:00

I definitely do not let the opinion of men affect my sense of self worth anymore! Before, if I was talking to a guy and he lagged for hours/days or responded dryly, I would overthink what I said/ try to overcompensate and contact him/ take it personally etc etc etc. Now? If I don’t get the effort I want, nexttttt. Lack of effort is so unattractive to me now I cant believe I ever put up with it.

Salty-Tomorrow · 2020-09-24T03:23:21+00:00

Great post. FDS has helped me own my shit. I don’t need to accommodate everybody (esp. men) in order to be worthy, I just am. And I’m not ashamed to say it!

usually_compliant · 2020-09-24T09:00:06+00:00

FDS helped me take men off a pedestal and realize I should be applying the same ruthless standards I have for my professional life to my romantic life. I also won't be offering to pay on any more dates!!!

2020-09-24T04:00:02+00:00

Boosted my confidence. Helped me recognize emotional abuse.

swatir24 · 2020-09-24T13:58:36+00:00

I'm a HVW turned pickme and now a recovering pickme. I found FDS and it was so easy to go back to my HV ways.

What FDS has changed in me is that I no longer feel the need to have a boyfriend. This is the first time in my life I have been single for a couple of months, with absolutely no romantic interest on the horizon. It's so freeing and I can't believe it took me so long to get here.

Maude2010 · 2020-09-24T23:29:16+00:00

I have no interest in dating. But since hanging out here I’ve felt more confident, more disciplined and yet gentler with myself, more optimistic, and just overall so much happier. I know this sub is called Female Dating Strategy and we talk a lot about men, but I’ve been focusing on women, including myself. I don’t think I was ever much of a pickmesha but I still cared too much about men, and was way too generous and accommodating. Now, except for the HVM in my family and one ex boyfriend who is a good friend, I ignore men. I’ve deleted all their numbers. I’m not engaging. And it’s amazing how much less tired I am. I’ve made new female friends and have never laughed so hard. My mind is unburdened. Life is peaceful. Every time I remember some stupid or offensive thing a dude did or said to me, I take a deep breath, acknowledge the thought, and remind myself that he doesn’t deserve my mental energy. I’ve gotten some nasty messages from men since I started posting here again and I just delete them and forget about it. A few months ago that stuff would have ruined my day. FDS for me is about ME: loving myself, valuing my time and energy, and prioritizing myself. It’s about integrity and standing up to shitty people, male or female. It’s about living a life of freedom and contentment. It’s really hard to express how much better I feel. I used to be exhausted all the time. I’m not anymore. I’m still tired, sure, because life is busy, but it’s not that emotional fatigue that I felt before. I feel lighter. Happier. Just better. It’s all better.

Title	How has FDS changed you?
Author	mistakesweremade000
Upvotes	163
Comments	42
Date	September 23, 2020 11:28 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iylt4j/how_has_fds_changed_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-has-fds-changed-you.269322 https://theredarchive.com/post/269322

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