How is it like to date/marry someone with mental health or addiction problems?

Workaholiconew · 2020-01-06T01:48:44+00:00

Dangerous,

I once upon a time though I hit jackpot with a woman I used to date. Cute, nice, and quite sexual. I couldn't be happier. I accepted her unreasonability in the beginning because I thought she was just like any other girl, a bit wacky but not dangerous... but it got worse, she became controlling, she became needy, and she became paranoid.

The camels back broke when she tried to assault me with a knife, making a enormous scar on my hand when I entered in her building because she thought I was into one of her friends (her paranoia).

She is now in jail because of it. I am lucky all I got was a scar.

Never again.

Never put your dick in crazy. Ever.

SunflowerBurst · 2020-01-06T01:51:16+00:00

People with really bad chemical addictions will treat the substance as their mistress and the actual spouse will feel ignored

Maybelowsmv · 2020-01-06T02:04:06+00:00

[deleted]

DebatePony · 2020-01-06T03:09:57+00:00

Sok, I don't like to post about this but... My husband has experienced some serious mental breaks with reality over the years.

It sucks and it's hard to combat imaginary forces, but it's something that can be worked through if one is dedicated AND the person wants to get better.

Add to that he also struggles with alcoholism it's... Trying, but again, he wants to be better so it's worth it. If he didn't want to better himself (and take steps to do so) I'd be out the door.

We made vows to each other and we intend to stick by them for the rest of our lives.

GreenSatyr · 2020-01-06T02:12:11+00:00

I've dated people with and without diagnosed issues, My conclusion is that diagnoses don't mean much, look towards actions. If a mental health issue or addiction impairs functionality you will find out fast. But I don't base that judgement off a diagnosis, i base that off behavior.

Some people tell you about their issues. Others have no awareness of their issues. It does not matter either way what people tell you beforehand, it matters what people do.

When I was younger, dating someone with impaired functionality was difficult because I'd try to take care of them. It was a lot of work. Now that I am older, I have drawn boundaries and realized that just because someone needs and deserves care doesn't necessarily mean that I can give them care.

I think nowadays, mental ability, like physical ability, and also physical attractiveness, is just one trait among many others that I might take into account.

Twiteena · 2020-01-06T04:04:23+00:00

I briefly dated a guy who turned out to be crazy. Ended things with him as nicely as I could and he flipped on me, tried to run me over with his SUV. I had to get a restraining order and take him to court. Got him to go away, but for years I was looking over my shoulder. He was the worst by a long shot, and I later learned that he had done this to other women like me.

Avoid crazy men.

DarkenedCentrist · 2020-01-06T01:50:49+00:00

Dating a BPD girl is insane. Literally had girls contradict themselves in the middle of a conversation and then just pretend they didn't really say the first thing. Great in bed tho tbf.

2020-01-06T01:49:40+00:00

It sucks. They have to want to get help and it takes dedication to take their meds and/or go see a shrink. Usually, they don't think it's bad or are too lazy to do anything about it. Only when it starts to fuck with their ability to get/keep a job or gets them in trouble with the law do some try and change.

CHAD_TDK · 2020-01-06T03:28:14+00:00

Depends on the type of mental illness/addition and the dynamics between the two.

My second ex-wife's mother was (and still is) a narcissist/sociopath while her husband was a successful enough business person but meek (pussy whipped), he gave her all, gave her a great life and yet it was never enough for her, she looked down on him, looked up at other alpha guys (in front of him) and he was the poster boy of living a life of quiet desperation + Stockholm syndrome while being madly in love with her. He's dead now, and yes she pulled the plug on him against his wishes and the wishes of my ex-wife who was also in his health proxy.

Gravel_Roads · 2020-01-06T09:44:54+00:00

Depends on which vice, I guess. My partner has social anxiety and is probably OCD, but it's not all that obstructive - if anything, it makes us extra compatible because I'm neither of those, so to them I pretty much have super powers. I'm their "boots on the ground" and help them find people that I think they'd get along with.

In the mean time, i'm kinda ADD and bipolar, so his level of organization and attention to detail are super powers to me.

So essentially, it works well and I just help him with social stuff and he helps me with my paperwork. We benefit one another pretty optimally.

rizenphoenix13 · 2020-01-06T03:09:54+00:00

Sometimes the problem isn't them, it's toxic people around them that they can't seem to cut loose for some reason or another. It took years to convince my husband to cut contact with his toxic family. Since he cut contact almost 5 years ago, he's been healthier mentally than he has been the last 25 years.

webernicke · 2020-01-06T04:55:28+00:00

How is it like to date/marry someone with mental health or addiction problems?

Terrifying. Heartbreaking. Frustrating because of how little it feels you can actually help them. Almost feels like there's a demon inside the person you love twisting them into someone you don't know. There's this point where you really have to come to terms with the brass tacks reality of the "in sickness and in health" ideal and you feel terrible about what that makes you feel.

In your experience, so they tell you prior abot their issues? Or is ir something you notice over time? How does it affect the dynamics?

My experience was with a woman that developed a severe mental illness while we were dating and slowly lost her grip on reality so there was no such thing as a prior warning.

Were there any lasting issues on your own mental health?

Probably. Not ashamed to say I had a couple of ugly cry sessions. I was suicidal during the worst of it. Couldn't sleep at home. Started to take crazy risks. I was unwilling to prioritize my own wellbeing and straight up abandon her, but sometimes the coward's way out felt like an attractive option.

She ended up breaking up with me, which I'm unsure was a moment of delusion or lucidity. After it was over I went a bit hard on the partying. Not sold on the idea that I deserve to find love again when she's still out there struggling for her life. Tried to settle for meaningless sex for a while, but NSA is difficult for a guy like me, so porn it is.

Still feel guilty about the whole thing, but then again I'm probably still not going to go see her either so...yeah I'm quite full of shit.

2020-01-06T12:57:55+00:00

Ex was bi-polar and suffered depression. Things were mostly fine the first few years. We didn't argue much and life was generally pretty good. When we had a child together, the stresses of family life just brought out the worse in him/ his problems.

He stopped being a good partner and did a ton of shitty things. Threatened to leave me if I didn't do certain things he liked and reminded me I was 'lucky' to have him. He also got insanely jealous when I went out with friends.

One night I came home from the pub (which was discussed and arranged before hand) and he accused me of being out cheating on him. A week later I sat him down and broke up with him.

We usually get in OK (he has the child twice a week) but sometime he'll just ring me up and start screaming down the phone at me and calling me a bad mother. Like once my daughter took her tights of at school and when he picked her up she wasn't wearing them. So he rang up shouting about me and threatening to call social services.

What I learned is that people can't help but have mental illnesses, but at the same time it's difficult to deferentiate whether the poor behaviour is the persons fault, or the mentail illnesses fault. Either way for your own wellbeing, I would advice you to stay clear of them - especially if you want something serious.

wtknight · 2020-01-06T02:41:05+00:00

My wife and I have similar social anxiety issues. Ideally I think that people with psychological issues are best suited for other people who have or have had that same issue.

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Riat567 · 2020-01-06T03:06:16+00:00

Ex gf had bipolar and i think BPD, she cheated. so yeah i dont date girls with mental problem

2020-01-06T04:08:07+00:00

Like a prison if you haven't developed a solid nexting instinct

QueenCousland86 · 2020-01-06T04:41:49+00:00

It's doable if they WANT to get better, and are actively working towards it. Otherwise no.

goatismycopilot · 2020-01-06T12:45:49+00:00

Super unpleasant and time consuming. It made me anxious I bolted.

Notsonewguy7 · 2020-01-06T13:01:57+00:00

I dated a girl that had abuse issues. It was intense. I liked her emotionally but not so much physically and she was more sexual than I wanted to be with her. I felt guilty and weird everytime something slightly sexual would happen.

Sometimes I felt like she was trying to re-live abuse through me, that felt gross. Other times it felt inappropriate to try to initiate sex or even intimacy. I tried to understand her issues but my experiences were so different with family, sex, and feelings of guilt.

I was terrified to leave because I convinced myself I had to stay because that's the right thing to do. In the end the relationship faded away she moved on I moved on.

After her I stayed away from women for a while. Men where much easier at least the ones that weren't closet cases.

theawaregirl · 2020-01-06T14:19:16+00:00

It depends on a few factors...

Are they aware of their own mental health problems?
Are they actively working to fix those problems?
Are they capable of being in a committed relationship while working on fixing those problems?

If the answer to all three questions is yes, you're fine. There may be ups and downs, there will be struggles, there may be some very rough moments, but so long as you both care for each other and work together, this can be done and healed.

Typically, the following may fall into this category:

Mild-moderate depression
Seasonal affective disorder
Generalized anxiety or panic disorder
Mild or well-managed mood disorders or OCD

Now, if you answered no to the first two questions, don't even try. This is someone that doesn't want to help themselves, and if you get involved, you will wind up getting hurt. This is where codependency is born if you're the kind of person who thinks they can fix their partner.

DO NOT enter a relationship with someone who won't even acknowledge their own issues.

Now, as for the third question... this is more tricky.

So, in the mental health struggles I mentioned above, the partner is capable of being in a committed relationship that is minimally affected by his/her mental illness.

A depressed partner may stay in more than go out, an anxious partner may need more reassurance than someone who is typical, but this tends to be the extent of it.

Someone, however, who has an untreated addiction and is mentally and physically not her/herself at all... should not be in a committed relationship.

Someone who has untreated bipolar disorder and is great sometimes but goes out and cheats/spends buttloads of money/acts like a completely different person during manic episodes.... should not be in a committed relationship.

Someone with a personality disorder which causes them to manipulate the emotions of their partner in order to get their way... should not be in a committed relationship.

Someone with severe clinical depression who feels like they'd be better off dead because all they do is inconvenience everyone around them... should not be in a committed relationship.

That is not to say that these people don't deserve love - THEY SO DO. And one day they'll get it... when they've healed themselves.

This question can be harder to answer, but at the end of the day, you have to remember that your love won't save someone.

One of the hardest lessons I learned was that, in trying to save everyone, I was actually doing more harm than good. I was taking away their opportunities to learn and grow, I was enabling bad behavior by making myself into a scapegoat, and I was putting myself on the back burner and making MY mental health become a serious issue.

So... it varies from person to person. I have my own personal experience that I won't bore you with.

Thanks for reading my wall of text.

brokegradstudent_93 · 2020-01-06T17:08:37+00:00

I think it all depends on the mental health problem (anxiety, depression, and anger issues) and if they are actively treating it. My fiancé and I both have mental health problems but we both see individual therapists for it. I think the addiction problems depend on whether or not the person is currently sober and if they are actively going to meetings. Untreated mental health problems are a nightmare (I used to be a clingy paranoid disaster) and extreme mental health problems that could lead to psychosis would also be a nightmare to date.

OddButton6 · 2020-01-06T18:10:00+00:00

Currently dating a man that has BPD, bipolar, anger issues, etc. It's exhausting and I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. After I break up with him, I will take a break from dating for awhile...

dmoneycrowgod · 2020-01-06T19:35:46+00:00

My first ex cut her self a lot, I was so young and dealing with my own problems through drug usage so I didn’t judge much tbh. But that relationship was hell after the honeymoon stage ended

Willow-girl · 2020-01-07T05:01:07+00:00

It is hell. Next question?

Title	How is it like to date/marry someone with mental health or addiction problems?
Author	Maybelowsmv
Upvotes	3
Comments	62
Date	January 6, 2020 1:32 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ekmmdb/how_is_it_like_to_datemarry_someone_with_mental/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-is-it-like-to-datemarry-someone-with-mental.304286 https://theredarchive.com/post/304286

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