Q4W: What does it mean when a woman "needs" to get to know a guy before she wants to have sex with him?

ApatheticAnarchy · 2016-10-01T03:55:44+00:00

Having a sexual relationship with a guy you haven't vetted is downright dangerous.

philomexa · 2016-10-01T15:01:35+00:00

ITT: people who would normally argue that biological impulse and motivation are deeply wired and impervious to social change (hurr durr biotroofs), yet are flabbergasted that women's bioligical impulse to vet potential baby daddies remains unaffected by the advent of condoms and birth control.

GTFO of here with your bullshit.

TW_CountryMusic · 2016-10-01T04:24:03+00:00

Specifically, does getting to know a guy make you more horny for him?

Yes.

And I also enjoy the buildup of sexual tension that comes from the flirting period. I like to let that tension build for a while, and I think it makes sex (and the relationship, if one develops) better once it does happen.

Secondly, is the decision to put off sex because you find a guy interesting conscious or unconscious? Like do you actually feel like having sex initially, or is the desire not there at all?

Unconscious. I'm not thinking, "This guy is hot, but I'd better not have sex with him yet." I've literally never wanted to have sex within moments of meeting someone, ever. That's not something I can remotely relate to.

Also, like others have said, sex is risky for a woman. Aside from pregnancy risk, there's the fact that this person is much bigger and stronger than you. It shouldn't be hard to understand why you might want to put off being naked, vulnerable and alone with them until you know them a little better.

And because I know it's coming: yes, there are women who jump into bed with guys an hour after meeting them. I believe these women are by far the minority, and I can't say what their motivations are. Frankly, at the risk of being judgmental, I think they're pretty stupid.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2016-10-01T03:46:30+00:00

It's not that the woman doesn't know if she wants to have sec with him before she gets to know him, it's that she wants him to want to have more with HER than just sex

I don't know why this is persistently difficult. Women risk a lot having sex. They risk pregnancy and getting pumped and dumped. If a woman meets a man who she wants both sex AND a relationship with, it is in her interest to try to get him invested in her somewhat before having sex. It doesn't rule out being pumped and dumped, it reduces the chances of bring pumped and dumped. unless men can try to understand that being pumped and dumped by a guy she likes is very devastating to women, and there's no incel-like "oh well, at least I got to have sex! " then they will NEVER, understand these female behaviors. Men treat women differently based on whether they see them as relationship material or not, well women do the same thing

TheChemist158 · 2016-10-01T06:41:43+00:00

Now, I am asking this in search of knowledge. I am not trying to judge anybody here.

Following in that spirit, I'll try to answer as best as I can. Hopefully I'm not going to get cries of "bullshit", which I usually get. Believe it or not, this is exactly how I experience it.

I have never once in my life looked at a stranger and wanted to fuck him. I notice particularly handsome guys, but they don't arouse me, or interest me. They are noteworthy, but only in the same way that a guy with a weird tattoo is noteworthy. I'm not driven to interact with them or try to talk with them in any way.

I'll start to get to know people, and as they become important parts of my life, I get enjoyment and excitement from seeing them. I start subconsciously looking them. I'm always "looking" for my boyfriend. Even if he is right next to me, if I see a guy similar to him I'll do a doubletake as I think "Hey, is that Mr. Chemist?".

I'll want to be near him. I'll want to share physical affection with him. It makes me feel close to him, makes me feel assured that he loves me and our relationship is strong. It's at this point, and only this point, when sexual desires arise. Don't get me wrong, I have a sex drive in and of itself. When single, I masturbate plenty. When I have sex with my boyfriend, it's because I want sex. But there's two different motives. One is just for the physical, sexual release of tension that I could provide myself with if needed. The second is a want to feel closer to him. But without actually being pretty close to him, the drive to have sex with another person just isn't there.

AliceOxalis · 2016-10-01T15:34:38+00:00

What does it mean when a woman(you), says that she needs to get to know a guy first before she wants to have sex?

Just because reliable birth control has existed for the last .00001% of human evolution, doesn't mean that female choosiness isn't still carved into our psychology. Having sex can literally cripple us for 9 months and burden us for the rest of our lives, you think we aren't going to be evolved to at least get to know the guy before boinking him?

DynamicLoser · 2016-10-01T09:24:00+00:00

As a man, this is something else I can't wrap my mind around. If a girl is an interesting person, it would be way more fun to have sex and then talk about interesting stuff, rather than skip out on the sex.

So lets start with one of the founding ideas of the redpill, men and women ARE DIFFERENT.

I am just curious as to how many times the women on this forum need to answer the same question in various forms until the men get it.

Yes as a man you are never gonna fully understand why. So accept that men and women are DIFFERENT and move on. And perhaps, when women over and over say the same thing, you may just want to believe them.

dragoness_leclerq · 2016-10-01T10:07:54+00:00

I know from the first few moments of looking at a girl if I want to have sex with her or not.

Of course you do, and I think that's pretty typical for male sexuality. However, most women don't really operate like that. Finding a man physically attractive and actually wanting to immediately act on that attraction are generally two totally different things.

What does it mean when a woman (you), says that she needs to get to know a guy first before she wants to have sex?

For ME personally, it means I want to know if I actually "click" with the guy on a "deeper" level – meaning, beyond finding him superficially attractive. It also means I want to at least attempt to get a read on his "true intentions". Guys that I find attractive who would be DTF on sight are a dime a dozen. Guys who I find attractive that actually want relationships with me? Not so much.

Like do you actually feel like having sex initially, or is the desire not there at all?

Generally, it takes a lot for me to get naked and be that vulnerable with someone, so when I do, it's typically going to be after much reassurance and careful consideration. The desire to have sex with someone initially has rarely ever been present and when it has, it's not exactly what I'd call burning lust. More like a fleeting thought of 'hmm, I'd like to fuck that one day soon'.

Given that sex makes me feel bonded to a person, waiting also prevents me from forming premature and/or improper attachments to unsuitable men. And note, these aren't necessarily men who are cads, or "players" looking for hookups either, these can also be "LTR oriented" men who are emotionally unstable, have bad character or are just plain annoying as fuck to be around.

Specifically, does getting to know a guy make you more horny for him?

Sure, sometimes. It’s an amazing thing when allow attraction to slowly simmer or build and build. But sometimes it has the opposite effect. I've encountered a few men in my life who, while I was insanely attracted to them initially, after as little as a few additional hours (say, over the course of a couple days) in their company, I felt nothing short of revulsion.

I've met guys who at first had me like damn this guy is chill/hot/funny, omg! on the first date or so, but after subsequent interactions made me want to gag. Including ones who turned out to be racist (and no, I don't mean cracked a few politically incorrect jokes), too religious, had a history of addiction or weird sexual proclivities that I wanted no parts of, and ones who were indecisive, overly-deferential ass kissers. It only took me one or two of these "0-60s" to understand that having sex too soon would be a regrettable choice.

If a girl is an interesting person, it would be way more fun to have sex and then talk about interesting stuff, rather than skip out on the sex.

Once again, of COURSE this is how you see things; male sexuality is almost completely at odds with female sexuality. Yet as a woman - aside from STDs and pregnancy - I risk quite a lot by having sex too soon. Rejection, shame and humiliation, wasted time and effort, lack of fulfillment and diminished value (in the eyes of some), just to name a few.

What real benefit is there for a woman to meet a man she believes she finds interesting, have sex with him and then see if he is actually interesting? Saying nothing of the fact that simply being (or appearing) interesting is hardly a big enough incentive for me to have quick, questionable sex.

damaskrose · 2016-10-01T17:38:01+00:00

Well for me it means I'm not capable of being sexually attracted to someone until after I get to know them. Doesn't matter how attractive he is... The thought of sex just seems uncomfortable and kinda yucky, unless we have an emotional connection.

sublimemongrel · 2016-10-01T17:24:27+00:00

I know from the first few moments of looking at a girl if I want to have sex with her or not. If I do find her sexually attractive, the willingness to have sex is there right from the beginning. It can happen as soon as she allows it to.

You realize a lot of women aren't like this right? I have never known instantly just by looking at a man whether I'd sleep with him or not.

What does it mean when a woman(you), says that she needs to get to know a guy first before she wants to have sex? Like what changes in feelings or desires do you feel if you do this? Specifically, does getting to know a guy make you more horny for him?

Yes, for me anyway. Personality traits can make someone much more sexually attractive to me. Establishing the emotional bond will also develop sexual attraction in me.

Secondly, is the decision to put off sex because you find a guy interesting conscious or unconscious? Like do you actually feel like having sex initially, or is the desire not there at all?

For me it's unconscious I think. There might be attraction to his physical appearance but it's not going to be anywhere near enough for me to have sex with him until I develop the emotional connection and get to know him. Yes, I can find him objectively physically attractive, but that's just never been enough for me.

shogunofsarcasm · 2016-10-01T04:52:52+00:00

For me, I can tell by looking at someone I just met whether or not it is likely I'd have sex with him. That doesn't mean I will though. I like knowing the person so I can find out if they are actually attractive to me. I like it because then I can meet the person more and become comfortable with them. I can't have sex with someone I am uncomfortable with.

[deleted] · 2016-10-01T16:46:01+00:00

[permanently deleted]

SpaceWhiskey · 2016-10-01T17:37:17+00:00

Personally, I'm into the slow burn. Part of what makes sex exciting is flirting, build-up, foreplay, tension, a building desire. Both mentally and physically, that's what gets me ready for sex. Jumping right into the PIV act itself is sort of anti-climactic and possibly even painful if I'm not sufficiently aroused.

Also, what if he's crazy? What if he's cruel and dangerous? These things are important to know, women risk much more than men when they have sex.

[deleted] · 2016-10-01T03:46:22+00:00

Male sexual attention is abundant and without value. She has plenty of it, so her asking price is understandably higher.

Would you rather buy a car with or without a warranty?

Ok, now imagine cars are free, but you have to pay insurance and only need one car.

[deleted] · 2016-10-01T03:48:32+00:00

woman who needs to know a guy first here. i can want to do it, and know it within moments. however, i have self control. and the reasons why (not) and possible negative outcomes also come to mind; if i don't know a guy, there are a lot of those. if i get to know a guy, i have the chance to rule them out, or walk away. i can get to a place where i feel comfortable with the decision, and won't suffer regrets (or worse) later. it's really a matter of weighing risks vs. reward.

MisgenderedCactus · 2016-10-01T04:59:34+00:00

I'm demisexual, so this post basically describes me to a T. However, from what I know of many other women plus the fact that some women enjoy casual sex or ONS, it would seem that either not all women are actually demisexual or they can override it at times.

Specifically, does getting to know a guy make you more horny for him?

Without a single doubt. I thought my lover was very physically attractive from the moment I met him. He has an amazing smile, beautiful eyes, a nice ass, fantastic scent, the dad-bod body type I drool over, and blonde hair. But I didn't want to sleep with him...I just thought he was really hot. But after becoming good friends with him over the course of 2 years, I learned more and more about the type of actual person he is, and that jumped my desire for him higher the more of him I saw. Like, yeah I could tell within 30 seconds if his body was attractive, but it took a while to see the radiance of his mind/personality, which is just as important.

Like do you actually feel like having sex initially, or is the desire not there at all?

It's tough to say. I'm horny 24/7, so personally it's not a matter of desire...I am always wanting sex. But I naturally think of sex as the most intimate activity you could ever possibly share with someone, and it requires vulnerability, trust, love, and even a minor amount of mutual respect (the earned type). Sex is borderline sacred, in my view. So no matter how incredibly horny I am, I'm still never going to have sex with someone who just happens to be physically attractive. I know nothing about them. All the bodily perfection in the world cannot change that.

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[deleted] · 2016-10-03T05:24:17+00:00

What does it mean when a woman(you), says that she needs to get to know a guy first before she wants to have sex? Like what changes in feelings or desires do you feel if you do this? >Specifically, does getting to know a guy make you more horny for him? Secondly, is the decision to put off sex because you find a guy interesting conscious or unconscious? Like do you actually feel like having sex initially, or is the desire not there at all?

As a woman, I can only speak for myself.
I don't feel any sexual desire for a man until something in his personality "sparks" me. For me, usually I feel a tremendous connection with him when he gets my jokes, and can joke back at me. Then I hunger to convert that emotional connection into a physical connection. So I've only dated & had sex with men I met thru social circles.

As a man, this is something else I can't wrap my mind around. If a girl is an interesting person, it would be way more fun to have sex and then talk about interesting stuff, rather than skip out on the sex.

Ha! You know how you have trouble feeling up to interesting talk before sex?? Exact opposite for me. Terribly frustrating, I agree. I think this is why so many women find LTR sex so much more satisfying than risky casual. The LTR already built the emotional connection & trust which makes sex fulfilling. John Gray was surprised too that his wife thought their marital sex only grew better with the years.

I can well understand women who clings to a man who "does it" for her when she finally finds him. It's like being thirsty, but surrounded by salt water which will make you feel sick & even thirstier if you drink it. In this analogy, salt water means lots of horny dudes who only offer empty, unsatisfying sex, plus risking awkwardness or that he can be mean, etc.... So finding fresh water is incredible. :)

Title	Q4W: What does it mean when a woman "needs" to get to know a guy before she wants to have sex with him?
Author	gavinok
Upvotes	4
Comments	120
Date	October 1, 2016 3:36 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/55bm7n/q4w_what_does_it_mean_when_a_woman_needs_to_get/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-what-does-it-mean-when-a-woman-needs-to-get-to.272652 https://theredarchive.com/post/272652

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