Did solo marriage counseling help any of you guys? Is it worth it?

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-05-19T15:39:31+00:00

Marriage counseling is not worth it. Here's the problem with "solo" counseling: You're assuming you're the cause of the marriage falling apart, likely from your wife's gaslighting. And that's the rub: women don't take accountability for their actions.

The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all.

Marriage requires two committed people working together in lockstep. Divorce only takes one dissatisfied spouse.

the_anonumos · 2021-05-19T15:39:27+00:00

We started seeing a couples therapist, but my WW stopped after about 3 weeks. I kept seeing the therapist alone until after D-Day. Now that I'm divorcing my WW, she's starting to go again to work on co-parenting. I think my WW stopped going because she was tired of having to keep her cheating secret from a trained psychologist.

I benefited greatly from still seeing the CT. Kept me grounded through the affair and helped me see that my WW was not invested in our marriage anymore.

HerbEverstanks · 2021-05-19T16:21:13+00:00

I will second it’s a waste of time and money, of course that I paid for 100% of it. I did solo, couples and group. The other party was doing it to check a box to say that they tried and they won’t exhibit the bad behavior again. She behaved for a year or 2 and the bad behavior turned worse. She ended up tripping and falling on other guys dicks.

gronk4198 · 2021-05-19T15:36:13+00:00

Waste of time. If she doesn't want to go, you haven't accepted the inevitable. Sorry to bear bad news but it's almost definitely over. Lawyer up and prepare yourself for the storm that's about to hit

principledbeast1 · 2021-05-19T16:23:19+00:00

Maybe. I did this after my XW had an embarassing meltdown at the 2 prior marriage counselors (nothing was her fault, I was making it all up). I decided to see one alone as kind of a Hail Mary for our marriage and actually ended up figuring out that our marriage wasn't worth saving. So it ended up causing the opposite effect. If you do this DO NOT tell her what does on in your sessions as she will use it against you later at court, from my personal experience.

tosit2019 · 2021-05-19T15:42:24+00:00

I guess it depends what you mean by "worth it". Will it save your marriage? Impossible to say. But it could give you larger perspective on the issues and help you to prepare for whatever is next.

Bipolar_investor · 2021-05-19T15:38:25+00:00

Not worth it especially that she is refusing. Tell it all about her mindset.

cschoonmaker · 2021-05-19T16:20:22+00:00

The whole point of marriage counseling is for you to attend together. Work out your differences. If she's unwilling to go, the marriage is already over. She's telling you as much by refusing to go. Forget the marriage counselor. If you want to take care of your mental health find a good therapist. And then find a good lawyer because you're going to need one to weather the storm that is about to roll in.

StartingOverAgain512 · 2021-05-19T16:59:11+00:00

I have been seeing an LMFT (focuses on marriage/family counseling in US) solo for a few weeks now. It has been helpful to me to have someone to open up to, and I am more focused on coping with the change and coming out of this mentally healthy. My therapist only gets my perspective though, so she couldn't really advise on what I need to work on from my wife's perspective. I think you would need a therapist seeing both of you separately, or occasionally together to get that kind of outcome.

My wife was months into an affair that she wanted to pursue rather than working on our marriage so it would have been a lost cause for me to pursue that sort of direction anyway.

Just for a different perspective, my wife started seeing an LPC (more of a general counselor) for what she thought were her issues (being "unable to speak up for herself", which is how she described the act of never having talked to me about any of her feelings when I asked repeatedly). After two sessions, the therapist told her she needed to see someone that focuses on divorce and dropped her. Her boyfriend told her she doesn't need counseling so she doesn't plan to pursue any.

jkw118 · 2021-05-19T17:09:36+00:00

So there's a few things.. A marriage/Parenting counselor can be useful if you both want it to work, and you both want to go. And if your both honest about it..

My ex wanted it at first, I was like okay I'll go. She'd tell her side, I'd tell mine.. I felt like it helped, she hated it as many of the things she'd point out even the counselor would tell her were fd up what she was expecting.. ie one thing: she essentially wanted me to find another job (working from home, and she stopped and refused to work) making more money hopefully somehow. So that I could take care of the kids more and she could shop and do other non descript things..(she couldn't find a reason, other then she didn't want to work or take care of the kids) My response when I'd heard it all was like oh, okay, I'll work PT, and stay home and take care of the kids.. Are you going to get a FT job with your masters degree in business.. NO..Okay so this won't work..

After the third session, ex literally walked out.. after the counselor told her she thought it'd be good if my ex had one on one sessions with a counselor as she had alot of issues. Two weeks later she told me she wanted a divorce and filed.. 6-months later she wanted to reconcile and told me she wanted to work on co-parenting, we went to the same counselor again..

Apparently she'd met with the counselor a 1on1 for a few sessions..

Went in within the first 10 min counselor asks me if I want to stay together. I was like no (truthfully my life had been 1000x better after she left.) I explained why, Manipulation, gaslighting, constant put downs, being treated in general somewhere between a servant and crap by her. And the different mental stresses me and the kids had to deal with because of her.. To the point I'd gotten my own counselor. Any case she asked me how I was mentally doing, suicidal thoughts whatever.. And I've never had those.. She on the other hand was like no.. but then I pointed out that wasn't true.. As she'd at least twice that I knew of cut her wrists.. And had told me about wishing to kill herself so she wouldn't have to deal with life.. she was like well that's not suicidal thoughts.. I was like counselor isn't that the definition of it? Like seriously.. a minute later my ex just stomped out of the building..

So for me while it didn't help make the marriage better, it definitely helped point out that the divorce was the best thing for me and the kids. She has a lot of issues.. Some of which she'll be dealing with for life.. I just fortunately will only have to deal with it cursory...

dudefromyork · 2021-05-19T18:11:03+00:00

Rather than go to a solo marriage counsellor, maybe take the time and just go see a regular therapist on your own. It’s enormously beneficial and might help you see things from a different perspective. Start thinking about what you might need from a relationship. Rather than what you are getting from it now. And work on you.

You can’t fix the other person, if indeed they need fixing at all. But you can work on you.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-05-19T18:25:54+00:00

I started with couples therapy, she bailed and I continued to go and pretty quickly he said there was nothing to save. I didn't want to put my faith in one guy so I went to a bunch of other therapists who said different variations of the same thing, so eventually I went aheead with the divorce.

I've been seeing a therapist ever since. One of the best things I've done in a long time.

letak2018 · 2021-05-19T18:32:10+00:00

I offered to try one more time at the end, just so I could tell myself that I tried everything possible… but it’s generally worthless if you’re considering divorce IMHO. If you’re not considering divorce, I could see it being helpful for people who want to get along better, and who need tools or better understanding.

Every previous attempt for us was pretty much a “bash letak2018” session, and she hated every counselor who dared point out her faults or mistakes.

NoEntertainment3490 · 2021-05-19T18:35:30+00:00

Nope. Be prepared brother. Her refusing counseling is all you need to know about where she stands. She has moved on likely a long time ago. I’ve been through it too. Life goes on and you never know what you’ll find. Pleading and showing weakness to make things work will only push her away further as needy behavior dries most women up. The only way I see it worth fighting for is if y’all have kids. Not being rude or even speculation on y’all’s relationship dynamics just my personal experience

FicklePea7851 · 2021-05-20T00:19:11+00:00

It helped me. Helped me decide I needed to leave.

SUEDE2BLACK · 2021-05-20T05:34:59+00:00

Just divorce her the candle is burning in your hand at this point.

Title	Did solo marriage counseling help any of you guys? Is it worth it?
Author	browneyedtoad
Upvotes	7
Comments	42
Date	May 19, 2021 3:34 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ng9012/did_solo_marriage_counseling_help_any_of_you_guys/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/did-solo-marriage-counseling-help-any-of-you-guys.816979 https://theredarchive.com/post/816979

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