Stats: Age 37, 5’9”, 187#, 19.5% BF, 40.9% LBM. Married to wife (36) for 11 years, together 18, one child (11).

Lifts are @ week 2 of SL 5x5 and still very easy. Squat 70#, BP 55#, BR 75#, OHP 55#, DL 115#. BP is the only lift I’ve pushed outside of the program - 125# 1RM, 5x5x115#.

Read: NMMNG, MMSLP

Reading: MAP, Bigger Leaner Stronger, WISNIFG (hold), TRM (hold)

Bad sex last night made me question everything I’m doing. I told her (at work) earlier in the day how hard I’d gotten thinking about her (truth), and then the evening was kind of shit as far as connecting goes. I’d have been fine going without, but she insisted. The sex felt really inauthentic, disconnected, and I wasn’t able to finish. I gave up. My wife asked if she had done anything that turned me off, and at the moment I didn’t know what happened, I was just frustrated. I wanted to quickly move on, so I blamed it on the room being hot (it was), and we moved on to cuddling and sleep.

As I was falling asleep, my mind was drifting, and I started to see my behavior in the third-person, with the profound kind of visibility a mushroom trip gives. I started to feel like a dancing monkey, and that my wife is throwing me cookies to keep it going. I started to question the authenticity of all of the affection and sex I’ve been receiving. A lot of it has been really good (as noted in my last OYS), so I could have just been tired, frustrated, and self-loathing. I got shit for sleep, woke up at 3:30am today.

I meditated earlier, and the thoughts that entered my head were mainly around trying to secure a job, and questioning what I really want out of life. I still really don’t know. The big efforts I take on seem to be in an effort to feed my ego. Lifting weights, having a high paying job, having lots of sex, big house. The level of effort I put into these things feels like a covert contract expecting to be desired, approved of, loved. Then I start achieving things and feeling like I don’t deserve them, or feel unfulfilled.

After meditating, I journaled the events of prior days in an effort to get some insight into why I’m feeling lost. I have been frustrated by my wife’s behavior: late-to-the-game-party-girl persona, social media obsession/validation seeking, lack of contribution at home, and seemingly superficial interest in me.

I stopped beating myself up so hard after realizing that she could also be getting bad sex pointers from her girlfriends, who she likes to talk about our sex with. If so, I’m fucking them by proxy and it will feel inauthentic. That realization also means that my wife is fucking all of you by proxy - gross ;)

I need to reflect harder on what I want my life to look like if I hope to feel congruent. I’m leading somewhat blindly right now, but I am leading, which is a big change from a few months ago. Maybe the work is paying off, and I’m too autistic to fully appreciate the rewards.

I was able to dig up Good sex requires Emotion, and The “Dancing Monkey” Attraction Improvement Programme, which helped me gain some perspective.

It’s early days for me, so help me find my blind spots. I don’t think what I’m going through mentally is unique to me, especially at this early stage.