Hello, new here. I have been lurking in FDS for a while. I need this space. All women do. Thank you to the mods for creating it and keeping it free from men.

Anyways, I’m writing bc it’s been almost three months since I broke up with the covert narc I was involved with. I am no contact. He’s blocked. I asked him to block me too. Embarrassing that I asked but honestly it helps to know I don’t have access and neither does he. If only he’d also just die. I’m struggling to let go and accept who he was.

I’m just so angry. I feel duped even though I knew deep down that he was manipulating me. I wanted to believe the lies bc I thought that if I accepted the truth that would say something about ME. I feared deep down that I wasn’t good enough for him to want me. That if he really wanted me he wouldn’t have treated me so badly. I wanted to believe the lies because I have been brainwashed to believe the Disney fairy tale that enough unconditional love and patience will turn a beast into a prince.

I’m so mad at myself for being used, and mad at him for using me. I feel dirty and soul raped. I have two therapists. I’m doing emdr. I am digging into old childhood wounds and core beliefs but everyday it just feels the same. Like there’s this stuck trauma, anxiety, anger and fear that won’t go away. I meditate. I sit with the feelings, ask my inner child what she needs. I journal. The problem is my inner child wants to feel lovable and wanted and I don’t know how to do that. I was abused in childhood. My dad took his anger out on me. I never knew if I’d get love or rage. I know he had his own issues, but I’m left with all this gross tar inside of me from men who have taken advantage of my empathy. I usually just went straight to dating someone else to avoid the deep pain and healing needed. And now I’m staying single and the pain feels endless bc the truth is, healing occurs when the opposite happens. If trauma happened from abandonment, one heals when they don’t feel abandoned. My trauma is feeling demeaned, devalued, used, and discarded. I need to feel heard, seen, valued and accepted in order to heal. And I don’t think this can be done by myself and I feel so alone. I have this feeling of needing to drain out or detoxify the trauma, but truly I just want to love and be loved.

I had applied for grad schools while I was with him bc I desperately wanted to feel good about myself when I felt so incredibly bad with him. I made it into several schools. However, I am now deferring because I cannot concentrate or sleep because of emotional flashbacks. Anytime I think about going to grad school I feel sick, like he tainted the experience. I know I shouldn’t give him the power but I just feel I won’t heal where I was wounded.

So today I looked at graduate schools overseas, and for the first time felt a tiny bit of excitement and relief. Has anyone who ended a traumatic relationship ended up moving to another country for a fresh start? Is this a bad idea? I know the whole “wherever you go there you are” rings true. I feel like where I am physically, however, is causing me to hold onto a lot of emotions and beliefs that were never mine to begin with. I almost think I need a new culture. That my culture traumatized me just as much as my narcissistic father and subsequent narcissistic relationships did. What do you guys think?

And does anyone have any healing suggestions, advice or encouragement and/or supportive words? Thanks in advance.