How do you deal with shame of being a pick me in the past

Pasdepromesses · 2020-08-11T13:18:30+00:00

People who genuinely care about you will remember but won’t judge. They will be happy and relieved you are levelling up.

People who try to shame you or emotionally blackmail you with this knowledge don’t care for you at all. Get rid of them ASAP.

Edit: and for ourselves. We are awfully critical of ourselves most of the time and really perfectionistic. We all live and learn. Be kind to yourself.

MalloryDame · 2020-08-11T13:19:46+00:00

I see it as me growing up and changing and being a human being who made/is going to make mistakes. Always. They don't define who I am and I'm the person I am today because I learned from those mistakes.

I don't know if that works for everyone but that's what helped me move on from being an idiotic pick me (I'm still learning though, it's not an overnight thing). Just be sure to be kind to yourself and take it easy. Forgive your past self, let go of those who wronged you. You'll be fine 🙂

hairwashernova · 2020-08-11T14:14:44+00:00

I was a pick me with my first ex-boyfriend (whom I dated this year) and for my rebound second ex-boyfriend (whom I also dated this year). I was a pick me for all the men I thought found me desirable and "girlfriend" material but in fact only wanted to use my body for their spank bank. All from this year only. So, the shame is still there along with dealing with the aftermath.

Everyone told me I needed to get over my first (emotional abusive) relationship and the way I was feeling. They said go pick up a hobby and move the fuck on ASAP. So I did. I started gardening, hiking and exploring more (within Covid limits), telling myself I was over him and I didn't need time to process anything because I was a strong woman who didn't dwell in misery. I forced myself to believe this and even my ex-therapist remarked at how fast I moved on. However, it was all a facade and I still spiraled out of control within a few months after the break-up.

I was talking to one of my friend about my past experiences and she started laughing and going on about how she can't believe I fell for such losers and that I got my heart broken by those men when she thought I was smarter than that. She told me to "get over them" because everything I was doing was my fault and I didn't need to be sad. And girl, I got angry. I had confided in her (something I never do because it's hard for me) and it felt like all she did was judged me for my past. But when it was the other way around, when she was telling me about her problems with her boyfriend, I had been always supportive.

It was then that it finally clicked in my head that I didn't need her to understand me. That's not why I was telling her about my life. I just needed someone to support me as I figured out my own shit and go on my way to heal. Someone to tell me that my feelings during those relationships and regressions were valid and yes, while those guys were losers, something in me had been attracted to them at the time because I was missing something in my life.

Yes, I am a strong and smart woman but I still fell for the wrong men anyways.

It took many more months and a lot of more painful lessons for me personally to acknowledge that my feelings regarding everything in my past were valid.

That it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be heartbroken. It's okay to feel lonely. It's okay to be ashamed. It's okay to be confused. It's okay to be embarrassed. It's okay to feel lost. It's okay to feel desperate. It's okay to fail. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel isolated. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. It's okay to feel breathless at the thought of your past. It's okay to look at the person you used to be and feel pity for them. It's okay to admit that you did things you're not proud of. It's okay to remember only the good times on occasions. It's okay to miss someone who was bad for you. It's okay to let go of people who no longer want you or is able to grow with you. It's okay to not explain yourself. It's okay to forgive yourself. It's okay to love who you are, mistakes and all. It's okay. The only person who needs to accept me or understand me is...me.

I learned to be kinder to myself. I learned to love myself for my "flaws" and imperfections. I learned that sticking to a resolution is hard as fuck and that I'm going to slip many times but the best thing I can do for myself is get up and try again. I learned that not everyone is going to see you for your best self and that's alright. I learned that the loudest statement I can give someone is a block and that I don't always need to explain my side or why what they did wasn't appropriate. I learned that if people can't get over your past then it's their decision and maybe it'll be better if they are left in the past too. I learned that you can't erased what you've done but you can become more vigilant in the future.

I learned I don't always need to come up with excuses for what I felt because those were my emotions and they are important to embrace. I learned that I open up too easily with others/men because I want to feel wanted and loved but in the future I need to be more cautious in vetting them and that is perfectly within my rights. I learned that I don't need to please anyone or go out of my way to make them feel safe or comfortable to be in my life. I learned to take silence and no responses as a "no" and a closure. I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was and no one can take that away from me. I learned that sometimes, the only thing we can do to improve is to keep moving forward while feeling what we feel. I learned that it's alright to be proud of myself and how far I've come. I learned that my boundaries and standards are important and they should never be crossed by anyone and the moment they are is the moment I need to walk away.

Most importantly, I learned that the shame we feel are our own and no one needs to know about them or have an opinion on them. I don't have to keep talking about the shame in a dark light but instead, embrace the shame and use it as the foundation to level up and learn from my past. At least, that's what I'm doing now and so far, I know I'm growing back the backbone, respect, dignity and love I had lost for myself.

Good luck and I hope you the very best 😊

VelvetKnuckleduster · 2020-08-11T13:49:33+00:00

What you do is you learn from it. You look at your own behaviours that didn't serve you well and resolve not to repeat them because you don't want to be in that position again. You recognise patterns from others early on and be unapologetic about refusing to tolerate them this time. You feel good about the progress you've made rather than being sad about who you were. We've all learned hard lessons and done things we're not proud of.

You are not other people's opinions of you. You know you've changed, and eventually that'll be enough.

2020-08-11T14:53:02+00:00

[deleted]

onemoredaydream · 2020-08-11T17:03:58+00:00

I've dealt with this; because I had a lot of shame over bad decisions I'd made in the past.

You have to do an inventory and see what behaviors you're still doing that are leftover from that mindset.

You also have a to embrace that you made mistakes in the past.

Your strength in your new convictions will be stronger, the more you can chart the evolution of your attitudes and ideals. Your experiences are what provide you with the conviction that you are now making better decisions for yourself.

You can't erase your history, but you do have to learn that it happened to a different version of you. You will not be able to change that it happened, but you can change how you frame that to yourself and what that history inspires in you now.

KetoKittenAround · 2020-08-11T17:49:14+00:00

It’s tough. I am VERY embarrassed about it. It’s hard sometimes to even share it here but I think if my past cringe inducing behavior can get just one woman to avoid my mistakes then it’s worth it.

Over time I’ve learned for the most part to deal with it and to harness it the best I can. We are for the large part conditioned to take scraps and I have to be thankful that it will never be me again.

It will never be you again either.

Give the past you a break because she really deserves it. Her only mistake was not seeing her own real worth.

sarahbae03 · 2020-08-11T20:28:51+00:00

Self compassion. If you can be understanding about your past, honest and patient you will make it. You will find things in your life that you realise make you happy, show your strengths and wisdom and allow you to shine. You will keep leveling up little by little, therapy perhaps or private self improvement along with hobbies.

One day you will realise you've been offered a chance to disrespect yourself like you would have before and without thinking you chose you. You will smile and walk away with a spring in your step and know you are not a pickme anymore and never will be again.

blackcherry333 · 2020-08-12T00:52:25+00:00

To put it succinctly, there's a quote I saw while watching intervention by Maria Robinson. It's "nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending". You can't change the past, but you can be anything you want to be starting right now. So be it. Once you reconcile that you've made mistakes, you're human, and you're working on bettering yourself then you can really grow.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-08-11T16:14:08+00:00

I would do my best not to think about it. Interrupt the thoughts when they come. You don't gain anything by feeling bad about stuff in the past. You've moved on and you won't be doing that anymore. You're stronger.

That's what I try to do. I also forgive myself in the moment.

LadyGrimes · 2020-08-11T17:08:12+00:00

You just accept that it happened to you but now you're much stronger and wiser. The truth is nobody is ever prepared for their first relationship and we don't know how we're going to act when times get tough so-to-speak. Needless to say a lot of us act stupidly.

I too cringe over how I used to be but at the same time I'm thankful that I am no longer that person.

sadcello · 2020-08-11T17:29:28+00:00

You were brainwashed, it was not your fault but men and society and other pickmes. Either turn the shame to anger and hate that fuel your self improvement and success. Or forgive yourself by promising it'll never happen again and keep working to improve and learn. The former works wonderfully for me but some girls may work best with the latter.

Milobear27 · 2020-08-11T14:29:23+00:00

First off don’t accept bad behavior ever again.

Great podcast I heard about it here

jeanneeebeanneee · 2020-08-11T16:32:53+00:00

The mistakes we made in the past are teaching and learning experiences. Looking back at your mistakes with regret and shame accomplishes nothing. Your mistakes were only a cause for shame if you learned nothing from them and keep repeating them. Onward and upward.

bunnyQatar · 2020-08-11T17:12:04+00:00

If you can look back at your past self and cringe, you’re growing as a person. Isn’t that the point of it all?

midge_rat · 2020-08-11T17:34:52+00:00

I have no shame. It’s all part of who I am now. I had a lot of fun in my pick-me days, ngl. The caveat being I ended up marrying an absolute shit-head who stole my youth. But I’m not ashamed. I’ve grown, I’ve learned. Honestly, I needed to hit my 30s for my self-esteem to fully blossom.

meanemad · 2020-08-13T22:12:11+00:00

the people who knows you, if they really care about you and are good persons, they will not talk about it, they will be repectful. The ones who talk about it, embarrass you, they are using it for putting you down, toxic friends, you have to avoid those persons in your life. Great if they show their true colors, just answer them sharp and delete that person from your life.

Title	How do you deal with shame of being a pick me in the past
Author	ismysecretaccount
Upvotes	79
Comments	26
Date	August 11, 2020 1:08 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i7ri8j/how_do_you_deal_with_shame_of_being_a_pick_me_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-deal-with-shame-of-being-a-pick-me-in.66845 https://theredarchive.com/post/66845

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