Likely going through a breakup with boyfriend of seven years. Need support.

flower_vs_mower · 2021-02-20T18:11:14+00:00

[deleted]

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-02-20T17:51:08+00:00

First of all, please don't buy the house unless you're married. You aren't even engaged yet.

janetheautomaton · 2021-02-20T18:28:52+00:00

I'm going off of limited information here, but judging by your post and your comment it sounds like you're stress spiraling. So when you say you're breaking up, how much of that is what's actually happening? Is it possible that you might be catastrophizing a little? Have the words "I'm breaking up with you" actually come out of anyone's mouth?

Big fights are a part of life and most relationships. Good on you for being willing to recognize and own your part in this one, and therapy should really help. Being HV doesn't mean never getting into fights, it means being able to have disagreements and conflict in a mature, empathetic, problem-solving manner. I suggest you bring up conflict resolution with your therapist while you're there.

I realize you must be in a lot of pain, and I'm sorry things are so tough right now. Just try to bear this in mind: If one fight, however bitter, is enough to push a man away and cause him to reconsider a relationship of seven years, it's better to know that now, before you do something like buy a house together or get married.

2021-02-20T19:11:44+00:00

[deleted]

alwaysonalongtrip · 2021-02-20T17:35:46+00:00

This seems like the end but when you look back at your life it will be the beginning and you will wonder what took you so long.

singing_stream · 2021-02-20T17:21:21+00:00

I'm really sorry, it hurts like hell right now for you.

Was the argument really your fault though, or were you asking for reasonable things that show care and respect towards you?

If it is genuinely your fault, all i can suggest is asking him if he'd be willing to sit and talk about things and how to move past this.

nyclaurco · 2021-02-20T18:52:38+00:00

this is a blessing in disguise. your life would be 2x more in shambles if you were having these fights AFTER moving into a house with someone who you’re not married to. there was a post here explaining why to never buy a home with a boyfriend or even fiancé. it was very eye opening. i can’t find it, but it was like 1-2 weeks ago.

Lavender_flow · 2021-02-20T22:39:19+00:00

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN.

Listen to your body. It is screaming at you in the comments you made and going NO NO NO dont, listen to it or trust me you will deeply regret it in the future. A LOT of women has done that exact thing you are doing. It is a mistake. Why are you all "this is all my fault?" regardless of the situation, it takes two to tango and you taking sole responsibility is a HUGE RED FLAG of your relationship. Even from these short paragraphs, your relationships sounds really unhealthy. You need to break up. Stop flip flopping, clean break and move forward.

candyfox84 · 2021-02-20T18:38:21+00:00

I am so sorry 💕you’re not alone. It’s ok to have huge doubts, even when things seem like they should be this way or that way. You are on your own journey, and whatever happens you will grow from this and be stronger because of it. No one has a perfect life without hiccups, it’s not your fault. Just put your own well-being first right now. One day at at a time.

Important_Page_6846 · 2021-02-20T23:53:55+00:00

Nobody is perfect, if he keeps putting the blame on you and you’re always the problem in the relationship it just could mean he wants to deflect all responsibility onto you to make you feel guilty and keep fighting for the relationship. Common narc tactic, if you’re dealing with all this I highly suggest just looking after yourself and you may not be ready for a relationship. I also wanted to add that he may come back for validation and because he is shocked you’re still not chasing after him. If his arguments are typically spun to show you caused everything that’s a huge red flag.

daisy_0720 · 2021-02-21T08:54:20+00:00

The fact that you are so quick to blame yourself and label yourself as the 'problem' in the relationship is very concerning. From the way you write, this seems to be an established pattern of behavior where whenever there is a fight or a disagreement that it is entirely your fault and you need to grovel and promise to be better next time because you're terrified of him leaving if you don't. This is not normal or healthy behavior in a relationship.

Who is this man? Is he God? Does he never make mistakes? Is he the authority on relationships? Who is he to dictate that he knows you and your feelings better than you know yourself? I notice in your posts that you never mention him apologizing or taking accountability for his behavior. He's chastising you like you're a troublesome child, not communicating with you as a equal partner whom he respects and values.

No wonder your body is going crazy with stress. Your intuition is screaming at you that something is not right here. Healthy relationships do not feel this way. Even in times of extreme external stress, your partner is supposed to be your anchor, your safe harbor. Instead, it seems that all your insecurity and anxiety is coming from him.

There is a serious imbalance in your relationship. That fact that he's threatened to leave is highly manipulative. A good man would either have walked way if things weren't working or stayed and fought for the relationship. He wouldn't be holding the constant threat of you leaving over your head and using it as a tool to silence and force you into groveling at his feet. Of course you're on edge. You're living in a state of constantly walking on eggshells, terrified of 'acting up' in case this man leaves you. This isn't love. It is codependency.

I guarantee if you end things with this man, within a few months, you will start to see how unhealthy this relationship is and the rose-colored glasses you see this man through will start to come off. I also suspect that your body's stress reactions will all but disappear once this man is out of your life. But for the love of God, do not buy a house with him because believe me, it will not get better.

Struggleis4real · 2021-02-20T23:51:22+00:00

I am so sorry you’re going through this very difficult time. It’s gonna hurt like hell, but you will be so thankful once this storm passes. This is the start of your grieving phase.

I’ve read a few of your responses...and the way I perceive it is if he (bf) wants X things...then your replies are direct responses about what he wants just masked as your wants. Kind of like a butterfly effect if that makes sense? He seems to be the center of your universe, and when that gets rocky, you start to spiral. And when you constantly take the blame in your relationship, it wears you down tremendously. It can also stem from lack of self-esteem if your world is wrapped around him.

You’re still so young, you have a bright future in front of you, and you’ve been conditioned to be comfortable with this major chunk of your life. It’s scary to let go and trust what the world can bring tomorrow when everything else is crumbling beside you. It can also sound like empty words when we say that this is a blessing in disguise. I know because I went through a five year version of this. My friend went through a 7 year version, and today, she’s currently happily married to someone else, being taken care of, and pregnant with her first. Truly anything is possible. A man that loves you and wants you will go to great lengths to take care of you, cherish you, and keep you. Please take care of yourself, you are your own best friend and #1. And please do not buy a house with a man who treats you like an option. Do not settle. 💐

wvsidnekeslthroway · 2021-02-22T00:44:56+00:00

It doesn’t seem like it now, but based on some of your comments I read, you will see this moment as a great blessing one day.

Title	Likely going through a breakup with boyfriend of seven years. Need support.
Author	lhcm_
Upvotes	148
Comments	31
Date	February 20, 2021 5:13 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lobmui/likely_going_through_a_breakup_with_boyfriend_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/likely-going-through-a-breakup-with-boyfriend-of.743080 https://theredarchive.com/post/743080

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