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What steps should I take before ending a relationship with a woman I am engaged to/cohabitating with?

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February 1, 2020
29 upvotes

I’ll start off with stating I’ve half assed the side bar and only briefly participated in OYS. I found it difficult to stay consistent when I was lying to myself about what my intentions were. I could go into the specifics, but at the end of the day I’m just not excited for marriage, not exactly happy with my relationship, and fucking myself financially. I’m in no place to lead myself through life, much less another human. Marriage isn’t going to fix this, and there’s no point of considering repairing this after calling it off. I did not propose for the right reasons. I’m 27, she’s 26, we’ve been together since highschool, engaged for nearly 1 year, 7 mos to the wedding.

What do I need to consider before moving forward on this? We share an apartment with 6 months left on the lease. She’s on my credit card. We have 2 cats, I would only want 0 or 1 of them. She’s in grad school living off of loans and my assistance. Her parents are broke and she will be a little more than screwed financially for a while, plus they aren’t close to the school so she wouldn’t be able to stay with them.

Then there’s the hooked venue and photographer, ring, DJ, etc that’s been partially payed for. I still care about her, a lot, which is largely what’s made this so difficult to decide on. That and my track record of indecision. There’s going to be significant fallout with friends and family, but that’s just part of it. Go ahead and call me out on my shit, but I’m really looking for some logistical answers here from guys who have done this or gone through a divorce.


Post Information
Title What steps should I take before ending a relationship with a woman I am engaged to/cohabitating with?
Author bumpiesttoad
Upvotes 29
Comments 42
Date 01 February 2020 12:41 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/318979
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/ewy0vd/what_steps_should_i_take_before_ending_a/
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[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"51 points52 points  (2 children) | Copy

At least you're butching up now. Better late than never.

Stop the belly-aching and start with a few positive affirmations.

  • Don't worry about her financial future or her parents. You're not a fucking bank.
  • Take her off the credit card.
  • Cancel all of the wedding shit - maybe you can work out arrangements this far in advance. Maybe not. It doesn't matter.

You don't need much in the way of "logistical answers," you already know the right answer: You're not married yet.

I suppose you can try to get back every dollar from your poor, poor future non-fiance, but that will just cause more drama. Instead, pat yourself on the back, have a drink, climb a mountain and give yourself some credit. You're making the right decision; a decision many dumb-asses here didn't have the balls to make.

[–]echo97911 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Here here!

OP, have a virtual beer from me. Kid, you're way smarter than I was at your age.

Kudos!

[–]Rogue6848618 points19 points  (2 children) | Copy

I married my college sweetheart and knew it was wrong at the time. 13 years later we divorced and her half was $225,000. Best money I ever spent although should have ended it when I was 25.

Pull the trigger.

[–]Qba1994-2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

Which factors contribute to end of the romance? Since she was your sweetheart at what time something changed and the spark went away?

[–]Rogue684864 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

1) decided she didn't want kids

2) was not stunning attractive

3) wasn't super fun

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

Just own it. That’s all. Do what needs to be done.

You know what you need to do. So get off your dead butt and get it done.

[–]illusiveab8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

/thread

"A man must stand erect, not be kept erect by others." -Aurelius

[–]tom-anonymous8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Like a dog she'll find a new master and forget that you even existed. So don't worry about hurting her feelings. That's temporary. If the roles were reversed (and she thought she could do better) she'd drop you in a heart beat and then rewrite history.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

>>’ll start off with stating I’ve half assed the side bar and only briefly participated in OYS

Well, a nugget of truth from someone new. You may yet be salvageable.

>>>>I found it difficult to stay consistent when I was lying to myself about what my intentions were.

This is because you HAVEN'T read the sidebar and you don't understand one of the cornerstones of MRP; the consistency of applying its tenets apply to EVERY situation as a man. It doesn't matter if you are single, getting married, married, getting divorced, or getting cheated on.

>>I could go into the specifics, but at the end of the day I’m just not excited for marriage, not exactly happy with my relationship, and fucking myself financially.

Excellent. Most men don't figure this out until they are a decade or more in, multiple children, and stand to lose half their shit they have now, as well as another ~30% of everything they get until their youngest child turns 18, or graduates high school, whichever comes second. I lost 22 years and $1,600,000 to two marriages. DON'T DO THAT.

Nobody is here on askMRP because they were so happy and satisfied in their marriages they looked for sources to explain their excitement and bliss in the same. Every motherfucker here is here because he has walked through the fire or is walking through it now. I still have a blister or two from my walk, but I have been here for a few years and it gets better every fucking day because I will it to be so. When you read some random comment to you, without context, but hits home for you, think about what that motherfucker has already gone through to be able to say the shit he did.

>>I’m in no place to lead myself through life, much less another human.

Ironically, you'd know this if you HAD read the sidebar, specifically, The Rational Male where he talks about not getting married until you are in your mid-thirties, and not living with a woman until then. Women can't fully control you until you agree to guard the entrance to their cave.

>>I did not propose for the right reasons.

There is only one reason to get married, to have children. There is only one reason to have children, to have the expectation of having someone there to take care of you in your old age with love and loyalty and who will carry out your wishes.

And don't give me any of that fucking bullshit about your legacy. If your last name isn't Vanderbilt or Rockefeller, you don't have a fucking legacy. Right this second, how many of your 8 Great-grandparents can you name without looking; BOOM! the memory of you forgotten in 3 generations. And your genetic material diluted to ~12% in the same amount of time.

Raise your children well. Teach them to be the caretakers of you and their future fortune. I am only 58 and I am already benefitting from this dynamic, and no, they are not waiting for the chance to push me down the stairs.

>>I’m 27, she’s 26, we’ve been together since highschool, engaged for nearly 1 year, 7 mos to the wedding.

I can hear the impending weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth from here. She is going to moan and cry and pitch a fit over the time she has invested in you, the time she wasted. Tell her if none of it was good and she got nothing out of her time with you all along the way, it's best you part now, anyway

>>What do I need to consider before moving forward on this? We share an apartment with 6 months left on the lease. She’s on my credit card. We have 2 cats, I would only want 0 or 1 of them.

Money is the only consideration. She will start with the emotion, the hurt, the pain, the embarrassment of it all. She will try to control you with her most powerful weapon: emotion. When she sees this doesn't work, she will switch to talking to you directly, pragmatically, and this is when some threats will come through. You are threatening her security, and maybe her very plan to use you, marry you, drain your resources, and then with the help of the state after a couple of kids, fuck you over while fucking other men. This isn't always a conscious thought, but it is the way she has been raised and the message she has gotten from society for the last 21 year. Getting the unicorn from college doesn't guarantee shit. Look at u/Diesel_Dragon 's last post. You aren't guaranteed shit. Ever.

You need to consider doing these things..

Take her off ALL your accounts and cards.

Find another place to live, right now, even if it means couch surfing. Put some shit in storage. The costs incurred here will be nothing compared to defending yourself in court to a false rape or false assault charge after you "ruin her life." Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Know that saying in the abstract, don't learn it for yourself.

Go the lease office and find out any options to getting out of the lease, as long as it costs you less than paying the full amount of the remaining lease. You are just trying to save some money. Google "renters rights" in your state and educate yourself before you walk into the office. Of course they are going to tell you the entire amount is due. They will lie to you. Unbelievable, I know, but I heard of it happening once, about 13 years ago, in another country. Don't let it happen to you.

Cancel all venues, contracts, and close all marriage related accounts. You'll lose money, but NOTHING compared to what you will lose in a divorce. Read all the contracts and cancellation clauses in advance. KNOW what you are doing. At the end of the day, this is ALL ABOUT THE MONEY. After your EX-fiance processes all of her emotions about this, she will tell you in her own, unique way that your decision is ALL ABOUT THE MONEY. Specifically, HER perception of YOUR money being OURS.

Ideally, the above should completed in 3-4 days, including moving out. Plan it, take a couple of days off work, and execute with extreme prejudice. Trust me, if you operate from a position of weakness or guilt, you will get FUCKED without the benefit of getting laid. The doctor my wife left me for is paying $12,000 a month in child support and alimony, GAVE the $500,000 house to his ex-wife, and gives her extra cash on the side. My ex-wife is so disgusted with him that she has even tried to get back together with me twice, and is a great FWB as a result.

Let her keep the cats. No ongoing, lingering, emotional ties.

>>She’s in grad school living off of loans and my assistance.

Covert contract. This act will not buy you loyalty or respect, and from a sex perspective, you'd get a higher ROI from hookers and sugar-babies. You fucking cuck; NEVER do this shit again.

>>Her parents are broke and she will be a little more than screwed financially for a while, plus they aren’t close to the school so she wouldn’t be able to stay with them.

She won't be getting screwed long. She will be getting fucked sooner than you think. Because of evolutionary psychology and (gasp) another term from the sidebar, "war-bride syndrome", she will replace you in her mind and vagina as quickly as she wants to. Don't worry about her. She will fuck someone else for their resources just as easily as she fucked you for yours.

>>I still care about her, a lot, which is largely what’s made this so difficult to decide on. That and my track record of indecision.

Of course you care about her, she's fucking you. Will she continue to fuck you when you are no longer paying her to do so? Your decision is simple, not easy. Easy is not simple. The best/right decisions in life are simple, and hard.

>>There’s going to be significant fallout with friends and family, but that’s just part of it.

So fucking what? They don't have to live your life. Are they going to help you pay for your divorce in 10 years?

>>Go ahead and call me out on my shit, but I’m really looking for some logistical answers here from guys who have done this or gone through a divorce.

This will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done in your entire life. If you will learn from it, read the sidebar, and become a better man, it WILL be the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life. Bonus, after this, you're going to have a good life, if you let yourself.

Remember, the best answers in life are simple, not easy.

You can stay on the easy path now, which ends in an unmitigated disaster in less than 10 years and is far harder to fix than it is right now,

OR...

You can man the fuck up and,

GET TO FUCKING WORK.

[–]threekindsoflucky1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've missed these responses. Welcome back.

[–]77mrpB2A4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

Consult an attorney. Depending on where you live, how long you’ve been living together, and the extent to which you’ve been supporting her, there may still be financial exposure even if you’re not married. Hell hath no fury...

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I’m pretty sure we have to publicly state we are married for anything like common law, but I’ll look out for this.

[–]z9608490 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Nope. She will just need to prove that you shared the same residence over a period of time.

[–]teaandtalk1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

There are many places that this it not true.

[–]testy680 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

And places where this is true, hence the advice to consult an attorney.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Proud of you son. You’re handling shit that would fuck you over 1000% higher if you waited.

1- own it. Tell her the whole truth. Don’t worry about her feelings or future. She’s a big girl. “I don’t want to get married” she’s gonna hate you for a bit but she’ll come around.

2- cancel everything. Fight for refunds but expect you won’t get them. With seven months to go you should recover at least 70% or more.

3- family will talk at first, then agree, then they will forget about it and move on.

[–]Blueorb1232 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’re asking about what steps to take before ending this relationship, but I don’t think that is really what you’re asking. As a per a previous comment, you all ready know what to do. The steps you need to take are straight forward, but not easy. I do get a sense that you are looking for justification for your actions however. I suspect you are feeling a heavy burden of responsibility for this women, particularly regarding her financial situation and her feelings in general. This is obviously going to leave you feeling somewhat guilty or responsible for her situation. There is also likely some fear regarding the fall out of the separation, namely how family and friends will judge you, people thinking you’re an asshole etc. I think that your post here is therefore about reassurance that leaving this woman is the right (and proper) thing to do. Well, as others have said, it takes a lot of courage to end things prior to a wedding, but given your feelings, it seems to be the most sensible option, regardless of the fall out from your actions. Let me tell you this, if the situation was the other way around, your woman would drop you like a hot potato and would have absolutely no conscience in leaving you in a mess. As already stated, you are not responsible for this woman. You owe her nothing. If the wedding plays out as planned, I am confident things will become a whole lot more miserable and complicated. Do the right thing. Call the wedding off, leave this woman and start to invest time in yourself. Get yourself some MRP reading material (see side bar) and be disciplined in taking the pill! That indecision needs to be worked on as a priority! Good luck man.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your concerns are misplaced.

You are worried about your fiancee, family, service people (photographer, dressmaker, etc.)

The reason you are in the spot you are in is you have been looking out for everyone else's needs and ignoring your own. Now is the time to change that.

The ONLY person you should be focused on now is yourself.

As you negotiate to get refunds, cancel dates, separate finances ... all of it ... ask yourself "Does the serve me?" "Does this add value to my life?" If the answer is anything other than "Hell, yes!" Cut it off and walk away.

Grab the reigns to your life. Advocate on your own behalf. No-one else will.

Also, Lift, STFU, Sidebar (start with No More Mister Nice Guy. Actually do the exercises).

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don’t understand what you want here. You know what needs to be done, so just do it.

[–]AlohaMaui8086 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

He wants to be absolved of the Nice Guy guilt feelings and the responsibility of making the choice.

"Those internet bros told me to do it! It's not my fault!"

[–]RP_PO1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Postpone the wedding indefinitely, and pass all the shit tests that follow. Use her as a sparring partner to become who you need to be. I’m only 10% joking. Do this with the mindset that she will hysterically bond, etc, so her behavior will only be marginally realistic, and in the end you will likely end it.

Or just end it if your moral compass cabs stomach that.

And read the fucking entire side bar and internalize it.

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not doubting that is an option, but going to take a hard pass. My moral compass is spinning but I’m going to take a direction other than south.

[–]aita28990 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It’s a weird feeling knowing how women think. After plates telling me they love me, I wish I knew now what I didn’t 17 years ago.

Good for you !

[–]JoeBuckYourslf0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You aren’t even fucking married yet. I don’t understand what’s so hard here.

You know what needs to be done.

Be thankful you discovered MRP, walk away and be glad you dodged this bullet.

[–]part_wolf0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The only thing you need to do before pulling the plug is to commit to yourself unequivocally that you won’t compromise or go back on the plan.

[–]adeptintact0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I got married in my mid twenties for the wrong reasons. After a child and 10 years later, I got divorced. At the time I married, I felt in my gut it wasn't the right move but did it anyway. I'm now in my late 30s and engaged to a younger girl that in my gut I know feels right. However, with my new red pill lens, I'm taking it a day at a time as I know anything can happen.

My advice is to listen to your gut and break up before the marriage. Don't worry about what your family or her family will think as that will all pass. It is infinitely better to leave now when there are no kids involved. Once you have a kid, she would be a part of your life in some fashion until the kid is 18.

Also, go read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi. It will put things into perspective for you.

[–]WesternhagenWinner0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It is possible you have never been dumped. It is a valuable experience, because it teaches you that there is nothing so cold, calculating, and utterly ruthless as a woman who decides she is done with you. Many years ago, I was dumped by my high school sweetheart. We were not as far down the road as you, but we had agreed to get married. Want to know how she broke up with me? One week, everything was lovey-dovey, the next week, she moved to another state and sent me a letter with no return address. (And no, I don't blame her at all, I was a weak-ass beta faggot and she had much better options.)

The point is: that's how you have to be. Unemotional, do exactly what is in your best interests without regard for her. Don't imagine she'd show you any mercy if she decided she needed to eject.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"Fallout with friends and family"???? Faggot! This isn't a competition for Prom King, or Most Dreamy Senior, dipshit!

Just remind yourself how much YOU would give a shit if friends and family members broke up with a fiancee of theirs.

[–]tap0988534-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

By backing out of the wedding and dropping her off a financial cliff, you are a grade A asshole, but that is trillion times better than the monstrous evil of tying down a girl you're not into for decades of matrimonial pain and misery. So wear your scarlet asshole with pride, because you could have let yourself do something truly heinous and horrible, just because it was easier, felt nicer, and came with social approval and validation. You're not just dodging a bullet, you're saving her from one.

[–]Brickles09-15 points-14 points  (13 children) | Copy

If her N-count is 1 and you are the 1, you're doing a big mistake. A girl with such N-count IS a unicorn.

This kind of connection with a woman you have deflowered you probably won't ever find again in your life.

Unless you want the redpilled lifestyle, spinning plates and pretending that hook ups are fulfilling, marry her.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"9 points10 points  (5 children) | Copy

You're a fucking weirdo loser and I can understand why OP doubted the veracity of your faggot reply.

Based on your post history, though, you actually believe this nonsense.

You are a weak, outrageously insecure loser, as the comment here and this comment prior attest:

N-count = 10? Would you really want a wife with such past? Let me guess: she has tattoos too? Just the tought of your girl going to bed with those other guys will eventually destroy your marriage, especially when she says that she has a headache when you initatiate. You can get a woman better than that, I'm sure. Good luck.

This is what lame-ass, weak, pathetic assholes running around the desert, incapable of touching a woman, yet dreaming of their vestal virgins in the afterlife, think.

Faggot.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy

[deleted]

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Key-word is not "alpha widow."

Instead, keyphrase is "you are weak and insecure."

Why are you obsessed with a potential partner's prior history, especially considering you're expecting a history of 0?

You sound weak and insecure, like a little boy torn from his mother's suckling bosom.

Women who've sucked another dick are "alpha widows?"

You're really looking for virgins?

You're sick.

[–]Brickles09-3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Ok, zoomer.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Banned.

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

This is the case, I can’t tell if you’re joking though. I realize I’ll never have this level of trust again and probably won’t genuinely consider future women I’m with great friends, but with the current situation I simply can not screw my head on straight. Idk about unicorn, but yes this is a rare relationship that would be impossible to recreate.

[–]NoCoast820 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

yes this is a rare relationship that would be impossible to recreate.

Your admittedly a hot mess of a man, and this woman is willing to marry that hot mess. What does that say about her?

And what does that say about the quality of life (and women) you could have if you get your head screwed on straight?

Almost sounds like you are calling off the wedding because you feel you aren't good enough for this unicorn.

[–]Brickles09-2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your admittedly a hot mess of a man, and this woman is willing to marry that hot mess. What does that say about her?

That she's a good woman, not an alpha widow itching for better cock. Rare things these days...

[–]NoCoast820 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She wants to marry a loser, and has no experience in the bedroom... she may be rare but doesn't sound like a good woman or much fun

[–]Tyred_Biggums0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Who cares if she’s just fucked you or the whole football team. That doesn’t factor into this.

Rare relationship my ass. Go and date and fuck other women. JFC I’ve made your mistake. Don’t be me.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fucking incels.

[–]obi-xander-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

You sir, are a fucking retard. Good day.



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