Anyone else notice when eldest woman in the family passes away the entire family falls apart?

Jinxhourglass · 2021-01-06T21:55:22+00:00

Yes. When my grandma passed away the men in my family all got worse. Only my mom has shown any growth and strength since my grandma passed. You can tell she was the main person holding them together because they outsourced all their mental and emotional labor to her and when she died they didn’t know how to self regulate. I know it isn’t the result of trauma or mourning. It’s purely from lifelong laziness after decades of never having to manage their own emotions or mental health.

ALocusInTheBiosphere · 2021-01-06T21:48:52+00:00

One of the emotional labors pushed on women is the responsibility of maintaining family ties. Ie: remembering birthdays, gift giving, organizing family reunions, holiday get togethers, sending letters, phone calls to family members, checking in. When these women die, rarely do the men step in to do this.

PinkPetalCdistbeauty · 2021-01-06T22:38:20+00:00

[deleted]

vibrantgray · 2021-01-06T22:24:54+00:00

100% When both of my grandmothers passed away (actually when one became ill and had to go into a nursing home) both sides of my family went to shit.

Mcccy · 2021-01-06T23:28:30+00:00

Actually yes..My grandmother passed away last year at 101, I barely see my dad or my uncle ever since..She'd invite them for coffee or for holidays or would make events.

Now my "dad" only comes when he wants money from me, same for my uncle. It's sad really cause I slowly realised they needed another person to remind them "Hey remember you have a wife and 2 kids son?"

aquarieux · 2021-01-07T02:55:05+00:00

I've observed this in many families tbh, and actually discussed this with a friend recently who was lamenting how her family fragmented after the passing of her grandma. When the grandmother dies, everyone in the family starts losing contact with each other, drifts apart, and rarely ever makes an effort to gather everyone in one place. Women are the backbones of families, the literal glue holding entire generations together.

walkswithoutdogs · 2021-01-06T21:48:41+00:00

Absolutely true to my experience, as well. After paternal grandma’s passing, my dad and his four brothers pretty much parted ways. I still keep vaguely in touch with some, but the closeness evaporated nearly overnight. I mourn it often

verysadgirly · 2021-01-06T23:36:27+00:00

Literally this exact thing happened to my family when my paternal grandmother passed. I had a huge family with 20+ cousins that got together every Thanksgiving and Christmas at my grandmothers house and I literally haven’t seen them since her funeral eight years ago.

IllTill3859 · 2021-01-06T23:47:49+00:00

100% agree. My mother passed when I was 12. That’s when we ceased being a family. I am the only girl in a family of 4 with a narcissistic father. It’s true, the woman holds the family together. For some reason growing up, I never had any inclination to be a wife or mother. I saw a lot growing up that put me off for life.

2021-01-07T02:08:56+00:00

Yes! After my grandma died my extended family had a fucking raffle! They took everything from electronics, clothes, jewelry and utensils! They even took items that I left behind or that I had brought her! When I went to go visit I had to sleep with a towel because they stole my fucking blanket! They changed so fast I never saw it coming!

Equipoisonous · 2021-01-07T00:08:27+00:00

Yeah, my grandma who was the matriarch on my dad's very large family passed away 10 years ago. My mom (who is only related by marriage) stepped up to manage christmas (she gets gifts for all the kids every year) and other family get togethers. She organized and facilitated a zoom call for everyone this christmas. My mom grew up without any extended family and she's done such a great job with my dad's family. I don't know who else would step up. I honestly don't ever see my extended family unless it's something my mom has organized.

WorthReindeer8 · 2021-01-07T01:07:45+00:00

HAHAHAA you don’t even know, my grandad has stolen my mums business when his wife died (rip she was an angel), everyone became upfront greedy and selfish

HellRazer0324 · 2021-01-07T01:58:26+00:00

When my grandmother passed, my family didn't pass, but it was because my uncle, in my opinion, is a HVM.

He and his wife, but mostly him, it seems, took over responsibility of hosting Christmas and keeping in contact with everyone. Don't get me wrong, my aunt is a big help, but my uncle is the same guy who goes to work, comes home and cooks, always makes time for his kids, apologises to his family when he has done something wrong, like losing his temper for just a moment. He's not perfect by any means, but it's just nice to see there are HVM out there, and how much of an actually positive impact they make on everyone they come in contact with. I value myself more because of how he values the people in his life.

Sorry if this was a bit off topic, I'm pretty new to this sub.

thrower00lkjasd · 2021-01-07T09:41:57+00:00

My grandmother is 91 this year. The family has already begun a descent into basically strangers and she’s the only thing still holding it together. She’s already planned her funeral (she’s a very pragmatic person) and written her will (which is part of why the family has started to fall apart). When she passes, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that my father’s family will end. Her house will likely go to my POS cousin who molested me as a child and it’ll never feel like home again. I got to grieve this reality over this past xmas and make peace. It’ll never be the way it was when we were young, ever again.

darkempress2003 · 2021-01-07T01:45:31+00:00

Yes, absolutely. My grandmother passed in 2001 and everyone said she was the glue that held the family together. They all drifted apart, especially my mom from her siblings. My mom was utterly shattered when her mom passed away and to a degree she still is.

ferociouslycurious · 2021-01-07T03:40:33+00:00

Only on one side, because on the other side we have strong bossy women despite their pickme upbringing. My mom’s completely toxic from the diconnect between the two, though so I peaced out on her and the older of my two younger brothers.

Deadgirl1888 · 2021-01-07T18:28:51+00:00

My mom expects me to be the same way as her and my dead gma. They do all the work and remembered birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and they were mediators when other family members weren't getting along.

I think communication is a 2 way street. I write cards to family and friends who always try hard to stay in contact with me. The family members who couldnt even be bothered to send me a congrats text when I graduated college I wont even respond to now. It drives my mom crazy she is so used to the emotional laborer roll she gave herself she doesnt understand why i wont keep up the traditions.

Title	Anyone else notice when eldest woman in the family passes away the entire family falls apart?
Author	TheTower_14
Upvotes	524
Comments	28
Date	January 6, 2021 9:39 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/krxujt/anyone_else_notice_when_eldest_woman_in_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/anyone-else-notice-when-eldest-woman-in-the-family.750431 https://theredarchive.com/post/750431

Comments