Mate-retention strategies: benefit-provisioning vs. cost-inflicting behavior

So I did some research on human mate-guarding until I found that the term I was actually looking for is called "mate-retention". I stumbled upon some gems and came up with my own theories about them.

To provide a brief overview I want you to read this article [1] first.

There are two different domains to ensure your partners fidelity:

Benefit-provisioning behavior, which brings more value into your life or cost-inflicting behavior, which subtracts said value. Even though both domains have the same goal (exclusivity/"having you") the approach which a man takes to get there is like night and day - or more specifically - HV vs. LV.

Benefit-provisioning tactics:

In private...

- He buys you gifts

- He attends to your sexual needs

- He keeps his physical appearance top-notch for you

- He explicitly expresses his affection for you

- He is eager to fulfill every wish you have

In front of others....

- He brags about you to other men

- He puts his arm around you in front of others

- He buys you jewelry (or expensive bags, shoes or other wearable objects) to signify that you are taken

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As for cost-inflicting tactics:

He isolates you and locks you up e.g. ...

- He makes controlling phone calls and constantly texts you about your whereabouts (not the kind that signals that he is worried about your safety)

- He doesn't take you with him on social gatherings where other men are present

- He insists that you spend all off your free time with him

Manipulates your interaction with him...

- He jealousy-baits you by flirting with other women

- He is so afraid of you cheating on him that he needs to threaten you with a breakup (it's normal to break up after cheating so he shouldn't feel the urge to constantly "remind" you)

- He makes suicide threats to make you stay

- He pressures you for total commitment, moves waaaay to fast, skipping the vetting process on his behalf

- He badmouths other men/competitors in front of you (I added "competitors" because he could shittalk other women too if you are bi & out to him. Yep, this happened to me too.)

Manipulates your interaction with others...

- He badmouths you behind your back/in front of other men

- He (non-)verbally threats other men

- He commits violence against other men

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The first article puts different combinations of benefit-provisioning and cost-inflicting behaviors into three different clusters. We differentiate between:

Exhaustive mate-retention (benefit-provisioning and cost-inflicting)

Disengaged mate-retention (NOT benefit-provisioning and NOT cost-inflicting) and

Benevolent mate-retention (benefit-provisioning but NOT cost-inflicting)

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Exhaustive mate-retention (benefit-provisioning and cost-inflicting) reflects the ways of your typical LVM. He is not always bad. Not an outright abuser (yet?). Yes, sometimes he is really sweet and caring. He can be oh so wonderful at times but there are things you are not OK with. He does things he shouldn't do (has a "wandering eye" - see cost-inflicting behavior) and doesn't do things he should do (like putting the toilet seat down, even though it's your wish - see benefit-provisioning behavior). Especially the first one would be a red flag.Overall the LVM also adds at least some value to your life, or else he would be considered a ZVM or a NVM. Like he does say he loves you (expression of affection - see benefit-provisioning behavior). And hey, he didn't smack-talk you behind your back. At least not that you know off. I mean, he did in the past but then he stopped so it's OK, right? /s 🤡Once in a while the LVM exhibits a green that makes your inner pickme feel all warm and giddy.The problem here? Allover you still loose - money, opportunities, happiness, lifetime,... You should leave at the first red flag, regardless of green flags. Do you know what happens when you mix the colors red and green? You get some ugly brownish color 💩. And even if he raises one(1) single red flag after a cascade of green flags, things will never be the same. Your beautiful green will always remain stained.

Don't settle for shit flags, ladies 💩

Disengaged mate-retention (NOT benefit-provisioning and NOT cost-inflicting) is what I call "not that into you". And that's OK. Nobody has to be into anyone.

Move along.

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Benevolent mate-retention (benefit-provisioning but NOT cost-inflicting) is what you are looking for. A HMV who is invested in you and in the relationship. From the early beginning on he adds value to your life and even years into the relationship he continues to do so. Nobody is perfect but the few times a HVM slips it's not red flag territory, he genuinely apologizes on his will (no "reminders" from your side needed), he does so immediately and it definitely stays a one-time event.

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A fourth cluster of mate-retention (NO benefit-provisioning but cost-inflicting) hasn't been provided yet so I'll make one and name it asshole mate-retention. FDS calls this type of men NVM - outright abusers. Those who don't give but take and those who give so far less than they take so they still subtract from your life overall. Violent sociopaths. Rapists. Murderers. People the world doesn't need. Listen to your gut and stay away from them.

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Fun fact:Research[2] shows that men/husbands with low (self-)esteem are more prone to apply cost-inflicting mate-retention tactics. Further the wife's esteem for her husband is bigger the better he treats her. On the other hand if he treats her poorly the wife automatically looses esteem/respect for her husband.

It's almost as if TRP- and PUA tactics are bad for everyone involved.

*surprised pikachu face*

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[1] Lopes GS, Shackelford TK. Disengaged, exhaustive, benevolent: Three distinct strategies of mate retention. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2019;36(9):2677-2692. doi:10.1177/0265407518797023

[2] Holden CJ, Shackelford TK, Zeigler-Hill V, Miner EJ, Kaighobadi F, Starratt VG, Jeffery AJ, Buss DM. Husband's esteem predicts his mate retention tactics. Evol Psychol. 2014 Jun 23;12(3):655-72. PMID: 25299998.

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Related topics for those who are interested:

[3] Ratliff KA, Oishi S. Gender differences in implicit self-esteem following a romantic partner's success or failure. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2013 Oct;105(4):688-702. doi: 10.1037/a0033769. Epub 2013 Aug 5. Erratum in: J Pers Soc Psychol. 2013 Nov;105(5):889. PMID: 23915040.

[4] Buss DM. Human mate guarding. Neuro Endocrinol Lett. 2002 Dec;23 Suppl 4:23-9. PMID: 12496732.

[5] Husárová B. Adaptive mating strategies and the problem of mate retention. Anthropol Anz. 2005 Sep;63(3):283-7. PMID: 16176054.

[6] de Miguel A, Buss DM. Mate retention tactics in Spain: personality, sex differences, and relationship status. J Pers. 2011 Jun;79(3):563-85. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-6494.2011.00698.x. PMID: 21534964.

[7] Tragesser SL, Benfield J. Borderline personality disorder features and mate retention tactics. J Pers Disord. 2012 Jun;26(3):334-44. doi: 10.1521/pedi.2012.26.3.334. PMID: 22686222.

[8] Brewer G, Riley C. Sexual dimorphism in stature (SDS), jealousy and mate retention. Evol Psychol. 2010 Oct 2;8(4):530-44. PMID: 22947818.

[9] Cousins AJ, Fugère MA, Riggs ML. Resistance to Mate Guarding Scale in Women: Psychometric Properties. Evolutionary Psychology. January 2015. doi:10.1177/147470491501300107

[10] Zeigler-Hill V, Cosby CA, Vrabel JK, Southard AC. Narcissism and mate retention behaviors: What strategies do narcissistic individuals use to maintain their romantic relationships? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2020;37(10-11):2737-2757. doi:10.1177/0265407520939190

Edit: Additions:

[11] Buss DM, Shackelford TK. From vigilance to violence: mate retention tactics in married couples. J Pers Soc Psychol. 1997 Feb;72(2):346-61. doi: 10.1037//0022-3514.72.2.346. PMID: 9107005.