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[–]Deefry 129 points130 points131 points (12 children) | Copy Link
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[+]sexyjeremypharoahwiz [recovered] (6 children) | Copy Link
As a male victim of domestic violence, I just want to share that my personal experience with the police was incredibly fair and unbiased.
[–]codyc1515 15 points16 points17 points (1 child) | Copy Link
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[+]archnihilist [recovered] (45 children) | Copy Link
It is undeniable that men have inherent power advantages over women.
It is also undeniable that abuse comes in many forms and that women are just as capable of abusing men, coworkers, peers and children in equally insidious ways that don't include violence.
When it comes to violence, men, generally, have the upper hand.
But, people can be fucking crazy. A woman coming from an abusive household and past abusive relationships may have completely awful and irrational conflict resolution skills against a man who may be super passive.
What does this non-violent man do as he is getting slapped, screamed at and threatened with murder in his sleep? Now, say that she has hidden all of the money? Say she threatens to have him fired? Say she threatens to take away the kids? Say she threatens to have him arrested?
What do you do, as that man?
There is only one thing you can do, legally, and only one thing you can do morally. Walk away. That is your only option.
But, then what happens?
She threatens to kill herself. Her fear of abandonment triggers a massive threat response and she goes on full attack mode, telling everyone in your life lies. Filing for a restraining order. Convincing other men to beat you up because of what an asshole you are... even though you have been strictly non-confrontational.
She fakes a proof of service and gets a restraining order against you, intentionally depriving you of your constitutional right to have a fair trial.
Now, you've lost your job, your family hates you, you are getting arrested for a restraining order violation on a restraining order that you never knew existed, and she moves in right behind your mom's house, so you can't even go to the one place you have left to go, because it will be a violation of the restraining order.
Sound crazy? I only tell this story because it is absolutely a real world example.
Abuse isn't about men and women. It isn't about poor or rich. It isn't about addiction or sobriety.
ANYONE CAN BE A PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE.
[–]ARedthorn 19 points20 points21 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]archnihilist8 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]DavidByron2 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]SilencingNarrative 13 points14 points15 points (16 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (15 children) | Copy Link
I found one study's findings to be interesting:
"outside relationships, men and women have equal anger levels, but inside relationships, women both experience and express more anger than men."
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/inside-out/2013/06/study-women-experience-and-express-more-anger-in-relationships-than-men/
It's an interesting subject and one may think that conflict resolution and anger management should be incorporated into general education.
[–]Tinito16 4 points5 points6 points (14 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (13 children) | Copy Link
But it depends which society. The world, in general, is behind a lot of other countries, where women have no rights, are property, essentially, and there is no such thing as rape between a man and a woman if they are married.
I agree, entirely, though in the society that I and you live in. What can a man do against a woman who wants to be violent against him? Not much. Especially, if she is even a little smart about it.
[–]tallwheel 5 points6 points7 points (10 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (9 children) | Copy Link
Even in the US, there are police and judges who think it is okay for a man to beat a woman.
In my own personal experience, a Judge David Brown, in California, denied a restraining order, with prejudice, against a man who provide a hand written confession to knocking out his wife's teeth. To the allegation of rape, this man admits to having sex, but says the reason it was consensual was because "we were going to miss each other," even though she had already acquired a one way ticket ot leave the abusive relationship.
So, rape apologists and people who are okay with wife beating exist, even in the US.
In California, pretty much half of domestic violence restraining orders are denied. The odds of people falsley reporting abuse? Not nearly half the time. There is a massive discrepancy.
[–]tallwheel 4 points5 points6 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
There are plenty of places where people live at the whim of organizations that have a monopoly on violence. You don't even have to draw a line between men and women. If you are an organization with a monopoly on violence, then whatever laws may be in place don't actually matter.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mauritania#Modern_slavery
http://www.thestar.com/news/world/2008/03/08/ten_worst_countries_for_women.html
[–]autowikibot 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]SilencingNarrative 1 point2 points3 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
I don't know that it is just a few of them. Like I said, half of domestic violence restraining orders are denied. Systemically, judges are being told not to believe claims of abuse in custody cases and there are organizations in place that are constantly working to fight against judges who repeatedly put children back into abusive situations.
This goes for both genders.
Abuse upsets the dynamic in a family law case because there are a conflicting set of laws.
A judge has to decide if the old laws where children are, essentially, property, should be overlooked for the newer laws where an abuser doesn't get to have their kid.
At this point, the status quo is "all things being equal," and nearly every single California judge thinks that equal parenting works best for the children in all cases... which it does in only some cases.
Point being, there is a measurable standard by which abuse gets ignored and children are court ordered to be in abusive situations every single day. This is a pattern. It is systemic and society can absolutely be "enlightened enough" to suit me. Most of society is, already and most people have enough common sense to know that, if a child says "my dad got angry and cut me with a knife," that the kid isn't lying about it. Even worse, the dad tries to claim that the knife was in his pocket and the child's hand was cut reaching into his pocket. Combine that, and other of child's stories, with a history of abusing the wife, and the judge grants custody to the father.
If a judge is approached with a man who claims to have been attacked by a woman, with no arrest, he doesn't get the restraining order. I've never seen it happen, though I have seen men ask for restraining orders, plenty.
I had a man break into my house, steal a gun, threaten to kill me with it and had him on video violating the temporary restraining order. This man was arrested with the stolen gun. I did not get a permanent restraining order.
I witnessed one man get a temporary restraining order against a woman but she was arrested, at the time. They were treated very differently, though. They weren't separated at mediation, the bailiff was not watching out to make sure she didn't attack him, they weren't instructed to stay away from each other in the halls, and they walked out of the court room at the same time. The treatment in the courtroom is very, very different.
[–]SilencingNarrative 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
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[+]archnihilist [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
I think men and women may be on equal ground here, once again.
One real world example I am aware of is; woman gets restraining order against ex husband, in order to avoid getting arrested, ex husband recruits his friends to terrorize her, follow her, wait around at places they know she'll be... slash tires, vandalize home... violations of the restraining order through proxy... which are all but impossible to prove to the police. Nevermind that they are all undocumented Uruguayan citizens. They all, absolutely, think it is okay to use violence against your wife to keep her in line.
Any male gang member can maintain this advantage, with ease.
[–]Elvick 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]archnihilist0 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]officialbum 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DavidByron2 2 points3 points4 points (11 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (10 children) | Copy Link
A dishonest woman can threaten to call the cops.
The problem that isn't addressed is the people who are in abusive situations who are made to feel that they deserve the abuse are are dissuaded in countless ways from telling anyone, at all, about it, let alone the police and a bunch of other strangers, and then get dragged through court to tell a bunch of people about being beaten, raped, or whatever, for years and not doing anything about it as it began to happen to your kids, and then feeling like an asshole and deserving it all over again as the defense rips your credibility apart.
[–]DavidByron2 2 points3 points4 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (8 children) | Copy Link
Are you saying that lifetime victims of abuse are likely to speak up?
If you believe that, then you have some research to do.
I meant to say people. Anyone subject to systematic abuse by their family is not likely to speak up unless they face life threatening situations, and, even then, may not speak up.
First of all, the abuse escalates the second you report it.
Second, you lose whatever support system you have in place.
Third, you are put on trial and further traumatized by the system.
Help seeking behavior increases with the amount of abuse.
Abusive people abuse their victim, then go through an "I'm sorry" phase.
People do not usually lie about abuse. It happens, it's true. But it doesn't happen 50% of the time. Furthermore, a child is very unlikely to lie about abuse, and also unlikely to "turn against" one of their parents, even if they are abusive.
Anyone is encouraged to lie in a divorce and the system absolutely does not punish perjury.
However, getting caught lying about material facts, like abuse, will tank your case.
In the end, the stats on false allegations are something like 1% and the number of dismissed restraining orders in California approaches 50%. There is a massive discrepancy.
If you are a man, filing for a restraining order, I suspect the stats are far worse.
[–]DavidByron2 1 point2 points3 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (6 children) | Copy Link
Wow. You have no idea what you are talking about.
Just because those programs are available doesn't mean women take advantage of them. Furthermore, it isn't just women who are victims of abuse.
Victims of abuse are victims of abuse precisely because of their demeanor that prevents them from ending the cycle of abuse.
This isn't a men and women issue.
This is an issue about a victim of abuse who, if they report abuse, are put through the ringer.
Step 1, get told that maybe you are in the wrong jurisdiction. So, now you know about jurisdiction. Go find the right people to report to. They run you through the jurisdiction gauntlet again. Make it perfectly clear that you are indeed in the right jurisdiction. (Whatever you do, don't get punched in the face on the border of jurisdictions, like Del Mar Heights road, in San Diego. Neither the Sheriff or the SDPD want your case.)
Step 2, get told that you really can't prove anything. Get told, next time, make sure you get some kind of evidence, like video or pictures. Now, your're screwed. Wait to get abused, next time.
Step 3, get the evidence, this time, bring it, but it is just a series of pictures of your abuser at your car. You can see him bend down, but you can't actually see him slashing your tires, even though you now have 4 slashed tires. Well, it's really your word against his, but you can try to get a restraining order. We'll send it to the DA, but they probably aren't going to move forward with it.
Step 4, now you're desperate and your abuser is super pissed because the police have called and asked some questions. You get your temporary restraining order, but the self help people cut the meat out of your case, so your original petition is shit in order to make it a few pages shorter. "Only stick to the most recent incidents of abuse." Remember, the ones the police already told you you couldn't prove?
Step 5, serve the restraining order. He's expecting it because the police called to have a little chat with him. So, he hides out. Finally, he gets served over the phone because the sheriff can't find him. First thing your abuser does? Calls you super pissed off, in violation of the restraining order, threatening you, then saying they're really sorry and that you should forget about the restraining order and not go to the hearing.
Step 6, You think you've got a slam dunk now, because you got the shitty text messages, a recording of the conversation, and pictures of psycho at your car at the same time your tires are slashed.
Step 7, get denied your permanent restraining order because it's a "he said, she said" kind of thing... remember, this happens around half the time. This happens after you get up on the stand and have to answer questions about being raped, having your teeth knocked out, being dragged across a floor, having a knife to your throat... whatever. It is also after your abuser's lawyer testifies, himself, that you are a drug dealer, live in a mental institution... or whatever batshit crazy lies they can think up. Despite objecting "counsel is testifying," "lack of foundation," etc., you aren't a lawyer and the judge and this guy have a working relationship that spans hundreds of cases. When it comes to your word against a lawyer, in court, you are fucked.
Step 8, Now, your abuser is incited and empowered. Your life becomes hell. Your abuser uses the court finding to tell everyone you are a liar, including the police... every single time you have to call the police on them. You're fucked. Now, you're really, really fucked because no one will believe you, ever, and your abuser continues to sabotage every aspect of your existence.
You may get out of this mess, sure. But it takes a year or more and the abandonment of everything that was formerly your life.
That's what it takes to get rid of an abuser and it doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman and it doesn't matter if there are resources available to help you, or not. Your abuser doesn't give a shit about the resources that are available to you and will do everything to sabotage those resources.
I will give you some examples:
DA Victim Witness: A great resource, if you have scheduled far enough in advance to get their services. The one I have experience with gave tons of great advice and provided 40 free counseling sessions. Other than that, they weren't able to deliver on any of their promises, like providing an attorney, a support person to appear in court, a safe place to go, or follow up on paperwork for the safe at home program. It's not because their assholes, it is because there are a lot of other people who need help.
County DVS program: Group therapy, it's great, there are some other things they do for you, but, for someone who doesn't have problems with addiction, this often feels like you are getting help for issues you don't have issues with. Getting stuck in a cycle comes with a lot of substance abuse, I get it. But that is not the help victims need to escape their abusers. Sure, it is helpful, but when it comes to seeking safety, they aren't set up for that.
State Assistance: Yes, again these are great programs. You are already broke, or the lawyers have taken all your money to try and escape. Cash AID, welfare to work. Watch how hard the county works to find you a minimum wage job. They are pretty good at it. Except, you used to make $30 an hour, but you got fired because your abuser would always show up at your work, call your boss, sabotage your vehicle... whatever. You can't work there anymore, anyways, because your abuser knows where to find you.
Church: You may not be the religious type, but these are good people who know local jobs, provide emotional support, and even a positive social life where people aren't always on drugs... a nice break from your county domestic violence support group. Yes. Do it. You'll meet some good people, find some good jobs leads, help other people along the way. Better yet, even your abuser won't go to church to harass you, even though your abuser knows where it is.
Still, the only answer is to disappear and the people with the county, with the church... when they stop for a minute to process what you have been going through, they reach the same logical conclusion as the lawyers did.
Disappear. It's the only answer.
Delete your Facebook, buy a different car (a white, non-descript sedan), get a confidential name change and go far, far away. It takes money, emotional stability and confidence to achieve something like that and guess how many victims of abuse have all three of those?
[–]SilencingNarrative 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]archnihilist1 point [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]DavidByron2 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
You are completely back pedaling from your initial claim and you are putting words in my mouth.
I never said that.
I said victims of abuse are disincentivized in a variety of ways from reporting and following through with reports of abuse.
I said that both men and women are victims of abuse.
I said that, approximately, half of all domestic violence restraining orders are dismissed.
I said that men who file for restraining orders, even though I don't have stats for it, are dismissed much more.
I said that, even with programs in place, the only answer for someone who is the victim of a determined abuser, is to disappear. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman.
At what point did I say that men and women are treated equally when it comes to abuse? Provide a quote, if you wouldn't mind.
[–]DavidByron2 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]archnihilist1 point [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]duglock -3 points-2 points-1 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[+]archnihilist [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Heavyweight vs featherweight, anyone can see the advantage, and likely the stats are there to back it up.
Doesn't matter.
Personality determines if a person is abusive or not, along with lack of accountability to determine if they are able to continue to be abusive.
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[–]archnihilist-1 point [recovered] | Copy Link
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[+]lazaro398 [recovered] (10 children) | Copy Link
I'm not fond of the CDC. They claim (without a good source) that circumcision is beneficial.
[–]BAMFSoB -1 points0 points1 point (9 children) | Copy Link
[+]lazaro398 [recovered] (8 children) | Copy Link
It takes away from the validity of their claims.
[–]BAMFSoB -2 points-1 points0 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[+]lazaro398 [recovered] (6 children) | Copy Link
What facts? One study doesn't make claims factual. Multiple studies over many years do.
[–]BAMFSoB -2 points-1 points0 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[+]lazaro398 [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
I was referring to the circumcision research. You're trying to make it seem as if I'm against the research posted. I am not, I am merely stating that the CDC is not a reliable source of information due to their stance on other issues such as MGM. If you are an MRA and you consider MGM ok, I've got a bridge to sell you.
[–]MagicGainbow -2 points-1 points0 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[+]lazaro398 [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
Stereotype? What?
[–]MagicGainbow -1 points0 points1 point (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]lazaro3982 points [recovered] | Copy Link
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