How to tell you're being fetishized for your race?

NewGirl_WhoDis · 2020-06-06T22:04:38+00:00

It'd take a couple of interactions for you to know... if he refers to your race in conversations viz "Hey, Nubian queen" or "I love a feisty Latina"( you get the drift), yeah it's possible you are being fetishized.

He should talk to you as normal without necessarily making any reference to your race or bringing up stereotypes regarding your race or even telling you he has a preference for women of your race.

Sea_Soil · 2020-06-06T22:11:07+00:00

This is a hard one. I'm a WOC but I'm mixed and I find that I get fetishized by both races, albeit in different ways.

I guess all I can say is that there are some red flags. One of the biggest red flags for me is if he only dates women of my ethnicity. Like, if all of his ex's look exactly like me... That's weird. But then if you are the ONLY woc they've dated and they make comments like "I've never been with a woc before...I've always wondered what it's like..." that's also a red flag.

If they are interested in race play or any kink that involves your ethnicity that's an obvious one.

If they seem obsessed with your culture, and act like they know more about it than you do, they probably fetishize you.

If they compare you to any kind of food (chocolate, caramel, etc.) that's a red flag and it's objectifying. Avoid men who call you "exotic".

As a mixed woman, I literally have men approach me and the first thing they say is, "What you mixed with?" and it's horrid. "What are you?" Is also a red flag.

You could ask them, "Hey, what made you want to ask me out?" Or "What do you like about me?" and if he says your race or your skin color, he's probably fetishizing you.

mightbethrowawayyy · 2020-06-06T22:10:03+00:00

If all his exes are your race then he 100% has a fetish. Or that he says he’s ultra interested in your “culture” (I’m not talking about those who have a PhD in cultural studies. I’m talking about those who don’t know shit and only talking about it hoping to get your interest. It’s so insulting). Or that he talks about races all the time. Or he says nasty things about your skin color (e.g. “chocolate”).

Last but not least, if you feel something is off, trust your instincts.

haveanicedaytoo · 2020-06-06T22:56:00+00:00

Reddithateswomen

Nightingale1820 · 2020-06-06T22:17:39+00:00

One of my husband’s coworkers (white man) does this with Chinese women and it’s super cringy and obvious.

Question for OP - what problems have you had with fetishists in the past? Were they super embarrassing about talking about racial stereotypes, or were they just attracted to your physical type and you saw that as a red flag?

Leilani29 · 2020-06-06T23:16:11+00:00

Pretty sure someone has already mentioned this, but some will use "terms of endearment" that involve your race very often...like "My gorgeous chocolate princess" and weird shit like that

...or they'll mention being fascinated with interracial porn and how they love the "skin contrast" 🤣 Just pay attention to what the person says...if they seem strangely fascinated with your race, just walk away.

ireadlotsoffic · 2020-06-06T23:22:05+00:00

I lose interest whenever they mention loving mexican food or that I must be a great cook.

Byee

whatisfunemployment · 2020-06-06T22:11:05+00:00

If he goes out of his way to bring up things about your race, ethnicity, native culture that is disproportionate to how often you choose to bring it up, I’d consider it a red flag.

I don’t really identify with or talk about my native culture because I grew up very removed from it. So if a guy tried to introduce the standards and customs of that culture into our conversations... run.🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏼

The category to be most cautious of is “white guy who constantly hates on other white people, but doesn’t actually do anything anti-racist”.

I just automatically avoid people who studied certain languages and subjects in college, a guy who minored in Arabic or Asian Studies is usually a twat TBH.

AppropriateHoney6 · 2020-06-07T04:06:14+00:00

How you can tell:

-Guy makes jokes about your culture

-he says “oh you’re _?! I have a friend who is __, you should meet them!”

-He seems way too enthusiastic about your culture: he loves the food, he loves the music, he has friends from there, he has always wanted to go. You catch the drift

-He admits that he dated people with your background and he knows all about them

-Asks too many questions about whether or not the negative stereotypes of the culture are true

-His tone is just condescending

luna_prismatic · 2020-06-07T03:16:08+00:00

I think what the women here have already commented pretty much nailed it down 🙌🏼 The only thing I’d add to this list is to keep an eye on the type of women within your race he looks at/prefers/has dated/likes on ig etc. No race is a monolith in terms of outward physical features. For example, not all Asian women look the same, even within the same country. By that, I mean a Korean woman is likely going to have different features from a Thai woman, and even within Korea and Thailand, there’s lots of variance in how people look. If the guy drops indications that he prefers someone of a certain race, look at who within that race he’s drawn to or even acknowledges. Does he claim to like Asian women yet ONLY likes pale skinned super thin Asians who look like K pop stars? Does his appreciation of Black women ONLY extend to Black women with big curves and snatched waistlines and light skin? Etc etc. Appreciating a different culture is one thing. But systematically and deliberately taking a myopic viewpoint into a race he doesn’t belong to is a glaring sign that he is, in fact, a racist, and should therefore be yeeted immediately.

PengBa · 2020-06-07T06:20:27+00:00

Huge red flag is if he bashes a certain trait he believes is inherent in white women and then glorifies your race for not having that trait. One huge massive red flag I willingly ignored is when my ex told me he doesnt date white women because they're "too materialistic". I should've interpreted it as him meaning that he's going out with woc because he perceives them to be "low maintenance", aka "cheaper" and less effort to date. Instead I was a pickmeisha and forced myself to think that being "low maintenance" is a positive thing and that I'm being "cool". It disgusts me now that I was complicit in degrading my own race.

--qtbunny-- · 2020-06-07T09:28:44+00:00

I'm WOC, and I've dealt with a LOT of guys who had the case of yellow fever (e.g exclusively is only into East Asian girls). In my case, it was easily to tell a guy had yellow fever if he showed a huge interest in a certain culture (Japanese, Korean, etc.), and/or was a diehard anime fan, and/or knows how to speak a certain culture/your culture's language.

I'd also do a quick google search, if he goes by a certain username/alias. I did this on a guy and found out that he hated his own race and wanted to be East Asian (insecurity, much?).

Also, if you have him on FB, or insta, check the kind of people he hangs around with. Is it people of diverse races? Or all they all people of a certain culture? What kind of friends does he have? What kind of girls does his friends date? The kinds of friends that he hangs out with will also indicate what kind of person he is.

gcthrowaway2019 · 2020-06-07T01:23:27+00:00

[deleted]

girludontbringhome · 2020-06-07T02:32:09+00:00

Basically if he talks about your race a lot is a good indicator. For example, I started talking to this guy and he texted me asking what my ethnicity was (my name is ambiguous) and I answered telling him. He responds “I love (my ethnicity) girls😍there were a lot where I went to school” I couldn’t go further with him lol after that comment. Also if there exes are all of the same race/ethnicity that’s a bad sign.

elementalvirago · 2020-06-06T23:10:26+00:00

I am not a WOC but can we make the distinction between fetish and preference? I don’t think it’s weird or abnormal to have a preference for certain types of people. When I think of a fetish I associate that with an abnormal oversexualization of something or someone.

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